Affair, depression and little children

[Downunderdolphin]

Hello, this is my first post and I don't think I could be in a better place to seek advice and help with this trauma. My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years, we have 3 children and the youngest is only 2 months old. A few years ago he had an affair with another woman. I thought I was going to die when I found out. This ripped me to pieces, shattered glass everywhere literally. I asked what exactly happened and he said they went out, enjoyed meals together etc. Nearly 3 years afterwards I felt led perhaps by the Lord to get the full truth. He admitted to having sex with her a few times. Again I was left devastated and shattered just like before. This has always been in the back of my mind and I have always wanted to know her name. He used to say he couldn't remember and now it "what difference will it make". I told him that I cannot forgive him if I don't have the truth about his time with her. Anyway to cut a long story short we separated a month ago. He treated me really badly from about January, some violence including emotional abuse. Some days it feels like I am having a nervous breakdown. I have been diagnosed with depression and prescribed medicine to treat the condition.

I am all over the place and will need to go back to work very soon. Finances are a huge worry. Being on my own with the three little ones is very difficult. I have been scouring the internet for an online business or just anything I could do part time from home to subsidise the income we have from the state to make things that little bit easier. I may have found an opportunity but it requires and outlay of money which I don't have. Will you please pray for my family, for the business opportunity if it is meant to be the finances will come from somewhere. My heart is so full of resentment towards my husband, these few weeks of our baby's life should be full of joy and happiness and it has been nothing but sad. He is not remorseful for what he has done, instead he often says "just get over it"! This man has lost his family and doesn't care??? I can't seem to get my head around this. I have never cheated on him, I have apologised for all that I have done wrong like shouting at him. I suppose as a Christian we are a little more forgiving at times and I don't want to be riddled with guilt.

Thanks to all, please pray. My husband asked me the other day if I see us getting back together - I said no. I don't know if that was the right answer? what is best for the children and for each other? how will I know for sure before I shut him out completely and move on. For some background we moved from the UK to Australia nearly 18 months ago. Things were not loving or wonderful in England but they are worse here. He doesn't understand that a relationship cannot be built on deceit and lies. I have given him so many chances to come clean about everything and seek help for his anger issues - he does nothing? I think I am fighting a losing battle?

GOD BLESS

 

[AnandaHya]

Do you have a church family that can help you at this time of trouble? there are some on the site that are in Australia. RoboOps the founder lives there.

I do not know what to say, but I will do what my favorite pastor tells me. "I'll pray with you, lets do it right now"

Dear God: we are speechless before your awesome LOVE. Help us heal and know what to do. We lift up this family to Your throne of Grace. Let her feel the healing in the air and let it wrap around her and heal her heart. Send your angels to bring comfort to her and her children. Cut the bond of darkness that surround her live and that of her husband. Do not let the demons stay, be merciful and drive out the hate, the unforgivness, the anger, the hurts and the negative things that do not belong to the LIGHT. LORD hear our prayers. Be MERCIFUL and send Your grace and understanding so our sister will know what to do. Let her decision be based on LOVE not bitterness, Let her remember her children and help her raise them to be the beuatiful people that you mean for them to be. GOD help us to understand and walk safely in this sinful world.

We are your children and humbly beseech Your intercession and place all our worries and cares and hopes and fears on Your throne and await the burdens you lay on our hearts. Lord We thank you for all the wonderful things you have done for us. We rejoice in the laughter of small kids, the sunrise, the very air we breath, the food and the clothes You provide. Praise you always and ask that we act in a manner worthy of the title you have given us as children of the Most High God.

In Jesus name we pray, Amen

YouTube - Chris August - 7x70 (Lyrics)
YouTube - Here am I Lord, Send Me!

remember God's love letter

YouTube - God's love letter

 

[Downunderdolphin]

I love God's love letter - it's just beautiful. Thank you for your prayers, I prayed it too.

 

[Grey]

Lord be with you :*

 

[KezE]

Downunderdolphin I feel your pain & will be praying for you fervently!! My only advice from someone who is in the same place you are, is to keep your eyes on God. Keep yourself pure, do what is right & God WILL honour you & lift you up. You are so angry & hurt right now so don't make any permanent decisions. Just turn to God & rest in Him. "I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Isaiah 41:10

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Hi KezE,

Thanks for taking the time to write. We are going through awful times hey! I think I need to stop trying to figure my husband out. All the time I ask myself why, why, and not once did I ever think this would happen to me.

He knows the name of girl he cheated with but why is he keeping it from me? Apparently he swore that she did not have a child? I am trying to do the right thing here and have given him the last chance to admit everything that happened including her name or he can hit the road. Well he has moved 15 minutes drive away. Your prayers mean a lot. Thanks so much. Rest assured I will also be saying a prayer for you.

