is staying with a non beilieving husband making me a sinner?
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D
These are not questions you need to answer online. These are questions you need to answer for yourself in the marriage.
What did he get by marrying you? Sounds like he got someone who settled. You didn't want to end the relationship, so you felt obligated to stay with him. You knew you could change him, so you didn't even like who you got from the start. And now you've been at it for a rough 20 years, ever trying to change him to the point of feeling like you're beating a dead horse. He's not a horse, you know? You're not happy? Is that what marriage is to you? Your happiness? Who is supposed to serve happiness on that plate? Is he? Did he settle for you? After all, he didn't get the woman he expected to get either. Sure, he knew you had changed in those last few months before marriage, but he got to know who you were and wanted to marry that woman. Instead he got a woman who wants him to change. He was what he was. How long has he been living with the woman who tells him he has to change? Who goes around constantly talking about God, but waits on him for her happiness? Who commits by browbeating? Who thinks she committed, but isn't sure? And, then, of all things, complains that you're manipulative and controlling?
It's obvious from your post you don't like the guy. It sounds like you haven't liked him from the very beginning. And it sounds like he doesn't like you either -- at least in the last six years. Exactly how long can you live with someone who doesn't like you? Because it sounds like his breaking point was 14 years, and yours was immediately.
Like is a choice. Love is a choice. Love is possible and full if it is gathered from God to pass along to others.
My husband is a truly likeable guy. 20 years ago, a guy I worked with was a likeable guy. Despite what many say, adultery isn't a mistake. Two people don't happen to be walking the same way, trip, and then fall into each other. There's first a thought. And then there are small actions that lead to bigger actions. That first thought entered my mind. It scared me. So I spent the next few days remembering everything likeable about hubby and everything unlikeable about my coworker. (Funny thing. My coworkers -- three of us -- decided to go out after work together for a drink and just to gab outside the confines of work. All spouses were invited too, but the only one who asked a spouse to join us was me. So three coworkers and hubby went out for a drink after work. It truly was fun -- a time when we told stories about life outside work. On the way home, hubby spotted something about that coworker I hadn't picked up at all. His stories were piles of braggery poop! They were also about military stuff, and I've never been in the military, so wouldn't know a true story from manure. Hubby was. And on the way home, he explained every that-can't-happen the guy told. The coworker was happily married and never gave any hint of turning his attention toward me, but that night I realized liking someone and loving someone truly is a choice. And I had made the right choice.)
I suspect you need to do something. I think you know it too or it wouldn't be on your signature. Who threw that first stone in your marriage? As I said, no one falls into adultery by mistake. It's a thought first. You sound like someone who left him long ago. That IS adultery, just as my thought was adultery. How long was he supposed to hold out after his wife left him mentally, even if she never left him physically? Can you in all honesty blame him for leaving you in return?
I don't know when Jesus left you in this marriage, but I know nagging can't replace him. Jesus sees you for who you are and chose you anyway. Can't you do the same for your husband -- instead of trying to change him to make you feel happy? Recently, I've been learning that happiness isn't seeing what I can get out of my husband. Right now he can't do a thing for me, but I'm happy just because I can be with him every day. The days I'm truly miserable are the days something keeps me away from him. I'm happy in making his life a little happier.
Isn't it possible for you to do the same thing with who you got?
What did he get by marrying you? Sounds like he got someone who settled. You didn't want to end the relationship, so you felt obligated to stay with him. You knew you could change him, so you didn't even like who you got from the start. And now you've been at it for a rough 20 years, ever trying to change him to the point of feeling like you're beating a dead horse. He's not a horse, you know? You're not happy? Is that what marriage is to you? Your happiness? Who is supposed to serve happiness on that plate? Is he? Did he settle for you? After all, he didn't get the woman he expected to get either. Sure, he knew you had changed in those last few months before marriage, but he got to know who you were and wanted to marry that woman. Instead he got a woman who wants him to change. He was what he was. How long has he been living with the woman who tells him he has to change? Who goes around constantly talking about God, but waits on him for her happiness? Who commits by browbeating? Who thinks she committed, but isn't sure? And, then, of all things, complains that you're manipulative and controlling?
It's obvious from your post you don't like the guy. It sounds like you haven't liked him from the very beginning. And it sounds like he doesn't like you either -- at least in the last six years. Exactly how long can you live with someone who doesn't like you? Because it sounds like his breaking point was 14 years, and yours was immediately.
