How long does the grief of losing a spouse last.

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VCO

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2013
10,964
4,073
113
#1
My wife passed away after 36 years of marriage, due to kidney failure and a heart attack. I absolutely know she is with the Lord in heaven, but still the grief comes and goes, however the duration of the tears is less now after two weeks. She passed away unexpectedly on 11-2-15. Those who have been down this path before, please encourage me that there will be a time coming when the grief will be replaced with cherished memories.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#2
Read the short book A Grief Observed by C S Lewis. It's like a journal he wrote after losing his wife. Quite helpful.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,247
2,405
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#3
VCO, I am so sorry for your loss! My heartfelt condolences go out to you.

As for how long does grief over the loss of a spouse last, a long time. It is said that the pain will be sharp up to a year later. But if the depression and grief are still tearing you apart after a year, you should seek professional help.

Something you you might want to do is attend a grief support group. A friend of mine did that. While it didn't stop the grief, they did give her permission to work through the pain. She was so stuck, she could not allow herself to do that.

Praying that God help you through this time of suffering.
 
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ladylynn

Guest
#4
So very sorry for your most recent loss and will be praying for you VCO. Time and Jesus is the only way. Jesus loves you.
 

mar09

Senior Member
Sep 17, 2014
4,805
1,154
113
#5
Not matter i'm nt good with words..just asking the Spirit comfort you thruout this time. He is good.
 

sassylady

Senior Member
Jun 25, 2014
1,184
29
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#6
I couldn't tell you how long, it can greatly vary with each person. My ex molested our daughters and I found out when we had been married over 25 years. It has been almost 11 years since I found out and he has been out of our lives, and I can still have moments when I grieve for the sadness of it all. But those times get fewer and farther between as the years go by and I no longer remember "oh, today is his birthday" or "this would have been our anniversary". The one thing I can tell you is don't let other people put a time limit on how long you grieve. I have had a few people who were extremely critical of the fact that I still ache over the situation. It is one thing to be in the same place in 5 years that you are now and another to be moving on but still having those pockets of grief that can hit you. You will always have a place in your heart for your spouse. Just make sure you are on your way to healing; as one said read the book by C S Lewis.
 

PennEd

Senior Member
Apr 22, 2013
9,408
5,809
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#7
The 2 will be made one flesh. Part of you is physically gone. Praise Jesus she is with the Lord.

Remember brother. Jesus wept at the pain His brothers and sisters felt at the loss of one of theirs. I pray in His name, that He would give you his peace that passes all understanding, and that your heart would be lifted til you see Him, and He wipes away every tear.
 
Feb 24, 2015
13,204
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#8
My wife passed away after 36 years of marriage, due to kidney failure and a heart attack. I absolutely know she is with the Lord in heaven, but still the grief comes and goes, however the duration of the tears is less now after two weeks. She passed away unexpectedly on 11-2-15. Those who have been down this path before, please encourage me that there will be a time coming when the grief will be replaced with cherished memories.
My friend, I stand with you. You have not yet begun to grieve. Grief is almost the measure of how embedded the person was in your life and makeup. There are some lessons people have learnt from similar experiences.

1. You have to let the pain and loss flow, without restraint. You need to let yourself know and express how much this person meant to you.
2. You have to let go. Accepting the loss is the hardest thing we can experience. It is like letting part of us die.

This process takes 10 years+. It is not about being normal, it is about becoming somebody different, without the other in your life. It is very hard, but it is also very important to let it happen.

In an odd way, letting yourself go through this process, means you more quickly find yourself at the end.
Part of the process is almost a conversation with yourself where you acknowledge all they meant to you and how much you miss them.

In our church we have started a counselling group on grieving, because many are suprised at how different and apparently out of control they have become. But this is all normal.

I went down this path after losing my dad aged 23, and was suprised how much it all meant to me. In someways you learn how interwoven you are in your hearts when this process begins, but also how alive you are also.

