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I awoke in the middle of the night unsure of my surroundings and without any clothes on. Soft music was playing from the living room, and my eyes adjusted with the help of the moonlight coming in through the window. I looked to my right – sure enough there was an unclothed man lying next to me, fast asleep. My stomach started to tie itself into knots as I went over the events of the evening and how they had brought me to this moment.
“Dinner and a movie seems harmless,” I thought, as I drove to William’s house from campus. I had a chance to get to know William a little bit over the summer (since he worked in an office associated with my dance production). I felt very comfortable around him and quickly began to consider him a trustworthy person. It was for this reason that I decided I would open up to him about my attraction to men.
When I arrived at William’s house, he greeted me with a hug and told me that he had just finished making our dinner. “Would you like any wine?” he asked. While he poured me a glass, I prepared my plate of food and brought it into the living room. It wasn’t the right time to start a deep conversation, so I decided to just allow the night to lead itself. We started the movie, and I relaxed into a comfortable position next to the coffee table…and next to my wine. For the duration of the movie I felt very comfortable. It was as if I were simply at a friend’s house for a movie night, even though I knew that this friend was interested in dating me.
“That’s a nice ring,” I said. “Let me see.”
I grabbed his hand and held it while I looked at the ring. “Have you always been gay?” I asked, as I continued to hold his hand.
“I dated a few women in high school. One day I was dating this girl and realized that I just didn’t want to do that anymore. So I broke it off.”
“I’ve been attracted to men for awhile now. I’m just trying to decide what to do about it.”
I went on to explain that I would rather explore these things now, while I was still young and unattached, instead of wondering about it later in life with a wife and children. I also spoke about being raised in a conservative Christian home, and how I wasn’t sure if being gay was wrong anymore because God loves everyone. William comforted me and offered a lot of understanding nods and responses, while he soothingly caressed my hand. About an hour into the discussion, I started yawning. “Why don’t you stay here tonight?” he said. “It’s late, and you can take the bedroom. I’ll sleep out here on the couch.”
“Okay,” I replied. “Can I use your bathroom?” I left the room feeling a little nervous about staying the night, but relieved to finally have talked with someone about my feelings that really understood.
When I returned from the bathroom, William had turned off all of the lights, leaving only candlelight from the candles that had been burning throughout the evening. I also noticed he had turned on some soothing music. Desire washed over me, and I walked right up to him and kissed him. I could hear my voice from our earlier conversation repeating in my head, “If I’m going to explore, I might as well do it now.”
One thing led to another, and that night I lost my virginity to William.
Later – when I woke up in the middle of the night – I wasn’t quite sure everything had actually happened. Did I really just have sex with a man? I didn’t feel so good. My stomach started to twist, and I once again reassured myself with my own words: “If you are going to explore this, you might as well do it now.” I had to calm myself down.
I drove back to my apartment the following morning consumed with anxiety (the “morning after” anxiety was becoming a familiar pattern during this season of my life). In addition to digesting the fact that I had just lost my virginity, I also found myself questioning whether or not this was a casual thing for William. Without much time to process, I ran quickly to my apartment with just enough time to grab my dance clothes and a quick shower before class. When I arrived at school, I discovered that my roommate notified my classmates that I had not come home from my night with William. Everyone speculated that we had slept together. If it hadn’t been confirmed before, it certainly was now: I was out of the closet.
Reflection:
I didn’t feel good after I lost my virginity to William. Guilt kept nagging me until I gave myself enough reasons to justify what I had done. One of the justifications was equating sex with love. It was ok to have sex if I loved the person, right? As a result, the lines, for me, became blurred between physical intimacy and true love. Unfortunately, this caused me to sleep with someone at a very early stage in my future relationships.
I was right when I told William about God loving everyone. He does love everyone, but that doesn’t give us permission to be disobedient to His will, and it does not justify sin. He set up a way of life for us that brings more joy than the life we would choose for ourselves. In Jeremiah 31:33 God says, “I will put my law within them and I will write it upon their hearts.”
God knows that the gay lifestyle is centered around sex. What else makes a person gay besides sexual attraction to men? And a lifestyle built around sexual attraction is automatically going to encourage a lot of promiscuity, which ends up hurting a lot of people. Cheating, open relationships, one night stands – all ways to fill a need for love in the wrong way. When sex becomes casual, it communicates a message that “you are not good enough to deserve my commitment.” People become devalued, which in turn makes them even more hungry for love.
Some readers may think I’m being stereotypical and prejudiced about the gay community. After all, casual sex is rampant among heterosexual couples too (and just as damaging). But it’s hard to ignore the numbers. Fidelity statistics in gay couples are a mere 4.5% versus the 75.5% found in straight couples (Family Research Council: frc.org).