Like is a choice. Love is a choice. Love is possible and full if it is gathered from God to pass along to others.
My husband is a truly likeable guy. 20 years ago, a guy I worked with was a likeable guy. Despite what many say, adultery isn't a mistake. Two people don't happen to be walking the same way, trip, and then fall into each other. There's first a thought. And then there are small actions that lead to bigger actions. That first thought entered my mind. It scared me. So I spent the next few days remembering everything likeable about hubby and everything unlikeable about my coworker. (Funny thing. My coworkers -- three of us -- decided to go out after work together for a drink and just to gab outside the confines of work. All spouses were invited too, but the only one who asked a spouse to join us was me. So three coworkers and hubby went out for a drink after work. It truly was fun -- a time when we told stories about life outside work. On the way home, hubby spotted something about that coworker I hadn't picked up at all. His stories were piles of braggery poop! They were also about military stuff, and I've never been in the military, so wouldn't know a true story from manure. Hubby was. And on the way home, he explained every that-can't-happen the guy told. The coworker was happily married and never gave any hint of turning his attention toward me, but that night I realized liking someone and loving someone truly is a choice. And I had made the right choice.)
I suspect you need to do something. I think you know it too or it wouldn't be on your signature. Who threw that first stone in your marriage? As I said, no one falls into adultery by mistake. It's a thought first. You sound like someone who left him long ago. That IS adultery, just as my thought was adultery. How long was he supposed to hold out after his wife left him mentally, even if she never left him physically? Can you in all honesty blame him for leaving you in return?
I don't know when Jesus left you in this marriage, but I know nagging can't replace him. Jesus sees you for who you are and chose you anyway. Can't you do the same for your husband -- instead of trying to change him to make you feel happy? Recently, I've been learning that happiness isn't seeing what I can get out of my husband. Right now he can't do a thing for me, but I'm happy just because I can be with him every day. The days I'm truly miserable are the days something keeps me away from him. I'm happy in making his life a little happier.
Isn't it possible for you to do the same thing with who you got?
depleted I understand your point of view however you are seeing a small potion of a 20 year relationship and you are assuming i checked out long long ago that is far from the truth I was with him for not even a year before he started cheating on me and sleeping with other woman I was raising our 3month old baby while he was out sleeping with his ex and not even trying to be there for me then he would come home and he would use threats and control and what ever means he could to make me feel like his actions were my fault so this affair stuff went on for years and the abuse verbally and other also did. I finally left him when our daughter was 2 years old the thing is Even though i was broken I still loved him for some reason and only GOD knows why I still loved him at this point so I went back to him and when i did my children were with family and he came to my house with a loaded 22 and threatened to shoot himself on front of me because I was never to leave him again and I was to promise. So I did promise to spare his life and mine cause I had no idea if he would hurt me also. After this we have been together and he has still proceeded to cheat and etc... In 2010 I became a christian and I still wanted to try very hard to fix my husbands heart and soul maybe i though one of these days I would get through to him anyhow I was not wanting to live a life of sleeping with someone and not being married to them. So I did marry him yes was it the best thing to do I have no idea at that time I had been with him for over 15 years I had been threatened abused broke down and belittled and I still put my own needs aside to try to please him I was on auto everyday I woke up felt horrible about myself went to bed felt horrible about myself I gave up on ever being happy I gave up on every being joyful and all that stuff. You see when you have been beat down to the ground you do what you have to do just to get through the day. Maybe this does not make a bit a sense to most of you but I know in my heart it was what i felt was the right thing to do at the time. Now how ever I am starting to speak up a bit and not put up with being treated like a piece of garbage and I am bad for that well then how dare me to want to figure out if I am the bad one for not wanting this life anymore. I am not saying it is all horrible to have to understand the abusive relationship it is control control control then suck up suck up suck up it is a roller coaster of making me feel worthless then he sees me pull back so then it is all lovey dovey to bring me back in so yes I am a little annoyed that you assume That I was the one that checked out first If i was smart I would have checked out and stayed checked out but when you fear for your life you do what you have to do to survive just before my one year anniversary the man gave me a STD thank GOD it was one that was not bad but non the same he did it anyway I have not been with anyone but him for well over 17 years and now I am at a point where I am not feeling as afraid if I were to leave but I did not want to disrespect God or myself and be unholy if I left him even though all that has gone on. I was not going to bring my whole life situation on here but maybe just maybe someone else may be in my situation that looks at these boards. so maybe it can help them also my advice is that if it feels wrong in the early part of your relationship it probably is wrong and to run far away but for me it was to late to just run far away I was invested and had a child etc... I know you were going by just the little part that I put up on here so I understand but it was not me that checked out first it was not me that threw the first punch or stone
Exactly how long can you live with someone who doesn't like you? Because it sounds like his breaking point was 14 years, and yours was immediately.
