Hello, I am at my wits end and need either encouragement or advice.
I am a 30 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We have been married just over 7 years and in that time we have taken on the roll of youth pastor (he is the pastor) for our church, and we have 2 children under 5 years old. My husband and I come from split homes; my parents divorced due to my biological father having multiple affairs and once the divorce happened he fell off the face of the earth, my husband's parents divorced but he is unsure what all was happening to warrant divorce. After we married I distanced myself from my friends as most were guys and I always knew that they all had feelings for me, most of them were very flirtatious, so I wanted to honor my new husband in keeping my friendships honorable.
My husband is addicted to porn. I know a lot of people have their own opinion on whether porn is ok or not, for me I do not believe it is ok as the Bible states that to look at another woman with lust you commit adultery and adultery is the only reason for divorce. I know, porn shouldn't equate to divorce but stick with me.
About 3 weeks into our marriage I caught my husband touching himself while looking at porn. When I confronted him about it he denied it and was such a good talker he had me apologizing for accusing him. It wasn't till months later that he confessed he was looking at stuff in that moment. A battle then started with me as I began to catch him more and more. I know his porn addiction is not my fault, he says he's been addicted since he was 12 and we didn't meet until our early 20's, but the fact that he was not actively trying to conquer this addiction really angered me.
About our 3rd month of marriage we had a huge argument as I stumbled across a video he had been watching on our laptop, he forgot to close it out I didn't go looking. During this big argument he told me he wanted to be honest about where he was, he told me how he goes through his female coworkers phones while he is alone in the breakroom to look at nudes they have of themselves and then proceeds to masturbate. I was broken in that moment. It no longer was just pictures and videos on the internet but now actual people I see weekly. I couldn't go to his work, I couldn't wear my wedding ring, I could barely look him in the eyes. I began to have the growing fear of "if he can do this then when is he going to start to sleeping with other women?" After every time he was caught in doing something by me he became more loving and more attentive for about a week, his guilt seeping in?
He went to the church pastor and talked about how he was worried for our marriage. We live in a small town and the pastor at the time just so happened to be my husbands ex-girlfriend's father so he was aware of the porn issue. This pastor encouraged us to go to marriage counseling and offered to pay for it, so we went for a 3 months. While there I would talk about my concerns and how I felt that he didn't want to give the porn up, but the counselor seemed uninterested and focused on my traumatic past and why I couldn't oversee the porn addiction for the man my husband is. During this time my husband accepted the role as a youth pastor and was hired by the church full time. Our pastor passed away shortly after concluding our counseling due to an illness, and the gentleman that took over as head pastor is my husband's mentor and "other father."
It was after the passing of our first pastor that I noticed my husband trying to get an old coworker to volunteer her time with him, this would give her 2 hours of being with him. I brought a concern to the new pastor about them being alone as this was the coworker my husband focused on for her nudes. He brushed me off and told me to trust him and that I shouldn't be mad at her and hold it against her (which I'm not angry at her, I'm embarrassed to know that my husband not only violated our vows but also violated this girls privacy without her knowing). I fought with this pastor about how unfair it is that he is seeming to be getting off free of his actions from every one but me. Later my husband started trying to look through other volunteers phones which set an alarm off for me as he works with minors who often forget their phones. He has not told me that he has snooped through a students phone but I honestly would not be surprised.
My husband had done 4 different Bible studies, been a part of 3 different groups that focus on men with porn problems, and now has Covenant Eyes on his phone. I know for some people becoming free from addiction is a process, so I asked 3 things of my husband: 1. Do not look at anything with our sons present or while he is watching them alone 2. do not look at anything in our bed as I needed a safe place and what better place than our marriage bed? 3. do not look at porn and then come to me for fulfillment. My husband has constantly broken all 3 of requests. I have stopped allowing him to be alone with our sons and have even purchased our oldest his own tablet for games that my husband has no access to. I have purchased a new bed for me (that he has already been caught looking at stuff in so I have no safe place), and he was caught looking at porn and then proceeding to have sex with me to relive himself.
We have recently argued over his porn problem as yet again, he is looking at things while getting our youngest to bed. I have become increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not a priority for him, my feelings seem not to matter to him, and our children are not getting the father they deserve. He says I just don't understand (and maybe I don't) but I have 2 wonderful sons that need to have someone fight for them. During this last argument I told my husband that I don't know if I can continue on down the road we are on together as now we have children. He has asked for one more chance to try and correct himself but so far I have seen no effort from him. He is still youth pastoring and we have the same pastor that replaced our first one, and I feel angry that our pastor is not taking this addiction seriously. I am angry that my husband gets to still youth pastor when he is struggling with this (i know absolutely no one is perfect, BUT he is in a leadership position and should be held to higher standards. Especially with his problem of going through other ladies phones for nudes).
Am I crazy? Is there anyone that may have dealt with this? At what point do I leave? I don't want to mother him in to getting help but I also do not want to sit around and wait forever for him to decide what he wants. Please help me......
