Marriage help

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Solemateleft

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
#21
Jun 25, 2017
13,864
4,029
113
#21
Dani, I hope you are finding peace during your struggles...

Here are some excerpts from one of the Christian Marriage seminars wife1.0 and I had attended over the course of our marriage.

What Women Want Men to Know:
I. Listen Slowly: They're not carburetors. (Note: don't try to fix them; or don't assume that what works for you will work for her)...
II. Turn TOWARDS your mate and NOT AWAY...
III. Women need to FEEL SPECIAL. (Note: yes, they are emotional beings - tune into their feelings - to dismiss their feelings is problematic)
IV. Let your mate INFLUENCE you. (Note: ie It's better to be married than to be right (or think you are right and miss her ques; if she is asking for help - let her influence what she deems would help her)

5 Things Women Need to Know about Men:
I. Men need RESPECT more than LOVE...
II. Men need to PROVIDE...
III. Men need Sexual Intimacy...
IV. Men do LOVE even when they don't COMMUNICATE IT well...
V. Men do know the LOVE word...

Four Painful, Leaky, Marital Habits:
1) Disrespect: Contempt, Criticisim, Anger, and Abuse...
2) Poor handling of Money...
3) Substance Abuse and Substances
4) Dishonesty and Infidelity

The Healing Habit of a Healthy Marriage = Forgiveness...
 
D

Dani1989

New member
#22
Dec 9, 2019
7
10
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#22
Hey everyone,
It's hard to reply to all, but just want to let you all know I have been reading the replies and am very grateful for the advice you are giving me. It's nice to read such open and honest opinions about my situation. I just felt like I needed to get some outside advice and hopefully more Christ-like opinions on our marriage situation. I see how some of it will work for my husband and I and I will try to implement what I can for my marriage.

God bless!
 
Nehemiah6

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
#23
Jul 18, 2017
26,074
13,777
113
#23
Dani1989 said:
My husband isn't always easy to talk to about this stuff either and he doesn't seem to understand it very well.
Click to expand...
1. As you know actions speak louder than words. There is always some time between supper time (after the children have been put to bed) and bedtime when YOU can take the initiative -- without saying a word -- and then have a sound sleep later. Perhaps you have never taken the initiative, so now it has become a battle rather than a pleasure. The underlying assumption being that you both genuinely love each other. If not then that's something else entirely.

2. As to anxiety, depression and stress, you can always ask your husband after supper to sit down with you and talk about the things that are bothering you, so that you both can resolve them jointly. Again, the underlying assumption is that there is genuine love on both sides.

3. But firstly you need to ask yourself why you suffer from depression. Once again, assuming you are a Christian, the antidote to depression is to hand your problems over to the Lord and be anxious for nothing after prayer, and at the same time sit down with a piece of blank paper with two columns. The headings for those columns would be PROBLEMS vs SOLUTIONS. Then you and your husband should sit down, do some brainstorming, and come up with solutions. TO EVERY PROBLEM THERE IS A SOLUTION. This should be written at the top and should become the principle for resolving problems.
 
D

Dani1989

New member
#24
Dec 9, 2019
7
10
3
#24
Nehemiah6 said:
1. As you know actions speak louder than words. There is always some time between supper time (after the children have been put to bed) and bedtime when YOU can take the initiative -- without saying a word -- and then have a sound sleep later. Perhaps you have never taken the initiative, so now it has become a battle rather than a pleasure. The underlying assumption being that you both genuinely love each other. If not then that's something else entirely.

2. As to anxiety, depression and stress, you can always ask your husband after supper to sit down with you and talk about the things that are bothering you, so that you both can resolve them jointly. Again, the underlying assumption is that there is genuine love on both sides.

3. But firstly you need to ask yourself why you suffer from depression. Once again, assuming you are a Christian, the antidote to depression is to hand your problems over to the Lord and be anxious for nothing after prayer, and at the same time sit down with a piece of blank paper with two columns. The headings for those columns would be PROBLEMS vs SOLUTIONS. Then you and your husband should sit down, do some brainstorming, and come up with solutions. TO EVERY PROBLEM THERE IS A SOLUTION. This should be written at the top and should become the principle for resolving problems.
Click to expand...
I think you were trying to be helpful, but you are assuming some things here and not understanding that there could be a lot more to the story. I think your view on this is narrow-minded. My husband is sometimes gone for around 36 hours at a time for work and sometimes he's working first or second or third shift and sometimes we don't know which time in advance either. Plus, maybe you don't have much experience with anxiety and depression, but it's not that easy to just talk about it and be fine. I have had anxiety most of my life and now I am having panic attacks too and trying to figure out the best way to deal with that. Sometimes I honestly yet hard to relax and pray and still my body won't calm down. It's not as easy as you think. And if you must know, I have to take care of things around the house, 4 young boys 7 and under, and homeschool them and it gets stressful. I try to do the best I can, but I can't do it all. So yes I get depressed because I feel my husband is hard on me and it's starting to get too much for me. We are working on things, but it takes time. Seriously, maybe think before you speak or type because no, you don't know the whole story!
 
