Friendships

[call1home]

I was just wondering about something for several weeks now and wanted to get some feedback on the topic of friendships and what we are to expect from them.
I am 50 years old, I know that sounds old but I dont feel or act like it. But anyway, It seems to me that most of the relationships I have are usauly the type that Iam more of the person that the other guy looks to to set the example and walk the strait and narrow, if you know what I mean. I do most of the listening and ask most of the questions about them and there life. Almost like a therapist you could say. And thats OK thats part of who I am. But I do not feel that I have that person in my life. Someone that I can talk to about what is going on with me and maybe something Iam struggeling with or heck just want to talk about. I have my wife and beleive me she is more than I deserve, But thats a little different and is not what Iam looking for here.
Its that person that is more spirtual than me and someone that I can look up for guidence in my adult life. You probably know how it is with what we call friends. We use that word so loosely. The people I was talking about eaalier I would not talk to them about the deeper part of who Iam. There just not that trust level and they still need to mature enough where they understand what friendship really is.
I just think sometimes I may be expecting to much in the relationships that I have. And the people that I do look up to and could see myself wanting to be what is considered a good friend I beleive they are like me,, A little gaurded and do not want to put themselves out there becaise of the example they are tring to set for others.
Iam active in my church, Iam currently a deacon, And my wife and I lead a small group.
Anyones thoughts?

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Hello,

Well, I'm younger than you, but I can give my thoughts. I believe that friendships/relationships are much like a marriage. I have never been married, but God has given me many things praise be to Him! I believe it should be totally 50/50. Not all give, and not all take. I tend to give too much, and the Lord has shown me, we must be careful about that or we will be used as a ''spare tire'' or a ''door mat''. We don't want to just take either, that will make others feel as if they're being taken advantage of. We need to listen to others, pray for,with,and over them, lift them up, encourage, and inspire them, share Jesus with them. Sometimes people just need an ear to listen,and a shoulder to lean or cry on. Be that Spiritual things, or general life issues.

Talk about whatever comes up,be there when they call on us, and them be there when we need to call upon them. Both parties keep God as the foundation of all things. Forgive,love,accept,everything just the way the Lord does for us. I'm not sure what else to say, but I know what I feel inside....I just can't seem to find the right words to put it here. If you ever need someone, I'm always here. Don't hesitate to find me and talk, or send a mail message, anything. God bless.

Oh spiritual maturity is very important, as well as maturity in every aspect of life. Respect.commitment,dedication, so many things!

 

[Rissa77]

I know what you're talking about. I am not married, however. But I tend to be in the same position you are with friends. Although I have been blessed with 2 friends whom I view as deeper in their walk with God than I am. I broke the "A little guarded and do not want to put themselves out there" by asking them to be my accountability. In turn, they've asked me to be theirs. We NEED this.

Of course, if that doesn't seem to be a possible choice, I would suggest asking a pastor, or asking if your pastor can suggest a person you can be accountable to. I know of a few churches in particular that offer this to each person who becomes saved. They place Christians under stronger Christians to have accountability, discipleship, and deep friendship.

My last suggestion is to try to get someone who is in your town or lives near so you can visit. Unfortunately, my two girls are going for another year of ministry school that we graduated from, and I'm heading to college so there's a divide of 3 hours distance. But close by is definitely an advantage. and since you disciple people, you know the benefits first hand.

My blessings to, my brother.

 

[Stand_Up_4_God]

Oh yeah....I forgot to mention, I've given up/ended many friendships and things because they weren't serious or mature in their walk and relationship with the Lord, they just seemed....I don't know, as if they only went to God when in need, acted fake, different things....I'm one that does their best to be and stay as serious as can be about it. Now I love a good laugh, some jokes, etc. as much as the next person, but there's times in life to be serious.

 

[charisenexcelcis]

It is difficult when you become a role model to find a friend that you can talk to. You worry that your weakness might lead to their downfall, or that it will damage all the good that you do in your walk with God. But it is essential, not only so you don't go stark raving mad, but also so that you can be accountable to someone and that helps you to keep walking the straight and narrow. Keep looking. I will pray for you.

