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K
It sounds like you both have emotional issues and need separate counseling and intense counseling. My advice would be to stay in counseling, a year is not much if you have deep seated issues which you both do. Change counselors if you feel that you arent getting the help you need.You said you're Christians,start surrounding yourselves with couples that are mature Christians that will be there to pray with you and talk with you. I dont know what issue cause you to cheat and your husband may have forgiven you but its not easy to trust again once trust is broken. Its one thing to say it but if there is emotional and verbal abuse something is still there and standing in the way,for both of you. You need to find the answer to what brought you both to the point you are at now. You both ran it in the ditch and Im guessing it took more than a year to do so. So its going to take more than a year to undo the damage you've both caused each other. You say "when is enough enough"? When you can walk away saying you have tried every avenue,you have both given it your all and you have solved the issues you have between you and you can part without anger and animosity. Because if you dont you will carry the same burden into the next relationship you have. Just remember this,the grass is always greener on the other side because its fertilized with poo. Each relationship has its own issues, walking away seems like an easy fix,you'll find its not as simple as that.
Sometimes separation heals, healing rom affairs takes time also. His healing from the hurt of being cheated for him takes time. The spouse that is guilty of cheating has to allow the other person their time to heal. About him taking his meds it could be that he is tired of feeling like a emotionless person zonked out all the time. Maybe praying for God to heal that. Divorce is not the answer because two people are not walking in agreement but walking in agreement with God as a family is.
P
Forgive me in advance for "dissecting" your statement, but there are multiple issues here which need to be addressed.
Biblically speaking your husband, if he so chose, could divorce you legitimately. You, on the other hand, would not be free to marry again. That is not to say God would condemn you if you did, but, if this...
...is sincere, and your walk with the Lord is important, then you have to understand that the Lord's will for you is to stay married. The above statement would be akin to saying "I am willing to violate the will of God to have the peace He has called me to."
Relational priorities can make this situation better. Put God first, then your husband. If your relationship with God is strained, then all relationships will be strained, and there will be an internal struggle that will compound the problems of daily life.
So you do well to seek Christian and Biblical advice, so I commend you for your efforts and honesty in the situation. None of us can understand exactly what you are going through, and I don't think anyone would excuse your husband's behavior and lay everything on you. I'm sure that's not helping. And while we can sympathize for the man, having apparently experienced something traumatic, unfortunately, this makes it more difficult for you.
So I would recommend that, for the time, you immerse yourself into God and seek that umbrella of healing which only He can provide. One of the ways of communion with God is through study of His Word. He can change your heart as He reveals His will to you, and based on your admission of depression...it sounds like perhaps you need to understand that you can be forgiven in truth, by God, and by your husband. God needs no help from you in finding forgiveness, He did that through Christ, understanding our weaknesses. Your husband, and you, on the other hand, may need a little help.
And I will continue this to disguise my "dissecting" of your statement.
Continued...
Biblically speaking your husband, if he so chose, could divorce you legitimately. You, on the other hand, would not be free to marry again. That is not to say God would condemn you if you did, but, if this...
...is sincere, and your walk with the Lord is important, then you have to understand that the Lord's will for you is to stay married. The above statement would be akin to saying "I am willing to violate the will of God to have the peace He has called me to."
Relational priorities can make this situation better. Put God first, then your husband. If your relationship with God is strained, then all relationships will be strained, and there will be an internal struggle that will compound the problems of daily life.
So you do well to seek Christian and Biblical advice, so I commend you for your efforts and honesty in the situation. None of us can understand exactly what you are going through, and I don't think anyone would excuse your husband's behavior and lay everything on you. I'm sure that's not helping. And while we can sympathize for the man, having apparently experienced something traumatic, unfortunately, this makes it more difficult for you.
So I would recommend that, for the time, you immerse yourself into God and seek that umbrella of healing which only He can provide. One of the ways of communion with God is through study of His Word. He can change your heart as He reveals His will to you, and based on your admission of depression...it sounds like perhaps you need to understand that you can be forgiven in truth, by God, and by your husband. God needs no help from you in finding forgiveness, He did that through Christ, understanding our weaknesses. Your husband, and you, on the other hand, may need a little help.
