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Dorothy13

Dorothy13

Senior Member
#1
Jun 23, 2015
367
9
18
#1
Okay well, I want to ask some advice on something that has been bothering me for quite some time.
I guess I should start with a little bit about me.
Well, I'm turning 15 in August and I'm from a family of 17 (parents included).
My dad is very practical and honestly one of the most intelligent people I know, whereas my mum isn't practical at all and as you might guess, they clash a lot because of that. Don't get me wrong, they have been married for 40 years and I know they love each other a lot but we do get a lot of arguments (my dad being mad at my mum, that is) and since my dad has been diagnosed with CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) for about 20 years, it's very hard for him to do a lot of physical work, so we all try to do as much as we can. As long as I can remember, we've lived in a huge house that needed a lot of work and as long as I can remember, we've all been trying to fix, build, clean up this house (an old factory) that somehow just never gets finished. Four years ago, we purchased a farm on the other side of the country and the amount of work we have to do to keep everything in order is immense, considering most of my siblings have a full-time job so they don't have too much time to work in the house, but they do all they can, of course. Now, my dad is really critical on the things we do, and so often they aren't good enough or we don't do enough, so he'll get really mad at us a lot as well. I really, really, try my hardest to stay motivated and do as much as I can to help but it's honestly very hard for me, also because I'm still trying to recover of a severe depression. I love my dad with all of my heart but I honestly can't stand all the discussions and the yelling in this house. I understand that we need to try our best and I admit that we don't do enough sometimes but I'm finding it really hard to cope with everything at the moment. :(

 
D

Depleted

Guest
#2
#2
Dorothy13 said:
Okay well, I want to ask some advice on something that has been bothering me for quite some time.
I guess I should start with a little bit about me.
Well, I'm turning 15 in August and I'm from a family of 17 (parents included).
My dad is very practical and honestly one of the most intelligent people I know, whereas my mum isn't practical at all and as you might guess, they clash a lot because of that. Don't get me wrong, they have been married for 40 years and I know they love each other a lot but we do get a lot of arguments (my dad being mad at my mum, that is) and since my dad has been diagnosed with CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) for about 20 years, it's very hard for him to do a lot of physical work, so we all try to do as much as we can. As long as I can remember, we've lived in a huge house that needed a lot of work and as long as I can remember, we've all been trying to fix, build, clean up this house (an old factory) that somehow just never gets finished. Four years ago, we purchased a farm on the other side of the country and the amount of work we have to do to keep everything in order is immense, considering most of my siblings have a full-time job so they don't have too much time to work in the house, but they do all they can, of course. Now, my dad is really critical on the things we do, and so often they aren't good enough or we don't do enough, so he'll get really mad at us a lot as well. I really, really, try my hardest to stay motivated and do as much as I can to help but it's honestly very hard for me, also because I'm still trying to recover of a severe depression. I love my dad with all of my heart but I honestly can't stand all the discussions and the yelling in this house. I understand that we need to try our best and I admit that we don't do enough sometimes but I'm finding it really hard to cope with everything at the moment. :(
Click to expand...
Two questions for you that you don't even have to answer for me. I want you to answer, at least the first one for yourself. (Don't even have to tell what the answer is.)
1. What does keep you motivated?

It's going to take a bit of time and thinking to answer that one, but take that time to think it out, even if it takes a week or a month.

And once you have that answer figure out, here's the second question for you...

2. Can you talk to your Dad about that? About how you want to be treated? If you can, then can you and he work together to make sure he remembers to treat you like that? And to motivate you like that?

He's already in the habit of yelling and being critical, so it will take effort from both of you if he's willing. And he won't be very good at it immediately, because...15 kids! He developed that habit fast and hard! (On the job training for being Dad. lol)

There are different styles to being-the-boss. Some are yellers, some are sympathetic, some are hard-nosed, and some are ineffective. Generally speaking, we can pick our bosses, so we can always walk away if they have a style that goes against our grain. But, he's your dad, so you don't want to walk away.

He picked his style probably partly from upbringing but mostly because it worked for most of his kids. (If it didn't work, he wouldn't have continued to do it.) Less kids at home now, so the dynamic changes. I strongly suspect he can work on changing his style, if you can work with him, and at least tell him where it's not working with you.

Ultimately, there is one thing better about parents than bosses. They love us. I bet the two of you can work on this together, as long as necessary because you both love each other.

I know it sounds scary to talk to him about this. I imagine all sorts of images are floating in your mind, including, "he'll disown me." I had the same fears with Dad the first time I had to speak up. And because of that something big changed. He stopped seeing me as his little girl. (Sort of. I will always be his little girl in other ways. lol) And he finally noticed I was growing up.

I was a year older than you then. I strongly suspect the same thing happens for you. (And don't think Dad gentled out quickly. He never did. He merely stopped yelling at me. :))

So first figure out how you want things to change. Then talk to the only one that can help change those things. And consider this a partnership, because he has no experience doing his job the softer way. So this will be new grounds for both of you.
 
