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P
I would like to tell you my story maybe it will help. Me and my wife have been married for 15 yrs. about 10 yrs. ago she got caught up in internet surfing. For guys and it ended up that she had several affairs. among other things , and started saying it was my fault for working to much but I had to overtime because she wasn't working at the time. Then she started to say she hated me and wanted a divorce and I told her no! I wouldn't give her one I constantly pray for her I don't push back at her behavior. I tell her she needs to get back in the bible, I tell her that I do still love her and I am they for her,I don't bring up her past affairs because I have forgiven her! just as God forgives us thousands of times I will forgive her, and keep on praying for her.my advice to you would be ...patients! God knows you are hurt marriage is not just you two but its two people and God don't try to force what you want to happen let God do his stuff on him just show that you are still there for him just as I do for my wife s. live for Jesus keep in the bible, focus on the kids and be there for him. Jesus will take care of the rest. I truly hope this can help little. I said a prayer for you "YOU WILL BE FINE.PRAISE GOD"
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Do you think he is blaming you for his failure to achieve his original vision of becoming a missionary? This may not be your situation...but it does seem that husbands and wives tend to repeat the fall experience over and over again...placing blame on the other for their own failing. It's interesting that the only one who didn't make excuses for their sin was the serpent.
If that's the case the only thing I can think of doing is to encourage him to get out there and serve others in some capacity. Your active encouragement may change his viewpoint. But you're probably already doing this. Try to get him to talk about his disappointments...maybe that will bring something out into the light. Christian counseling may help. Just opening up the communication lines can be a huge step.
Praying for guidance for you!
A long time ago in Africa there was this missionary called David Livingstone. His father-in-law Robert Moffat, who had a mission station at Kuruman in the Northern Cape Province. Moffat spent ten years before he had his first convert from the local BaTswana people. How many missionaries today would be supported so long without any apparent sucess. He worked another 40 years before handing the mission over to his son and returned to Britain.
David Livingstone taught a Tswana chief to read with the Bible his father-in-law translated into Tswana. They had a disagreement as Livingstone thought the chief was a backslider. However a few years later some missionaries headed into areas of what is now Zimbabwe thinking that they would be first to bring the Gospel to the tribe there, but to their surprise, there were churches and people preaching Christ. Unbeknown to Livingstone and the other missionaries, the "backsliding" Tswana chief had been there before them.
We should first look to our family and when we are satisfied we have done enough there, only then should we be looking beyond. But at all times it is God who directs and God works wonders that we are often unaware of.
In missionary work it is doing God's work where God plants us. Some plant seeds, others nurture, others water, and still others reap. And in all that we need to trust God for His work.
David Livingstone taught a Tswana chief to read with the Bible his father-in-law translated into Tswana. They had a disagreement as Livingstone thought the chief was a backslider. However a few years later some missionaries headed into areas of what is now Zimbabwe thinking that they would be first to bring the Gospel to the tribe there, but to their surprise, there were churches and people preaching Christ. Unbeknown to Livingstone and the other missionaries, the "backsliding" Tswana chief had been there before them.
We should first look to our family and when we are satisfied we have done enough there, only then should we be looking beyond. But at all times it is God who directs and God works wonders that we are often unaware of.
In missionary work it is doing God's work where God plants us. Some plant seeds, others nurture, others water, and still others reap. And in all that we need to trust God for His work.
C
Being married to someone—even a fellow Christian—who turns out to be very different from what you expected can definitely be difficult. (1 Cor. 7:28) Still, no matter how challenging the situation is, true Christians know that an unscriptural divorce is not an acceptable solution to problems associated with an unhappy union. Hence, those who keep on working hard to preserve their marriage because they want to remain faithful to their wedding vow deserve respect and loving help from the Christian congregation. Trials presents themselves in every form and fashion. The Bible writer James states “ 2 Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you meet with various trials, 3 knowing as you do that this tested quality of your faith produces endurance. 4 But let endurance complete its work, so that you may be complete and sound in all respects, not lacking in anything.5 So if any one of you is lacking in wisdom, let him keep asking God, for he gives generously to all and without reproaching, and it will be given him.” True tests of faith and love are never easy, but faithful endurance of such results is God’s approval and rich blessings.” Every true Christians is tested in some way, no one gets a free ride.! That being said however, an innocent mate does not have to suffer the neglect of a mate who is committing scriptural violations that gives the innocent mate valid scriptural grounds for divorce or separation. The prayers of faithful ones will be offered in your behalf.