And I will continue this to disguise my "dissecting" of your statement.
Continued...
P
You can stop the fights. Really.
Understand that those who want to fight...want to fight. It is a symptom of an underlying issue, and he being a combat veteran...is understandable. That doesn't mean it justifies his behavior, but, on your part, as a wife, he is going to be looking to you for understanding of the emotional combat he is at this time engaged in. And you have two choices, place your own feelings aside long enough to generate compassion for him, and in doing so, you can provide healing that meds cannot effect. Medications oftentimes only medicate the problems, rather than healing them.
You, on the other hand...are a balm he is desperately in need of.
There is nothing quite so healing as the love and devotion of a wife. My own wife is my sanctuary in this fallen world. Just knowing she loves me, despite my many faults, is a foundation of stability in my life.
You two are faced with some serious issues, that is true, but they are not insurmountable. You need to understand that from a Biblical perspective, you have an obligation before God to be in submission to your husband. This doesn't mean you are obligated to endure physical violence, but, emotional violence is a far worse battleground, and leaves deeper scars than any physical weapon of war could ever inflict. And you have the power to leave that battleground, and hopefully...lead your husband out as well.
It is as simple as biting your tongue. It is as simple of responding to anger with love.
It's going to take a lot on your part, but, at the very least, you can do what Scripture would counsel you to do, and in so doing, you will find the peace God has called you to.
When I was younger I was prescribed psych meds, and when I took them life was a little fuzzy. I was fearful much of the time. I ended moving out of state to live with a friend, and while there, the meds ran out. My head cleared up, I went home, and have never taken drugs since. Now I am not saying that people should stop taking drugs they have been prescribed, so don't get me wrong. What I am saying is that if your husband refuses to take them, then learn to interact with him like that. It might be difficult for you to show love at this time, but, you can start with simple compassion. If there is anyone in your life that deserves that, it is your husband. Decide not to argue. Ask yourself if giving him some space to vent his emotional stress is something you can't do.
I think you can.
Sometimes all it takes to defuse a bad situation is simply not saying anything at all. And if you can actually respond with compassion, all the better.
Continued...
Understand that those who want to fight...want to fight. It is a symptom of an underlying issue, and he being a combat veteran...is understandable. That doesn't mean it justifies his behavior, but, on your part, as a wife, he is going to be looking to you for understanding of the emotional combat he is at this time engaged in. And you have two choices, place your own feelings aside long enough to generate compassion for him, and in doing so, you can provide healing that meds cannot effect. Medications oftentimes only medicate the problems, rather than healing them.
You, on the other hand...are a balm he is desperately in need of.
There is nothing quite so healing as the love and devotion of a wife. My own wife is my sanctuary in this fallen world. Just knowing she loves me, despite my many faults, is a foundation of stability in my life.
You two are faced with some serious issues, that is true, but they are not insurmountable. You need to understand that from a Biblical perspective, you have an obligation before God to be in submission to your husband. This doesn't mean you are obligated to endure physical violence, but, emotional violence is a far worse battleground, and leaves deeper scars than any physical weapon of war could ever inflict. And you have the power to leave that battleground, and hopefully...lead your husband out as well.
It is as simple as biting your tongue. It is as simple of responding to anger with love.
It's going to take a lot on your part, but, at the very least, you can do what Scripture would counsel you to do, and in so doing, you will find the peace God has called you to.
When I was younger I was prescribed psych meds, and when I took them life was a little fuzzy. I was fearful much of the time. I ended moving out of state to live with a friend, and while there, the meds ran out. My head cleared up, I went home, and have never taken drugs since. Now I am not saying that people should stop taking drugs they have been prescribed, so don't get me wrong. What I am saying is that if your husband refuses to take them, then learn to interact with him like that. It might be difficult for you to show love at this time, but, you can start with simple compassion. If there is anyone in your life that deserves that, it is your husband. Decide not to argue. Ask yourself if giving him some space to vent his emotional stress is something you can't do.
I think you can.
Sometimes all it takes to defuse a bad situation is simply not saying anything at all. And if you can actually respond with compassion, all the better.
Continued...
P
Listen, most of us get depressed, it's just an aspect of life in a fallen world. Some of us may be more sensitive, and dealing with it can be tough sometimes.
