YOU just discribed my own mother, honestly! Sadly, you and hubby with never ever change her actions and unasked opinions..my wife and I have been dealing with this for our 39 yrs of marriage. Here is what you HAVE to do. IT's called IGNORE and consider the sourse. THE insecurities your mother in law have will never abate. She will always continually be a sore spot in the family. This is mother nature. She needs a hobby, she needs a life outsife of her own apart from the DNA she shares with her son and grandchildren, but she will never go away. YOU have to grow a tough shell, bear it. THe focus is on your own little sweet daughter and what you will face in the future. Your mother in law will be more like a busy bee or pest, houvering on the outside of your window, ready to annoy. THere is no other way to say it. Keep peace, for JESUS would want you to. You cannot curse her, you cannot avoid her, but you can see her for what she is, love her, but do not get uptight because she does not know any other way to relate...'nuff said...I live it daily and it is the only way I can cope.
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We're here for you Chey.
As for waiting till your MIL changes, that's never going to happen. She believes she's right. And she's spoiled because people give her what she wants due to her behavior when she doesn't get what she wants.
I was very close with a family that had a MiL that was a narcissist. It was all about her and she had six kids! Those children were abused horribly growing up because bratty behavior would reflect on her and her husband and cause people, all this in her mind, to think they were not good Catholics and not fit parents.
Consequently, they raised children who grew into adults that are terrified of upsetting her. Her husband died a few years ago but it was always all about her. This was a woman who would get upset with one of her kids, or her own sibling, and deem it fit punishment to not speak to them, look at them if they were in her vicinity, or acknowledge they even existed and for years! While she maintained her "right" to be mad at them and until, if ever, she decided she was over it.
Your MiL sounds similar to her. She looks at your daughter as if it is a personal affront to her side of the family that the little darling has issues with her eyes. It's all about her.
As it is about your personal schedule as a family when you're married to "her" son! It's her! All about her!
The most sacred responsibility a person or persons have is when they undertake the choice to bear children and raise them. Those little one's are the future and their upbringing is paramount. And as any parent knows, they're little sponges. They pick up on everything in their environment where they're raised.
You owe the life you want to give your children and the peace you deserve in the process to yourselves and your children first.
Your MiL has demonstrated for years that she isn't the one that believes she needs to respect that or you as a family unit. And what she fails to realize is it is a privilege to be invited into the family her son has created. Not a right.
If I were you this is what I'd do.
I'd ask her if she would have time to have a sit down and talk. Just the two of us.
And then I'd put it all out there. I'd also bring her pamphlets, even copies off the net, as pertain to Nystagmus and Optic nerve hypoplasia, so that she could elect to educate herself rather than stare at my child for some sign that will tell her what's going on.
And then I'd set boundaries again and I'd be very firm about that. (Of course review all this with hubby first). I'd stay strong, and I'd look her in the eyes the whole time. Even if I started to cry I'd look her in the eyes so that she would know I mean what I say even through the tears and the nerves that are there in part because of her. And if those tears showed up, I'd tell her why they and the nerves were there; because of her.
I'd tell her that if she hadn't done an excellent job in raising her son that I wouldn't have had an excellent choice in a husband and father of my children and her grandchildren. And I'd tell her that now that we are a family she has to trust that she raised him right and to know his mind and what he wanted in a wife.And that she was just going to have to trust it all to work out as it will.
And then I'd leave her with this: I hope this helps you understand my position and ours as a family. We are raising our children to the best of our ability and I trust that you know that any difficulties you present to that mission will only hurt your son and his children and the wife he loves enough to bring your family legacy into the world with.
And then I'd depart. And I'd hold my ground. But I'm like that. I hate bullies and especially those who bully children and women. Even when they're also women.
No one can make you feel insecure without your permission.
This is your family! Your responsibility.
Women like your MiL will not install boundaries into their behavior. They'll push as far as allowed. If you're intimidated she'll know that and she'll push more. How she'd raise your family means nothing. It is your family! You just happen to be married to her son.
The only thing she has responsibility for now is in how she accomplished that and trusting she did a good job as he raises his family in union with his wife using all the tools she instilled.
