I know He helps me in so many ways. He has blessed me many times over. And yet, I still feel this way. So if I apply logic than I conclude that I am supposed to feel this way. Probably as punishment for my past misdeeds. Now, it may also be that satan is making me feel this way. If that's the case and I resist his temptation, than maybe if he's busy f'n with me, he'll leave someone else alone. That at least gives me a purpose to my pain. But it doesn't lesson it. Does any of that make sense?
Your dilemma is in how you see yourself. You see yourself through the prism of sin and are reaping it's reward.
Your profile says you are christian. Ok,lets start from that really good news.
Now, we all have a mind,and we all have a sordid past. The human memory is a video documenting past events.
You are hitting "replay" of some shameful scene over and over and over.
I sometime get a "shudder" passing through me when I do what you are doing,knowing what I have done in the past is so horrible it is,in the natural,totally repairable.
Sooo,what do we do? Sit in defeat and shame?
No,we take action.
1) see yourself as forgiven. Make it a fact,not a feeling. Read the word ,as others have instructed,concerning this dynamic.
2) Get out of the emotional realm. This is where you are loosing. This is where you will continue to loose. Refuse defeat. Refuse shame. Kick it out. Never,ever,ever let that ounk and chicken and coward destroy you again.
3) see yourself as God sees you. FORGIVEN.
There are 2 kinds of shame.
One is where you transgress against yourself or man or even an animal in some shameful thing and they,it or the devil attaches shame to your MIND. Now you walk around with that THING strapped to your back.
The other,is shame we feel as we are in the presence of Holy God.
Both of these can be dealt with.
You need time in his presence. It is his presence that washes us. We are also washed by his word.
So,wash yourself,jettison that emotion and prism you see yourself through,get in his presence,worship him,and decapitate that sorry filthy demon.
Shame is an intruder. It is a punk and a coward. Kick it out.
Tell yourself " I will never,ever let that thing get me again"