I dont want to be impolite...

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OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,218
347
83
#1
I don't want to be impolite.... chronically!

What are some of the ways you are polite when you go over someone's house for dinner? Maybe take off your shoes at the door? Maybe tuck in your chair when you leave the dinner table? I've somehow managed to go off the deep end. I do the dishes, wash the counters and table, sweep, take out the trash, etc. My daughter asked me once when we spent the night there "Did you just clean their tub and wash their toilet?" And I said "Yeah, well, I don't want to be rude."

I know I go way too far. Like I saw their desk was broken, wobbly, and on its last leg. I bought them a new $370 desk, even though I'm poor and don't even have a dresser, I managed to pull it off.

Or like when I was babysitting for friends, a couple. We got into a conversation before they left. I asked why they have a three bedroom, yet their son and daughter share a room? The husband showed me how the third room was full of office equipment. He said someday he plans on setting it up in the living room so their son could have his own room.

I did it, while they were gone, but it took three additional days to finish it. I set up the home office in the living room, cleaned the kids room, took apart the bunk beds, set up the boy's room, and, of course, I did their dishes, and um cleaned their stove- which was atrocious.

I want to be known as patient, loving, forgiving, kind, etc. But some problems have developed from this. One is, while everyone goes to socialise in the living room, I'm in the kitchen scrubbing pots and pans. And what started out as a kindness is now expected. For example, my brother stayed with us for a few months. And every night I cleared of the table and washed the dinner dishes. But one night, after clearing my plate, and my daughters plate, I was interrupted by a phone call...

After being on the phone for well over an hour, I said goodnight to him and started to head to bed. He said "Aren't you going to finish cleaning up?" (While pointing to his plate on the table). I said "I'll do the dishes tomorrow, I'm tired, besides, you can clean up your own plate." He went into a rage. I calmly said "Everyone must pitch in around here, everyone has their share, even kids, and even you." He left, slamming the door behind him. He came back after a few minutes and said that I almost made him commit suicide.

Another time it was late, my daughter had school in the morning, and after dinner she hinted she needs to go. So I stated that I couldn't clean up tonight, and asked if they could handle this little bit? (That night was very little clean up). They said "I guess." very hesitantly, while looking at me puzzled and discussed. This person was just laughing and is now going about angrily and giving me dirty looks.

I am now known to be extremely nice, so if I stop will they think I stopped being christian? If I stop will my christian mindset become lazy?

I have stood in long lines, with only one person behind me, and let them go ahead of me. Then another person comes behind me again, and I let them, and several others go ahead of me, making for a seemingly never ending line.

I think you get the picture. Any thoughts?
 

Waggles

Senior Member
Sep 21, 2017
3,338
1,252
113
South
adelaiderevival.com
#2
You do not need to be a doormat to be polite or "Christian" -
Be sensible. I think it is more about being not rude, not abrasive and not offensive than being totally submissive.
Preaching the gospel and upholding your testimony as a Christian ought to be your focus.
When you are in a line of people chat about Jesus. Or a healing. Or what happened to a friend who prayed.
Going to the back of the line is pointless.

Don't encourage others to always expect that you will do so very much for them. They will expect it from you all the time,
and when you are unable to do this then they will have resentment in the flesh.

My thoughts on this.
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#3
We teach people how to treat us and what to expect from us. You've trained everyone that you're their slave. Then when you stop being their slave you're surprised they're upset. You've put yourself into this situation.

If people think you're not a Christian because you stopped doing their work for them, let them. They're idiots.

You are not being "polite". You sound more like an insecure people pleaser.
Polite is cleaning up after yourself. Maybe helping a little. Polite is not doing all the dishes, taking our their garbage, cleaning off their table, blowing their nose and wiping their butt.

Your brother needs immediate, professional psychological help.

I would actually dislike having you as a guest. You would make me feel so awkward and uncomfortable doing so much. Reading what you wrote made me uncomfortable.
It's one thing to help, it's another thing to take over someone else house or kitchen.

A Christian mindset is not one that takes over someone's house and allows an atmosphere where you work slavishly while everyone around you forgets how to take care of their own mess. Or gets angry if you can't or won't do it for them. You have painted yourself into a corner.
I can't say that it's a Christian mindset that forces people into moving their office. Or allows everyone to become lazy while you run around putting your hands in their business.
So don't worry, learning to behave in a reasonable, yet still polite and friendly manner will not cause you to have a lazy mindset. It may free up others of the discomfort of you being so involved in their household affairs, while reminding others its ok to clean up after themselves.