 

[call1home]

It is difficult when you become a role model to find a friend that you can talk to. You worry that your weakness might lead to their downfall, or that it will damage all the good that you do in your walk with God. But it is essential, not only so you don't go stark raving mad, but also so that you can be accountable to someone and that helps you to keep walking the straight and narrow. Keep looking. I will pray for you.

I think this is where Iam at. The role model. It is very hard to find relationships where the other person is at the same spiritual level as you feel you are. Because it makes them more relatable to where you are.
I know someone metioned asking the pastor who that might be for me, well,, actualy he is one of the people that I could see as having as a close friend. I respect him, Ive seen what he has produced in his family (fruit) and I could see learning more from him than just from the pulpit. I do spend time with him, we play golf on accassion, during football season we watch the Monday night games at his house,, But theres something that Iam not sure about. I think he does watch how close he gets to people and he is not going to confine in me. I think he feels that he has to keep everyone at a distance because of his role in the church. I understand that and I think that is needed. I may just be expecting too much. On the other hand that means that you can never truley have a close relationship with those you respect because no one wants there weaknesses seen.
It makes it rather lonely when you have to beleive that you cant let some know that you are only human.

 

[charisenexcelcis]

I think this is where Iam at. The role model. It is very hard to find relationships where the other person is at the same spiritual level as you feel you are. Because it makes them more relatable to where you are.
I know someone metioned asking the pastor who that might be for me, well,, actualy he is one of the people that I could see as having as a close friend. I respect him, Ive seen what he has produced in his family (fruit) and I could see learning more from him than just from the pulpit. I do spend time with him, we play golf on accassion, during football season we watch the Monday night games at his house,, But theres something that Iam not sure about. I think he does watch how close he gets to people and he is not going to confine in me. I think he feels that he has to keep everyone at a distance because of his role in the church. I understand that and I think that is needed. I may just be expecting too much. On the other hand that means that you can never truley have a close relationship with those you respect because no one wants there weaknesses seen.
It makes it rather lonely when you have to beleive that you cant let some know that you are only human.

You may have to take the first step with your pastor. If he sees that you are willing to be a transparent friend to him, he might take a step of faith. One other issue he may have is the issue of favoritism, so you may have to make sure up front that he knows you expect nothing more form him than friendship.
And anytime you start to go crazy, feel free to PM me.

 

[broken]

Unfortionately your going to have to take a risk and make yourself vulnerable to develop that trust. This was hard for me as well. I agree with the pastor thing.One of my good friends is my pastor. It gets a little weird sometimes, but I can trust him to hold me to the business of being a Godly man and genuinely trust eachother - the foundation of a good friendship.

This friend issue is a problem with men. So much so that the Gay community cites David and Jonathan's relationship as gay and therefore justification for their behavior. That's where we are today: that deep meaningful friendship between men is so rare, that american society considers it unnatural. This is a very intentional tactic of our enemy to disarm men and keep them out of the church and from serving. Also, it is not a bad thing that men see some of your vulnerabilities. We are human, we all have em, just as men, we all pretend we don't have them which is disingenuous.

Kent Hughes' Disciplines of a Godly Man has a chapter dedicated to this friendship issue and it is a good read if you have the time. You can pick it up off amazon for very cheap from a used book vendor.

Since you are a leader, keep this friendship need in mind but also apply it to your church as a whole. If other men see you embracing meaningful friendships ,perhaps they will follow suit. I know I just put another weight on you but, as a leader, that's the stuff we often get stuck with.

 

[rexy]

Friendship, a word so often used, but oftenly misused. True friendship is quite rare but if found, should be treasured and well nourished. I can call it taking your brothers whole and making it yours and the opposite. Being a true brothers keeper.

Let God lead these wonderful people of God in CC to lead you to the right direction. I have also made a post on how i feel i need a friend and for sure, I do not know what to expect, I am exhausted and feel I need someone to help me carry my burden, but your post and responces are helping me get out of the selfish friendship where I need others help, their shoulders to lean on, need someone to take me through my hard time and all the desparation you feel when lonely.
God is speaking to us already and I thank God I am able to access this forums. God is watching every step of our way, and he leads us to green pastures (good friends).
Be encouraged and keep on seeking his rightiousness for his glory. I have always said that God is the best planner this earth can ever have, in every community, he has put in place everything that is needed including everything that will be needed in the future. Just like the engineers plan a town setting, he does it best for us and our surroundings.

