My experience with my husband's porn struggles

[silverdollar]

It's not just at places at work, it's all over cable too... It's always on those movie channels late at night, like HBO, Cinemax, etc. So yeah temptation is just constantly there.

Fortunately I haven't watched porn in a while, but still it's no wonder so many guys get hooked on porn, it's just everywhere now... At work, on the internet, on tv, in magazines, etc. It really is just sad.

bro idk it's not a big deal for me. i don't like the women that are all out there.
guys i know that are hooked are messed. don't even want to be around them. it's all they talk about.
you know, i try and do sports or whatever or hang out for a beer and they can't even have a conversation.
i used to be a gamer, but when i got saved it looked sick right away. i couldn't even play after a while.
it's harder in a way now because i can see it everywhere but i'm not tempted. i feel like i want to get away from it as far as i can lol

 

[eternall]

My experience with the whole porn thing is similar to yours. My husband is addicted to porn BAD, i didnt find out about his porn addiction till after we were married. The constant hiding and lying and just... it got so out of control. And then last year he cheated on me. Everyday i still feel so down graded and just... i feel everything he tells me or everything he does for me is just a lie or he is trying to cover up his own guilt by buying me stuff. I mean i am still married to him, but the anger, and the just........ i cant even explain to you how i feel. Or what is going on in my marriage. I question myself a lot about is this how marriage is supposed to be. The communication channel closed shortly after i had our first son. And till then its been just devastating, My husband has a lot of addictions. Porn, Gaming, and sex. And ive told him and told him and told him how bad it hurts me. Till this day i do not trust my husband. And since he has cheated on me the porn is the last of my concerns now. Now my biggest concerns are is he going to buy ANOTHER cell phone and hide it at work from me AGAIN so he can talk to some girl. Or when he mentions a girl from work it makes me wonder. And i am a stay home mom and i have a lot of time on my hands to "wonder" and believe me my mind does get the best of me at times. When i bring up God to him or any sort he shuts me down faster than a corvet. He flat out told me he does not want anything to do with God, and he will not have God in our marriage. But funny thing is he doesnt know God is already in our marriage and the God i serve is full of miracles. And yes i do ask myself if i should leave and get a divorce because of how un happy i am and how i do not trust him any more. But i believe the reason i have not left is bc i am scared to be alone, And since he has every single thing in his name, including bank account and he will not add me to anything, and i have no family here for what so ever. So i cant just pick up and go. My kids come first no matter what. And just being there for my kids letting them know everything is going to be okay. Well id rather see them happy than put myself in a position to lose my kids forever and them not be happy bc i am not there. I fee also if i left my husband will get the kids and he will custody. After being married to my husband and seeing how much he involves our 2 boys and helps take care of them. Im sorry but i do not trust him if he got custody of the kids. Im scared he will be on his game 247 and go to work and not pay any attention to our 2 boys.. Anyways.... there is alot more but u get the picture i know how it feels about the porn and all that. I cant put my guard down, ive been hurt way to much. But all i can do is pray

 

[SeanS]

Hi HEstolemyheart,

I am saddened to hear about the pain that you have experienced as a result of your husbands porn addiction. I am equally disappointed to read the many replies that contain unbiblical and destructive advice. Although I have never been married, and (since becoming a Christian) have not been addicted to porn, and thus have no first hand experience of your situation, I have spent some time studying biblical texts on this and similar issues. I believe scripture has the power to change people’s situations and hearts in a way that personal testimony doesn’t. Therefore in this post I aim to outline what the bible says with regard’s to 1) The moral nature of a pornography addiction 2) How your husband can overcome this addiction 3) The effects of a pornography addiction on your husband 4) The effects of the addiction on you and your children 5) Your responsibility in response to his addiction. This will be a very long post however, that is because the bible speaks directly and clearly to your situation in many passages. I am writing the post in a context that assumes your husband claims to be a Christian.

1) The Moral Nature of a Pornography Addiction
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Firstly, the bible is much clearer than most think in condemning the viewing of pornography and labelling it as a sin. There are two Greek words in the new testament which are sins and encompass the viewing or pornography.

1) Epithumeo (often translated as lust) which literally means ‘the desire for that which is forbidden’.