Where in Australia are you? I am in Darwin. Are you managing okay? working at all? I am on maternity leave for 12 months but I don't really want to go back to the office job I had before and I am trying to start an online business, hopefully it all comes together : ).

God Bless. X

 

[standingontheWord]

Dear Downunderdolphin

I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. After reading all that has been posted I wanted you to know I prayed the prayer with you and AnandaHaya and stood in agreement with you both. I also read what KezE wrote and I agree with her. I was in your situation, my husband never told me who he was with. It turned out to be my sister. I won't bore you with the details but I will say this I took the way of the world. I don't recommend it, for you or your children. Stay focused on God get into a church, who will be there for you and help you find your way through Him. The other way is like walking in the desert for about 90 years. You are still alive and going through the motions but the joy of living is not with you. In all things seek God and if you don't know how go to church. Make sure you don't settle for just any old church. This will be a place where you find strength and comfort and hopefully lots of friends. I pray you find peace and don't take your eyes off God.

 

[Rosewater]

Try to forgive your husband. It is easier to raise a family with both parents, for you and the children. You could always get couples counseling.

 

[jelomy44]

I will pray for your family...

 

[KezE]

Hi KezE,

Thanks for taking the time to write. We are going through awful times hey! I think I need to stop trying to figure my husband out. All the time I ask myself why, why, and not once did I ever think this would happen to me.

He knows the name of girl he cheated with but why is he keeping it from me? Apparently he swore that she did not have a child? I am trying to do the right thing here and have given him the last chance to admit everything that happened including her name or he can hit the road. Well he has moved 15 minutes drive away. Your prayers mean a lot. Thanks so much. Rest assured I will also be saying a prayer for you.

Where in Australia are you? I am in Darwin. Are you managing okay? working at all? I am on maternity leave for 12 months but I don't really want to go back to the office job I had before and I am trying to start an online business, hopefully it all comes together : ).

God Bless. X

Hi Downunderdolphin,

I'm in Sydney. I have a great job - part time as my kids are still in pre-school. I was initially very concerned about finances but God spoke to me about trusting Him & we have been managing fine.
That's great about the on-line business - I will be praying for that too!!

I completely understand your wanting to know why - I ask that all the time. But there will never be a satisfactory answer. It's about his issues & not about you (even if he tries to tell you it is). Also, I totally get why you want the details of the affair. the not knowing is such a hard part of dealing with it all. But, from previous experience, the more you know, the more you have to dwell on & the more pain it causes. It can be very difficult not to know but knowing is so much more painful. Ask God to reveal to you what's important for you to know & try to let go of the other details - you will be better off.

You are in my prayers x x

 

[agape1]

Hello, this is my first post and I don't think I could be in a better place to seek advice and help with this trauma. My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years, we have 3 children and the youngest is only 2 months old. A few years ago he had an affair with another woman. I thought I was going to die when I found out. This ripped me to pieces, shattered glass everywhere literally. I asked what exactly happened and he said they went out, enjoyed meals together etc. Nearly 3 years afterwards I felt led perhaps by the Lord to get the full truth. He admitted to having sex with her a few times. Again I was left devastated and shattered just like before. This has always been in the back of my mind and I have always wanted to know her name. He used to say he couldn't remember and now it "what difference will it make". I told him that I cannot forgive him if I don't have the truth about his time with her. Anyway to cut a long story short we separated a month ago. He treated me really badly from about January, some violence including emotional abuse. Some days it feels like I am having a nervous breakdown. I have been diagnosed with depression and prescribed medicine to treat the condition.

I am all over the place and will need to go back to work very soon. Finances are a huge worry. Being on my own with the three little ones is very difficult. I have been scouring the internet for an online business or just anything I could do part time from home to subsidise the income we have from the state to make things that little bit easier. I may have found an opportunity but it requires and outlay of money which I don't have. Will you please pray for my family, for the business opportunity if it is meant to be the finances will come from somewhere. My heart is so full of resentment towards my husband, these few weeks of our baby's life should be full of joy and happiness and it has been nothing but sad. He is not remorseful for what he has done, instead he often says "just get over it"! This man has lost his family and doesn't care??? I can't seem to get my head around this. I have never cheated on him, I have apologised for all that I have done wrong like shouting at him. I suppose as a Christian we are a little more forgiving at times and I don't want to be riddled with guilt.

Thanks to all, please pray. My husband asked me the other day if I see us getting back together - I said no. I don't know if that was the right answer? what is best for the children and for each other? how will I know for sure before I shut him out completely and move on. For some background we moved from the UK to Australia nearly 18 months ago. Things were not loving or wonderful in England but they are worse here. He doesn't understand that a relationship cannot be built on deceit and lies. I have given him so many chances to come clean about everything and seek help for his anger issues - he does nothing? I think I am fighting a losing battle?

