how do i forgive this

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mario1001

Senior Member
Jun 5, 2013
137
16
18
#1
for over a month now my mom has been here at my grandma's house helping to take care of her since her stroke.I understand it's hard work and i've been doing my best to help in anyway i can.Now my mom wants to go home (again i can understand that). The problem is she wants to put my grandma back in the convalescent hospital.She's doing fine here at home .she's happy she's hopeful,surrounded by family that loves her.I'm afraid if we put her in the hospital she'll give up and die there.My mom told me she would look into moving my grandma to her house and my brother and i would move in with her there to help her.Now i'm hearing she talked to my uncle and they agreed about the hospital.I told i don't want my grandma in the hospital.apparently what i want is irrelevant.She's trying to make an excuse that she wants to enroll my autistic cousin(who she adopted)in school.She's been home schooled for years and now all of a sudden she wants her in school.I think her husband is pressuring her to go home already(he's been out here too this whole time)if my grandma goes back to that hospital and dies there I'll never forgive my mom for being so selfish and cruel and for going behind my back to my uncle.i understand it's hard work to take care of an invalid but is it to much to ask to her to sacrifice her plans for awhile until either my grandma is either healed and recovers or (and I hope this isn't for a long time yet) the Lord calls her home.
 
Z

Zi

Guest
#2
While you have feelings, your mother isn't answerable to you. You're taking God's place... It's out of your hands.. I'd enjoy what time you have and let God decide who's wrong.. we aren't forgiven if we can't forgive...

I understand this is a delicate time.. I'll put you in my prayers.. I don't mean to sound rude or hard, but we gotta know what battle is ours and which one isn't.. pray about it, God isn't unjust and unloving... Keep your heart clear
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#3
Do you live at your grandmother's house and can you take care of your grandmother without your mom's help?

Got to say, it's hard work taking care of someone recovering from something like that.
 

mario1001

Senior Member
Jun 5, 2013
137
16
18
#4
yes i do live with her and i do help take care of her .the only thing i don't do is change her diaper
 

mario1001

Senior Member
Jun 5, 2013
137
16
18
#5
Do you live at your grandmother's house and can you take care of your grandmother without your mom's help?

Got to say, it's hard work taking care of someone recovering from something like that.
yes i do live with her and i do help take care of her .the only thing i don't do is change her diaper
 

Desertsrose

Senior Member
Oct 24, 2016
2,803
183
63
#6
for over a month now my mom has been here at my grandma's house helping to take care of her since her stroke.I understand it's hard work and i've been doing my best to help in anyway i can.Now my mom wants to go home (again i can understand that). The problem is she wants to put my grandma back in the convalescent hospital.She's doing fine here at home .she's happy she's hopeful,surrounded by family that loves her.I'm afraid if we put her in the hospital she'll give up and die there.My mom told me she would look into moving my grandma to her house and my brother and i would move in with her there to help her.Now i'm hearing she talked to my uncle and they agreed about the hospital.I told i don't want my grandma in the hospital.apparently what i want is irrelevant.She's trying to make an excuse that she wants to enroll my autistic cousin(who she adopted)in school.She's been home schooled for years and now all of a sudden she wants her in school.I think her husband is pressuring her to go home already(he's been out here too this whole time)if my grandma goes back to that hospital and dies there I'll never forgive my mom for being so selfish and cruel and for going behind my back to my uncle.i understand it's hard work to take care of an invalid but is it to much to ask to her to sacrifice her plans for awhile until either my grandma is either healed and recovers or (and I hope this isn't for a long time yet) the Lord calls her home.
Hi Mario,


I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of that. There's no easy answer. We offered to take my husband's grandmother home with us, but the family made the decision. In other words the grandmothers daughters. One of them was my husbands mother. So she went into a nursing home and lived for years there.


We had to submit to their decision; it was their choice to make. All you can do is offer to care for your grandmother. Hospice here offers volunteer help to clean the house or buy groceries or even to just sit and visit with the patient. Have you looked into that to see if you could care for her without your mom being involved?