Any woman, apart from yourself, is biblically forbidden to your husband as God designed marriage to be between one man and one woman for life (Genesis 2:24). That’s why in Matthew 5:28 Jesus says ‘but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust (epithumeo) for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart’. When your husband views pornography he is exercising a sexual desire for a woman who is forbidden to him and thus ‘committing adultery with her in is heart’

2) Porneia (often translated as fornication, sexual immortality and sex sin) refers to contexts that are of a sexually explicit nature and are outside of marriage weather in mind or action. It is the word form which we get the English word ‘pornography’.

Mark 7:21 says ‘out of the heart of men proceed the evil thoughts, fornications (porneia) thefts, murders, adulteries’ and Acts 15:20 says ‘we write to them that they abstain from thing contaminated by idols and from fornication (Porneia)’. 1 Corinthians 6:13 says ‘the body is not for immorality (porneia) but for the lord’ and 1 Corinthians 6:18 says ‘flee immorality (porneia)’. Galatians 5:18 says ‘the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality (porneia), impurity, sensuality’ and1 Thessalonians 4:3 says ‘Abstain from sex sin’

As you can see scripture is crystal clear in condemning ‘epithumeo’ and ‘porneia’, in fact there are 19 more condemnations of ‘porneia’ in the New Testament alone. By viewing pornography your husband is mentally involved in that which is sexually explicit, thus committing this sin.

Someone on this thread has suggested that the fault of married men watching pornography lies in their wife’s inability to satisfy them sexually. In almost all cases this is untrue rather, the fault lies in married men’s unrealistic expectations. We live in a media saturated world where fictional ‘perfect relationships’ are on display daily and fool us into having incredibly unrealistic expectations (such relationships have never existed in reality). Such men then compare their marriages to those in the fictional media and feel unfulfilled, thus they seek fulfilment from viewing unrealistic pornographic relationships. Such misled and unfulfilled expectations however, are no excuse for either spouse to seek sexual gratification elsewhere as in 1 Corinthians 7:2 Paul says ‘to avoid immorality (porneia), each man is to have his own wife and each woman her own husband’. Thus if God has supplied a man with a spouse, she is all the sexual gratification he needs.

2) How Your Husband Can Overcome His Pornography Addiction
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Scripture makes it clear that all unholy addictions can be overcome (1 Corinthians 6:12), and as with all addictions being successful in resisting pornography is a matter of our thinking.

Galatians 5:16 says ‘Be filled with the holy spirit and you will not fulfil the desires of the flesh’. Ephesians 5:18- 25 also teaches us to be ‘filled with the holy spirit’. When we compare this passage to its parallel passage in Colosians 3:16-19 we discover that ‘being filled with the holy spirit’ is nothing more than ‘letting the word of God dwell in us richly’. That’s why David said in Psalm 119:11 said ‘thy word have I hid in my heart so that I may not sin against thee’. This has the effect of cultivating godly thinking which fills our mind and leaves us no room for the temptations of sin.

The writer of Hebrews in 12:2 puts it this way- ‘Fix your eyes on Jesus the author perfector of your faith’ and Paul writes in Phillipians 4:8 ‘Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, think on these things’. For the same reason in Colossians 3:2 he says: ‘Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth’ and Jesus said in Matthew 6:33 ‘Seek first the kingdom of God’. 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that whenever we experience temptation, God will provide a way of escape, cultivating such thinking allows us to identify and peruse that way of escape.

3) The Effects of a Pornography Addiction on Your Husband
​

It is incredibly important that your husband deals with his addiction in the biblical way sooner rather than later as the bible promises many negative impacts on a believer who lives in un-repented habitual sexual sin. A few of the main impacts are diminished love and joy, a lack of blessing, a lack of productivity, health problems, powerless prayers, perversion in action and divine chastening.

Diminished love and joy- Such sin will diminish the love existing between you and your husband and steal your husbands joy. 1 peter 3 verses 10-11 say ‘the one who desires life, to love and see good days …….. must turn away form evil and do good’

A lack of blessing- This sin will lose the blessing of God on your husband’s life. The same passage as above, in verse 12 says ‘for the eyes of the lord are towards the righteous’ and Matthew 5:6 promises Gods blessing for those who ‘seek after righteousness’.