I guess this is not what you want to here, but know Jesus said this,
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
 

Joidevivre

Senior Member
Jul 15, 2014
3,838
271
83
#9
Good words from everyone - but allow the cherished memories to come along with the grieving. They are comforting and that is a part of your wife that will always remain with you.

I just look at heaven as another dimension very close to ours, yet unseen. It could be that when you are with the Lord in His presence, so is she with Him also. Because of you both being in Christ, it might be that your spirits can sense each others and can feel the love. That thought has helped me greatly.
 

notuptome

Senior Member
May 17, 2013
15,050
2,519
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#10
Last year I went through the trauma of losing my father. So far I would say the pain diminishes but never goes completely away. I liken it to a little hole in my heart that will never go away. It was a big hole when he passed and his passing was sudden although he was 80 it still is really rough.

Family, friends and Gods grace certainly rush in to bind up the wound but I think God leaves just a little hole there to keep us depending on Him.

The holidays are tough especially the first time you celebrate them without the loved one who is departed. It gets better with the passage of time but the emotions brought to the surface by the memories are both painful and yet sweet. The pain will be all joy when I am united with Christ and see my loved one there then it will be all joy.

For the cause of Christ
Roger
 

VCO

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2013
10,964
4,073
113
#11
Good words from everyone - but allow the cherished memories to come along with the grieving. They are comforting and that is a part of your wife that will always remain with you.

I just look at heaven as another dimension very close to ours, yet unseen. It could be that when you are with the Lord in His presence, so is she with Him also. Because of you both being in Christ, it might be that your spirits can sense each others and can feel the love. That thought has helped me greatly.
Everyone is offering very good advice, and it is all comforting. As bad as it hurt when my Dad died and then a few years later Mom died, this is far worse. YES I know what you mean about sensing her spirit. I actually felt it the very first night a mutual friend introduced us on Oct. 16th, 1978. YES, I can still feel it, but the separation seems almost unbearable at times. Part of me will always long to be standing by her right side, and thankfully I told that very thing a couple days before our Lord called her home. Someone said it is like part of yourself died, and that is very true.

She sensed that her death was coming a few months ago, but I remained in denial. Our 10.5 year old miniature dachshund died of congestive heart failure on June 9th, this year, and she insisted we buy another as soon as possible. I had a hard time finding one that looked like Katrina, but I finally located one nearly 400 miles away. To our surprise, we found out that Sarah-Lee was born on June 9th, this year. On the trip home after picking Sarah-Lee up, my wife confided with me that she wanted the puppy, so that I would not be alone, when she passed away. I dismissed it by saying, oh we are going together in the Rapture.

I am not overly depressed, because I realized a long time ago, that if GOD was finished with me, I would not be able to take another breath. Still the mixed emotions of wanting to be standing beside her, and wanting to finish the race, that God has laid out before me, was something that I honestly thought was years away.

Thank you and everyone else who has shared their thoughts and suggestions.

Titus 2:13,
VCO
 
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Little_Woman

Guest
#12
My aunt has passed away since 2 months,
her husband lives the same thing as you live.
Automatically, he works non stop trying
to not focus of what happened!
 

Joidevivre

Senior Member
Jul 15, 2014
3,838
271
83
#13
You said "it is like losing a part of you". I have to admit that losing a parent or other relative is just not the same. A spouse of a long marriage really becomes more of a part of you than even you realize. When God said "They shall become one", I didn't even realize the oneness you would not even know you had until death separated you.

Learning to live without that part of you just takes time I guess. The part of you that shared dreams, made plans together, really knew you, forgave you, and loved you even with all your faults played such a big part of shaping who you are today. All of a sudden that is taken away. Yet, the Lord said in scriptures that He is very close to the widows (widowers) who have in a very real sense lost part of themselves. He knows. And He knows how to bring comfort and reveal the next season of our lives.