But can I ask you something? Is your depression only about your relationship with your husband? Or are you harboring guilt from your affair? Have you come to the place where you honestly understand what you did was wrong? Or are you perhaps doing what I suspect your husband is doing...saying one thing while the opposite is the reality internally.
As I said before, God will forgive you, providing you have repented of that sin and sought cleansing. However, even if you have done that, have you forgiven yourself? Until you do, it may be that there is an internal conflict which may result in relational conflict with others, beginning with God, then in respect to your husband.
Your husband may be consumed with guilt himself. It may be he did some things while in combat that he himself does not feel he can be forgiven for. In regards to Soldiers and the job they do, a Biblical understanding could very well help him.
In regards to the adultery, you need to allow that while he may have said he forgives you, he may still be dealing with that, and has not, in truth, reached the point where he has fully forgiven. We can't read hearts, but, we can read the Word of God and learn discernment, and in doing so, commit to efforts which are godly and help those in need of restoration.
So you say you have come out of depression, I would just have you ask yourself...is that true? Are you out of it? Further, I would ask you to examine the cause for the depression, so that you might learn to deal with those issues. Again, God has already provided forgiveness for your sin, and He did that by dying on the Cross. There is nothing you have ever done, or will ever do...that He was not aware of when He saved you. God's forgiveness is not like our own, where oftentimes we give lip service, and profess to forgive, but then our actions betray our hearts. It is complete, and, for those things we transgress in, there is cleansing.
But we have to seek out God for that cleansing and healing. It is there for us, but we have to approach unto God in repentance and recognition of areas we need help in.
So I would recommend you examine your own heart, and see if you have allowed God to minister to your needs. Again, we have to maintain relational priorities, and if our relationship with God is distant, then that will impact our relationships with everyone else...even our with ourselves.
Continued...
But can I ask you something? Is your depression only about your relationship with your husband? Or are you harboring guilt from your affair? Have you come to the place where you honestly understand what you did was wrong? Or are you perhaps doing what I suspect your husband is doing...saying one thing while the opposite is the reality internally.
As I said before, God will forgive you, providing you have repented of that sin and sought cleansing. However, even if you have done that, have you forgiven yourself? Until you do, it may be that there is an internal conflict which may result in relational conflict with others, beginning with God, then in respect to your husband.
Your husband may be consumed with guilt himself. It may be he did some things while in combat that he himself does not feel he can be forgiven for. In regards to Soldiers and the job they do, a Biblical understanding could very well help him.
In regards to the adultery, you need to allow that while he may have said he forgives you, he may still be dealing with that, and has not, in truth, reached the point where he has fully forgiven. We can't read hearts, but, we can read the Word of God and learn discernment, and in doing so, commit to efforts which are godly and help those in need of restoration.
So you say you have come out of depression, I would just have you ask yourself...is that true? Are you out of it? Further, I would ask you to examine the cause for the depression, so that you might learn to deal with those issues. Again, God has already provided forgiveness for your sin, and He did that by dying on the Cross. There is nothing you have ever done, or will ever do...that He was not aware of when He saved you. God's forgiveness is not like our own, where oftentimes we give lip service, and profess to forgive, but then our actions betray our hearts. It is complete, and, for those things we transgress in, there is cleansing.
But we have to seek out God for that cleansing and healing. It is there for us, but we have to approach unto God in repentance and recognition of areas we need help in.
So I would recommend you examine your own heart, and see if you have allowed God to minister to your needs. Again, we have to maintain relational priorities, and if our relationship with God is distant, then that will impact our relationships with everyone else...even our with ourselves.
Continued...
P
That is never the case in a marriage.
Most people enter into marriage under the assumption that they have found the "right one." The reality of marriage is that it is a matter of being the right one, not finding them.
There are no "Matches made in Heaven," they are made right here on terra firma. Marriage is work. Most spouses will try to train their spouse to be the right one, and that does not correlate to Biblical principles. Christianity is based on putting others first, not creating a comfortable kingdom that accommodates our own desires.
This is the very reason Christ died for us. Consider the following passage:
Philippians 2King James Version (KJV)
1 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies,
[SUP]2 [/SUP]Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
[SUP]3 [/SUP]Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
[SUP]4 [/SUP]Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
That is Christianity, sister.