Dan_473

Dan_473

Senior Member
#3
Mar 11, 2014
9,054
1,051
113
#3
Dorothy13 said:
Okay well, I want to ask some advice on something that has been bothering me for quite some time.
I guess I should start with a little bit about me.
Well, I'm turning 15 in August and I'm from a family of 17 (parents included).
My dad is very practical and honestly one of the most intelligent people I know, whereas my mum isn't practical at all and as you might guess, they clash a lot because of that. Don't get me wrong, they have been married for 40 years and I know they love each other a lot but we do get a lot of arguments (my dad being mad at my mum, that is) and since my dad has been diagnosed with CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) for about 20 years, it's very hard for him to do a lot of physical work, so we all try to do as much as we can. As long as I can remember, we've lived in a huge house that needed a lot of work and as long as I can remember, we've all been trying to fix, build, clean up this house (an old factory) that somehow just never gets finished. Four years ago, we purchased a farm on the other side of the country and the amount of work we have to do to keep everything in order is immense, considering most of my siblings have a full-time job so they don't have too much time to work in the house, but they do all they can, of course. Now, my dad is really critical on the things we do, and so often they aren't good enough or we don't do enough, so he'll get really mad at us a lot as well. I really, really, try my hardest to stay motivated and do as much as I can to help but it's honestly very hard for me, also because I'm still trying to recover of a severe depression. I love my dad with all of my heart but I honestly can't stand all the discussions and the yelling in this house. I understand that we need to try our best and I admit that we don't do enough sometimes but I'm finding it really hard to cope with everything at the moment. :(
Click to expand...
You probably already know this but

you're responsible for things like cleaning up after yourself.

you're not responsible for making your parent's dreams work out.
 
Dan58

Dan58

Senior Member
#4
Nov 13, 2013
1,991
338
83
#4
Dorothy13 said:
Now, my dad is really critical on the things we do, and so often they aren't good enough or we don't do enough, so he'll get really mad at us a lot as well. I really, really, try my hardest to stay motivated and do as much as I can to help but it's honestly very hard for me, also because I'm still trying to recover of a severe depression. I love my dad with all of my heart but I honestly can't stand all the discussions and the yelling in this house. I understand that we need to try our best and I admit that we don't do enough sometimes but I'm finding it really hard to cope with everything at the moment. :(
Click to expand...


Sounds like your Dad is demanding too much, there's no pleasing someone who's never satisfied, so nothing you do will ever be good enough. He is suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome because he probably pushed himself as hard as he's pushing his family. Don't let him burn you out, and don't let your inability to calm him down depress you. Do what you reasonably can do to help, but when he complains, just tell him you need to set limits, otherwise you'll catch the same CFS that he's suffering from. Being around someone who is constantly yelling, fighting, and complaining would depress anyone, so separate yourself from that environment if necessary, for your own sake and mental health.. jmo

 
Z

Zi

Guest
#5
#5
I grew up with a mother who was very hard on us.. I have found oft times they aren't happy with themselves and take it out on others... I have to limit my interactions with her because she is still very critical and everything wrong is done by another, there are no accidents in her mind.. I have to remind myself that Ive done all I can do and I don't have to be miserable just because she is. I stopped taking it personal but it took many years.
 
J

Jstar845

Junior Member
#6
Nov 16, 2016
10
1
0
#6
Hi, Thanks for sharing your experiences. You are a very strong young lady and intelligent. I know that you work hard and do all that you can. I commend you on all that you do for your family and in school. I know that you have a lot to offer the world and a role model to other girls your age. Stay encouraged through all of this. I truly admire your resilience. I see you are dedicated to this work and I’m inspired with how you are handling this situation to help your dad and family out. You’ll clearly a strong person. Since, you are doing all you can continue to pray and ask God for strength and how to handle this situation. Also, vent to your friends as you need to clear your head from all of this. I would also keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Also, don’t forget to do things for yourself. Hugs and you are in my prayers. We are here for you. [FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
M

mcubed

Senior Member
#7
Dec 20, 2013
1,449
218
63
#7
Y-shua tells us to caste all of our cares upon Him, for He cares for us. And one of my favorites He says My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

The point of these Scriptures is G-d’s word is for the here and the now. I cannot tell you what to do about your home life, but what I do know is about life. trust me 14 or 40 there are demands, some way beyond what we can carry. There are times I will pray and picture G-d and tell Him I cannot carry this you must and picture latterly putting it on Him. Every morning I pray for 4 things: 1, that I will do what is right in G-d’s eyes and not my own, (and at the age of 46) 2, I will do what is right for my parents, 3, and for my job. And that I will find favor with G-d.

G-d makes it all just good somehow. He just does His G-d thing for me. And He will you too.

I promise you, later in life you will have burdens, they will just be different but no matter what they are, your burdens now or later, cast them upon the Lord He cares for you. And your mom and dad.
 
O

oldethennew

Banned
#8
Feb 28, 2016
11,311
2,972
113
#8
oh yes, obedience is Key to finding our rest and peace in our Saviour, Jesus Christ...
 
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