M

morefaithrequired

Guest
#25
#25
Solemateleft said:
Greetings Dani welcome... I think you will like it here in the cc... Lots of amazingly honest, and gracious, sometimes outspoken and opinionated - but always loving, caring and giving of advice for those who are seeking prayer, friendship, support or just a break from their daily routine...

Given your scenario - I agree you guys should try to get some professional/Christian marriage counseling - for your benefit especially.
As it is evident that - just like any spoiled little boy - he is selfishly using manipulation to try to get what he wants whenever he wants it...
By giving in to his selfish ways you are only enabling his selfish behavior...

It is important for you to keep pumping the breaks to ensure a two way street here...

Albeit, rather than trying to find a stick (spanking/punishment metaphor) as a forcing function to correct his behavior - I suspect that using sugar (reward/benefit metaphor) would serve to be much more beneficial for the both of you.

The self-help material on this topic suggest Communication; Attraction; Date Nights; Daily Affection; and Setting the Mood are the keys to healthy intimacy in marriage.

Bottom-line: you owe it to yourself to strive to try to have a meaningful conversation on this subject (Communication) as a means to both resolve his selfish behavior; while also trying to help resolve your relationship feelings at the same time...
Consider asking him out for coffee and expressing your feelings to him - enlighten him that if he were to put forward the effort for taking you out on a date nite once a week, showing you some affection during the day and working a little harder to setting the mood (planning) that the experience is much more likely to be well worth his efforts...

Good luck
How to Keep Your Sex Life Healthy in Marriage

God Bless
Click to expand...
you must be a professional counsellor
 
M

morefaithrequired

Guest
#26
#26
Solemateleft said:
Lol... IMHO after looking over all of my recommendations to the OP on this thread and comparing objectively with yours it would appear that we are respectfully in violent agreement on all fronts save it would seem that where I emphasize they are in need of help, it would appear that you may disagree?
While your success story is commendable, did you also read into all of the OPs scenario challenges that he has no desire to talk/communicate with her on these topics... It would seem that her husband is very likely not cut from the same cloth as you...
BTW, I was married for 28 years and my wife 1.0 essentially did all the things I suggested as a means to open my eyes to her feelings. At the end of the day in an effort to save my marriage I arrived to apply both of our recommendations and some... But at that point it was too late as she/we did not get the professional/Christian counseling that was needed... At the end of the day she reached her breaking point.
My genuine concern for the OP is that she is potentially is on that same path...
God bless...
Click to expand...
your style of communication is far more respectful
 
Solemateleft

Solemateleft

Honor, Courage, Commitment
#27
Jun 25, 2017
13,864
4,029
113
#27
morefaithrequired said:
you must be a professional counsellor
Click to expand...
I must have missed my calling. I think it's just my good hearted Christian soul coming thru...
Funny, my Myers Briggs personality tests indicate counselor or advocate... I suspect I'm somewhat of an empath too...
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#28
#28
The only way someone can have sex every day/multiple times a day is if they LOVE sex, not just like it. A lot of women do not LOVE sex, regardless of what you see on TV. So therein lies the problem. If men view sex as a physical need, which I read a few times above, it is not really a loving act. Walking up your wife in the middle of the night for a "physical need" is plain wrong and selfish, especially if the wife does not LOVE it and views it as wifely duty.
 
F

Framer

Member
#29
Aug 28, 2018
60
33
18
#29
TheIndianGirl said:
The only way someone can have sex every day/multiple times a day is if they LOVE sex, not just like it. A lot of women do not LOVE sex, regardless of what you see on TV. So therein lies the problem. If men view sex as a physical need, which I read a few times above, it is not really a loving act. Walking up your wife in the middle of the night for a "physical need" is plain wrong and selfish, especially if the wife does not LOVE it and views it as wifely duty.
Click to expand...
Some women do like it. Maybe it’s just you🙂
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#30
#30
Framer said:
Some women do like it. Maybe it’s just you🙂
Click to expand...
A lot of women do not love sex the way men do for whatever reason (too tired, too busy, relationship issues with spouse, discomfort/pain, trauma from past sex abuse, etc.). Sorry, I don't know the exact figures. The saying that women clench their teeth while trying to have children and then fake headaches after holds some truth. I know a lot of mothers/grandmothers who would pass on sex if they don't get intimacy.
 
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