If anything I'd say your "politeness" has more negatives than positives.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,628
9,288
113
#4
I gotta agree with Ugly. It's kind of...pretentious..of you to take it upon yourself to clean someone else's house, do their dishes, and especially to relocate someone's office!! If you had done that to MY office, I'd have been very upset. The guy said "someday" he'd move his office. "Someday" probably meaning when the boy was old enough to have his own room. NOT "someday" meaning when OneFaith takes it upon herself to do it without permission.. lol. If I was a better, I'd say the guy probably moved his office back where it was..

The one thing I thought of when I read your post was, you have extreme OCD and are a people-pleaser. A people pleaser to the point of super extreme overkill.. :/

Your brother wanted to commit suicide just because you didn't clear his plate? REALLY? He needs professional help.
 

Dan58

Senior Member
Nov 13, 2013
1,987
320
83
#5
I don't want to be impolite.... chronically!

My daughter asked me once when we spent the night there "Did you just clean their tub and wash their toilet?" And I said "Yeah, well, I don't want to be rude."
I'd have to agree with blue ladybug here. If a guess came to my house and commenced cleaning my tub, toilet, etc, it would make me feel very uneasy.. Its like they're telling you that your place isn't good enough for them.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,628
9,288
113
#6
I'd have to agree with blue ladybug here. If a guess came to my house and commenced cleaning my tub, toilet, etc, it would make me feel very uneasy.. Its like they're telling you that your place isn't good enough for them.

The message I would have gotten from her doing that, would be that my house was filthy and she didn't want to be rude by telling me so, but rather would clean it herself.. lol
 

Tommy379

Notorious Member
Jan 12, 2016
7,589
1,146
113
#7
I don't know. I clean my own mess, but if Onefaith wants to visit, that'll be great.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,218
347
83
#8
We teach people how to treat us and what to expect from us. You've trained everyone that you're their slave. Then when you stop being their slave you're surprised they're upset. You've put yourself into this situation.

If people think you're not a Christian because you stopped doing their work for them, let them. They're idiots.

You are not being "polite". You sound more like an insecure people pleaser.
Polite is cleaning up after yourself. Maybe helping a little. Polite is not doing all the dishes, taking our their garbage, cleaning off their table, blowing their nose and wiping their butt.

Your brother needs immediate, professional psychological help.

I would actually dislike having you as a guest. You would make me feel so awkward and uncomfortable doing so much. Reading what you wrote made me uncomfortable.
It's one thing to help, it's another thing to take over someone else house or kitchen.

A Christian mindset is not one that takes over someone's house and allows an atmosphere where you work slavishly while everyone around you forgets how to take care of their own mess. Or gets angry if you can't or won't do it for them. You have painted yourself into a corner.
I can't say that it's a Christian mindset that forces people into moving their office. Or allows everyone to become lazy while you run around putting your hands in their business.
So don't worry, learning to behave in a reasonable, yet still polite and friendly manner will not cause you to have a lazy mindset. It may free up others of the discomfort of you being so involved in their household affairs, while reminding others its ok to clean up after themselves.

If anything I'd say your "politeness" has more negatives than positives.
Not one person complained, they liked everything I did for them, and wanted me to do more. But you are correct, I have tried to be a people pleaser, but mostly I was doing it for God. Being humble, kind, and serving others is a good thing, but I didnt channel it right. Reading your response, from the outside looking in, reminded me of a few scriptures...

"Do not be hasty in the laying on of hands." Meaning don't heal everyone just to heal them, heal them as a way of helping them see God, but if they don't want to see God don't heal them. You are not here to heal, but to use that as a tool for God. Paul left Trophimus sick because healing was for a purpose, not for convenience. In the same way, I guess helping helps people see God, but completely doing it for them helps them see how to take advantage of people. I guess I didn't channel it right, the end result was not a help to them spiritually. I see that now.

My brother does need help. He took many experimental drugs in the army that messed him up, he should sue, cause he wasn't like that before. I came to realize that helping my brother was dangerous for my daughter- who was only five at the time. He flies off the handle way too easily. The final straw was when we were about to eat dinner and I let my daughter say the prayer.