A lack of productivity- This sin will also make your husband lose his productivity, Acts 5:29 says ‘abstain from fornication (porneia)……………. if you keep yourself from such things, you will do well’

Health Problems- The persistence of such sin will also bring your husband health problems. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says ‘flee immorality (porneia), every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body’. This verse is not talking about the defiling of a man’s inner body (i.e his soul), all sin defiles a man’s soul. This is talking about a man physical body. God has so designed this world that continued sexual sin brings about diseases, illnesses and health problems. That’s why after David committed adultery with Bathsheba he said in Psalm 32:3-4 ‘When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away Through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; My life juices were drained away as with the fever heat of summer’. David’s Circulatory, Salivary and Hydration systems started to weaken as a result of his sin.

Powerless prayer- Your husband’s sin will also lead to the weakened power of his prayers. 1 Peter 3:7 says ‘show your wife honour as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered’. When a married man dishonours his wife and his marriage (which God chose to reflect the relationship between Jesus and the church- Ephesians 5:21-32), God decides not to honour such a man’s prayer requests.

Physical perversion- This lustful sexual sin in the long term will most likely lead to your husband committing immorality and perversion in physical practice. James 2:15 says ‘when lust has conceived in gives birth to sin’. This verse alludes to the simple understanding that we find in all walks of spiritual life, ‘sin in thought leads to sin in action’. That’s why King Solomon said in Proverbs 32:7 ‘as a man thinks, so he is’. Studies have shown that nearly all sexual offenders say that the offences they committed were not the beginning of perversion but the end of a long line of pornography that kept increasing in perverse nature. Although not ever pornography addict ends up committing such extreme offenses, pornography like any addiction, always requires a stronger fix as time goes on and thus will always have an effect on the addict’s physical actions.

Devine chastening- Finally, God will bring firm discipline (in many forms) to the life of a believer who continues in un-repented habitual sin until that sin is dealt with. That’s why Hebrews 12:6 says ‘God chastens all those he loves’.

4) The Effects of His Addiction on You
​

The bible states that your husband’s sins will have a negative impact on three major areas of your life, these are your: emotional security, self-confidence and spirituality.

Emotional security- Ephesians 5:22, 6:1 and 1 Corinthians 11:3 teach that your husband is the head and leader of both yourself and your children. Therefore your family’s emotional security lies in his moral courage and stability. When a husband is morally strong and convicted, he supplies incredible emotional security for his family. That’s why 1 Corinthians 6:13 instructs men to ‘Act like men, stand firm in the faith and be strong’. When a Christian husband commits habitual sin however, he acts inconsistently with his stated beliefs. As the head, leading in contradicting directions sends a confusing message to the body (his wife and children) and confusion brings distress which ultimately brings a lack of emotional security.

Self confidence- Ephesians 5:25 teaches that a wife’s physical confidence with regard’s to her beauty lies in the way her husband treats her. This verse instructs husbands to ‘cherish their wives’. It is a husband’s biblical responsibility to make his wife feel treasured. The watching of pornography, in the viewers mind turns women into animals with their sole purpose being a man’s sexual gratification. This mentality causes the husband to somewhat depersonalise his relationship with his wife and treat her as an unappreciated sex object. This in turn causes her to feel un-cherished and less beautiful.

Spirituality- Ephesians 5:26 teaches that a husband must be his wife’s main earthly spiritual source, that’s why it teaches husbands to ‘wash their wives daily in the word’. If your husband ever used to spend time teaching you the meaning of the bible and how to apply it to your life, it is likely he no longer does so. This is because he would find doing so extremely hypocritical. Thus, when a wife’s earthly spiritual source dries up, she will find it much harder to thrive spiritually.

See my next post for 5) You’re Biblical Responsibility in Response to His Addiction​

 

[SeanS]

5) You’re Biblical Responsibility in Response to His Addiction​

The bible outlines two prohibitions on your part in dealing with this situation: divorce and marital sexual abstinence, and three main responsibilities: church discipline, pure living and fervent prayer.

Divorce- Matthew 19:6 teaches that when you married your husband God joined your spirits together and you became ‘one flesh’, therefore he says ‘what God has joined together, let no man separate’ and Malachi 2:16 teaches that God hates divorce. The bible does however allow divorce in two circumstances. 1) On the grounds of adultery (Matthew 5:32) and 2) For those believers who are married to an unbeliever who no longer consents to live with them (1 Corinthians 7:13). Therefore in your current situation biblically, you have no grounds for divorce unless your husband commits the physical act of adultery. Scripture tells us that getting divorced and then re-married is an act of adultery in and of itself which ultimately will cause you to miss out on God’s blessing (Matthew 5:32).