You and I both have a purpose to our lives, and somehow it will be even richer having gone through this time. I already feel like a different person. And it is okay to have a part of ourselves missing. All those platitudes about God filling that part doesn't make sense to me. I realize that the other part of me is still living - just in another place - and all they gave me is still a part of me. And it is only the one who feels that emptiness who can weep with those who weep.
 
S

Sirk

Guest
#14
I'm sorry VCO. I think that you have to allow yourself to feel your grief. Jesus said...blessed is he who mourns for he will be comforted. Find a grief support group if you can. Read about the 7 stages of grief and recognize where you are. You have to go thru it the way that Jesus leads you thru it. The sun will shine again brother.
 
Nov 25, 2014
942
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#15
My wife passed away after 36 years of marriage, due to kidney failure and a heart attack. I absolutely know she is with the Lord in heaven, but still the grief comes and goes, however the duration of the tears is less now after two weeks. She passed away unexpectedly on 11-2-15. Those who have been down this path before, please encourage me that there will be a time coming when the grief will be replaced with cherished memories.
We are so sorry to hear about your loss. Honestly, I can't even imagine how painful it must be for you. I have never lost a spouse.

However, I do know a bit about grief. Please know that you are in a process. It's typical after a death to walk through various parts of this process over the course of two years. I know I've also heard that when it's the death of a spouse to anticipate a month for every year together.

Please continue to reach out and seek help. There are even counselors, pastors, and groups that specialize in grief recovery. Of course, we are always here to pray for you.
 

VCO

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2013
10,964
4,073
113
#16
We are so sorry to hear about your loss. Honestly, I can't even imagine how painful it must be for you. I have never lost a spouse.

However, I do know a bit about grief. Please know that you are in a process. It's typical after a death to walk through various parts of this process over the course of two years. I know I've also heard that when it's the death of a spouse to anticipate a month for every year together.

Please continue to reach out and seek help. There are even counselors, pastors, and groups that specialize in grief recovery. Of course, we are always here to pray for you.
I really appreciate the prayers. I hope and pray that having the courage to talk about it here, will encourage many others, who are going through similar dark hours of mourning.
 

Blue059

Junior Member
Apr 16, 2017
1
2
0
#17
I lost my husband of 22 years on March 17,2017 I feel lost and lonely and scared.We talked about everything.Will I ever heal and be happy again.
 
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Sully

Guest
#18
I lost my husband of 22 years on March 17,2017 I feel lost and lonely and scared.We talked about everything.Will I ever heal and be happy again.
God bless you. I will be praying for you blue.
 

Teebaby

Junior Member
Apr 16, 2017
1
0
0
#19
Hi Sully. Let me say how much I understand. I hope and pray that you will find the strength to heal and be happy again. I, too, lost my husband. There are good days and not so good days. The struggle is real. The only real comfort is the love of Jesus. I pray He wraps you in his arms and comforts you as he has done for me.
 

VCO

Senior Member
Oct 14, 2013
10,964
4,073
113
#20
I lost my husband of 22 years on March 17,2017 I feel lost and lonely and scared.We talked about everything.Will I ever heal and be happy again.
It has been about year and a half since I lost my wife. It is getting better for me. I can smile now looking at old pictures, instead of just crying. Having my mini dachshund with me day and night helps a lot. No I do not take my little Sarah to Church with me or to Doctors Appointments, but most of the time she is with me. I haven't tried dating yet, but I am starting to think about it. Do we ever stop missing our soulmate? No, I don't think that is possible, but it gets easier to deal with in time.

I find myself occasionally now, thanking the LORD for the memories, and that has been a big help. I know the hurt and heartache you are going thru, so maybe in my prayers I can help lift some of the burden. It will get better. One thing that helped in those early months of grief; was I forced myself to go thru the boxes of pictures, and put together four small photo Albums. Yes I cried over every picture, but for some reason that started the healing process. Those are the pictures that I can now look at and smile about the memory.

I will be praying for you.