It was truly sweet and biblically accurate. But after her prayer he pounded his fist on the table so hard it made me jump out of my seat. He yelled at her saying she could have done so much better (even though it was perfect). He said she didn't have enough respect for God, and ordered her to go sit on the couch. She went and sat on the couch and silent tears rolled down her face as she was trying to hold them in. I struggled to get out of my shock so that I could react.

I told her her prayer was perfect and that I know she loves and respects God with all her heart, and to get off the couch. She started to, but he yelled at her to get back on the couch. I told her I am her parent, her only authority here, that she is not in trouble, and is only to listen to me. She did. I told him "You are not my husband or her father, you are my brother, her uncle, and you have no authority over her. He said "Exactly why she needs a male role model."

I did not yell at him to get out, I mustered up some emergency self-control and told him it is not working out with him staying here. That I was glad to help for awhile, but he has to go back and stay with our other brother. He said that they don't get along good. I said if he was cloned he wouldn't get along with himself. That I know it is not his fault that the army messed him up, and that he had good intentions towards me and his neice. Just that this situation is not best for everyone, but i still love him and he's still my brother.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,218
347
83
#9
The message I would have gotten from her doing that, would be that my house was filthy and she didn't want to be rude by telling me so, but rather would clean it herself.. lol
I have helped people who were so messy that there were maggots crawling on their dirty dishes. I did it for the children that lived there. And I have helped people whose houses are always clean, it's just that of course dishes were dirtied in order to make dinner. I have never had anyone feel insulted, but only brought smiles to their faces.

I had this hymn playing in my mind...

"Give me the heart of a servant, tender and faithful and true. Fill me with love and use me O Lord, so that the world can see You."
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,218
347
83
#10
I gotta agree with Ugly. It's kind of...pretentious..of you to take it upon yourself to clean someone else's house, do their dishes, and especially to relocate someone's office!! If you had done that to MY office, I'd have been very upset. The guy said "someday" he'd move his office. "Someday" probably meaning when the boy was old enough to have his own room. NOT "someday" meaning when OneFaith takes it upon herself to do it without permission.. lol. If I was a better, I'd say the guy probably moved his office back where it was..

The one thing I thought of when I read your post was, you have extreme OCD and are a people-pleaser. A people pleaser to the point of super extreme overkill.. :/

Your brother wanted to commit suicide just because you didn't clear his plate? REALLY? He needs professional help.
The boy was eight years old, and the girl was ten. Yeah, my brother needs help, but what happened to him wasn't his fault. (Read post #8)
 

HoneyDew

Senior Member
Apr 30, 2011
2,109
267
83
#11
I don't want to be impolite.... chronically!

What are some of the ways you are polite when you go over someone's house for dinner? Maybe take off your shoes at the door? Maybe tuck in your chair when you leave the dinner table? I've somehow managed to go off the deep end. I do the dishes, wash the counters and table, sweep, take out the trash, etc. My daughter asked me once when we spent the night there "Did you just clean their tub and wash their toilet?" And I said "Yeah, well, I don't want to be rude." You may not mean to be rude but you have been indirectly.



I know I go way too far. If you know then stop. People may refrain from telling you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. There is a such thing as bounderies.
Like I saw their desk was broken, wobbly, and on its last leg. I bought them a new $370 desk, even though I'm poor and don't even have a dresser, I managed to pull it off.


Or like when I was babysitting for friends, a couple. We got into a conversation before they left. I asked why they have a three bedroom, yet their son and daughter share a room? The husband showed me how the third room was full of office equipment. He said someday he plans on setting it up in the living room so their son could have his own room.

I did it, while they were gone, In other words without their permission.
but it took three additional days to finish it. I set up the home office in the living room, cleaned the kids room, took apart the bunk beds, set up the boy's room, You did as you pleased in someone's home and redecorated as YOU saw fit.


and, of course, I did their dishes, and um cleaned their stove- which was atrocious. You basically came into someones home and took over and subtly insulted them by cleaning their stove.

I want to be known as patient, loving, forgiving, kind, etc. But some problems have developed from this. One is, while everyone goes to socialise in the living room, I'm in the kitchen scrubbing pots and pans. And what started out as a kindness is now expected. You put yourself in this position.

For example, my brother stayed with us for a few months. And every night I cleared of the table and washed the dinner dishes. But one night, after clearing my plate, and my daughters plate, I was interrupted by a phone call...

