Devastated for a Friend and her Marriage

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kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#1
I have a dear friend. She and her husband use to pastor our church years ago. We've kept touch over the years on FB. Last night I saw posts of people saying they were praying for her. I PMed her and said I'd be praying and hoped all was ok. She said things weren't ok and never would be again. That worried me but she didn't seem to want to talk.So I said I'd pray for her.

Later in the evening just before bed I saw her post on a FB what had happened. She thought the page was private but she revealed her husband had cheated on her.I felt devastated for her.I could not sleep all night. I just talked to her this morning and she admitted that he had cheated on her with his 39 yr old worship leader. They've been married 35 years,have 6 grandchildren. I mean,he's in his 50s.I just didn't know what to say. He was my pastor,I never sensed he had an issue like that and I pick up on that pretty quickly. I told her it was his issue and had nothing to do with her. But she's not buying that,of course. She said she feels she looks old and I cut her off and said this was his issue and he needs to get help. They've had to step down from a church they just took. I told her I'd pray.But she is such a sensitive person and I know she is taking this to heart. Its just hard to know what to say,they were my pastors.I told her I was there to talk or just to pray if she needed that. Any advice on what I could say to help her? Im just really in shock. And I cannot imagine what she is feeling. Heartbroken for her.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#2
Heaven forbid, but if your husband cheated on you, wouldn't you feel like it's your fault? Couldn't you come up with 20,000 different reasons it was your fault all the while beating the crap out of him? (Okay, maybe that last part is just on me. :eek: Oh, no! Not me! I'd beat up the other woman!) If someone told you otherwise, could you even hear that?

She's going to get a whole bunch of advice from everyone. There is no advice needed at this time. A shoulder is needed. A shoulder to cry on. And that shoulder will get soaked down to the pants.

Be that person. Be that person until she can wrap her head around this enough to then need advice. Because this isn't a time when advice is needed. She can't hear anything. She only sees and hears what he said and did. It's looping in her mind so hard, I doubt anything else is going on in her brain.

And, she might need a place to stay, and someone to remind her to eat... or to stop eating, depending on what she does when she mourns such a great loss.

But, sometime in the not too distant future, she'll also need a laugh. (That's why I told what I'd do. To get you to laugh.) A smile or a laugh does something strange to mourning. It gives us our first glimpse into "the world keeps going, and I might be a part of that again some day." Our first hope.

Just be there for her without giving advice until asked. One thing I do when I'm mourning is avoid people. All people. And I do that because too many think it's a time to give me advice. Worse yet, I can't think and the advice conflicts. (My aunt woke me up to tell me Mom died. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to not cry in front of her, so she advised me that it's okay to cry. And then once I started, she said, "Don't cry." Really? I already didn't know how to deal with it, so compounding it with advice that conflicts really doesn't help.) I really would prefer one person to be there with me without thinking any words will make this okay. (And, I will always have a special spot in my heart for my cousin, who did just that.)
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,820
112
63
#3
I told her it was his issue and had nothing to do with her. But she's not buying that,of course. She said she feels she looks old and I cut her off and said this was his issue and he needs to get help.
Your right about it being his fault, but she might be blaming herself for his infidelity. Its odd, but maybe she feels her looks have something to do with him losing interest. That may have been his excuse? I wouldn't cut her off, just listen to why she thinks it happened. Maybe there were other things that led up to his cheating? They say that the 'act' is just a symptom of something else that was going horribly wrong. Relationships that have lasted that long seldom turn bad due to one problem, they were likely growing apart for some time. Hopefully she can maintain her confidence (self-esteem) and put the blame where it belongs..jmo
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#4
Heaven forbid, but if your husband cheated on you, wouldn't you feel like it's your fault? Couldn't you come up with 20,000 different reasons it was your fault all the while beating the crap out of him? (Okay, maybe that last part is just on me. :eek: Oh, no! Not me! I'd beat up the other woman!) If someone told you otherwise, could you even hear that?

She's going to get a whole bunch of advice from everyone. There is no advice needed at this time. A shoulder is needed. A shoulder to cry on. And that shoulder will get soaked down to the pants.

