can you guys post something funny please?

[JimmyTheLock]

Face warning!

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, she said, "You know, Bobby, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and always stay like that."

Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Fishing Jokes 1

A local sheriff got an unexpected call one day--an old college friend was passing through and wanted to go fishing for an afternoon. They hadn't seen each other in 25 years. The sheriff provided the boat, gladly, and the 2 men headed out to what promised to be a great afternoon of reliving the old tales and hopefully creating new tales.

As they stopped at the first good fishing spot, the out of towner reached down, grabbed a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it overboard. The explosion nearly knocked the sheriff out of the boat. Dead fish floated up and the guest, started scooping them up.

"What are you thinking?" asked the incredulous sheriff. "That's against the law!!"

"Oh, come on, what are you going to do, arrest me?" replies the old friend. "I always fish like this, it's the easiest way."

"There's no sport in that--true fishermen find the best spots, the best lures and the best time of day...we're true craftsmen."

While the sheriff rambled on, the guest reached down into his 'tackle box,' grabbed another stick of TNT, lit it and handed it to the sheriff.

"Now," said the out of towner, "are you gonna keep babbling, or are you gonna fish?"
________________________________________________________________

"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I
thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your
husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too
soon.

"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up
catching the most fish!"
________________________________________________________________

Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"

"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
________________________________________________________________

A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?"

"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."

"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "they're really big!"

"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"

"No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails"

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed.

"They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.

"Yes", she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,

"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."
________________________________________________________________

Two goobers go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Fishing Jokes 2

If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland.
________________________________________________________________

How do you kiss a pike?
Very carefully
________________________________________________________________

Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"
________________________________________________________________

Why are fish smarter than mice?
Because they live in schools.
________________________________________________________________

What side of a fish has the most scales?
The outside.
________________________________________________________________

What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather
________________________________________________________________

What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
________________________________________________________________

Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank.
________________________________________________________________

How can you tell when a fishermen is lying?
Watch his mouth real close. If it moves he's lying.
________________________________________________________________

Bob and Jimbo were out on the lake one morning. They were having a great day, pulling in fish after fish, until the boat was full. When it was time to leave, Jimbo says, "Boy, the fishing here was great! Hope we can remember how to get back to this spot next time". "Well", says Bob, "let me fix that!". He pulls out a piece of chalk, and puts a big "X" on the side of the boat. "Now, we'll know where this place is next time". After rowing halfway back to shore, Jimbo suddenly says, "Wait a minute, Bob! What if we don't get the same boat???!!!".
________________________________________________________________

Near a highway bridge several boats were scattered about in the lake as there was the Annual Bass Catchers Classic fishing tournament in progress, when a funeral procession came by on the bridge. Everybody just kept on fishing except for one fisherman, who put his fishing pole down, stood up, removed his hat and remained in that fashion until the funeral procession was passed. A nearby fisherman happened to see this and was impressed at how respectful the man had been, so he cranked up his boat and pulled up beside the other mans boat. "Howdy, I saw how considerate you were toward that funeral procession, pausing and standing like that. I wish I had been as thoughtful"

The other man replied, "I reckon it's the least I could do. After all, we'd been married for nearly 30 years."
________________________________________________________________

Why didn't Noah do any fishing on the arc?
Because he only had two worms!
________________________________________________________________

Two boys were sitting on the rivers edge fishing. One turns to the other and says "Do fish grow fast?". The other boy replies "I think so. Every time my Dad tells the story about the one that got away it grows another foot"
________________________________________________________________

A pastor loved to fly fish. It was an obsession, but so far this year the weather had been so bad that he had not had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box. Strangly though every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forcast was again good for the coming Sunday so he called his assistant pastor claiming to have lost his voice and in bed with the flu. He asked if he could take over his sermon.

The fly fishing pastor drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what he was doing. He informed God who agreed that he should do something.
With the first cast of pastor's line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the pastor ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson." God replied "I did. Who do you think he is going to tell?"
________________________________________________________________

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?"The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.""Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
________________________________________________________________

Henry took his fishing very seriously. One day his young son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off"…"But that's just what I did, mommy."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Fractured Dictionary

Arbitrator - \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable - \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney - \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette - \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize - \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.

Control - \kon-trol'\:
A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters - \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse - \i-klips'\:
what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper - \i'-drop-ur\:
a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes - \hee'-rhos\:
what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank - \left' bangk'\:
what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty - \mis'-tee\:
How some golfers create divots.

Paradox - \par'-uh-doks\:
two physicians.

Parasites - \par'-uh-sites\:
what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist - \farm'-uh-sist\:
a helper on the farm.

Polarize - \po'-lur-ize\:
what penguins see with.

Primate - \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief - \ree-leef'\:
what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck - \rub'-er-nek\:
what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress - \seem'-stres\:
describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish - \sel'-fish\:
what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued - \sub-dood'\:
like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed - \sood'-a-fed\:
bringing litigation against a government.

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Funeral Notice

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll
model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly Dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Funny announcements heard on airplanes

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Funny Product Warnings

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE
MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP
UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -TO AVOID CONDENSATION
FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE
BREAKFAST CEREAL?

9. On a Sears hairdryer -DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

10. On a bag of Fritos -YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.

11. On a bar of Dial soap -DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-DO NOT TURN
UPSIDE DOWN.

13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

14. On a Korean kitchen knife -WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE
ONLY.

16. On a Superman Halloween Costume- WARNING: THIS COSTUME WILL NOT ENABLE
YOUR CHILD TO FLY.

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Funny sayings...kinda

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6) In the memo field of all your checks, write " FOR POLITICAL BRIBES".

7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8) Don't use any punctuation

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12) Sing along at the opera.