After being on the phone for well over an hour, I said goodnight to him and started to head to bed. He said "Aren't you going to finish cleaning up?" (While pointing to his plate on the table). I said "I'll do the dishes tomorrow, I'm tired, besides, you can clean up your own plate." He went into a rage. I calmly said "Everyone must pitch in around here, everyone has their share, even kids, and even you." He left, slamming the door behind him. He came back after a few minutes and said that I almost made him commit suicide.

Another time it was late, my daughter had school in the morning, and after dinner she hinted she needs to go. So I stated that I couldn't clean up tonight, and asked if they could handle this little bit? (That night was very little clean up). They said "I guess." very hesitantly, while looking at me puzzled and discussed. This person was just laughing and is now going about angrily and giving me dirty looks.

I am now known to be extremely nice, so if I stop will they think I stopped being christian? If I stop will my christian mindset become lazy?

I have stood in long lines, with only one person behind me, and let them go ahead of me. Then another person comes behind me again, and I let them, and several others go ahead of me, making for a seemingly never ending line.

I think you get the picture. Any thoughts? Bounderies.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,628
9,288
113
#12
The boy was eight years old, and the girl was ten. Yeah, my brother needs help, but what happened to him wasn't his fault. (Read post #8)

It doesn't matter how old the kids were. The father said "someday", meaning when HE wanted to move his office. You took it upon yourself, WITHOUT PERMISSION, to take and move all his stuff over the course of 3 days. He may have thanked you, but he was probably too shocked to do otherwise, and probably too polite to yell at you for doing it without his consent. So you did NOT do it for the kids. The kids room setup worked fine before you came along, and it probably worked fine after you left and the dad relocated his office back where it originally was.. Even if he kept it where you moved it, that doesn't make it okay to literally make a decision to move someone's possessions around without permission..

And I never said that what happened to your brother was his fault. I only said he needs professional help for what is obviously PTSD..
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,628
9,288
113
#13
I have helped people who were so messy that there were maggots crawling on their dirty dishes. I did it for the children that lived there. And I have helped people whose houses are always clean, it's just that of course dishes were dirtied in order to make dinner. I have never had anyone feel insulted, but only brought smiles to their faces.

I had this hymn playing in my mind...

"Give me the heart of a servant, tender and faithful and true. Fill me with love and use me O Lord, so that the world can see You."

How do you know for sure that they didn't feel insulted? They may have thanked you with a smile on their face, but that doesn't mean they did not feel insulted. So what if dishes got dirty making dinner? YOU didn't need to take it upon yourself to wash AND dry AND put away someone else's dishes.

Stop acting like an indentured slave who is eager to please others. Now people are gonna expect you to do everything for them. Cook, clean, wipe their noses.. God wants us to help others, but you deffo go overboard with it.. lol

What you SHOULD have done was mention the maggots to the person, and ASKED if you could help clean the dishes. Likewise, you should have asked permission from the dad to waste 3 days and move his office.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,628
9,288
113
#14
Excellent post, HoneyDew. :)

OneFaith, I hope you learn something from Honey's post..
 
M

Miri

Guest
#15
Onefaith, you sound very sweet and a lovely person.

There is nothing wrong with helping other people, just be
careful you don’t get walked over and hurt in the process.

There can be a fine line between showing the love of Christ and
becoming everyone’s skivvy.

Maybe you could weigh up that fine line by considering whether or
not the people could do it for themselves or not. That way you can
concentrate on those most needing the help, instead of those who
just can’t be bothered to help themselves.

A couple of years ago my aunt was in a care bed with a broken shoulder
for 6 weeks, then she came home but still struggling for 6 weeks, then
ended back in hosp very ill for 12 weeks.

I really struggled to keep everything together at home, while still
working and also trying to visit her every day.

The garden was a mess. A lovely lady who both me and my aunt knew,
offered to visit my aunt while I was at work. One day I even got home and
found she had weeded the garden. She is a Christian and in her 80s.

I was saddened that my own family refused to help, 4 strapping brothers.
But so grateful that this lovely lady had such a big heart.

SO don’t stop helping, just maybe be a bit more discerning about who really
does need your help. To them you will be an angel in disguise.
 

blue_ladybug

Senior Member
Feb 21, 2014
70,628
9,288
113
#16
The ones with the maggot dishes were definitely ones who couldn't be bothered to do their own dishes.. :/
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,218
347
83
#17
How do you know for sure that they didn't feel insulted? They may have thanked you with a smile on their face, but that doesn't mean they did not feel insulted. So what if dishes got dirty making dinner? YOU didn't need to take it upon yourself to wash AND dry AND put away someone else's dishes.