B
DearSister. Chip Ingram who has a ministry called Living on the Edge has some interesting insights and a personal self assessment which helps husbands and wives see where their priorities have changed. Often spouses neglect the intimacy they had before the children come into their lives. Typically the man loses his wifes affection as she now moves from time with God and husband. Then the attention moves from almost completely off of husband to children and chores or carreer. The husband becomes a silent partner. The wife now gets lots of attention and praise from her children and from friends or office workers. The husband often feels that its wrong to want attention since this is competing for your love with his own children. intimacy is lost for too many years. Many husbands just give up and are confused as to how to deal with this. Now you still have a 6 year old. Still no husband and wife relationship. just father and mother . My wife felt the loss when she went to work and i stayed home. We finally talked this over and we are still in love after 30 years. God bless you sister that you miss your husband. If you still believe in him then ask God to direct your steps to healing your marriage. In Christ. Larry Sherman.
A
There's a reason you feel like something is missing in your life. People who seemingly have everything can still feel empty inside. Unless you have something inside you which is not dependent on anything outside, unless you have intimacy with God, no matter how much you achieve, you will still feel empty. There is a big God-shaped hole in the middle of your heart that can be satisfied only by God. In human relationships one of the major mistakes we make is of handing over our heart to loved ones and expecting them to take over God’s job. Read more: Draw Near To God: Stop Expecting Others To Make You Whole
I am so sorry to hear your husband has become cold and distant, for unknown reasons. Sometimes the not knowing hurts as much as the distance.
I do not think you should leave this marriage, but instead believe and trust God for restoration. Your husband is probably not a talker, so you have to do things for him that do not involve talking, but maybe touching or serving.
And of course, prayer. My husband has sometimes been very down in the dumps about his relationship with God. We both wanted to go to the mission field, but between children and his steady job he would not leave, it never happened. That is more a source of grief to me, though. If your husband feels that in some way you kept him from fulfilling his call in God, (not saying you did, just that he perceives that to be the truth!) he may be blaming you.
Perhaps he is drowning in self pity. As for as you being a care-giver, that is a term that is used more for the elderly and the disabled. You should not be a care giver for a grown man, and perhaps that is suffocating him. He needs a faithful and loving partner, not someone who does everything for him and ends up running his life or controlling him.
I also think you need to find interests outside the home, or hobbies to gain some self worth. Codependency is very draining on a marriage, and if you found some things that did not involve "care-giving" he might feel less suffocated. Of course, I am only guessing at this, since I do not know either of you, but "care-giver" is a definite warning signal to me. Now, that does not mean you don't care for the children, the home, or your husband, but you do it in such a way to let the other people grow, to develop in Christ, and in maturity, not because you have a need to be in control. Stop thinking of your family as disabled, and that you need to care for them. Instead, think of them as God's gifts for you to love, and to nurture into mature adults and Christians.
If this is totally out of line, then forgive me for the suggestion.
Praying for restoration of a loving, Christian marriage.
I do not think you should leave this marriage, but instead believe and trust God for restoration. Your husband is probably not a talker, so you have to do things for him that do not involve talking, but maybe touching or serving.
And of course, prayer. My husband has sometimes been very down in the dumps about his relationship with God. We both wanted to go to the mission field, but between children and his steady job he would not leave, it never happened. That is more a source of grief to me, though. If your husband feels that in some way you kept him from fulfilling his call in God, (not saying you did, just that he perceives that to be the truth!) he may be blaming you.
Perhaps he is drowning in self pity. As for as you being a care-giver, that is a term that is used more for the elderly and the disabled. You should not be a care giver for a grown man, and perhaps that is suffocating him. He needs a faithful and loving partner, not someone who does everything for him and ends up running his life or controlling him.
I also think you need to find interests outside the home, or hobbies to gain some self worth. Codependency is very draining on a marriage, and if you found some things that did not involve "care-giving" he might feel less suffocated. Of course, I am only guessing at this, since I do not know either of you, but "care-giver" is a definite warning signal to me. Now, that does not mean you don't care for the children, the home, or your husband, but you do it in such a way to let the other people grow, to develop in Christ, and in maturity, not because you have a need to be in control. Stop thinking of your family as disabled, and that you need to care for them. Instead, think of them as God's gifts for you to love, and to nurture into mature adults and Christians.
