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It didn't exactly sneak up on me, but I'm now awake, and analyzing things as I often do, just it's at a bad time. I can fairly surmise that I may indeed be clinically depressed again. Now, I don't want to be, especially considering that I want to be as ready as possible for The SAPD. I know it's not a case of just being down because of stress. I doubt it's helping, but this is too innate of an occurrence for that. It's not a whiny, wants attention feeling. It's simply that I find no interest in anything, and often find myself in a negative process in my head. I'm not one to share these types of things openly. It usually takes an observant friend or family member to pry stuff out of me. As of now, there are none of those, or at least, the opportunity for it.I'm isolated with a person that doesn't value anything about myself: me. It's not self esteem, per say, just personal apathy. I'm not hurt by bad things said about me, nor am I encouraged by good things. Well, the only exception being from those I share my trust and with it a certain type of love. The interesting thing is, it doesn't encourage me when they say something encouraging, I'm just glad I'm not a burden to them. I've been, however, stubborn with certain people when I find out I am a burden. Some that I have become reliant on, I don't want to come to the truth that I am doing them no good, so I even further take it out on them. An interesting thing this, as it sort of requires help from the outside, but it has a way of pushing that help away. I suppose i should be glad that I don't pull the self pity card hardly at all. That is naturally abhorrent to everyone. It takes A LOT of patience to overcome that. The state of near desperation does rear it's head though, and sends me into an emotional tail spin every once in a while.
There is nothing in me that i can see is genuinely good, but the real kicker is that it seems like there is near nothing in me at all. I feel like wasted space. A floating shell that simply deprives volume from someone else who has a purpose. I rarely save up the courage to reach out, and the real nature of it is, because of what I have at my disposal to reach out with, it doesn't amount to much. Ironically, other people give me a purpose. I.E. they need help in some manner. I can't sit idly by in that scenario. I have no motivation for myself though. No need to better myself, no ambition to seek out things. Most definitely, no comfort in what I want to do with my life. I can see these in other people who have their own struggles, and i will admire them. I do suck terribly at the whole compliment thing though, so i'm rarely ever able to really get across what it means to observe in them these things. It's such a treat to help people that I can come off too strongly, or as if I had ill motives. I'm able to consume most of my thoughts for someone else, because it's not really being occupied by thoughts for myself. heck, now that i think about it, I'm considering leaving my current job because i don't make enough to not take from my savings. The thing is, i'm only concerned with this because i don't have enough savings to last me till the police academy. My only drive to join the police force is to serve. My only drive to have sought out a career is in consideration of a (maybe) future family I'll have to provide for. I can look from the outside perspective and see that this is weird of course.
Many people have told me to do what i want to do. The problem is, I'm interested in everything, but i don't want to do anything. There's no reason to do something for my own benefit. I have no motivation for a task or an idea without another's involvement. I need a goal, and a specific one, to be fulfilled. The problem is, I will become a burden on anyone far before i'm able to help them. The only reason i don't entertain thoughts of suicide, at least for very long, is that i would burden others by doing that. I would burden my God by doing that. I'm a burden in life, or in death. I take up space. I might as well find some place where I can be useful, no matter how short the time allows til it becomes a detriment. I just have to get used to not being able to have those close relationships, as all i would be is a leech, living off of their life.
Even now, as i type this, I'm fighting back the urge to delete all of this as it's no one else's problem but my own. I'd like it to remain that way. I don't want to be that burden anymore. I need to empty it out though, or else i won't be able to sleep. In turn, i won't be able to work, and make enough to get me by til I become a useful piece in society.
There is nothing in me that i can see is genuinely good, but the real kicker is that it seems like there is near nothing in me at all. I feel like wasted space. A floating shell that simply deprives volume from someone else who has a purpose. I rarely save up the courage to reach out, and the real nature of it is, because of what I have at my disposal to reach out with, it doesn't amount to much. Ironically, other people give me a purpose. I.E. they need help in some manner. I can't sit idly by in that scenario. I have no motivation for myself though. No need to better myself, no ambition to seek out things. Most definitely, no comfort in what I want to do with my life. I can see these in other people who have their own struggles, and i will admire them. I do suck terribly at the whole compliment thing though, so i'm rarely ever able to really get across what it means to observe in them these things. It's such a treat to help people that I can come off too strongly, or as if I had ill motives. I'm able to consume most of my thoughts for someone else, because it's not really being occupied by thoughts for myself. heck, now that i think about it, I'm considering leaving my current job because i don't make enough to not take from my savings. The thing is, i'm only concerned with this because i don't have enough savings to last me till the police academy. My only drive to join the police force is to serve. My only drive to have sought out a career is in consideration of a (maybe) future family I'll have to provide for. I can look from the outside perspective and see that this is weird of course.
Many people have told me to do what i want to do. The problem is, I'm interested in everything, but i don't want to do anything. There's no reason to do something for my own benefit. I have no motivation for a task or an idea without another's involvement. I need a goal, and a specific one, to be fulfilled. The problem is, I will become a burden on anyone far before i'm able to help them. The only reason i don't entertain thoughts of suicide, at least for very long, is that i would burden others by doing that. I would burden my God by doing that. I'm a burden in life, or in death. I take up space. I might as well find some place where I can be useful, no matter how short the time allows til it becomes a detriment. I just have to get used to not being able to have those close relationships, as all i would be is a leech, living off of their life.
Even now, as i type this, I'm fighting back the urge to delete all of this as it's no one else's problem but my own. I'd like it to remain that way. I don't want to be that burden anymore. I need to empty it out though, or else i won't be able to sleep. In turn, i won't be able to work, and make enough to get me by til I become a useful piece in society.