Either way though, it really is up to your mom to make that call. It's a hard and difficult decision to make. We were upset with my mother in law for awhile, but we forgave her right away. You can be unhappy with the decision and even be upset with your mom, but you must forgive and love your mom and honor her. She's probably doing the best she can.


What you can do is pray and ask God to make the decision; give it to Him and you'll be at peace as to what happens. We have to trust in God's sovereignty; we need to give the problem over to Him. And that way it also helps us to see things more clearly. Then there's no one to blame, because you've entrusted your grandmother's care to God.


I will be praying with you for God to work a miracle!
 

mario1001

Senior Member
Jun 5, 2013
137
16
18
#7


Hi Mario,


I'm so sorry you're having to go through all of that. There's no easy answer. We offered to take my husband's grandmother home with us, but the family made the decision. In other words the grandmothers daughters. One of them was my husbands mother. So she went into a nursing home and lived for years there.


We had to submit to their decision; it was their choice to make. All you can do is offer to care for your grandmother. Hospice here offers volunteer help to clean the house or buy groceries or even to just sit and visit with the patient. Have you looked into that to see if you could care for her without your mom being involved?


Either way though, it really is up to your mom to make that call. It's a hard and difficult decision to make. We were upset with my mother in law for awhile, but we forgave her right away. You can be unhappy with the decision and even be upset with your mom, but you must forgive and love your mom and honor her. She's probably doing the best she can.


What you can do is pray and ask God to make the decision; give it to Him and you'll be at peace as to what happens. We have to trust in God's sovereignty; we need to give the problem over to Him. And that way it also helps us to see things more clearly. Then there's no one to blame, because you've entrusted your grandmother's care to God.


I will be praying with you for God to work a miracle!
how do i honor someone who is being so calloused toward my grandma.why?because my grandma made it clear that my brother and i get her house if something happens to her(God forbid).Once my my grandma told her that she changed.She said "what am i taking care of her for?"implying that since she wasn't getting the house she had no reason to take care of her.May God repay her according to her works!
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#8
yes i do live with her and i do help take care of her .the only thing i don't do is change her diaper
Well, if you won't and your mom leaves, then what? She stays in dirty diapers until the visiting care comes?

I'm asking for practicality here. Can you take care of her on your own? And will you do it right? That includes diapers, because people do not "go" at scheduled times.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#9
Considering you are now praying for a miraculous caregiver for your grandmother, I think it's time to forgive your mother for not doing what you won't/can't do either.

Please pray that the LORD would send to send somene to help care for my Grandma so she won't have to leave her house .So she can be at peace and my mom can go home.In Jesus Name Amen
 

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
Jul 18, 2017
5,775
539
113
#10
if my grandma goes back to that hospital and dies there I'll never forgive my mom for being so selfish and cruel and for going behind my back to my uncle.i understand it's hard work to take care of an invalid but is it to much to ask to her to sacrifice her plans for awhile until either my grandma is either healed and recovers or (and I hope this isn't for a long time yet) the Lord calls her home.
Mario,
It would appear that your dad is not around or has passed away. I assume you are a Christian and so is your mom. If you both attend the same church, it is time for the pastors/elders of your church to intervene and explain to your mother how devastating this decision might be. Therefore an urgent meeting with all concerned parties should be held for some sort of binding arbitration.

