If you feel he is controlling and is not good for your mental health and he is not willing to change for you then it is time to take a break.I am not saying to leave but give him time to realize what he does towards you! I am sorry also that you are going through this and have kids.If you want to talk I'm here. hugs
Controlling Spouse?
- Thread starter MammaPlus2
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L
So, I'm going to give the OP some multi-faceted advice that more than likely won't be popular, but it will be Biblical, nevertheless.
Before I begin to do so, let me state emphatically that I am by no means seeking to acquit your husband of any guilt.
His sins may very well be stacked up to the highest heaven, but you’re here now, and he’s not, so I can only address your side of the situation at this moment.
That said, here we go:
I Peter chapter 3
[1] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
[2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
[3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
[4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
[5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
[6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
It may initially surprise you to hear me say this, but the most important word in that which we just read may very well be the word “likewise” (vs. 1).
In other words, here, Peter is linking his advice to wives in situations where their husbands “obey not the word” (vs. 1) with what he had just finished saying in the previous chapter.
With this in mind, let’s back up a bit (I could back up even further than this, but this ought to suffice) into chapter 2.
There, we read:
I Peter chapter 2
[18] Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.
[19] For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.
[20] For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.
[21] For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:
[22] Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:
[23] Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:
[24] Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
[25] For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
Here, Peter was talking about servants or literally slaves, and how they should be subject to their masters with all fear, AND NOT ONLY TO THE GOOD AND GENTLE, BUT ALSO TO THE FROWARD or to those who were basically going in the wrong direction (froward as opposed to toward God).
If this wasn’t seemingly strange enough already, he went on to tell them that it was “thankworthy (Would you or I give thanks for something like this?), if a man FOR CONSCIENCE TOWARDS GOD endures grief while suffering wrongfully.
Further still, he went on to say that patiently suffering for doing well is acceptable with God…even though most professing Christians find such to be totally unacceptable in their self-absorbed lives (Just keeping this real).
Huh?
How can this possibly be acceptable with God?
The answer is actually quite simple, but it’s a simple answer that MULTITUDES of professing Christians stubbornly, defiantly, and proudly refuse to accept.
Citing Christ himself as our example (Is Jesus truly our example?), Peter said that we’ve actually been CALLED to suffer wrongfully.
Again, I know that this TRUTH doesn’t sit well with the vast majority of professing Christians, but it is THE TRUTH, nonetheless.
Now, here’s the good news:
We can overcome suffering wrongfully in the same exact manner that Jesus, our example, did:
BY COMMITTING OURSELVES TO HIM, GOD THE FATHER, WHO JUDGES RIGHTEOUSLY.
In other words, no matter what anybody else is saying or attempting to do to us here on earth, they are not the true judge.
God is.
If we truly have a CONSCIENCE TOWARDS GOD (vs. 19), then we too can endure grief while suffering wrongfully.
However, if we really couldn’t care less about how our actions or reactions sit in God’s sight, then we’re going to get caught up in our own selfish desires, and inevitably do that which is displeasing or unacceptable in God’s sight.
With this backdrop, let’s look again at I Peter chapter 3:
[1] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
[2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
[3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
[4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
[5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
[6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
Whereas you mentioned “pushing back” against your husband, God’s word mentions “being in subjection to him”.
Now, before anybody bursts an artery, let me tell you what this does NOT mean:
It NEVER means that you subject yourself to anything sinful that your husband suggests or demands.
Let me give you a couple of Biblical examples of what I’m now saying.
We read:
Acts chapter 5
[1] But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession,
[2] And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet.
[3] But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?
[4] Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.
[5] And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things.
[6] And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him.
[7] And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in.
[8] And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much.
[9] Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.
[10] Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband.
Here, Ananias’ wife, Sapphira, agreed together with her husband to tempt the Spirit of the Lord, and it literally cost her her life.
Again, God NEVER wants you to subject yourself to anything sinful that your husband suggests or demands.
My next example comes from the Old Testament in I Samuel 25:1-42.
I won't cite the text here because it is quite long, but if you read it for yourself (and you should), then you should recognize that Nabal, Abigail’s husband, was an exceedingly wicked man, BUT that didn’t stop Abigail from doing that which was right herself. In other words, she didn’t need to be under his “control” in relation to his sinful behavior. Neither did she have to take matters into her own hands as far as somehow fixing him was concerned. Instead, she simply did what was right herself, wound up being blessed for the same, and God himself dealt with her wicked husband.
(Continued in the next post)
Before I begin to do so, let me state emphatically that I am by no means seeking to acquit your husband of any guilt.