GOD BLESS

Hi there, I know your pain. I have just joined this site as I was looking for Christian holidays!!! I just wanted to say, please persevere with your husband. Think of obeying and pleasing God in the way you treat your husband, not in pleasing him. Its really hard to love him the way you should when you are so hurt so just love God instead and obey his regard for your marriage. I know its tough. I have been there and I promise good things can come from here. As yours was the only forum I read..... I was stunned (as this appears to be an international chat forum) that you are in Darwin - well I am too!!! If you ever need to talk or pray or have someone to go to church with or go to the Cool Spot for coffee etc... or anything just get in touch with me Thinking of you and praying for your situation. PPS I also have children and have come from overseas

 

[Downunderdolphin]

I can't thank everyone enough for your prayers, please continue. agape1, I agree it is extremely hard to love him when all I feel is complete hurt and numbness all over. I have stopped trying to figure things out and trust God for everything. My husband does not want to be truthful and prefers to live a life of lies?? I have given him so many chances to be truthful with me about the ordeal, the large amounts of money he used to spend on random purchases etc but so far nothing? I can only imagine this woman is either beautiful or the complete opposite and perhaps I will end up with complex issues. I really don't know what to do. Some days are better than others that's for sure.

I have a Church that I go to sometimes although it doesn't feel completely the right place for me? The ladies I have met are very warm and kind but I worry so much about what people think that I don't want them to know too much about my life at the moment.

You know I have driven past the Cool Spot a few times and I have never been. The older two are with dad this weekend until Sunday afternoon. Next weekend they are with me so I think we should make a plan and head that way : ).

Have a blessed weekend everyone.

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Try to forgive your husband. It is easier to raise a family with both parents, for you and the children. You could always get couples counseling.

Hi Rosewater,

I agree it is easier. We have been to couples counselling 3 times. It works for a little while and then it all goes pear shaped again. Can't help but feel that the foundation of our problems are because of all the lies I have been told over the years..... I have always said to him it is the truth that will set you free, he batters his eyelids and that's it. I don't think he is interested in changing at all.

 

[KezE]

Hi Rosewater,

Can't help but feel that the foundation of our problems are because of all the lies I have been told over the years..... I have always said to him it is the truth that will set you free, he batters his eyelids and that's it. I don't think he is interested in changing at all.

It is very important that there is true repentance before you try to rebuild your marriage. Christians often think that we must forgive over & over regardless of the circumstances. But that is not what God does & He is to be our model when it comes to forgiveness. There are numerous examples throughout the bible where God rejected those who did not repent (e.g. Sodom & Gamorrah, the flood, the pharassees etc). However, whenever someone had a repentant heart, no matter what the sin was, God is merciful & quick to forgive (e.g. David committed adultery & murder but God still called him 'a man after my own heart' - why? - because he was truly repentant & lay prostrate before God, pleading for forgiveness). If there is no repentance from your husband - if he cannot admit to what has happened & ask for your forgiveness, you have no foundation to build your marriage on.
But you can pray for this repentance - God is able to do all things. He is a miracle working God & this miracle is NOT too hard for Him!

 

[mdw1369]

I am kind of going through a situation with my marriage as well. My wife has found another man that she has a very strong interest in. The best advice i can give you is to read the scripture and Pray. We can not control what anyone does except for ourselves. I understand your pain and I will be praying for you and your family including your husband. Lord I pray that this young lady will turn her self and her free will over to you. I pray she will turn her worry over to you as you have told us not to worry. I pray for peace and calmness in her Lord I lift this lady up to you and ask that you will hold her close and show her the love you have for her. I pray that you will put a conviction in her husbands heart and he will answer the door that you are knocking on. I pray that your will be done and that you help her to go forward in her walk with you Jesus. In Christ name I pray. Amen

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Thanks for the prayers. It is 02:30am on Sunday morning here. I have slept about 2 hours. After getting up to feed the baby I found that I couldn't go back to sleep. I will try again in a little while otherwise it is going to be a very looooong day before I rest again which will be tonight.

You are so right KEZe true repentance is fundamental for me to forgive him. I remember once he said - I have already said sorry, what do you want? my blood? I think it was the was he said, like it is something you say for the sake of it?

He came by yesterday to drop our daughter off (his weekend with the kids) and he was so weird.... not really sure what's going on now. Miracles take time I know and it is to God's timing what will happen in my situation. Last night before I went to bed for a short time I prayed that his will be done for us, either we come together or if we are meant to remain apart that will be okay too. It is whatever is best for us both. On Friday afternoon our daughter cried because we have two houses etc....

Also the last two times he has come to fetch he older two he hasn't asked to hold the baby? or see him in the bath on Friday night? I wonder if his baby son matters to him?