If this is totally out of line, then forgive me for the suggestion.
Praying for restoration of a loving, Christian marriage.
H
I am a Christian, who happens to be a psychotherapist. Research shows that counselling & / or Psychotherapy is very helpful. This is not because women need it 'more' than men. I see both men and women. Women come as they usually believe it will help, men come because they want to try 'anything'. AND they are usually amazed at the learning and the freedom they find. Am i good? no. Research shows that it actually does not matter the training model the therapist uses, it is all about the therapist being honest, loving and listening. Why is there such a growth in counselling? because we have lost the church. We have lost the family and we have become more fractured and scattered, families becoming 'blended' and more complicated. We should embrace counselling, where it is offered in a professional & qualified way. Does it help? yes it does. I recommend that everyone should undergo some sessions, if open to the experience, you will grow and be a stronger more resilient human being. God Bless <><
T
Re: My husband says he no longer loves me like a wife...update
Well My husbandhas been in Florida about 3 weeks now. He didn't call or text me much this time but he normally doesn't I guess. I really noticed this time though. I guess he called and talked to the boys maybe 3 times total and only a few minutes at a time and me well I probably talked to him about 15 minutes total in three weeks and a handful of text he replied to...more me texting asking for answers then anything. He has been distant with me ever since he got home from terra huate...honestly ever since he got really bad depressed drinking when his mom died in '07 when I think about it. Its been really hard on me I miss my best friend so much but he hasn't been that person for along time now. Some days I do better, some days well I need him more and after too many of those days I don't do as well. Which only makes him worse...its my husband he is a rebel i guess he thinks he has to do something its not gonna happen period and he is mean about it. Its a chic thing I guess but sometimes we just need some tlc and to know we matter, taking that away hurts more then I can even tell you.
My husband been angry with me for a long time now, I don't know why and he just says its not so but it is, he looks for reasons to be mad at me if he can't find one he creates one. When I try to figure it out all I can come up with is I came between him and that crazy non responsible life style he wanted so badly. He blamed me for all the responsibility of a family, a family he loves wants to be the leader of but is bored with after a couple of days it just over whelms him.I don't understand it he is such a good daddy when he wants to be ...it just never last long.And I am mom, I love him, I liked having a good time with him ...we used to have the best time setting up half the night dancing listening to music talking about God life just everything...but it was just never enough for him I guess because at some point I have responsibilities of kids are my priority...I love them so much I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don't know My husband makes up all kinds of lies trying to justify why he treats me this way, but I think he is trying to convince his self as much as anyone so he doesn't have to feel bad for it, because anyone that's around more then a few days sees through dads BS cocktail he is feeding them.I don't say a word to correct it, I figure I shouldn't have to, if they believe the BS they aren't worth my time.My sonhas been here just over a month and He gets so mad at him...when he talks about his dad now you can hear the disgust and disappointment in his words. I think he has given up on him ever being better. Its so sad. He can see the disappointment in the kids eyes and it kills him but he just grabs another ditraction to try and forget. The kids are too old I cant shelter them from that side of him anymore and its all coming to light. I can't do anything to stop it. I don't know what to do anymore.
He started again about 2 years ago now, He cycles it gets really bad then its tolerable, then bad again. Then back in November he started doing the gone all night thing again. Hanging out with those same people from his running town again.He has done it once a month since then. The last episode was three days after Our son moved back in and was gone two nights and three days. He couldn't have picked a worse time, the last thing our son needed was dads chaos. But its how he is you cant stop him God knows I have tried.
He hasn't paid a single bill in four months now, I have worked my butt off and covered everything while he has blown over 2 grand a month then blew off my birthday and valentines day but bought our 12 yearolds crush 50 bucks worth of flowers it makes no sense.I love your him so much, I always have, but he doesn't listen to me anymore I have become the enemy. So he it just does that much worse now and doesn't care, no remorse.