13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16) Have your co workers address you by your wrestling name, Lookatme.

17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!" "I Won!" "This is the 3rd time this week!!!"

18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

19) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Funny sayings...kinda 2

IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?

If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?

How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?

If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?

Do Dutch people always split the bill?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Can you sleep forever without being in coma?

Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?

If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?

How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?

If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?

Why is the blackboard green?

Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

What do you call male ballerinas?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a reseal able lid?

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Funny Tech Support Stories
(supposed to be actual accounts from tech support people)

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the 'Any' key is.

2. SAT technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another SAT customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid," The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer."

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of
the disk and wondered why there were problems.

11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

13. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

God Goes To Capitol Hill

In today's political climate, the formulation of law does not follow a heavenly model. To illustrate how low we've sunk, here's how the Ten Commandments might have been developed if the process were governed by current political rules.

Chief heavenly pollster informs God of alarming findings: His flock is hungry for moral guidance.

God floats a trial balloon, leaking word to key town criers that he is formulating a comprehensive policy statement on proscribed human behavior to be called "The Ten Commandments."

Opponents are sharply critical of the plan, asking, "Do you want the same guy who runs the weather to tell you how to live your life?"
Slipping in the polls, the Deity taps David Gergen, formerly associated with the Party of Darkness, as "Counsel to the Creator." Gergen sees "absolutely no problem" with his previous service under Satan.

"All The Almighty's Men," a scathing insider view of celestial politics is released, triggering a nosedive in the Lord's approval rating.

National Big Heavy Stones Association demands rescission of "Thou Shalt Not Commit Murder" prohibition, claiming it infringes on the protected Right to Bear Arms and noting that "Rocks Don't Smote People, People Smote People."

God appoints Moses, influential human being person, as his Morality Spin Doctor. They brainstorm strategy: "What if we chiseled the thing on a tablet or something, and you come down from a mountain holding it up above your head looking like Charlton Heston. Would that not be an awesome Photo Op, or what?"

Pharaoh Cuomo tries to horn into the spotlight, declaring, "The Ten Commandments do not go far enough." He agonizes publicly over a possible run at divinity himself, deciding in the end that "the Pharaohship is where I belong now."

Moses presents the Ten Commandments (now renamed by Gergen "The Guaranteed Pathway to The Rapture Security Act") as planned in a dramatic ceremony at the Pearly Gates, featuring a hot "Rock n Roll Heaven" Band.

Tsenturion Tsongas ridicules the plan, quipping, "I'm not Santa Claus - I can't promise you eternal life if you follow ten rules." Tsongas suggests a

$1.00 per grain Sand Tax to pay for the sins of the people. He is stoned.

The People oppose the plan upon learning of its strict rules, including a uniform penalty for non-compliance: roasting in the white-hot flames of hell for eternity. The Lord backpedals, saying, "I have never said that all of the Commandments are written in stone. All I want is righteousness as a whole. If we can approve "No Cussing" this year, we'll phase in the others over a ten-year period.

"Adulterers of the Euphrates" puts considerable pressure on the King of Kings through their powerful lobbying group. God agrees to an amendment stating, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, Unless Thou Art Bigtime Sorry."

One week before the vote, God gets tough, saying to Abraham: "Unless you vote for the package as proposed, I will take your first-born son." Abraham responds, "Okay, but you've got to come down to Mesopotamia and stand next to me on the podium at the Shepherd's of Distinction luncheon."

A formal vote is held up in Congress when greedy representatives saddle the bill with the most useless make-work pork barrel project in history -- The Pyramids.

Centurion Helms filibusters over failure to add Eleventh Commandment forbidding man to lie down with man.

God goes directly to the people in a "Fireside Chat" -- his head appears in their fireplaces, surrounded by flames. Ratings are tremendous.

Gergen advises the Lord, "You are coming across as too High and Mighty."

The Lord snaps back at Gergen "I am high and mighty." You need to loosen up your image. Perhaps you can take up a musical instrument. See if Gabriel can teach you how to use that horn.

Ponchus Perot appears on the "King Larry" show to debate. He is humiliated, causing an upsurge in support for the Ten Commandments, but not enough to win the votes.

After a flurry of amendments and broad changes in the package as originally proposed, the bill is passed.

The Lord signs the bill into law in a ceremony in the Cloud Garden. As passed, the law contains no commandments, but authorizes new aqueduct projects in the home districts of five key Centurions.

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Good news, and bad news for Pastors

Good News: You baptized several today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The pastor-church relations committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they decided to call a new pastor capable of filling the position.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

Good News: The church has agreed to send you to the Holy Land for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to breakout before sending you.

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Gotchas!

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Honking to pass

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff, Arizona (about 140 miles). He got as far as Black Canyon City (about 40 miles) before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.

He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

How DO you get to Heaven?

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church building every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out: "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

 

[JimmyTheLock]

How many dogs to replace a lightbulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Blue Heeler Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

 

[JimmyTheLock]

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today…
their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do Ido?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later...)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".
and you have to just know the rest ....lol

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Blondes shopping for Christmas tree

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolfs,
one blonde turned to the other and said, " I'm chopping down the next tree I
see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

It's not my fault

This guy gets hired to paint lines down the middle of the highway. The first day he paints 109 miles. The boss is impressed! He tells him that if he keeps this up he'll be getting a raise and a promotion!

But the next day he only manages to paint 5 miles. The day after that he only gets one mile done.

At the end of the day he's told that he's fired. "It's not my fault!" he says, "I kept getting farther away from the paint can!"

 

[JimmyTheLock]

Jokes by Cohnny Jarson

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover that once a year is way too often.

And on the show tonight, we have five Miss America contestants and some dogs. (Audience Roars) I mean real dogs. (More laughter) Come on now, you know I mean dogs that bark.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.