I just went thru a rough divorce . Things could not be repaired because of infidelity on his part. Yet he wanted me to pay him spousal support. At first I was very furious. I knew it would cost alot of money to have to fight him in court etc. Long story short, when I gave it all to God and did not give into what pushed my buttons, God moved. It was hard, but sometimes rather you're right or wrong we still have to give it to God and move forward. Get closer to God and you will see him move on your behalf. May not be what you thought you needed,but in the end will give you the peace to move forward. Other wise might make you bitter and recentful.
frustrated........
- Thread starter Yaj1979
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I definitely don't think that you should abandon the marriage (partly because of Matthew 5:32, but there are many other reasons as well). However, it looks like it's time to get a pastor involved, if you can find a good one. Preferably some one who can meet in person. Definitely a man, though if he has a good wife who would be willing to talk to your wife, great. Even if your wife doesn't want to talk yet, tell the pastor what happened. Definitely confess what you did wrong, including the texting relationship, the fact that you hid from her how you gave some money to your family, etc. "Working on the marriage" sometimes means stepping back and asking a third party for help.
A friend and I just prayed for your family. All the best to each of you.
A friend and I just prayed for your family. All the best to each of you.
There's likely more going on in this situation than what little you have related here to us.
But women are a little strange in some ways. They don't always address problems head on like us men do. And we try to address what issues they claim to have and then we find out that it never mattered...and like the title of your thread...we men get frustrated.
However....
I can tell that in a lot of ways you are a kind and giving person to start with. And that has gotten you in trouble with your wife. That loan you took out to help your family is a symptom of her larger issues with you.
Because you didn't get her input on it...that was a massive breach of trust. Almost equal to you having some sort of tawdry affair. I know that it doesn't equate in your mind but to her it does.
She doesn't trust you or your family.
That's the problem in a nutshell.
And I get it.
But you are having issues with boundaries. She doesn't believe that you are going to put her and your children first over and above your family. That they somehow come in second place to everyone and everything out there in your life. They feel discounted by you.
And that's a lot of ground to cover.
It's not impossible...but it is a far piece to travel.
She might not forgive you for your breach of fidelity.
In the meantime...you got children who need their father. You need to make sure that they feel like a top priority in your life. Your feelings are not relevant...THEIR feelings are relevant. These aren't strangers...so I know that you can do this. But if you can do that...it will actually do more to repair the problem with your wife than anything else you try to say to her.
But women are a little strange in some ways. They don't always address problems head on like us men do. And we try to address what issues they claim to have and then we find out that it never mattered...and like the title of your thread...we men get frustrated.
However....
I can tell that in a lot of ways you are a kind and giving person to start with. And that has gotten you in trouble with your wife. That loan you took out to help your family is a symptom of her larger issues with you.
Because you didn't get her input on it...that was a massive breach of trust. Almost equal to you having some sort of tawdry affair. I know that it doesn't equate in your mind but to her it does.
She doesn't trust you or your family.
That's the problem in a nutshell.
And I get it.
But you are having issues with boundaries. She doesn't believe that you are going to put her and your children first over and above your family. That they somehow come in second place to everyone and everything out there in your life. They feel discounted by you.
And that's a lot of ground to cover.
It's not impossible...but it is a far piece to travel.
She might not forgive you for your breach of fidelity.
In the meantime...you got children who need their father. You need to make sure that they feel like a top priority in your life. Your feelings are not relevant...THEIR feelings are relevant. These aren't strangers...so I know that you can do this. But if you can do that...it will actually do more to repair the problem with your wife than anything else you try to say to her.
This post goes very well with the end of JohnDB's post, which I read after I had typed mine up earlier today. I hope you give it a try. Your children need their dad in their lives regardless of the decisions other adults make.
It would probably be good to send letters to your wife and children rather than phoning or texting. If the children are too young to read, perhaps you can send a voice message. Buy two copies of a children's Bible, and read the stories to them in audio clips. Give them one copy of the book so they can look at the pictures while they listen to you read. This would probably be a good idea even if you get to see them each day. They can have a bedtime story with their dad, hopefully grow their faith, and it would let your wife know that you were willing to spend energy doing something that was good for the whole family, instead of trying to get her back the easiest way possible.
It would probably be good to send letters to your wife and children rather than phoning or texting. If the children are too young to read, perhaps you can send a voice message. Buy two copies of a children's Bible, and read the stories to them in audio clips. Give them one copy of the book so they can look at the pictures while they listen to you read. This would probably be a good idea even if you get to see them each day. They can have a bedtime story with their dad, hopefully grow their faith, and it would let your wife know that you were willing to spend energy doing something that was good for the whole family, instead of trying to get her back the easiest way possible.
Yes, I have. It sounds like she may have found someone else. I know that may be hard to hear, but the fact that she is unwilling to talk is a telltale sign.