And here is the foundation of Christianity:
[SUP]5 [/SUP]Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
[SUP]6 [/SUP]Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:
[SUP]7 [/SUP]But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
[SUP]8 [/SUP]And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
What Paul is teaching is that we are to place the needs of others before our own, following the very example of the Son of God, Who loved us enough to step outside of Eternity and die for us.
Easier said than done, right? We both know that. But, have you put in some effort in trying to understand your husband? And you don't need to answer. I am not asking these questions to effect guilt, just some self examination. Can you understand how one might be traumatized by combat, and adultery? My hat is off to your husband for even saying he forgives you, even if he has not actually made that sincere in his heart yet. But...it can become sincere. You guys can work through these things, but it will take quite a bit of effort on your part. Your posting seems to indicate you want out, but your heart is in conflict with a knowledge that divorce is questionable. I think you know that divorce is not justified on your part, right? That is likely the Lord speaking to you, sister. As long as your husband is not willing to put you away, and wants to remain with you, then there are no grounds for divorce. Now it's time for you to consider whether your marriage is irreparable, and it is just my belief that it is not.
Marriage isn't easy, and we can make mistakes sometimes we regret to the depths of our being, but, that doesn't mean we can walk away from our responsibilities before God. You have the power to bring healing to your marriage, and I am confident that if you put the necessary effort into it, in obedience to God's will, however it turns out, God will bless you for that obedience. But it is not our decision, and never is...to divorce. It is not God's will that any divorce. There are extenuating circumstances that make it a necessity sometimes, but I am not seeing that in what you have shared. At this point, as hard as it may sound, you are still obligated to this marriage.
So another question (and again, no need to respond publicly): why did you marry this fellow to begin with? What was it in him that made you decide you wanted to be married?
Can you look back and tap into those feelings you once had? And what changed those feelings? His behavior? Your behavior? I don't ask to ascribe guilt, just want you to examine this matter on a basis in which all relevant elements are included. When we get angry and hurt, we can suppress some details that need to be considered.
So just think back to that time when perhaps you adored this man. Doesn't matter the reason. Most of us are usually physically motivated in choosing our spouses (and I don't see that as shallow, just natural), but usually there are other qualities involved as well. Your husband has experienced a life shaking event, apparently, and you are the most likely source for him to overcome this emotional trauma. But if both of you are suffering PTS, that complicates matters.
So, have you repented? Have you forgiven yourself? Do you understand that it is possible for even Christians to fall into sin, but, that those sins were known to God...before He saved you? They did not stop Him from saving you, and only you can stop Him from bestowing peace in your heart.
Continued...
Most people enter into marriage under the assumption that they have found the "right one." The reality of marriage is that it is a matter of being the right one, not finding them.
There are no "Matches made in Heaven," they are made right here on terra firma. Marriage is work. Most spouses will try to train their spouse to be the right one, and that does not correlate to Biblical principles. Christianity is based on putting others first, not creating a comfortable kingdom that accommodates our own desires.
This is the very reason Christ died for us. Consider the following passage:
Philippians 2King James Version (KJV)
1 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies,
[SUP]2 [/SUP]Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
[SUP]3 [/SUP]Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
[SUP]4 [/SUP]Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.
That is Christianity, sister.
And here is the foundation of Christianity:
[SUP]5 [/SUP]Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
[SUP]6 [/SUP]Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:
[SUP]7 [/SUP]But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:
[SUP]8 [/SUP]And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.
What Paul is teaching is that we are to place the needs of others before our own, following the very example of the Son of God, Who loved us enough to step outside of Eternity and die for us.
Easier said than done, right? We both know that. But, have you put in some effort in trying to understand your husband? And you don't need to answer. I am not asking these questions to effect guilt, just some self examination. Can you understand how one might be traumatized by combat, and adultery? My hat is off to your husband for even saying he forgives you, even if he has not actually made that sincere in his heart yet. But...it can become sincere. You guys can work through these things, but it will take quite a bit of effort on your part. Your posting seems to indicate you want out, but your heart is in conflict with a knowledge that divorce is questionable. I think you know that divorce is not justified on your part, right? That is likely the Lord speaking to you, sister. As long as your husband is not willing to put you away, and wants to remain with you, then there are no grounds for divorce. Now it's time for you to consider whether your marriage is irreparable, and it is just my belief that it is not.