If that is not an option, and your grandmother is still in her right mind, you may need to go the legal route and have your grandmother make you her sole living trustee, so that legally only you can decide where your grandma goes and who looks after her. This may certainly upset you mother and uncle, but if you feel so strongly about this issue, then you should also be prepared to stand on your own if necessary and face the wrath of other family members. You should consult a lawyer independently, and find one who has nothing to do with your mom, uncle, or anyone in your family.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,015
222
63
#11
for over a month now my mom has been here at my grandma's house helping to take care of her since her stroke.I understand it's hard work and i've been doing my best to help in anyway i can.Now my mom wants to go home (again i can understand that). The problem is she wants to put my grandma back in the convalescent hospital.She's doing fine here at home .she's happy she's hopeful,surrounded by family that loves her.I'm afraid if we put her in the hospital she'll give up and die there.My mom told me she would look into moving my grandma to her house and my brother and i would move in with her there to help her.Now i'm hearing she talked to my uncle and they agreed about the hospital.I told i don't want my grandma in the hospital.apparently what i want is irrelevant.She's trying to make an excuse that she wants to enroll my autistic cousin(who she adopted)in school.She's been home schooled for years and now all of a sudden she wants her in school.I think her husband is pressuring her to go home already(he's been out here too this whole time)if my grandma goes back to that hospital and dies there I'll never forgive my mom for being so selfish and cruel and for going behind my back to my uncle.i understand it's hard work to take care of an invalid but is it to much to ask to her to sacrifice her plans for awhile until either my grandma is either healed and recovers or (and I hope this isn't for a long time yet) the Lord calls her home.
I'm glad you love your gramma and cousin so much. Only God knows your mom's intentions. But I have also homeschooled my daughter, and decided to put her back in school. But from my experience homeschooling, knowing what hard work, love, and patience it takes, leads me to believe that your mom does not have bad intentions toward your cousin or your gramma.

Adults have to make tough decisions sometimes. Sarah told Abraham to send Ishmael and His mother out of their home. Abraham said "But that's my son!" But the Lord said "Listen to your wife and send the child and His mother away." So it sounds harsh, but even God agreed it was the right thing to do. This is why we should always pray about what we want, but to also pray "Yet let not my will but Yours be done."
 
Jun 1, 2016
5,032
120
0
#12
for over a month now my mom has been here at my grandma's house helping to take care of her since her stroke.I understand it's hard work and i've been doing my best to help in anyway i can.Now my mom wants to go home (again i can understand that). The problem is she wants to put my grandma back in the convalescent hospital.She's doing fine here at home .she's happy she's hopeful,surrounded by family that loves her.I'm afraid if we put her in the hospital she'll give up and die there.My mom told me she would look into moving my grandma to her house and my brother and i would move in with her there to help her.Now i'm hearing she talked to my uncle and they agreed about the hospital.I told i don't want my grandma in the hospital.apparently what i want is irrelevant.She's trying to make an excuse that she wants to enroll my autistic cousin(who she adopted)in school.She's been home schooled for years and now all of a sudden she wants her in school.I think her husband is pressuring her to go home already(he's been out here too this whole time)if my grandma goes back to that hospital and dies there I'll never forgive my mom for being so selfish and cruel and for going behind my back to my uncle.i understand it's hard work to take care of an invalid but is it to much to ask to her to sacrifice her plans for awhile until either my grandma is either healed and recovers or (and I hope this isn't for a long time yet) the Lord calls her home.

willingly forgive in prayer is the best place to start ask God not to hold anything against anyone involved on your account. even if you dont want to, the More you forgive in prayer vocally alone with God it will change your Heart concerning forgiveness. God bless you the best place we can ever start is Prayer in any circumstance, thats a Habit that will change circumstances so powerfully. no matter the Case. God has a way of empowering us to do things we cant figure out how, the thing is for us flawed folks is, we have to learn How to not think so much about the How can we's, and focus on the Who to turn to's :)

philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.


mark 9:23-24 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. 24And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."<<< Jesus will always answer when you call out for Help He will always help us when we need and turn to Him in matters such as this. remember who is able !!! and who is always available !!




 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,941
760
113
#13
You have some big assumptions in your OP.

You have assumed your grandmother will die if she goes into a nursing home. Well, we all die sooner or later, so on that count you are right! But, I have worked as a chaplain in long term care, and many older people live into their 90's with good care. Plus, they can be with people their own age. They can listen to the kind of music they grew up with, and make friends with people their own age.

Plus, even if she did die, after a stroke, the risk of dying from another stroke us high. In fact, with rapid treatment like she would get in long term care, she may survive longer.