Stand your ground. Children should know their grandparents. But only when their grandparent(s) are a positive influence in young impressionable minds. Those grandparents can be either a blessing or a dire warning. And those who are a dire warning cause way too much drama and emotional pain that has to be overcome later because of the exposure they were allowed to those impressionable children early on.
Remember, her access to your children are a privilege the two of you grant her. It is not her right.
God be with you. Pray and ask for his guidance. He'll not let you down. And pray for your MiL too. Toxic family starts generations before. She's simply showing you how she was raised. And it is that influence that you don't want to affect your children.
She's older. She'll be out of your lives as God wills one day as all parents pass on. Don't make it a family feud, but also don't let yourself be bullied out of your faith and trust that you are qualified to parent those precious gifts God himself trusted you with.
As for waiting till your MIL changes, that's never going to happen. She believes she's right. And she's spoiled because people give her what she wants due to her behavior when she doesn't get what she wants.
I was very close with a family that had a MiL that was a narcissist. It was all about her and she had six kids! Those children were abused horribly growing up because bratty behavior would reflect on her and her husband and cause people, all this in her mind, to think they were not good Catholics and not fit parents.
Consequently, they raised children who grew into adults that are terrified of upsetting her. Her husband died a few years ago but it was always all about her. This was a woman who would get upset with one of her kids, or her own sibling, and deem it fit punishment to not speak to them, look at them if they were in her vicinity, or acknowledge they even existed and for years! While she maintained her "right" to be mad at them and until, if ever, she decided she was over it.
Your MiL sounds similar to her. She looks at your daughter as if it is a personal affront to her side of the family that the little darling has issues with her eyes. It's all about her.
As it is about your personal schedule as a family when you're married to "her" son! It's her! All about her!
The most sacred responsibility a person or persons have is when they undertake the choice to bear children and raise them. Those little one's are the future and their upbringing is paramount. And as any parent knows, they're little sponges. They pick up on everything in their environment where they're raised.
You owe the life you want to give your children and the peace you deserve in the process to yourselves and your children first.
Your MiL has demonstrated for years that she isn't the one that believes she needs to respect that or you as a family unit. And what she fails to realize is it is a privilege to be invited into the family her son has created. Not a right.
If I were you this is what I'd do.
I'd ask her if she would have time to have a sit down and talk. Just the two of us.
And then I'd put it all out there. I'd also bring her pamphlets, even copies off the net, as pertain to Nystagmus and Optic nerve hypoplasia, so that she could elect to educate herself rather than stare at my child for some sign that will tell her what's going on.
And then I'd set boundaries again and I'd be very firm about that. (Of course review all this with hubby first). I'd stay strong, and I'd look her in the eyes the whole time. Even if I started to cry I'd look her in the eyes so that she would know I mean what I say even through the tears and the nerves that are there in part because of her. And if those tears showed up, I'd tell her why they and the nerves were there; because of her.
I'd tell her that if she hadn't done an excellent job in raising her son that I wouldn't have had an excellent choice in a husband and father of my children and her grandchildren. And I'd tell her that now that we are a family she has to trust that she raised him right and to know his mind and what he wanted in a wife.And that she was just going to have to trust it all to work out as it will.
And then I'd leave her with this: I hope this helps you understand my position and ours as a family. We are raising our children to the best of our ability and I trust that you know that any difficulties you present to that mission will only hurt your son and his children and the wife he loves enough to bring your family legacy into the world with.
And then I'd depart. And I'd hold my ground. But I'm like that. I hate bullies and especially those who bully children and women. Even when they're also women.
No one can make you feel insecure without your permission.
This is your family! Your responsibility.
Women like your MiL will not install boundaries into their behavior. They'll push as far as allowed. If you're intimidated she'll know that and she'll push more. How she'd raise your family means nothing. It is your family! You just happen to be married to her son.
The only thing she has responsibility for now is in how she accomplished that and trusting she did a good job as he raises his family in union with his wife using all the tools she instilled.
Stand your ground. Children should know their grandparents. But only when their grandparent(s) are a positive influence in young impressionable minds. Those grandparents can be either a blessing or a dire warning. And those who are a dire warning cause way too much drama and emotional pain that has to be overcome later because of the exposure they were allowed to those impressionable children early on.