Marriage isn't easy, and we can make mistakes sometimes we regret to the depths of our being, but, that doesn't mean we can walk away from our responsibilities before God. You have the power to bring healing to your marriage, and I am confident that if you put the necessary effort into it, in obedience to God's will, however it turns out, God will bless you for that obedience. But it is not our decision, and never is...to divorce. It is not God's will that any divorce. There are extenuating circumstances that make it a necessity sometimes, but I am not seeing that in what you have shared. At this point, as hard as it may sound, you are still obligated to this marriage.
So another question (and again, no need to respond publicly): why did you marry this fellow to begin with? What was it in him that made you decide you wanted to be married?
Can you look back and tap into those feelings you once had? And what changed those feelings? His behavior? Your behavior? I don't ask to ascribe guilt, just want you to examine this matter on a basis in which all relevant elements are included. When we get angry and hurt, we can suppress some details that need to be considered.
So just think back to that time when perhaps you adored this man. Doesn't matter the reason. Most of us are usually physically motivated in choosing our spouses (and I don't see that as shallow, just natural), but usually there are other qualities involved as well. Your husband has experienced a life shaking event, apparently, and you are the most likely source for him to overcome this emotional trauma. But if both of you are suffering PTS, that complicates matters.
So, have you repented? Have you forgiven yourself? Do you understand that it is possible for even Christians to fall into sin, but, that those sins were known to God...before He saved you? They did not stop Him from saving you, and only you can stop Him from bestowing peace in your heart.
Continued...
P
You state this is due to the fighting in another post, and I can understand how fighting can lead to separation and lack of desire for physical intimacy. But, we are commanded not to defraud our spouses:
1 Corinthians 7
King James Version (KJV)
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
[SUP]2 [/SUP]Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
[SUP]3 [/SUP]Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
[SUP]4 [/SUP]The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
[SUP]5 [/SUP]Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
The point Paul makes clear in his teaching here is that the lusts that arise due to the way God has created us (with a need for a spouse and intimate relationship) when we lack a spouse (with whom is the only justifiable means of intimacy) can lead to sin. He states "To avoid fornication...get married. And when you are married, don't create the circumstances which is a prime reason you were married in the first place."
Neither of you have the right to decide you will defraud the other. And while it is understandable that lack of desire ceases in the midst of emotional combat, Paul tells us what can happen when we defraud our spouses...temptation.
Again, there are extenuating circumstances in which we might see a good reason for intimacy to cease, but, I don't see what is happening in your marriage as a decided situation that makes defrauding a matter of personal choice. And you have to keep in mind that men, for the most part, think differently about intimacy than women. For some of us, that intimacy is a sign of acceptance and love, and while that may seem shallow, that is just how some of us view it. If intimacy is restrained, that can be seen as rejection. And in this situation, seeing that there has been adultery, it may be that your husband's ego has taken a serious hit, and further restraint of intimacy only validates that in his mind.
You have to keep in mind some of us (men) are a little childish in those matters, lol.
Paul goes on to say...
[SUP]6 [/SUP]But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
...which some take to mean that Paul is not here making an inspired statement of teaching, but, I would remind those who do that Paul is a Bible writer, and his teachings are inspired, and if we take this to mean we have an option to defraud we dismantle the entire point of his teaching here. The bottom line is that it is better to be married than to burn with luist, and marriage is the God-prescribed method of avoiding sin and temptation to sin.
Continued...
1 Corinthians 7
King James Version (KJV)
1 Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
[SUP]2 [/SUP]Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
[SUP]3 [/SUP]Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
[SUP]4 [/SUP]The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
[SUP]5 [/SUP]Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
The point Paul makes clear in his teaching here is that the lusts that arise due to the way God has created us (with a need for a spouse and intimate relationship) when we lack a spouse (with whom is the only justifiable means of intimacy) can lead to sin. He states "To avoid fornication...get married. And when you are married, don't create the circumstances which is a prime reason you were married in the first place."
Neither of you have the right to decide you will defraud the other. And while it is understandable that lack of desire ceases in the midst of emotional combat, Paul tells us what can happen when we defraud our spouses...temptation.