Oh well he called me night before last about 2a.m. drunk Told me he wants a divorce. He is coming home tonight wants us to do the roommate thing till he can get a place in Henderson. He says he loves me but not the way a husband loves a wife. He says he used to but it just changed one day and he can't do anything about it.He needs me to still be his best friend he can't survive without that but not be his wife. its sounds crazy I don't see how he can believe I or anyone can do that. It's so unfair...I want my cake and eat it too? I don't know how love just ends that way, mine doesn't if I love you I love you for eternity good and bad i still love you.I try to think back, was I in some crazy delusion of denial and he never did love me. is that possible? Did he never really love me... I don't know anymore.
I keep running it all back through my head over and over again he left me twice, I never chased after him or ever asked him to come back. But out of no where I would get a call and he missed me, needed me and I loved him so much I never could say no. I truly believed he loved me or I would never have let him move in with me, be around around my daughter, come back after 2 years and knowingly leaving me pregnant with our son the first time and a few months the second. Why did he keep coming back? If he didnt love me Why? I just don't understand. And it scares me that he is going to do the same thing this time hurt me walking away then show back up again...and God help me what if he doesn't come back.What if because there is nothing stopping him from that crazy life I get the call and he has truly hurt his self or I have to find him like I did my mom? Its so surreal right now I don't know maybe I am in some kind denial but I truly can't believe it happening. He already has a plan has made the decision and all I can think is its gonna be oka he loves me our family somewhere in there and he would never leave me again, I am starting to think I am crazy. Can I be in denial and be aware of it? God wouldn't want this would he he wouldn't want me to give up would he?
I just don't know what to do, or what I am supposed to do. I don't want to get as sad as I did before...when he left me the first time pregnant with our son all I wanted to do was drive off a bridge somewhere, if it hadnt been for my daughter and son I would of, the second time I laid in bed for days just crying, trying to figure out what was wrong with me that he kept doing this. I still have all this responsibility these babies looking at me and all I want to do is crawl under a rock and not come out. I felt like I lost everyone. Sometimes I hate the fact that your he can hurt me that way, but I try to remind myself its only because I love him so much. Most people never get to experience that kind of love, I am one of the lucky ones. Is it possible that I love him that much and he doesn't love me back? I don't know, if its true it makes me the greatest fool that ever lived and I have never ever been one of those women I am fine on my own never needed a man in my life. I just don't know anymore and I feel like in the process of trying to keep him happy I failed all the kids...it just kills me...God help me. I am so so sorry .
I just don'y know what to do or how to translate his action anymore. Maybe I am just too close to the fault line. He sent may an email this morning...or I got it this morning he sent it in the middle of the night. it was a link to an article aIl about making your self happy. Its was an its all about you self absorbed article. I don't know if it was for me or just about how he was feeling. He didn't discuss it just sent me the link. It reminded me of how he described him and his exwife's life philosophy about its ME time, do whatever makes you happy is the point of life. I asked him then how all the kids fit into that, every one was still kids kids then not grown. All he could say was not often. We and I still have 2 little kids how do I do that? I don't know. He isn't talking about God at all now...I don't know who he is anymore.
I need some clarity, and I can't find it, if I have been crazy living in a delusion that he actually loved me or did he just need me I don't know anymore and I need to. . Just tell me what the heck I am supposed to do.
Well I have cried through most of this and now my eyes are swollen and my head hurts lol. I pick him up in nashville tonight, its gonna be a long three hour road trip home just the two of us...say a prayer for me would you?
I just don't know what to do my inner voice( I hope it's God) tell me stay calm it's going to be oka, just stay put and be patient. But am I just delusional in denial...I don't know anymore I just don't know.
Thanks
Praying Tamie
Well My husbandhas been in Florida about 3 weeks now. He didn't call or text me much this time but he normally doesn't I guess. I really noticed this time though. I guess he called and talked to the boys maybe 3 times total and only a few minutes at a time and me well I probably talked to him about 15 minutes total in three weeks and a handful of text he replied to...more me texting asking for answers then anything. He has been distant with me ever since he got home from terra huate...honestly ever since he got really bad depressed drinking when his mom died in '07 when I think about it. Its been really hard on me I miss my best friend so much but he hasn't been that person for along time now. Some days I do better, some days well I need him more and after too many of those days I don't do as well. Which only makes him worse...its my husband he is a rebel i guess he thinks he has to do something its not gonna happen period and he is mean about it. Its a chic thing I guess but sometimes we just need some tlc and to know we matter, taking that away hurts more then I can even tell you.