Stop acting like an indentured slave who is eager to please others. Now people are gonna expect you to do everything for them. Cook, clean, wipe their noses.. God wants us to help others, but you deffo go overboard with it.. lol

What you SHOULD have done was mention the maggots to the person, and ASKED if you could help clean the dishes. Likewise, you should have asked permission from the dad to waste 3 days and move his office.
If someone is even secretly insulted or angry if you do do their dishes, they will not show anger if you do not do their dishes, nor will they ask you to do them. Yes I have had times when I was eager to please others, but even then it was mostly to please God. But I have also had times when it was only to please God. We are God's servants, slaves of righteousness, but the way I channelled it was not right. "Offer your bodies as living sacrifices- this is your spiritual act of worship."

Besides, i know these people full well, we're close. I know by their conversations about how other people are toward them and how they react to it. They tell me everything and are not shy to say if they don't like something. They not only thanked me for setting up the office, kids rooms, and maggot dishes, they would even bring it up months later how grateful they are that I did that for them.

I'm just saying, but i really appreciate all of your comments. It is helping me to re-channal things so that I help in the correct ways. It's not that I have it wrong, helping is good, but i need to make sure it is a spiritual help to them, not a spiritual hindrance.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,218
347
83
#18
Onefaith, you sound very sweet and a lovely person.

There is nothing wrong with helping other people, just be
careful you don’t get walked over and hurt in the process.

There can be a fine line between showing the love of Christ and
becoming everyone’s skivvy.

Maybe you could weigh up that fine line by considering whether or
not the people could do it for themselves or not. That way you can
concentrate on those most needing the help, instead of those who
just can’t be bothered to help themselves.

A couple of years ago my aunt was in a care bed with a broken shoulder
for 6 weeks, then she came home but still struggling for 6 weeks, then
ended back in hosp very ill for 12 weeks.

I really struggled to keep everything together at home, while still
working and also trying to visit her every day.

The garden was a mess. A lovely lady who both me and my aunt knew,
offered to visit my aunt while I was at work. One day I even got home and
found she had weeded the garden. She is a Christian and in her 80s.

I was saddened that my own family refused to help, 4 strapping brothers.
But so grateful that this lovely lady had such a big heart.

SO don’t stop helping, just maybe be a bit more discerning about who really
does need your help. To them you will be an angel in disguise.
Thank you, that is a good thing to consider: can they help themselves? I remember thinking "They are working full time, barely have enough time for dinner, just to go to bed and do it all again the next day. They don't have time to also clean the house." But i also cleaned their house when they had a week off of work.
 

OneFaith

Senior Member
Sep 5, 2016
2,218
347
83
#19
It doesn't matter how old the kids were. The father said "someday", meaning when HE wanted to move his office. You took it upon yourself, WITHOUT PERMISSION, to take and move all his stuff over the course of 3 days. He may have thanked you, but he was probably too shocked to do otherwise, and probably too polite to yell at you for doing it without his consent. So you did NOT do it for the kids. The kids room setup worked fine before you came along, and it probably worked fine after you left and the dad relocated his office back where it originally was.. Even if he kept it where you moved it, that doesn't make it okay to literally make a decision to move someone's possessions around without permission..

And I never said that what happened to your brother was his fault. I only said he needs professional help for what is obviously PTSD..
Yes, it was post traumatic stress disorder, but also the experimental drugs they did on him. I know you didn't say that, I was just saying my thoughts, sorry if i made it seem that way. I truly appreciate your thoughts on this.
 

Angela53510

Senior Member
Jan 24, 2011
11,120
2,278
113
#20
You can come to my house any time you want, OneFaith!

In fact, because of my bad health, I pay $90 every 2 weeks for house keepers, because I just can’t do much house work any more. Yep, I would even pay you!

It it seems odd you come here complaining about how you do too much to help people, and then say they are thankful. Are you looking for thanks? Because their thanks will be your only reward!

As as for the brother, wanting to commit suicide because you wouldn’t clean his plate? Really? And ordering your daughter about? He needs to be gone yesterday! If it was just you, I would not be happy! But to have your daughter abused that way? Call the police and get him removed!