Let me ask you a simple question...Have you been reconciled to God?
I will abbreviate my Testimony, because it is so long. The strokes left me with absent minded SPELLING deficiency, which I compensate for with an old Cell Phone, on speak to Type mode. I mean even simple words like FEAR, (below), I had to use the old Cell Phone, to find the spelling of FEAR. As a result, it now takes me at least 3 times as much time, to make a Post.
I used to think that because I was baptized as an infant, and took up space on a pew, that I was saved. BUT I found out the last week of 1977 that I was NOT. On Christmas Eve, my wife of only 6 months, announced she want a divorce because I could not afford to buy her the thing she wanted in life. SOME REASON! I spun into a deep depression that caused me to attempt suicide THREE times the very next week, the last week of 1977. The first to times I had a pistol against my Temple, with the TRIGGER half Pulled, and relished the thought that she would be very sorry when I did it. I did not care if I hurt my Papers or Brother and Sister, I just wanted to end it all, and CEASE TO EXIST. All of a sudden Both Times, and OVER-WHELMING FEAR. A Fear WAY BEYOND what a mass murderer could put in me, with a knife to my TROAT. It cause me to drop the Pistol both time, the first time it fell on the BED, and the second Time it fell on the floor, but it did not go off.
Two nights later, I did I did try suicide a third time. I saw a road Crew pouring a VERY LOOSE GRAVEL on a dirt road one mile from my house. I when to a bar, and proceeded to get as drunk is I could, three times as drunk as I ever have been. I knew when I saw them pouring that loose Gravel, it was the MOST DANGEROUS SURFACE TO RIDE A DIRT BIKE ON. When the bar closed, I when home to leave my Motorcycle Helmet there, then when out to the Loose Gravel road. As I approached it, I TAUNTED GOD, shouting, "If you want to take my life, you can do it anywhere you want on the next mile."
Now I am ashamed to even mention that part of my testimony.
I hit that mile FULL TROTTLE, about 65 m.p.h. on a Suzuki 185. About the have ways threw the Mile and the BIKE NEVER DID WOBBLE, I started to back is off, "think this cannot be"
, AND instantly back to FULL THROTTLE. I hit the end of that mile and back on Pavement, and stopped with me left side of the bike facing the Gravel Road, and Starred at the Gravel Road, for about 5 minutes, trying to figure out why the BIKE did not wobble out of control.
I when home, sat up until I was sobber, around 4:00 in the morning, (did not look at the clock) and started towards to bedroom, as I entered the BEDROOM, I realized I CANNOT RIDE A BIKE LIKE THAT, EVEN IF I WAS SOBER, AND I WAS MORE DRUNK THAN I HAD EVER BEEN. GOD HAD TO HAVE REACHED DOWN AND HELD MY BIKE STEADY, as if to SAY TO ME, "NO YOU DON"T, I have a purpose for your life."
INSTANTLY WAVE, AFTER WAVE, AFTER WAVE OF TREMENDOUS GUILT FOR MY WHOLE LIFESTYLE, WASHED OVER ME, AND KEEP IT UP FOR AN HOUR OR MORE. I was on my knees, crying more than a baby, crying out, "FORGIVE ME, please FORGIVE ME." Later I fell Prounce, and then the HOLY SPIRIT GAVE ME A PRAYER THAT I HAVE NEVER HEARD BEFORE. "Lord, Please Forgive Me, Please Forgive Me. If you have a purpose for my life, you will have to come into my life and control it, because I am making a total mess of it." I had never heard that prayer or something similar to it, in my life in a Lutheran Church. It was a SURRENDER to HIM COMPLETELY, and I knew it, out of a willing, LOVING HEART. AND I KNEW I WOULD NEVER TAKE IT BACK. Still the TREMENDOUS GUILT CONTINUED, because I knew exactly how SINFUL I had BEEN, and could not believe HE could forgive me, because I had been too bad.
Something happened that night, that I usually do not put into my testimony. I had a Vision, or maybe a DREAM, but it was WAY MORE VIVID than any dream I have ever had. But I think it was a VISION. I was instantly transported on my knees at the foot of the CROSS. STILL CRYING MORE THAT A BABY, STILL BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS, Raising my Arms Up to HIM, and realizing that every one of my SINS was like adding a one pound weight to is ARMS, PULLING DOWN ON THOSE NAILS . . . . IN HIS WRISTS ? ? ? Every image of JESUS on the CROSS had always put the NAILS in HIS HANDS. And every Church that I had heard a sermon about the NAILS, were in HIS HANDS. AND IT was about 10 years LATER, that I heard a sermon by Dr. John MacArthur, that told me the JEWS considered the Wrists to be Part of the Hands, and that is why I think it was a VISION.
As I continued to CRY, and beg HIM, "PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"; I saw the blood drip and fall, and it fell on both of my forearms,
And IT WAS WARM ! ! !
AND THAT IS WHERE THE VISION ENDED.
BUT, I KNEW ALL OF MY SINS, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE WERE ABSOLUTELY FORGIVEN ON THAT CROSS.
Did HE take control of my life ? ? ?
Oh my YES! He lead me to move from Nebraska to California, and I TRUSTED HIM.
He Led be to become involved is Prison Ministry, and I TRUSTED HIM.
He Led me to move to the Coast, and I TRUSTED HIM.
He Led me to Volunteer to become a Volunteer Chaplain, with no BIBLE COLLEGE, and I TRUSTED HIM.
He Led me to Become a Volunteer Chaplain, in the HOLE, in the end of the line Max Security Prison, and I TRUSTED HIM.
He Led me to Teach Sermons, and I TRUSTED HIM.
He put in on my heart to gather the VERSES, I would talk about, and HE would give me the message HE wanted me to teach,
AND I TRUSTED HIM.
It was NOT ME doing that Ministry, IT WAS CHRIST IN ME DOING THAT MINISTRY.