I just needed to rant

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Blain

The Word Weaver
Aug 28, 2012
17,208
1,729
113
#1
You know I don't know if six years of being saved is considered to be long or not or if one is still considered maybe not a babe but not exactly an adult either but regardless in my six years of being saved I have already seen and experienced so much and sometimes I just need to rant and let loose all that has been bottled up and what has been bubbling inside me is a rant about him or I suppose a boasting honestly I am not sure which you would call it I am not even planning out my words in this post I am just typing what my hearts is speaking.

Before I was ever a Christian I encountered God and I had an idea of who he was I had heard the stories and the teachings but in the years in which I would come to know him I can say with 100% honesty he is not at all what I expected. Sometimes I am simply astonished and astounded at who he is, how he sees everything how he thinks how his heart is, it's like a childs overwhelming sense of wonder experiencing and knowing the things about him.
For instance the lesson of humbleness, I wasn't taught what it is to be humble or what real humbleness is from any teacher or pastor I actually learned it by looking at Jesus. I mean think about it he is the king of kings the Lord of lords he is royalty and he knew all of this he knew his status he knew where he stood in ranks and yet someone of such extreme nobility- of such high and glorious status lowered himself to serve us who compared to him are like pathetic ants who shouldn't even matter but not only did he do that but no one had any idea by looking at him.

This amazed me and filled me with wonder i was actually stunned for a minute when my mind soaked it in I mean to do that would take such an unbelievable kind of humbleness something that reaches an entirely different level of the word itself. This is but one of the things I have come admire and adore about him, to actually experience that kind of revelation so much that you are stunned and can't even think for a moment and then to come to know him in such ways falling further and further into the vast ocean that his heart falling harder and harder for him wanting more than every breath to know him and experience him and have him more.... I never expected anything like this before I came to Christ, I never would have dreamed he would show himself so brutally to me allowing me to see his heart in a way that I honestly don't know how many others do. I of course do not mean to brag or say I know him and see him more than anyone else but you know I see how people talk about his traits and how people talk about him. I see how people talk about his love about his humbleness about his glory and beauty about his heart, I see how people debate about of these things as well.

But I also wonder how many who do have actually come to truly know these parts of his heart, how many have been bewildered by the beauty of all these things they teach speak and discuss about. He is such a mystery to me a beautiful poetic mystery one that I desperately want to search and explore and discover. Even just the small little things about him that many know about simply astonish me, when I think about him and about his heart that I am desperately chasing I feel my heart jump inside me I feel my soul crying out in such longing and desperation for him so much so that sometimes it hurts even to the point that I am in tears because the level of my longing for him far exceeds what I am allowed to have of him at the moment.

I am not going to lie I honestly don't know how good of a Christian I am I actually often times think of all of you on cc and when comparing myself to you guys I am almost sure you are all much better Christians than I am. I always imagine you probably sin less than I do you all probably read the bible and pray more than I do you all probably are more of what a believer should be even though many of you would probably say different. But regardless of how good one I am the only thing that keeps me moving forward is my obsession love and fascination with him, I want so bad to be able to dive into his ocean without limitations I don't care about being strong or being a great Christian I could care less if in heaven I receive any glory or crown in fact just in every day life everything Is trash to me compared to him.

I notice I naturally always look to the sky I don't ever really know why but when I am looking up there it doesn't matter to me why I am always looking up I only know I seem to see him every time I do. For me being a Christian isn't about being saved or any of the things that we as Christians are supposed to be, I know how bad that sounds but it's just how my heart is. I don't even look at myself as a Christian I am far to obsessed with him to even look, All my heart and eyes see is him it's like physically I am here but in reality my heart and eyes are not. And I don't even know why I am writing all of this or if I should have even put it in the bible discussion forum sometimes I just feel the need to spontaneously do things and I never know if I am doing it out of foolishness or it was the the holy spirit himself who prompted me to do so but I just as you say go with the flow.

That also reminds me how thankful I am of how things are with him and I. With him I don't look or wait for signs I don't listen to a voice in my mind that could be him or could just be my own thoughts instead with him it's instinctive even if I am unsure of what I am doing or why my heart simply knows what to do there is a kind of flow and rythm it just feels natural. I always love to recall how he used me one morning as I entered a church i have never been in and I recall how that very morning I said to him what I say to him almost everyday how I may not be strong or wise and maybe I am lacking in many ways but my willingness is his to utilize and in entering that church everyone was nice to me but I learned many there were suffering with heartache from either very sick or dead friends and family and I remember how half way through the service as I was thinking about of all of this I felt a need to get up in front of everyone and speak. I didn't know the words to say or anything and I am timid and shy by nature I never have spoken in front of people before but it just was instinct I got up there and the words just came flooding out my mouth.

What happened after that was completely un expected the entire church stood up and applauded many were in tears and so many came to me to tell me how my words had helped them and how they were amazed at what I said. I also was in tears because the beauty of what God did in these peoples hearts touched me so deeply that even now as I remember it as I remember seeing a spark in every persons heart made I am tempted to cry again. All it took was my willingness to be used and that's it he didn't ned great faith he didn't need me to be strong he only needed my willingess to do something beautiful. I have so many stories of the fun and beautiful things he and I have experienced together in only six short years and each one is a treasure that I have locked away in my hearts vault and again I have no idea why I am writing all of this and I apologize if it's too long or if I annoyed anyone with it it's just something I couldn't help but to write
 

mar09

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2014
4,795
1,138
113
#2
No, it is not too long or annoying at all, although we do not always have that much time to stay. But if God is leading you to share that part of your life with Him, who is there to question you... Some experience Him in a sunrise, a sunset, a photograph of a child or a tree. Some have to sing Him out loud, or dance to His songs... whatever. If you're praising the Lord with your rant and boasting in what the Lord is doing, then i'm praising with you, blain.