this is way wrong My breaking point was just these last couple of years when we would go out in public and he would treat me like a second class citizen and belittle me in public and talk trash about other people very openly in public I am afraid to go out with him that he may say something to the wrong person and get us killed that is how inconsiderate he is and does not care.
you know? You're not happy? Is that what marriage is to you? Your happiness? Who is supposed to serve happiness on that plate? Is he? Did he settle for you? After all, he didn't get the woman he expected to get either.
no marriage to me is when a Husband and a wife love each other enough to work out their differences not cheat on the spouse like he did to me and giving it your all and i think you can see that after 20 years of trying to give it my all and him not giving much at all that I am getting a big tired.
either way I am not here to debate who did what how when or where I was here to get advice on what would constitute as sin if i left or stay or whatever.
Exactly how long can you live with someone who doesn't like you? Because it sounds like his breaking point was 14 years, and yours was immediately.
this is way wrong My breaking point was just these last couple of years when we would go out in public and he would treat me like a second class citizen and belittle me in public and talk trash about other people very openly in public I am afraid to go out with him that he may say something to the wrong person and get us killed that is how inconsiderate he is and does not care.
you know? You're not happy? Is that what marriage is to you? Your happiness? Who is supposed to serve happiness on that plate? Is he? Did he settle for you? After all, he didn't get the woman he expected to get either.
no marriage to me is when a Husband and a wife love each other enough to work out their differences not cheat on the spouse like he did to me and giving it your all and i think you can see that after 20 years of trying to give it my all and him not giving much at all that I am getting a big tired.
either way I am not here to debate who did what how when or where I was here to get advice on what would constitute as sin if i left or stay or whatever.
D
How and when did "intense relationship" become threatened with a gun? This story above doesn't come close to this one --
When did he give you the choice to either be shot before he killed himself too or promise to stay with him no matter what?
Because the answer seems clear to me -- when someone threatens your life -- run ASAP whenever you are safe to run. I'm not quite sure when the gun got in this to figure out why you haven't run and keep running ever since?
There's one helluva big difference between "my husband doesn't respect me" and "Oh by the way, he forced me to make a promise to stay with him no matter what with a gun barrel pointed at me."
And why in the world would you decide now you're going to speak up now when I'm sure that gun didn't get thrown away?
You talk a lot about the basic stuff counselors teach abused women, but they don't teach that stuff until the woman gets out. This escalated beyond comprehension quickly. You're going to have to walk me through what just happened.
And yet, I really have to go right now, because hubby just got back in the hospital and I need to find out what's going on with him.
When did he give you the choice to either be shot before he killed himself too or promise to stay with him no matter what?
Because the answer seems clear to me -- when someone threatens your life -- run ASAP whenever you are safe to run. I'm not quite sure when the gun got in this to figure out why you haven't run and keep running ever since?
There's one helluva big difference between "my husband doesn't respect me" and "Oh by the way, he forced me to make a promise to stay with him no matter what with a gun barrel pointed at me."
And why in the world would you decide now you're going to speak up now when I'm sure that gun didn't get thrown away?
You talk a lot about the basic stuff counselors teach abused women, but they don't teach that stuff until the woman gets out. This escalated beyond comprehension quickly. You're going to have to walk me through what just happened.
And yet, I really have to go right now, because hubby just got back in the hospital and I need to find out what's going on with him.
My concern is that you seem to know so little of the Bible that you had to come here and ask us what the Bible says about divorce.
No, it is not a sin to stay with an unbelieving husband. One of my best friends married a man before she was saved, over 20 years ago, and he is still not saved. But he loves her and treats her with respect, love and dignity. They have a wonderful marriage.
So that is not the question. The question is why are you staying in what is basically an abusive relationship, and why you have confused "love" with codependency? Or unrealistic expectations, in that you knew what he was about, and you thought he would change.