Again, there are extenuating circumstances in which we might see a good reason for intimacy to cease, but, I don't see what is happening in your marriage as a decided situation that makes defrauding a matter of personal choice. And you have to keep in mind that men, for the most part, think differently about intimacy than women. For some of us, that intimacy is a sign of acceptance and love, and while that may seem shallow, that is just how some of us view it. If intimacy is restrained, that can be seen as rejection. And in this situation, seeing that there has been adultery, it may be that your husband's ego has taken a serious hit, and further restraint of intimacy only validates that in his mind.
You have to keep in mind some of us (men) are a little childish in those matters, lol.
Paul goes on to say...
[SUP]6 [/SUP]But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
...which some take to mean that Paul is not here making an inspired statement of teaching, but, I would remind those who do that Paul is a Bible writer, and his teachings are inspired, and if we take this to mean we have an option to defraud we dismantle the entire point of his teaching here. The bottom line is that it is better to be married than to burn with luist, and marriage is the God-prescribed method of avoiding sin and temptation to sin.
Continued...
P
Do you mind if I ask what kind of Counselor you have gone to? Was it a Christian Counselor, or a secular counselor provided by the military?
And I hope this doesn't sound harsh (because my hope is for you guys to be reconciled and enjoy a great marriage), but do you understand your own culpability in the stress and unhappiness? And I am not speaking of just the adultery, that is done, it's over with...right? If it is, then that should not be a matter that has to continually impact your marriage and create stress and unhappiness.
It is not going to be until you truly seek to reconcile that you can throw up your hands and say "There is nothing I can do."
There is something you can do, and it is a matter of whether you will be obedient to your responsibility to God. If that fails, then perhaps you take a different tact. But for now, I would encourage you to first concentrate on your relationship with God, secondly find it in your heart to seek forgiveness (and I mean for yourself, your husband, and from God, yourself, and your husband), and to attempt to have compassion for your husband as he faces these battles.
God can heal this situation, but, you have to truly want that. It is easy to quit, but, you can't expect God to be happy with that decision. And my advice is based on what you have said, so, if there are circumstances you have not shared publicly (and I don't suggest you do that here), it might be best for you to go to the Women's private board and discuss that with godly women who may have gone through similar circumstances and have overcome through Christ.
Again, none of us can truly know your heart or what you are going through, and I don't think anyone would want to give up on you, or condemn you for how things have worked out in your marriage at this point. The question is, do you? One member pointed out that we should not dwell on the past, that is good advice. We are all going to sin, sister, but we don't give up because of that, we keep in mind that on an eternal basis we have been redeemed by One Who was willing to die for those sins. And if we can learn the Mind of Christ and employ that in our relationships with those we come into contact with, then we can be assured that God will bless us in our efforts.
Only after every attempt to fulfill the will of God in our lives has failed.
For now, you are obligated to remain married, and I can only suggest that you try to understand that God wants your marriage to work. That is just my opinion based on what you have shared, and based on my understanding of Scripture.
And sorry for the length, but I felt that thee were issues that needed to be addressed individually.
I pray God's peace for you and in your marriage, and that you and your husband will be healed from the wounds this world has inflicted.
God bless.
And I hope this doesn't sound harsh (because my hope is for you guys to be reconciled and enjoy a great marriage), but do you understand your own culpability in the stress and unhappiness? And I am not speaking of just the adultery, that is done, it's over with...right? If it is, then that should not be a matter that has to continually impact your marriage and create stress and unhappiness.
It is not going to be until you truly seek to reconcile that you can throw up your hands and say "There is nothing I can do."
There is something you can do, and it is a matter of whether you will be obedient to your responsibility to God. If that fails, then perhaps you take a different tact. But for now, I would encourage you to first concentrate on your relationship with God, secondly find it in your heart to seek forgiveness (and I mean for yourself, your husband, and from God, yourself, and your husband), and to attempt to have compassion for your husband as he faces these battles.
God can heal this situation, but, you have to truly want that. It is easy to quit, but, you can't expect God to be happy with that decision. And my advice is based on what you have said, so, if there are circumstances you have not shared publicly (and I don't suggest you do that here), it might be best for you to go to the Women's private board and discuss that with godly women who may have gone through similar circumstances and have overcome through Christ.