Remember, her access to your children are a privilege the two of you grant her. It is not her right.
God be with you. Pray and ask for his guidance. He'll not let you down. And pray for your MiL too. Toxic family starts generations before. She's simply showing you how she was raised. And it is that influence that you don't want to affect your children. She's older. She'll be out of your lives as God wills one day as all parents pass on. Don't make it a family feud, but also don't let yourself be bullied out of your faith and trust that you are qualified to parent those precious gifts God himself trusted you with.
Very wise and considerate of your Husband. I still suggest that he seriously curtail communication with her about you or any of the children. As a person who betrays confidences and is intentionally hurtful; she should not be given targets for her hurtfulness. If she asks about you or them she should be told ' I won't talk about them unless or until you show that you can be trusted not to use what you hear hurtfully'
K
Hi CheyChey, welcome to the forum.
Wow, a lot you are dealing with, and I figure that's merely a small sample of the complete picture!
I had a meddling mil for 18 years, so I empathize. In retrospect, for the 18 years of toxicity, it took about that long to heal from it. Perhaps if I had been aware of the complexity of personality disorders I could have coped better, for she had quite the combination. She is deceased now, we rarely talk about her.
Honoring your parents doesn't mean subjecting yourself or your children to mental anguish and abuse from her. You can't make her cherish your relationship, you can't change her heart, only the Almighty can do that.
I see you've received some good advise already. Please remember your husband and you, with guidance from our Heavenly Father, remaining united in all you do will be a strong fortress. Never give ear to her disparaging the one to the other. She can't damage your family without your permission. (wish I'd handled my situation that way)
Children are a precious gift from God. They grow up so fast, and the time when they need you most is when they are defenseless. You can't protect them after they're grown, can't manage their lives. What you can do is build a strong bond with them now, and be an example in all you do. Even how you deal with this situation, one day the children will be grown, they will remember.
God bless you, your family, protect you from all harm.~k
Wow, a lot you are dealing with, and I figure that's merely a small sample of the complete picture!
I had a meddling mil for 18 years, so I empathize. In retrospect, for the 18 years of toxicity, it took about that long to heal from it. Perhaps if I had been aware of the complexity of personality disorders I could have coped better, for she had quite the combination. She is deceased now, we rarely talk about her.
Honoring your parents doesn't mean subjecting yourself or your children to mental anguish and abuse from her. You can't make her cherish your relationship, you can't change her heart, only the Almighty can do that.
I see you've received some good advise already. Please remember your husband and you, with guidance from our Heavenly Father, remaining united in all you do will be a strong fortress. Never give ear to her disparaging the one to the other. She can't damage your family without your permission. (wish I'd handled my situation that way)
Children are a precious gift from God. They grow up so fast, and the time when they need you most is when they are defenseless. You can't protect them after they're grown, can't manage their lives. What you can do is build a strong bond with them now, and be an example in all you do. Even how you deal with this situation, one day the children will be grown, they will remember.
God bless you, your family, protect you from all harm.~k
G
Chey,
I am afraid there is a misdiagnosis. Your daughter is not blind. Your MIL is the one who's blind, not legally, but spiritually blind, for "having eyes, she sees not."
Stay focused on your daughter.
What are your goals, hopes, wishes for her? To teach your daughter about God. To arm her heart, soul, mind to see not her blindness, but to see herself empowered by you and your husband and most of all, by God. Indeed, your daughter has God given talents and gifts.
"Hide here, she can't see very well." Stings. Gut wrenching. Anything but those words. My thoughts: "Oh, please. No. Don't say that. Don't. I know she can't see very well. But there's more to my daughter than that. Why hide? Why play this game that is stacked up against my young daughter? Why? You are making sport of my daughter, having her go about feeling and working to strain, just wishing if she could only see and find you."
In a few weeks or so, present the idea to your daughter that some people can't do what most others can do. A little boy with only one leg, won't be able to join his friends in a sudden "Hey, the first one to the end of the block, gets a dollar from everyone else."