His sins may very well be stacked up to the highest heaven, but you’re here now, and he’s not, so I can only address your side of the situation at this moment.
That said, here we go:
I Peter chapter 3
[1] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
[2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
[3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
[4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
[5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
[6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
It may initially surprise you to hear me say this, but the most important word in that which we just read may very well be the word “likewise” (vs. 1).
In other words, here, Peter is linking his advice to wives in situations where their husbands “obey not the word” (vs. 1) with what he had just finished saying in the previous chapter.
With this in mind, let’s back up a bit (I could back up even further than this, but this ought to suffice) into chapter 2.
There, we read:
I Peter chapter 2
[18] Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward.
[19] For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully.
[20] For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.
[21] For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps:
[22] Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth:
[23] Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:
[24] Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed.
[25] For ye were as sheep going astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls.
Here, Peter was talking about servants or literally slaves, and how they should be subject to their masters with all fear, AND NOT ONLY TO THE GOOD AND GENTLE, BUT ALSO TO THE FROWARD or to those who were basically going in the wrong direction (froward as opposed to toward God).
If this wasn’t seemingly strange enough already, he went on to tell them that it was “thankworthy (Would you or I give thanks for something like this?), if a man FOR CONSCIENCE TOWARDS GOD endures grief while suffering wrongfully.
Further still, he went on to say that patiently suffering for doing well is acceptable with God…even though most professing Christians find such to be totally unacceptable in their self-absorbed lives (Just keeping this real).
Huh?
How can this possibly be acceptable with God?
The answer is actually quite simple, but it’s a simple answer that MULTITUDES of professing Christians stubbornly, defiantly, and proudly refuse to accept.
Citing Christ himself as our example (Is Jesus truly our example?), Peter said that we’ve actually been CALLED to suffer wrongfully.
Again, I know that this TRUTH doesn’t sit well with the vast majority of professing Christians, but it is THE TRUTH, nonetheless.
Now, here’s the good news:
We can overcome suffering wrongfully in the same exact manner that Jesus, our example, did:
BY COMMITTING OURSELVES TO HIM, GOD THE FATHER, WHO JUDGES RIGHTEOUSLY.
In other words, no matter what anybody else is saying or attempting to do to us here on earth, they are not the true judge.
God is.
If we truly have a CONSCIENCE TOWARDS GOD (vs. 19), then we too can endure grief while suffering wrongfully.
However, if we really couldn’t care less about how our actions or reactions sit in God’s sight, then we’re going to get caught up in our own selfish desires, and inevitably do that which is displeasing or unacceptable in God’s sight.
With this backdrop, let’s look again at I Peter chapter 3:
[1] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
[2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
[3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
[4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
[5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
[6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
Whereas you mentioned “pushing back” against your husband, God’s word mentions “being in subjection to him”.
Now, before anybody bursts an artery, let me tell you what this does NOT mean:
It NEVER means that you subject yourself to anything sinful that your husband suggests or demands.
Let me give you a couple of Biblical examples of what I’m now saying.
We read:
Acts chapter 5
[1] But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession,
[2] And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet.
[3] But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?
[4] Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God.
[5] And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things.
[6] And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him.
[7] And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in.
[8] And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much.
[9] Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.
[10] Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband.
Here, Ananias’ wife, Sapphira, agreed together with her husband to tempt the Spirit of the Lord, and it literally cost her her life.
Again, God NEVER wants you to subject yourself to anything sinful that your husband suggests or demands.
My next example comes from the Old Testament in I Samuel 25:1-42.
I won't cite the text here because it is quite long, but if you read it for yourself (and you should), then you should recognize that Nabal, Abigail’s husband, was an exceedingly wicked man, BUT that didn’t stop Abigail from doing that which was right herself. In other words, she didn’t need to be under his “control” in relation to his sinful behavior. Neither did she have to take matters into her own hands as far as somehow fixing him was concerned. Instead, she simply did what was right herself, wound up being blessed for the same, and God himself dealt with her wicked husband.
(Continued in the next post)
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L
(Continued from the previous post)
What you said about “pushing back” against your husband greatly concerns me, especially in the light of what we’ve twice read in I Peter chapter 3.
Here it is, one last time:
[1] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
[2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
[3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
[4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
[5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
[6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
Do you “trust in God” (vs. 5) or do you rather trust in the faulty wisdom of men and women?
If you trust God, then God says that you “may without the word” (vs. 1) win your husband by your “conversation” (an old English word which means “behavior” or “lifestyle”) as he beholds your chaste conversation (behavior/lifestyle) coupled with fear or, more specifically, the fear of God.