Be that person. Be that person until she can wrap her head around this enough to then need advice. Because this isn't a time when advice is needed. She can't hear anything. She only sees and hears what he said and did. It's looping in her mind so hard, I doubt anything else is going on in her brain.

And, she might need a place to stay, and someone to remind her to eat... or to stop eating, depending on what she does when she mourns such a great loss.

But, sometime in the not too distant future, she'll also need a laugh. (That's why I told what I'd do. To get you to laugh.) A smile or a laugh does something strange to mourning. It gives us our first glimpse into "the world keeps going, and I might be a part of that again some day." Our first hope.

Just be there for her without giving advice until asked. One thing I do when I'm mourning is avoid people. All people. And I do that because too many think it's a time to give me advice. Worse yet, I can't think and the advice conflicts. (My aunt woke me up to tell me Mom died. I didn't know what to do, so I tried to not cry in front of her, so she advised me that it's okay to cry. And then once I started, she said, "Don't cry." Really? I already didn't know how to deal with it, so compounding it with advice that conflicts really doesn't help.) I really would prefer one person to be there with me without thinking any words will make this okay. (And, I will always have a special spot in my heart for my cousin, who did just that.)

Oh I knew she'd be beating herself up. She already had issues about self esteem,so that worries me even more.I know she didn't skip a beat and went there. So that is why I told her that this is his issue,not hers. I can only speak for women,men may do the same,but she said she's old,she has wrinkles {and she really looks yrs younger than she is} but he's old too. They're the same age! Not that 50 is old but if she thinks she's old well he looks the same as she does.

Either way she did say that he wanted to reconcile,almost like she wanted me to say whether she should or shouldn't and I said he needs to go for help.Other than that I gave no advice and just said I was there to talk. I live way too far from her for her to visit. But I'm not sure she has anyone to talk to.I simply told her I was there if she needed me.She also has a daughter that has a child and she's not married,so thats added stress. I just feel so bad for her. And I think Im still in shock myself.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
63,062
1,867
113
#5
Tell her that she may want to make this stuff on her page, private.. :/

Luke 1:37...
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#6
Tell her that she may want to make this stuff on her page, private.. :/

Luke 1:37...
Well she was on another page asking for help and thought it was private, I guess she thought it was a forum like setting. She didn't know until I told her I saw it that it was not private. She said that the woman that her husband cheated with,her father is angry with her. She was afraid he had seen her question on the FB page. She's just tied up in knots over this. And full of fear. Just appreciate if everyone would keep her in your prayers.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
12,205
337
83
#7
Your right about it being his fault, but she might be blaming herself for his infidelity. Its odd, but maybe she feels her looks have something to do with him losing interest. That may have been his excuse? I wouldn't cut her off, just listen to why she thinks it happened. Maybe there were other things that led up to his cheating? They say that the 'act' is just a symptom of something else that was going horribly wrong. Relationships that have lasted that long seldom turn bad due to one problem, they were likely growing apart for some time. Hopefully she can maintain her confidence (self-esteem) and put the blame where it belongs..jmo
Thank you for the input. It's good to hear a mans view. Likely they did have issues,but you don't solve that by sleeping with another woman,of course. But oddly enough it seems he wants to reconcile and if they had such issues,why would he want to jump back into them again? Not making sense to me.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#8
Thank you for the input. It's good to hear a mans view. Likely they did have issues,but you don't solve that by sleeping with another woman,of course. But oddly enough it seems he wants to reconcile and if they had such issues,why would he want to jump back into them again? Not making sense to me.
From memories of Christian women friends who were trying to get me to okay them cheating on their husband, my take is "He thinks I'm wonderful." Then brain-over-shoulders switches off and brain-between-legs takes control.

If people thought over cheating, no one would cheat. All it takes is someone stroking our ego and turning off our common sense.

I've never heard anyone cheating for anything above "He/She thinks I'm wonderful." It's pure ego before thinking about the spouse. There is usually still love for the spouse, but ego trumped that. It's very annoying often, because I knew the spouse thought they were wonderful too, and their actions never hid it.