Do you want to play hide and seek?" Not your daughter's game. She can actually laugh at it later. They were the weak ones. Let's hide from someone who is blind (Legally). Here's a response, "Sure, but you'll be bored." Why? "Because you don't have to hide. I can't see you if you're standing 4 ft. away from me. So why hide?" Or, "Sure, I'll play. But let's play fair. The person who is not hiding, has to wear a blind fold." Any objections will only prove a point. If they accept the blindfold, they'll see being blind is not fun, comfortable, easy.
Easter, Birthdays, Holidays. They are days. None of us has a right to have the happiest birthday. Your MIL's vacation plans on your daughter's birthdays, are no worse than your MIL's heartless comments on any ordinary day.
Concerning what to do in general?
You've probably seen a motorhome sitting in a driveway. It's parked there nearly 11 months out of the years. Just sits there. Not washed. Never leaves the driveway. Some are even covered with a tarp.
That motorhome you see. That's your MIL. No special attention. None. If you happen to see bird poop on the camper, as when your MIL opens her mouth, let her be the one to suffer sickness it will bring. At night, when she lays her head down to sleep, she will wonder why, why do I sleep? It does me no good. I wake up just as tired.
You know. You must let the droppings drop. If she sees that her droppings are stain your heart, your feelings, she ain't going to stop.
One way to learn to ignore is to not invest so much emotions and expectations in birthdays and holidays. Telling your MIL weeks ahead of a party for your daughter is only saying to your MIL: "I am setting you up. You now know when the party is. So now you must come. My terms. You will adore my daughter, your granddaughter. You will not focus on yourself, you will focus on her."
That's not your attempt, but it could be how your MIL takes. She wants the attention.
Your MIL's actions dictate that you treat her as an acquaintance. You send birthday invitations one week ahead of the party to your friend, you do the same to your MIL. Don't give a "heads up" a month in advance. Your MIL will find a way to be gone. And then you will be upset. Not a good party.
And respond only to your MIL's hateful verbal statements when your daughter hears them. Remember, a response doesn't always need to be directed to your MIL. You can always, call your daughter over to you, and just give her a big hug. Sincerely, and honestly to remind her, she's dear, she's loved. Then say "Time to leave." And you leave. And any response to your MIL ought to be short and with little emotion. A simple, calm "That's not Christ like." Or, "There's no love in those words." Then leave.
Remember, your MIL can be in your life, but she's not a Rolls Royce with parking garage privileges.
Pull back from her. No "Just calling to see how you are doing." Or, "I wanted to share with you." She calls, you talk. Insults and put downs are addressed with a calm quite, but firm response then "I have to go." I don't know if you talk to others in the family about MIL, but you shouldn't. A number of reasons. Does not change a thing. Might be gossip. You're strong than that. And it will strengthen the pain and anger you feel.
Pray for your MIL. Be polite. Be kind. Don't debate her. Don't argue with her. Don't brag about your daughter to her. Just listen when and if she calls, be kind and have conversation, but once she speaks negative of your daughter. End of conversation. Have to go. Don't fight her. Just say "I love you. Bye." Calmly. Done. Over. If she compliments your daughter, don't take the bait. Just thank her and agree with the compliment.
May I suggest that your MIL presents an opportunity. Use these days to build your daughter. If she sees you cry (which is understandable) then she may mimic that later. Show her strength. Cry alone with your husband.
Expect much from your daughter. I think. What I mean is, have her do as much for herself and more as she learns. She's got to. I am not suggesting you lie to her, but don't let her get accustomed to "I can't."
Your daughter is not blind. She sees love from you. That's 20/20 vision. That's the vision of angels. That's God's vision.
Mother you are. God has blessed your daughter. And you!
I am afraid there is a misdiagnosis. Your daughter is not blind. Your MIL is the one who's blind, not legally, but spiritually blind, for "having eyes, she sees not."
Stay focused on your daughter.
What are your goals, hopes, wishes for her? To teach your daughter about God. To arm her heart, soul, mind to see not her blindness, but to see herself empowered by you and your husband and most of all, by God. Indeed, your daughter has God given talents and gifts.