People do not change themselves. Only God can change people. But if that person is fighting against God, won't give up his sin, then he cannot and will not change.
You have to decide if you want to grow old with an abusive adulterer. Because YOU are the one who has the choice. It doesn't matter if he is the father of your children, it is probably better for them to be away from him, and the selfish behaviour he is exhibiting. But that might be water under the bridge for you.
You need to get see a counselor and figure out what you want to do. As everyone says, your husband has given you ample Biblical grounds for you to divorce him. Try and get someone who will help you see the reasons you stay in this kind of negative and abusive marriage. Then decide if you have the strength to hire a lawyer and end the nightmare it seems like you are in.
Oh, yes! And do get out your Bible and start reading it every single day - for the rest of your life! God is not just there to grant your prayers and then you go do your own thing - including disobeying him. Get to know God in his Word, and also in prayer. I'll bet you haven't been doing a lot of that, because it is hard to pray when life is a confusing mess.
And I will pray that God will give you wisdom and show you the way you should walk, whatever way that is.
No, it is not a sin to stay with an unbelieving husband. One of my best friends married a man before she was saved, over 20 years ago, and he is still not saved. But he loves her and treats her with respect, love and dignity. They have a wonderful marriage.
So that is not the question. The question is why are you staying in what is basically an abusive relationship, and why you have confused "love" with codependency? Or unrealistic expectations, in that you knew what he was about, and you thought he would change.
People do not change themselves. Only God can change people. But if that person is fighting against God, won't give up his sin, then he cannot and will not change.
You have to decide if you want to grow old with an abusive adulterer. Because YOU are the one who has the choice. It doesn't matter if he is the father of your children, it is probably better for them to be away from him, and the selfish behaviour he is exhibiting. But that might be water under the bridge for you.
You need to get see a counselor and figure out what you want to do. As everyone says, your husband has given you ample Biblical grounds for you to divorce him. Try and get someone who will help you see the reasons you stay in this kind of negative and abusive marriage. Then decide if you have the strength to hire a lawyer and end the nightmare it seems like you are in.
Oh, yes! And do get out your Bible and start reading it every single day - for the rest of your life! God is not just there to grant your prayers and then you go do your own thing - including disobeying him. Get to know God in his Word, and also in prayer. I'll bet you haven't been doing a lot of that, because it is hard to pray when life is a confusing mess.
And I will pray that God will give you wisdom and show you the way you should walk, whatever way that is.
S
Gonna have to disagree with you on this one; there's a huge misconception that Jesus said that adultery was grounds for divorce. What He said in the relevant passage (Matthew 5:32) was: But I say this to you, everyone who divorces his wife, except for the case of "porneia" (Gk.), makes her an adulteress; and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery".
The key word there is the Greek word "porneia". On every other occasion in the NT that "Adultery" is mentioned, the word Moicheuo is used. What Jesus was referring to was marriage within the Jewish forbidden degrees. In other words, an invalid marriage. For example, if a woman cheated on her "betrothed" (in Jewish custom, betrothal was as good as being married). So Jesus was not saying that one partner engaging in adultery was grounds for divorce.
The key word there is the Greek word "porneia". On every other occasion in the NT that "Adultery" is mentioned, the word Moicheuo is used. What Jesus was referring to was marriage within the Jewish forbidden degrees. In other words, an invalid marriage. For example, if a woman cheated on her "betrothed" (in Jewish custom, betrothal was as good as being married). So Jesus was not saying that one partner engaging in adultery was grounds for divorce.
C
To Coby well I agree that lust demons can hop over especially between spouses because they become one flesh. I'm no marriage counselor like someone else mentioned but this person is reaching out and I guess we're all doing the best we can to help her. But it's like she already said the choice is hers whether to leave or stay so .listen qouting scriptures is fine but remember Jesus also spoke in parables to the unlearned not saying that anyone on here is unlearned I'm just trying to make a point. Sometimes people just need to hear how someone else in a similar situation as theirs coped or how they got out. Now we know what the bible said about marriage and those were wonderful scriptures but maybe if someone shared a true testimony (parable) similar to hers it might shed some light? Just like you did Coby. As always I'm respectful of anyone else's views,opinions e.t.c and since I'm no-one's parent on here no-one has to do what I've humbly asked. It was just a suggestion.