Marital Sexual Abstinence- Scripture teaches that marital sex should keep married couples from committing sex sin, 1 Corinthians 7:5 says ‘Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control’. Both a husband and wife should be willing to attempt to fulfil each others sexual desires (if they are within the context of marriage). Hebrews 13:4 teaches that ‘the marriage bed is undefiled’. therefore all actions that are done within the bounds of marriage (between a married man and woman) are biblically permissible. By continuing a sexually active and fulfilling life with your husband, you are fulfilling your biblical roles in this area and giving him all he should require for sexual satisfaction. Thus he will have no excuse to seek satisfaction from pornography.

Church discipline- Scripture teaches that it is your responsibility to submit to your husband, however it is his responsibility to submit to his pastor/church elders (Hebrews 13:17). So when your husband is living in sin, you have to appeal to his earthly authority. Matthew 18:15-17 outlines how church discipline must take place. Verse 15 says that you must firstly go and warn your husband of his sin and explain why it is sinful. Verse 16 says if he doesn’t repent you must inform your pastor of his sin. Both yourself and your pastor must then together talk with your hsuband and call him to repentance. If he still doesn’t stop such sin verse 17 says the pastor must announce his sin to the church. Finally, if he is still unrepentant the pastor must admonish the church not to have any contact with your husband. In Ephesians 5:3 Paul says ‘immorality (porneia) must not even be named amongst’ those who are in the church and in verse 11 he teaches that when the church associates with people living in such sin they affirm the sin and ‘participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness’, he says instead the church should expose such deeds. 2 Thessalonians 3:6 affirms this concept and teaches that the members of the church are to ‘keep away form every brother who leads an unruly life’.

1 Corinthians 5:9-11 teaches us to use the same form of discipline and verse 5 tells us that when the church choses not to associate with a certain person on the basis of sin God literally turns that person ‘over to Satan for the destruction of their flesh’. This means that God will allow such a person to undergo severe pain from the devil until they repent. The verse finishes by saying ‘so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the lord’. This means that if the person is truly saved the discipline will cause them to change. However if the person is not truly saved they will renounce the name of God and realise that are not a true believer. They then have the option to become born again and be saved ‘in the day of the lord’ (Judgment day), below are the cited passages:

Matthew 18:15-17- ‘15 If your brother sins, go and how him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector’

Ephesians 5:3- ‘3 But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints’

2 Thessalonians 3:6- ‘6 Now we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from every brother who leads an unruly life and not according to the tradition which you received from us’

1 Corinthians 5: 9-11, 5 ‘10 I did not at all mean with the immoral people of this world, or with the covetous and swindlers, or with idolaters, for then you would have to go out of the world. 11 But actually, I wrote to you not to associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler not even to eat with such a one. 5 I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. 9 I wrote you in my letter not to associate with immoral people;’

Although church discipline may sound harsh, it is God’s divine way of dealing with un-repented habitual sin before it gets out of hand and causes major destruction. When we decided to ignore the biblical method of dealing with such situations we are for the most part unsuccessful and the situation only gets worse.

Pure Living- 1 Peter 3:1 teaches that it is not your responsibility to insult your husband with words of anger, rather Peter instructs wives to ‘be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behaviour of their wives’. The idea is that when he sees your pure behaviour he will be shamed an embarrassed about his actions as you are showing him up, this may compel him to repent.

Fervent prayer- James 5:16 says ‘The fervent prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much’. Fervent prayer is that which is intensely passionate and persistent. If you are living a pure life, and praying fervently, your prayers will be very powerful and such can change your husband’s heart and actions.

Sorry that this post was so long however I thought it needed to be in order to address these important issues. I hope I have made it clear what the bible teaches on the sinfulness of your husband’s addiction to pornography and how to overcome his addiction. As I have highlighted, unless his addiction is dealt with soon, it will have more negative effects on your husband, yourself and your children. Therefore I believe you should consider the biblical guidelines on addressing his sin to prevent further damage to your marriage. Doing so will also help you to repair your marriage and cultivate a thriving atmosphere for the raising of your children. I will be praying about your situation.

God bless

 

[silverdollar]

i don't understand the problem.
it seems like it's no different than if the person went out and got hookers every night. why do you want a marriage with that person? calling it an addiction doesn't make any difference.
i wouldn't have any women that got involved in porn. even if it was my wife. i'd give her the choice to dump it all today or go.
no time for any of that. it's just dirty whoring.