Further, you say your mom and her husband have been there taking care of her? So what about their lives? You want them to just stay on and on caring for your grandmother, a difficult job at best? The fact that your mom has been there caring for her, shows how loving she is. But care-giving has a really high burn out rate, especially if your mom is the main person. Which is another reason why long term care is a better arrangement. The staff are paid to do their job, and they can go home at night to their homes and families. They get weekends, or equivalent off, to come back refreshed to help the residents. Your mom doesn't have that. Have some compassion for your mom, and hopefully she will forgive you for this attitude. It may even be stressing out her marriage.

Finally, methinks thou does protest too much! You obviously have had a comfortable situation living with your grandmother, and you see it coming to an end, if your mom follows through. I think you need to be honest with yourself, and figure out how much of this anger directed towards your mom is about you having to go through upheaval and change! It's only human to feel that way! So, I think you need to apologize to your mom for wrong assumptions, for not thinking of your mom, and being a bit selfish. You can continue to visit your grandmother in the hospital, and love her in place that is in her best interests, as well as other family members.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
9,941
760
113
#14
PS I have an elderly aunt who lives at home with her disabled daughter, who is 65. My uncle was their main caregiver, and he got cancer and died in 2011. My aunt wants to go into care, but my cousin doesn't. So they spend literally $20,000 a month for caregivers. They have a night person who lives with them, a day person who also does cooking and shopping. They have weekend people, substitute people when the caregivers are sick. Then, they press other family into filling in the gaps. My blind 95 year old aunt flies from LA to Edmonton yearly to take care of them, which is ludicrous! Another blind aunt who is 89, has to fly up to "babysit" at other times.

They have had caregivers totally burn out and quit, leaving my cousin, my elderly aunt's son, and his wife with chronic fatigue syndrome, and an autistic son who needs constant supervision, to pick up the slack. And when they refuse, the rest of the family gets mad at them.

Caregiving at home to a elderly person with stroke issues is expensive and difficult. In fact, almost impossible even if you help. Time to let your mom do the right thing, and get your grandmother good care in a long term care facility.
 
Jan 25, 2017
34
1
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#15
Hi, I can feel your love and compassion for your grandma. But there are times we have to let go and let God take charge of everything, He sees everything and He is in control. Just do what you can do and enjoy your time with your grandma. I would like to encourage you just like the Bible says, give all your concerns to God because He cares for you. Please don’t get bitter with your mom because bitterness hinders our prayers. I will be praying for you and your family.
 

jenniferand2

Senior Member
Mar 19, 2016
1,432
32
48
#16
While you have feelings, your mother isn't answerable to you. You're taking God's place... It's out of your hands.. I'd enjoy what time you have and let God decide who's wrong.. we aren't forgiven if we can't forgive...

I understand this is a delicate time.. I'll put you in my prayers.. I don't mean to sound rude or hard, but we gotta know what battle is ours and which one isn't.. pray about it, God isn't unjust and unloving... Keep your heart clear
if they can afford a hospital service then why can't they get home care workers to come to the home? Home health aides especially great ones who are very caring would be fantastic. maybe try mentioning that.. some agencies will let you hire your own people.
 
Dec 16, 2012
1,462
93
48
#17
for over a month now my mom has been here at my grandma's house helping to take care of her since her stroke.I understand it's hard work and i've been doing my best to help in anyway i can.Now my mom wants to go home (again i can understand that). The problem is she wants to put my grandma back in the convalescent hospital.She's doing fine here at home .she's happy she's hopeful,surrounded by family that loves her.I'm afraid if we put her in the hospital she'll give up and die there.My mom told me she would look into moving my grandma to her house and my brother and i would move in with her there to help her.

I told i don't want my grandma in the hospital.apparently what i want is irrelevant. if my grandma goes back to that hospital and dies there I'll never forgive my mom for being so selfish and cruel and for going behind my back to my uncle.i understand it's hard work to take care of an invalid but is it to much to ask to her to sacrifice her plans for awhile until either my grandma is either healed and recovers or (and I hope this isn't for a long time yet) the Lord calls her home.