She may already be at the point where she even wants to marry this person, but the guilt is too much for her. So, can this happen to a couple who are both born-again believers?
The answer is yes, it can. It happened to my family.
My wife came to me out of the blue saying she wanted a divorce. I suspected she was seeing someone in secret and this was another sign. I found out from my then four-year-old son that my best friend, whom we went to church with regularly, was having an affair with my wife. He informed me that they were going to get married and that I was going to be the babysitter.
I say this with all the love I can muster in my heart:
You need to wake up, brother, and snap out of your coma. If your marriage is salvageable at all, you need to confront her directly and ask these questions:
1. Are you seeing someone else?
2. If so, have you fallen in love with them?
3. Do you still love me?
4. If not, are you willing to stay together for the sake of the children?
It will be hard, but you have to be direct and honest. Let her know that even if she is seeing someone else, you will ask God for the strength to forgive her. Hopefully, she will be honest enough to let you know if it's over.
Make no mistake, Satan is behind every divorce. If your marriage ends in divorce, this is how he will attack you:
1. Anger, plain and simple (It never really goes away, you just learn to manage it)
2. Shame (People everywhere, including within your church, will ALWAYS blame YOU for the divorce. You can, in turn, blame the news media for that one).
3. Depression (The anxiety of a marriage ending is unfathomable. You don't really know what it's like until you experience it. It will start as anxiety and move into depression).
4. Loneliness (There's nothing lonelier than a man whose wife has left him. It does not matter if it's her fault or yours. I guarantee, you will be abandoned, even by your church).
5. Apathy from others (Owning a divorce is a lot like owning a business. No one cares about it as much as you).
6. Child support (20 percent for the first child and about 10 percent for every child thereafter. It comes out of your gross income before taxes. If you work as an employee for someone else, plan on having your wages garnished, even if you have never missed a payment before your court date. Yes, she will sue you for it, make no mistake. Child support is meant to be punitive, so if you complain, you are a terrible person).
7. Possible foreclosure (After almost six years of divorce, we are still fighting over the house. She has recently sued me a second time).
8. Suffering children (Run, don't walk from anyone who tells you, "Ah, they'll get over it." Our children are the real victims of divorce. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise).
If you do find yourself on this spiritual battlefield alone, I would like to help. I know what it's like to be completely alone and abandoned by the church during a divorce. I'm telling you now, you will get pummeled, but I can help you get through it.
Feel free to reply or PM me anytime.
She may already be at the point where she even wants to marry this person, but the guilt is too much for her. So, can this happen to a couple who are both born-again believers?
The answer is yes, it can. It happened to my family.
My wife came to me out of the blue saying she wanted a divorce. I suspected she was seeing someone in secret and this was another sign. I found out from my then four-year-old son that my best friend, whom we went to church with regularly, was having an affair with my wife. He informed me that they were going to get married and that I was going to be the babysitter.
I say this with all the love I can muster in my heart:
You need to wake up, brother, and snap out of your coma. If your marriage is salvageable at all, you need to confront her directly and ask these questions:
1. Are you seeing someone else?
2. If so, have you fallen in love with them?
3. Do you still love me?
4. If not, are you willing to stay together for the sake of the children?
It will be hard, but you have to be direct and honest. Let her know that even if she is seeing someone else, you will ask God for the strength to forgive her. Hopefully, she will be honest enough to let you know if it's over.
Make no mistake, Satan is behind every divorce. If your marriage ends in divorce, this is how he will attack you:
1. Anger, plain and simple (It never really goes away, you just learn to manage it)
2. Shame (People everywhere, including within your church, will ALWAYS blame YOU for the divorce. You can, in turn, blame the news media for that one).
3. Depression (The anxiety of a marriage ending is unfathomable. You don't really know what it's like until you experience it. It will start as anxiety and move into depression).
4. Loneliness (There's nothing lonelier than a man whose wife has left him. It does not matter if it's her fault or yours. I guarantee, you will be abandoned, even by your church).
5. Apathy from others (Owning a divorce is a lot like owning a business. No one cares about it as much as you).
6. Child support (20 percent for the first child and about 10 percent for every child thereafter. It comes out of your gross income before taxes. If you work as an employee for someone else, plan on having your wages garnished, even if you have never missed a payment before your court date. Yes, she will sue you for it, make no mistake. Child support is meant to be punitive, so if you complain, you are a terrible person).
7. Possible foreclosure (After almost six years of divorce, we are still fighting over the house. She has recently sued me a second time).
8. Suffering children (Run, don't walk from anyone who tells you, "Ah, they'll get over it." Our children are the real victims of divorce. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise).
If you do find yourself on this spiritual battlefield alone, I would like to help. I know what it's like to be completely alone and abandoned by the church during a divorce. I'm telling you now, you will get pummeled, but I can help you get through it.
Feel free to reply or PM me anytime.