Blessings and keep up the Wise thoughts.

 

[Kelseybear]

Most of my friends are older then me but I don't mind
there alot more reliable then people my age and are always there
when I really need them.this my be weriod but my best friend
is 45 and has 4kids and no it's noty mom. My besty is Kristin

 

[zeroturbulence]

I think this is where Iam at. The role model. It is very hard to find relationships where the other person is at the same spiritual level as you feel you are. Because it makes them more relatable to where you are.
I know someone metioned asking the pastor who that might be for me, well,, actualy he is one of the people that I could see as having as a close friend. I respect him, Ive seen what he has produced in his family (fruit) and I could see learning more from him than just from the pulpit. I do spend time with him, we play golf on accassion, during football season we watch the Monday night games at his house,, But theres something that Iam not sure about. I think he does watch how close he gets to people and he is not going to confine in me. I think he feels that he has to keep everyone at a distance because of his role in the church. I understand that and I think that is needed. I may just be expecting too much. On the other hand that means that you can never truley have a close relationship with those you respect because no one wants there weaknesses seen.
It makes it rather lonely when you have to beleive that you cant let some know that you are only human.

I think I know what you are talking about. If its what I think it is, I have the same problem. There is no one to turn to when you are struggling with something in your heart that is personal and maybe a bit complicated. I am in the same boat. Unfortunately I do not have any quick answer for you. I have learned to talk to Jesus at times like this. I have a little thing that I do and of course people are going to scoff at it but I humble myself before a picture of Christ that I have in my room then I speak to him about whats troubling me, as though He were in the room listening.

Then I do either one of two things: I either quiet my mind and wait for a thought to come into my head and I am always surprised at the relevance and wisdom that accompanies that thought. It is usually something I had learned from scipture that I had forgotten about. Other times I take one of my books which has scriptures in it (sometimes I use my bible) and I hold it against my heart and I plead with Jesus to please speak to me through the scriptures in that book, then I close my eyes and open the book to a completely random page and then I open my eyes and note the words that my eyes are drawn to. It sounds very cultish but the words I see sometimes give me goosebumps because they are exactly what I needed to hear. In fact it is so effective that it doesnt even surprise me anymore.

Ok I've rambled enough about my quirky practices but honestly it helps soooo much. Jesus is so real to me and not only because of this strange communication but also because of what I've seen God do in my life. I admit that there were times when I was so angry at God that I denounced my faith and cursed him (please forgive me for mentioning that, Lord), but I always came back and my faith has become more of a bond than a faith so now I feel Jesus is not just my God but also my very real friend and confidant when my heart is troubled.

I hope that maybe this can help you somehow and maybe you will be able to feel what I feel when I profess my troubles to the Lord.

 

[Ellie]

I was just wondering about something for several weeks now and wanted to get some feedback on the topic of friendships and what we are to expect from them.
I am 50 years old, I know that sounds old but I dont feel or act like it. But anyway, It seems to me that most of the relationships I have are usauly the type that Iam more of the person that the other guy looks to to set the example and walk the strait and narrow, if you know what I mean. I do most of the listening and ask most of the questions about them and there life. Almost like a therapist you could say. And thats OK thats part of who I am. But I do not feel that I have that person in my life. Someone that I can talk to about what is going on with me and maybe something Iam struggeling with or heck just want to talk about. I have my wife and beleive me she is more than I deserve, But thats a little different and is not what Iam looking for here.
Its that person that is more spirtual than me and someone that I can look up for guidence in my adult life. You probably know how it is with what we call friends. We use that word so loosely. The people I was talking about eaalier I would not talk to them about the deeper part of who Iam. There just not that trust level and they still need to mature enough where they understand what friendship really is.
I just think sometimes I may be expecting to much in the relationships that I have. And the people that I do look up to and could see myself wanting to be what is considered a good friend I beleive they are like me,, A little gaurded and do not want to put themselves out there becaise of the example they are tring to set for others.
Iam active in my church, Iam currently a deacon, And my wife and I lead a small group.
Anyones thoughts?