Again, none of us can truly know your heart or what you are going through, and I don't think anyone would want to give up on you, or condemn you for how things have worked out in your marriage at this point. The question is, do you? One member pointed out that we should not dwell on the past, that is good advice. We are all going to sin, sister, but we don't give up because of that, we keep in mind that on an eternal basis we have been redeemed by One Who was willing to die for those sins. And if we can learn the Mind of Christ and employ that in our relationships with those we come into contact with, then we can be assured that God will bless us in our efforts.
Only after every attempt to fulfill the will of God in our lives has failed.
For now, you are obligated to remain married, and I can only suggest that you try to understand that God wants your marriage to work. That is just my opinion based on what you have shared, and based on my understanding of Scripture.
And sorry for the length, but I felt that thee were issues that needed to be addressed individually.
I pray God's peace for you and in your marriage, and that you and your husband will be healed from the wounds this world has inflicted.
God bless.
B
I am kind of in the same situation, without the fighting, because I know when to be quiet. I let her rant, then she gets mad because I won't argue. After 15 years, I think ours also may be done, just grow apart. No, we do not attend a church, both believe, just don't like leaving home. World to crazy, feel safe in our house. Thoughts and prayers to all of us.
S
Real marriage is not the one that happens in the church, is the one that happens in the mind. When two minds agree with each other, there is a marriage. In other words, it doesn't matter if you both are married in the church, and yet you're not united in love.
I suggest you both to practice the psalm 38 and The Magnificat (This last one if you're catholic) twice a day, that will solve all your marital problems and keep you both united in God.
After 1 week of prayer you see how the shadows are cleaner.
Have in mind that the simple fact of being Christian doesn't make you Christian, you have to live in harmony with God too.
I suggest you both to practice the psalm 38 and The Magnificat (This last one if you're catholic) twice a day, that will solve all your marital problems and keep you both united in God.
After 1 week of prayer you see how the shadows are cleaner.
Have in mind that the simple fact of being Christian doesn't make you Christian, you have to live in harmony with God too.
My thought is that unless the OP's husband is abusing her mentally or physically because of his PTSD or for other reasons, she have absolutely no grounds for a divorce.
Her husband does, but he has chosen to actually be a Christian, and forgive, as Jesus commands us to do.
I also find it so strange that the OP refuses to be intimate with him, and is surprised he is upset? The Bible is clear, as someone posted earlier in this thread, that we are not to withhold ourselves from our spouse. So another area of disobedience on the OP's part. Besides the fact that she might be able to rekindle their romance and marriage if she would obey God and fulfill her marriage vows.
I think the OP needs some personal Christian counseling. She is not living for Christ, or even her marriage, but for herself, as evidenced by the adultery, withholding herself from her husband, and her inability to realize the Bible does not allow divorce because she "changed your mind."
If she did not know her husband before he got PTSD, then why did she marry him? This is who he is. And yes, the meds would help, I am sure. They both need to do marriage counseling, and he needs to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs the meds. He may need a med change, as some of these meds have different side effects, although the goal of surpressing the bad memories is the same.
I am not trying to judge, just discuss the Biblical options. Her only biblical option is to stay, get some help and try and reconcile the marriage. A marriage is not something someone tries on, decide it is not their thing, then moves onto the next person. That is called serial monogamy, which is the current humanist interpretation of marriage. Do what feels good and makes you happy?? Not in the Bible at all.
Take up your cross, deny yourself and follow Christ? Yep! Matt 16:24
Her husband does, but he has chosen to actually be a Christian, and forgive, as Jesus commands us to do.
I also find it so strange that the OP refuses to be intimate with him, and is surprised he is upset? The Bible is clear, as someone posted earlier in this thread, that we are not to withhold ourselves from our spouse. So another area of disobedience on the OP's part. Besides the fact that she might be able to rekindle their romance and marriage if she would obey God and fulfill her marriage vows.
I think the OP needs some personal Christian counseling. She is not living for Christ, or even her marriage, but for herself, as evidenced by the adultery, withholding herself from her husband, and her inability to realize the Bible does not allow divorce because she "changed your mind."