My beautiful grandma lived with us until the day she went to the Lord. There is no way my mother and her siblings would allow their own precious mother to be put in a horrible hospital environment or into a home where care is already disgracefully poor.

Family is at the core of our value system in my upbringing. My mother was wonderfully taken care of by my grandmother and, rightfully, fully intended to give her the same care in return when it came to her time of need in dependent living. Family comes first and we all look after each other with what the world tries to bring our way.

We all investigated both matters and this is what we came up with. Even with daily visitation from family, the elderly person isn't provided with the best activities to stimulate their mind, the food is extremely poor quality and the care is just not adequate. They had to wait to be changed and showered and their needs were definitely not attended to immediately. This to me means they weren't treated with dignity and respect at all. They sat in a lonely, unstimulated environment, with poor diet, no exercise and the immediate human needs weren't attended too.

Although family can visit daily it had to be done around work hours and was minimal, not quality, time spent. So thankfully my mother moved in with my grandmother in her natural, comfortable beautiful home environment and then moved her in with us. It was absolutely fantastic. My grandma lived a healthy strong life and a much longer one that she would have if she'd been placed in a dying home (not a nursing home at all). Please don't harbour bitterness toward you mum, do pray about it and ask God to intervene with His will on the matter. Wishing you comfort and peace in this challenging circumstance where you only want the best for your grandma.




 
Apr 22, 2017
55
3
0
#18
Your mom cannot possibly keep up with her mom(a full time job)and your cousin(Autistic) a full time job,not to mention home school without sudden burnout.Your grandmother NEEDS 24hr. Care and THERAPY.This will take at least 2or 3months close care and possibly 2 mths Therapy.You cannot change diapers almost every hr.Your heart loves her but you CANT GIVE that
kind and quality of service.Therapy MUST be started but you can be there to call a nurse or orderly to come and change her.atch how she'e treated and see she gets proper liquid thickeners
and an air matress to prevent bed sores and so much more.Make friends with her doctor,nurse all her care personel and share Jesus when ever you can.Does your mom own a house,
If not it's more important she have one.
I can't choosr for you but if its an anurysm stroke look for 1 or1 1/2yr recovery,if a clot stroke God knows how long or short.Hope this gives an understanding of what you could be up against. Shalom peace ,completeness in Jesus.
 

Jstar845

Junior Member
Nov 16, 2016
10
1
0
#19
[FONT=&quot]Hello Beloved, I’m very sorry to hear that your grandmother is sick. I pray for her healing and God will continue to be there for her recovery. I also pray for your and your family’s strength. It’s understandable that this is a difficult situation for you. I know you love your grandmother very much and don’t want her put in the hospital this would not be fair to her. I also know she would rather be at home to heal there. I see that you can discuss this with your mother and uncle. Also, if she is put in the hospital it can be temporary for rehabilitation purposes only then she can be released afterwards. I know you don’t want her in the hospital at all. I want to you to be open for forgiveness as your family makes decisions. There may be some things done or said you don’t like, but remember forgiveness pleases God and helps the situation. Lastly, continue to trust in God and believe for her healing. Pray for her daily, you read scriptures and to her and stay encouraged. If, you feel you need someone to talk with in the future continue to post to this site and maybe try[/FONT][FONT=&quot] the Samaritans [/FONT][FONT=&quot]it’s a 24-hour confidential hotline at [/FONT][FONT=&quot](212) 673-3000. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]They are there any time you feel you need to talk to someone and they are there through anything.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Hugs and God Bless you. We are here for you. [/FONT]
 

CherieR

Senior Member
May 6, 2017
563
23
18
#20
Forgiveness is an act of the will and emotions follow later. Just say aloud: " I forgive Mom" and start praying for her. Jesus says " Blessed are the merciful for they will obtain mercy." Matthew 5:7. Blessed is another way of saying happy. Do you want to be happy? Be merciful. Do you want God to show you mercy? Be merciful.