GOD BLESS X

 

[FirstToTestify]

Downunderdolphin;
Your post broke my heart. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. But, I do know what it's like to struggle with depression. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is force yourself to get up every day. If you let it consume you, then in a way, Satan is winning because you'll lose focus on God. But if you keep going, if you focus on the light that is the Lord, then you will find the strength to get through each day.
With your husband, I would just say to pray about it. From what it sounds like, he's not a Christian. Forgive me if I'm wrong. That's just the impression I got. If you're unequally yoked, then I think it's best not to go back to him. You need a husband that can help you in your walk, not hinder it. But please try to find it in your heart to forgive him. While there's no excuse for his actions, we need to forgive and forget. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Lord, I lift downunderdolphin up to You today. The pain her husband left her with isn't something she can deal with on her own. She needs Your unfailing love. Father, I just praise You for the way that you love us. The way that You help us through some of life's most difficult struggles reminds me of how awesome You are. Her kids are so young and I just pray that You bless their lives and let them be filled with the joy that every child should have, instead of the pain and resentment that the world will try to leave them with. Please help downunderdolphin to understand what is happening. I know there's no easy answer, but right now, that peace is needed. Only You can truly give her that. I also pray for her husband if he truly is not saved. I ask that You speak to him in some way that he is not expecting so that he may come to know You and repent for his actions. Lord, help to remind downunderdolphin and her children that You do not waste a scar. Please just heal the scars that are left behind.
In Jesus' Name I Pray. Amen.

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Downunderdolphin;
Your post broke my heart. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. But, I do know what it's like to struggle with depression. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is force yourself to get up every day. If you let it consume you, then in a way, Satan is winning because you'll lose focus on God. But if you keep going, if you focus on the light that is the Lord, then you will find the strength to get through each day.
With your husband, I would just say to pray about it. From what it sounds like, he's not a Christian. Forgive me if I'm wrong. That's just the impression I got. If you're unequally yoked, then I think it's best not to go back to him. You need a husband that can help you in your walk, not hinder it. But please try to find it in your heart to forgive him. While there's no excuse for his actions, we need to forgive and forget. I'll be praying for you and your family.

Lord, I lift downunderdolphin up to You today. The pain her husband left her with isn't something she can deal with on her own. She needs Your unfailing love. Father, I just praise You for the way that you love us. The way that You help us through some of life's most difficult struggles reminds me of how awesome You are. Her kids are so young and I just pray that You bless their lives and let them be filled with the joy that every child should have, instead of the pain and resentment that the world will try to leave them with. Please help downunderdolphin to understand what is happening. I know there's no easy answer, but right now, that peace is needed. Only You can truly give her that. I also pray for her husband if he truly is not saved. I ask that You speak to him in some way that he is not expecting so that he may come to know You and repent for his actions. Lord, help to remind downunderdolphin and her children that You do not waste a scar. Please just heal the scars that are left behind.
In Jesus' Name I Pray. Amen.

Thank you. My husband is not saved. I came across a saying the other day it said: The truth will cost you nothing but lies will cost you everything. He is without his family and doesn't seem to care? or he has a strange way of hiding it. I need to try and get the images of him and the other woman out of my mind..... it is driving me crazy.

On another note the online business I told everyone about looks like it will be hard work but may just pay off in the end. I have joined the company, with God by my side and some confidence to get going I hope it will be a success. X

Our little children are the victims in this ordeal. So much hurt that I never thought I would ever have to deal with. I was looking at photos going back years and it was like a trip through memory lane. My husband has also been lying to him mother about me.... it would seem that he is so desperate not to look bad that as long as she is on his side nothing else matters.

 

[FirstToTestify]

I'll definitely be praying for you and the online business. With God's help, it will pay off in the end. I'm so sorry for your children. But, you're a strong woman. You'll find a way to be the best mother you can be to them anyways. I think you're right. It sounds like deep down, he knows he screwed up but he doesn't want to admit it. Maybe he feels like if he has at least one person on his side, then he didn't actually do anything wrong.

 

[Downunderdolphin]

Update: Well today when I went out to my car I discovered that my license plates had been stolen? Now I don't know why anyone would want my set and I my car is not new either. Have reported it to the police but will have to buy a new set : (. Maybe that is also why I couldn't sleep. My husband came around today to have a look at the car and to me he is rather distant, not wanting anything from me. For example do you want a biscuit (the kids were having), he said no thanks???? everything. He must thing I am trying to woe him or something when I am just being polite. I get the feeling that he doesn't want to be with any more and also I don't know if I want to be with him 100%. I just want to do what is right and God knows what that is : ).

I have not had to invest any money in the business so far which is great. Trying to get my hands on a Skype phone so I can get started. Things don't come from doing nothing and I am prepared to work very hard to succeed. Please keep us in your prayers. Thank you from my heart. GOD BLESS.