If she did not know her husband before he got PTSD, then why did she marry him? This is who he is. And yes, the meds would help, I am sure. They both need to do marriage counseling, and he needs to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs the meds. He may need a med change, as some of these meds have different side effects, although the goal of surpressing the bad memories is the same.
I am not trying to judge, just discuss the Biblical options. Her only biblical option is to stay, get some help and try and reconcile the marriage. A marriage is not something someone tries on, decide it is not their thing, then moves onto the next person. That is called serial monogamy, which is the current humanist interpretation of marriage. Do what feels good and makes you happy?? Not in the Bible at all.
Take up your cross, deny yourself and follow Christ? Yep! Matt 16:24
Blue, you are completely and absolutely wrong about your interpetation of adultery.
Only the injured party has the right to divorce the adulterer. If you would just think for a moment, if anyone can divorce someone if THEY commit adultery, then anyone wanting to get out of a marriage just has to go sleep with anyone once, and they have a free get out of marriage free card! NOT!!
And God would rather have reconciliation any day! Marriages can be restored, and people need to realize that when God says he hates divorce, it means there are very few options for leaving a marriage.
“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” Mal. 2:16
Only the injured party has the right to divorce the adulterer. If you would just think for a moment, if anyone can divorce someone if THEY commit adultery, then anyone wanting to get out of a marriage just has to go sleep with anyone once, and they have a free get out of marriage free card! NOT!!
And God would rather have reconciliation any day! Marriages can be restored, and people need to realize that when God says he hates divorce, it means there are very few options for leaving a marriage.
“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” Mal. 2:16
S
I believe the psalm 38 prayed every day together, twice a day, would be enough. We're Christians, aren't we? We have first to believe in God. Seeking professional help and all is something that should be tried under last circunstances. Let us put faith in practice and not just keep talking about faith. It's too good and pretty to say "Hey, look at me, I'm a Christian!", but the only thing we have is the Tax Id card of Christian, lol.
The Psalm and the magnificat of the virgin mary, I tried once in a dating, a few years ago, tried it for one month, I had the most perfect relationship a human being could ever have, some people were even envy of us, the problem is that we suddenly stopped praying, due to routine (Work, studies, everything), and things got bad, as we were surrounded by evil. By the time I couldn't deal very good with bad situations, and she was 5 years younger, still a teenager, 18.
Prayer is something that should me done regularly, even if it's not everyday, but at least every week.
In their case, if they pray together, they will reach a miracle and they won't need to seek for any professional help, they just have to keep living a life in God.
The Psalm and the magnificat of the virgin mary, I tried once in a dating, a few years ago, tried it for one month, I had the most perfect relationship a human being could ever have, some people were even envy of us, the problem is that we suddenly stopped praying, due to routine (Work, studies, everything), and things got bad, as we were surrounded by evil. By the time I couldn't deal very good with bad situations, and she was 5 years younger, still a teenager, 18.
Prayer is something that should me done regularly, even if it's not everyday, but at least every week.
In their case, if they pray together, they will reach a miracle and they won't need to seek for any professional help, they just have to keep living a life in God.
J
Brethren, peace to all! I have been living alone for 5 years now (because the Mum of our child decided to leave "home" since she probably had enough, but never gave any chance to explain/reconcile). [Btw, we're not legally married for some valid reason and stayed together 8+ years]. Because it is my primary responsibility to see to it that our child go to school (and God willing, hope to finish it as well), we, parents, are still communicating if it is about our child. Initially, I could have admitted it was mostly my fault, but later after half a decade of separation, I realized that it is the "incompatibility" that caused it. We don't have a way of reconciling our huge differences(e.g. religion, family orientation, attitudes, and so on and so on). I am a Christian, and capable of being patient and forgiving. Should she gave me a second chance, I was ready that time to "meet-half-way" and hold on to it in whatever way I can to keep the family together, for our child's sake also. But, in a short period of time, she found a new one and live with him 'til today. Maybe that's God willing, in my case. For those people whose marriage is "stormy," find God first and He will lead you in the right path (in the direction that you will both grow with God). With God in your heart, you will have the wisdom and capacity to understand, forgive, and be patient. May God bless you in your decision!