"Hide here, she can't see very well." Stings. Gut wrenching. Anything but those words. My thoughts: "Oh, please. No. Don't say that. Don't. I know she can't see very well. But there's more to my daughter than that. Why hide? Why play this game that is stacked up against my young daughter? Why? You are making sport of my daughter, having her go about feeling and working to strain, just wishing if she could only see and find you."
In a few weeks or so, present the idea to your daughter that some people can't do what most others can do. A little boy with only one leg, won't be able to join his friends in a sudden "Hey, the first one to the end of the block, gets a dollar from everyone else."
Do you want to play hide and seek?" Not your daughter's game. She can actually laugh at it later. They were the weak ones. Let's hide from someone who is blind (Legally). Here's a response, "Sure, but you'll be bored." Why? "Because you don't have to hide. I can't see you if you're standing 4 ft. away from me. So why hide?" Or, "Sure, I'll play. But let's play fair. The person who is not hiding, has to wear a blind fold." Any objections will only prove a point. If they accept the blindfold, they'll see being blind is not fun, comfortable, easy.
Easter, Birthdays, Holidays. They are days. None of us has a right to have the happiest birthday. Your MIL's vacation plans on your daughter's birthdays, are no worse than your MIL's heartless comments on any ordinary day.
Concerning what to do in general?
You've probably seen a motorhome sitting in a driveway. It's parked there nearly 11 months out of the years. Just sits there. Not washed. Never leaves the driveway. Some are even covered with a tarp.
That motorhome you see. That's your MIL. No special attention. None. If you happen to see bird poop on the camper, as when your MIL opens her mouth, let her be the one to suffer sickness it will bring. At night, when she lays her head down to sleep, she will wonder why, why do I sleep? It does me no good. I wake up just as tired.
You know. You must let the droppings drop. If she sees that her droppings are stain your heart, your feelings, she ain't going to stop.
One way to learn to ignore is to not invest so much emotions and expectations in birthdays and holidays. Telling your MIL weeks ahead of a party for your daughter is only saying to your MIL: "I am setting you up. You now know when the party is. So now you must come. My terms. You will adore my daughter, your granddaughter. You will not focus on yourself, you will focus on her."
That's not your attempt, but it could be how your MIL takes. She wants the attention.
Your MIL's actions dictate that you treat her as an acquaintance. You send birthday invitations one week ahead of the party to your friend, you do the same to your MIL. Don't give a "heads up" a month in advance. Your MIL will find a way to be gone. And then you will be upset. Not a good party.
And respond only to your MIL's hateful verbal statements when your daughter hears them. Remember, a response doesn't always need to be directed to your MIL. You can always, call your daughter over to you, and just give her a big hug. Sincerely, and honestly to remind her, she's dear, she's loved. Then say "Time to leave." And you leave. And any response to your MIL ought to be short and with little emotion. A simple, calm "That's not Christ like." Or, "There's no love in those words." Then leave.
Remember, your MIL can be in your life, but she's not a Rolls Royce with parking garage privileges.
Pull back from her. No "Just calling to see how you are doing." Or, "I wanted to share with you." She calls, you talk. Insults and put downs are addressed with a calm quite, but firm response then "I have to go." I don't know if you talk to others in the family about MIL, but you shouldn't. A number of reasons. Does not change a thing. Might be gossip. You're strong than that. And it will strengthen the pain and anger you feel.
Pray for your MIL. Be polite. Be kind. Don't debate her. Don't argue with her. Don't brag about your daughter to her. Just listen when and if she calls, be kind and have conversation, but once she speaks negative of your daughter. End of conversation. Have to go. Don't fight her. Just say "I love you. Bye." Calmly. Done. Over. If she compliments your daughter, don't take the bait. Just thank her and agree with the compliment.
May I suggest that your MIL presents an opportunity. Use these days to build your daughter. If she sees you cry (which is understandable) then she may mimic that later. Show her strength. Cry alone with your husband.
Expect much from your daughter. I think. What I mean is, have her do as much for herself and more as she learns. She's got to. I am not suggesting you lie to her, but don't let her get accustomed to "I can't."
Your daughter is not blind. She sees love from you. That's 20/20 vision. That's the vision of angels. That's God's vision.
Mother you are. God has blessed your daughter. And you!
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