I can relate. Finding like-minded people to share life with and mentors to share your heart with and turn to for advice can be rough. There's just only so much I can do to make it happen, because at the end of the day, I can't cause"those" people to appear out of thin air- where are they? WHERE are they?? Gr.

To tell you the truth, I have, now that I think of it, seen God slowly changing this dynamic in my world. Very. Very. Slowly. *sigh

I guess I just have to roll with the season. There's always something about each season you will miss when it passes, even if you can't see it yet, and something you have now you once felt frustrated about missing, even if you failed to recognise its arival.

I don't know that I have anything helpful to say. I just wanted to express that I understand.

Love

 

[zeroturbulence]

By the way it is an honor to have you on here, and I'd like you to know that you can PM me if you have anything you'd like to talk about. I promise to be discreet and I don't judge. I'm not a deacon or anything. I'm just a former agnostic who has found Jesus and has some basic knowledge of scripture, both old testament and new. I will be more than happy to hear your thoughts and offer you a fresh persepective whenever possible. God bless you.

Gabriel

 

[zeroturbulence]

Most of my friends are older then me but I don't mind
there alot more reliable then people my age and are always there
when I really need them.this my be weriod but my best friend
is 45 and has 4kids and no it's noty mom. My besty is Kristin

That is really cool. You must be very mature for your age...and thats a good thing!

 

[Kelseybear]

That is really cool. You must be very mature for your age...and thats a good thing!

Thank you and I am told that all the time

 

[call1home]

One thing that Iam noticing here is that this is just a widespread thing and Thats a shame. It just shouldnt be that hard to just find a few Godly people that you can connect too. I know that there are people on this site that fit that discription, but its not exactly the same as having someone in you r own circle of friends. Dont misunderstand me when I say that but I think you get my drift.
I dont even think that I have EVER had a friend that is even close to what Iam talking about here. Now again dont get me wrong Iam not sitting in a dark room somewhere with a big bowl of ice cream wearing 4 day old clothes, unshaven, and smelly hehehehe Its not like that. I have guys that I talk to on a regular bases but again they are people that have been in my small groups and church. I dont look at any of them as a mentor. I guess if I went to a shrink he would say it was because my father was not a strong role model and it screwd me up for life. Iam 50 now so give that a rest.
And I also want to mention here that God has truely blessed me with a wonderful Godly Wife & daughter, and in many other ways, so beleive me when I say that Iam very Thankful. This is just a area of my life that Iam working on.
Thanks all who are sharing.

 

[luzemilia]

you're right, if we were looking for friends definitely this is not the place, according with our idea of what a friend is... it couldn't be!!! God is the only one who we can confide in without seeing him... but humans... no way!!! but it's a reality that finding a friend it is not easy when you start knowing what God means in your life, when your faith is getting strong every day, then our idea of what a friend is, changes... with all respect to them who lead, they can't be friends of those who follow, if there's something wrong or if you make a mistake...they can't avoid judging or give an advice as leaders it's on their nature...sometimes you are not feeling ok, you can't avoid thinking as a human, it is weird, but sometimes you only need to be heard, or just accompanied, or there're times when you just want to tell a joke and need someone to laugh... and it's not 'cause you are lonely, it's not 'cause you're single or married, or if you're not happy or sad, or broke or successful...it's more than that!... just having a time to share, to talk, to argue, to laugh, to be understood, to understand, to help, to be helped, to learn, to teach, to enjoy, blablabla... to find that here is too difficult but not impossible...do not be disappointed...it is always a pleasure to know different points of view...do not forget...we're always learning, and we are not role models of anyone, the only one who is the real role model is Jesus Christ...we're just humans we make mistakes, we're learning... do not follow our steps, follow Jesus...
by the way... i'm 41, i'm very very very blessed and happy in almost all the areas of my life, i do not have a husband (i'm divorced), and i do not have close friends but i have not lost faith...still looking and waiting!!!
God blesses you!!!