1 Corinthians Chapter 6 talks about the value of the body. It is worth so much… You are worth so much to God! He bought you with a high price – the life of His only Son. It is right to honor God with your body. Since Christians have the Holy Spirit living inside them (making our bodies a holy temple), we cannot justify casual sex.
http://comingoutofthechristiancloset.wordpress.com/
I awoke in the middle of the night unsure of my surroundings and without any clothes on. Soft music was playing from the living room, and my eyes adjusted with the help of the moonlight coming in through the window. I looked to my right – sure enough there was an unclothed man lying next to me, fast asleep. My stomach started to tie itself into knots as I went over the events of the evening and how they had brought me to this moment.
“Dinner and a movie seems harmless,” I thought, as I drove to William’s house from campus. I had a chance to get to know William a little bit over the summer (since he worked in an office associated with my dance production). I felt very comfortable around him and quickly began to consider him a trustworthy person. It was for this reason that I decided I would open up to him about my attraction to men.
When I arrived at William’s house, he greeted me with a hug and told me that he had just finished making our dinner. “Would you like any wine?” he asked. While he poured me a glass, I prepared my plate of food and brought it into the living room. It wasn’t the right time to start a deep conversation, so I decided to just allow the night to lead itself. We started the movie, and I relaxed into a comfortable position next to the coffee table…and next to my wine. For the duration of the movie I felt very comfortable. It was as if I were simply at a friend’s house for a movie night, even though I knew that this friend was interested in dating me.
“That’s a nice ring,” I said. “Let me see.”
I grabbed his hand and held it while I looked at the ring. “Have you always been gay?” I asked, as I continued to hold his hand.
“I dated a few women in high school. One day I was dating this girl and realized that I just didn’t want to do that anymore. So I broke it off.”
“I’ve been attracted to men for awhile now. I’m just trying to decide what to do about it.”
I went on to explain that I would rather explore these things now, while I was still young and unattached, instead of wondering about it later in life with a wife and children. I also spoke about being raised in a conservative Christian home, and how I wasn’t sure if being gay was wrong anymore because God loves everyone. William comforted me and offered a lot of understanding nods and responses, while he soothingly caressed my hand. About an hour into the discussion, I started yawning. “Why don’t you stay here tonight?” he said. “It’s late, and you can take the bedroom. I’ll sleep out here on the couch.”
“Okay,” I replied. “Can I use your bathroom?” I left the room feeling a little nervous about staying the night, but relieved to finally have talked with someone about my feelings that really understood.
When I returned from the bathroom, William had turned off all of the lights, leaving only candlelight from the candles that had been burning throughout the evening. I also noticed he had turned on some soothing music. Desire washed over me, and I walked right up to him and kissed him. I could hear my voice from our earlier conversation repeating in my head, “If I’m going to explore, I might as well do it now.”
One thing led to another, and that night I lost my virginity to William.
Later – when I woke up in the middle of the night – I wasn’t quite sure everything had actually happened. Did I really just have sex with a man? I didn’t feel so good. My stomach started to twist, and I once again reassured myself with my own words: “If you are going to explore this, you might as well do it now.” I had to calm myself down.
I drove back to my apartment the following morning consumed with anxiety (the “morning after” anxiety was becoming a familiar pattern during this season of my life). In addition to digesting the fact that I had just lost my virginity, I also found myself questioning whether or not this was a casual thing for William. Without much time to process, I ran quickly to my apartment with just enough time to grab my dance clothes and a quick shower before class. When I arrived at school, I discovered that my roommate notified my classmates that I had not come home from my night with William. Everyone speculated that we had slept together. If it hadn’t been confirmed before, it certainly was now: I was out of the closet.
Reflection:
I didn’t feel good after I lost my virginity to William. Guilt kept nagging me until I gave myself enough reasons to justify what I had done. One of the justifications was equating sex with love. It was ok to have sex if I loved the person, right? As a result, the lines, for me, became blurred between physical intimacy and true love. Unfortunately, this caused me to sleep with someone at a very early stage in my future relationships.
I was right when I told William about God loving everyone. He does love everyone, but that doesn’t give us permission to be disobedient to His will, and it does not justify sin. He set up a way of life for us that brings more joy than the life we would choose for ourselves. In Jeremiah 31:33 God says, “I will put my law within them and I will write it upon their hearts.”
God knows that the gay lifestyle is centered around sex. What else makes a person gay besides sexual attraction to men? And a lifestyle built around sexual attraction is automatically going to encourage a lot of promiscuity, which ends up hurting a lot of people. Cheating, open relationships, one night stands – all ways to fill a need for love in the wrong way. When sex becomes casual, it communicates a message that “you are not good enough to deserve my commitment.” People become devalued, which in turn makes them even more hungry for love.
Some readers may think I’m being stereotypical and prejudiced about the gay community. After all, casual sex is rampant among heterosexual couples too (and just as damaging). But it’s hard to ignore the numbers. Fidelity statistics in gay couples are a mere 4.5% versus the 75.5% found in straight couples (Family Research Council: frc.org).
1 Corinthians Chapter 6 talks about the value of the body. It is worth so much… You are worth so much to God! He bought you with a high price – the life of His only Son. It is right to honor God with your body. Since Christians have the Holy Spirit living inside them (making our bodies a holy temple), we cannot justify casual sex.
http://comingoutofthechristiancloset.wordpress.com/