Yes, it needs to be “the hidden man of the heart” or “the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit” (which is the polar opposite of a proud and loud spirit) that might actually turn your husband’s heart.
Are you willing to do things God’s way, again, with a conscience towards God, even if you have to suffer wrongfully and endure grief at times?
I mean, what’s the only other option?
Doing things that are in direct opposition to God’s word?
Again, I’m NOT talking about subjecting yourself to anything sinful, and while we’re on the topic of “control”, is it possible that some of that “control” is simply things that you don’t want to do that aren’t truly sinful?
This is NOT an accusation, but merely a question.
Anyhow, should said “control” ever equate with any sort of violence, then know, of a certainty, that God is TOTALLY OPPOSED to that:
Malachi chapter 2
[13] And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand.
[14] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
[15] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
[16] For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.
Again, God is TOTALLY OPPOSED to those who “cover violence with their garment” or who seek to hide their abusive ways under a cloak of religiosity.
Anyhow, my overall advice to you, which is based upon everything that we just read, is this:
Continue to do good yourself, no matter what your husband does, with a conscience towards God, and allow God to use THAT to bring conviction upon your husband.
Of course, you should also regularly allow God to search your own heart because, as the old saying goes, “It takes two to tango”.
In other words, problematic marriages are rarely totally one-sided as far as guilt is concerned.
For whatever that’s worth…
What you said about “pushing back” against your husband greatly concerns me, especially in the light of what we’ve twice read in I Peter chapter 3.
Here it is, one last time:
[1] Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
[2] While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
[3] Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
[4] But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
[5] For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
[6] Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
Do you “trust in God” (vs. 5) or do you rather trust in the faulty wisdom of men and women?
If you trust God, then God says that you “may without the word” (vs. 1) win your husband by your “conversation” (an old English word which means “behavior” or “lifestyle”) as he beholds your chaste conversation (behavior/lifestyle) coupled with fear or, more specifically, the fear of God.
Yes, it needs to be “the hidden man of the heart” or “the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit” (which is the polar opposite of a proud and loud spirit) that might actually turn your husband’s heart.
Are you willing to do things God’s way, again, with a conscience towards God, even if you have to suffer wrongfully and endure grief at times?
I mean, what’s the only other option?
Doing things that are in direct opposition to God’s word?
Again, I’m NOT talking about subjecting yourself to anything sinful, and while we’re on the topic of “control”, is it possible that some of that “control” is simply things that you don’t want to do that aren’t truly sinful?
This is NOT an accusation, but merely a question.
Anyhow, should said “control” ever equate with any sort of violence, then know, of a certainty, that God is TOTALLY OPPOSED to that:
Malachi chapter 2
[13] And this have ye done again, covering the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping, and with crying out, insomuch that he regardeth not the offering any more, or receiveth it with good will at your hand.
[14] Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
[15] And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.
[16] For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.
Again, God is TOTALLY OPPOSED to those who “cover violence with their garment” or who seek to hide their abusive ways under a cloak of religiosity.
Anyhow, my overall advice to you, which is based upon everything that we just read, is this:
Continue to do good yourself, no matter what your husband does, with a conscience towards God, and allow God to use THAT to bring conviction upon your husband.
Of course, you should also regularly allow God to search your own heart because, as the old saying goes, “It takes two to tango”.
In other words, problematic marriages are rarely totally one-sided as far as guilt is concerned.
For whatever that’s worth…
L
P.S.
For almost 18 years, I had to suffer wrongfully and endure grief while being married to a tremendously controlling wife (she literally was practicing to become a witch before we got married, and witchcraft ran for generations in her family).
Although I never submitted myself to her control (nor did I seek to control her myself), I had to take my own advice that I just gave you DAILY in order to just survive.
In other words, DAILY, I needed to commit myself to God who judges righteously in order to overcome the onslaught of evil that she sought to unleash on me.
Anyhow, I just want you to know that I've been there myself, albeit on the other side of the fence, so to speak, and that God's grace is sufficient.
For almost 18 years, I had to suffer wrongfully and endure grief while being married to a tremendously controlling wife (she literally was practicing to become a witch before we got married, and witchcraft ran for generations in her family).
Although I never submitted myself to her control (nor did I seek to control her myself), I had to take my own advice that I just gave you DAILY in order to just survive.
In other words, DAILY, I needed to commit myself to God who judges righteously in order to overcome the onslaught of evil that she sought to unleash on me.
Anyhow, I just want you to know that I've been there myself, albeit on the other side of the fence, so to speak, and that God's grace is sufficient.