My husband been angry with me for a long time now, I don't know why and he just says its not so but it is, he looks for reasons to be mad at me if he can't find one he creates one. When I try to figure it out all I can come up with is I came between him and that crazy non responsible life style he wanted so badly. He blamed me for all the responsibility of a family, a family he loves wants to be the leader of but is bored with after a couple of days it just over whelms him.I don't understand it he is such a good daddy when he wants to be ...it just never last long.And I am mom, I love him, I liked having a good time with him ...we used to have the best time setting up half the night dancing listening to music talking about God life just everything...but it was just never enough for him I guess because at some point I have responsibilities of kids are my priority...I love them so much I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don't know My husband makes up all kinds of lies trying to justify why he treats me this way, but I think he is trying to convince his self as much as anyone so he doesn't have to feel bad for it, because anyone that's around more then a few days sees through dads BS cocktail he is feeding them.I don't say a word to correct it, I figure I shouldn't have to, if they believe the BS they aren't worth my time.My sonhas been here just over a month and He gets so mad at him...when he talks about his dad now you can hear the disgust and disappointment in his words. I think he has given up on him ever being better. Its so sad. He can see the disappointment in the kids eyes and it kills him but he just grabs another ditraction to try and forget. The kids are too old I cant shelter them from that side of him anymore and its all coming to light. I can't do anything to stop it. I don't know what to do anymore.
He started again about 2 years ago now, He cycles it gets really bad then its tolerable, then bad again. Then back in November he started doing the gone all night thing again. Hanging out with those same people from his running town again.He has done it once a month since then. The last episode was three days after Our son moved back in and was gone two nights and three days. He couldn't have picked a worse time, the last thing our son needed was dads chaos. But its how he is you cant stop him God knows I have tried.
He hasn't paid a single bill in four months now, I have worked my butt off and covered everything while he has blown over 2 grand a month then blew off my birthday and valentines day but bought our 12 yearolds crush 50 bucks worth of flowers it makes no sense.I love your him so much, I always have, but he doesn't listen to me anymore I have become the enemy. So he it just does that much worse now and doesn't care, no remorse.
Oh well he called me night before last about 2a.m. drunk Told me he wants a divorce. He is coming home tonight wants us to do the roommate thing till he can get a place in Henderson. He says he loves me but not the way a husband loves a wife. He says he used to but it just changed one day and he can't do anything about it.He needs me to still be his best friend he can't survive without that but not be his wife. its sounds crazy I don't see how he can believe I or anyone can do that. It's so unfair...I want my cake and eat it too? I don't know how love just ends that way, mine doesn't if I love you I love you for eternity good and bad i still love you.I try to think back, was I in some crazy delusion of denial and he never did love me. is that possible? Did he never really love me... I don't know anymore.
I keep running it all back through my head over and over again he left me twice, I never chased after him or ever asked him to come back. But out of no where I would get a call and he missed me, needed me and I loved him so much I never could say no. I truly believed he loved me or I would never have let him move in with me, be around around my daughter, come back after 2 years and knowingly leaving me pregnant with our son the first time and a few months the second. Why did he keep coming back? If he didnt love me Why? I just don't understand. And it scares me that he is going to do the same thing this time hurt me walking away then show back up again...and God help me what if he doesn't come back.What if because there is nothing stopping him from that crazy life I get the call and he has truly hurt his self or I have to find him like I did my mom? Its so surreal right now I don't know maybe I am in some kind denial but I truly can't believe it happening. He already has a plan has made the decision and all I can think is its gonna be oka he loves me our family somewhere in there and he would never leave me again, I am starting to think I am crazy. Can I be in denial and be aware of it? God wouldn't want this would he he wouldn't want me to give up would he?
I just don't know what to do, or what I am supposed to do. I don't want to get as sad as I did before...when he left me the first time pregnant with our son all I wanted to do was drive off a bridge somewhere, if it hadnt been for my daughter and son I would of, the second time I laid in bed for days just crying, trying to figure out what was wrong with me that he kept doing this. I still have all this responsibility these babies looking at me and all I want to do is crawl under a rock and not come out. I felt like I lost everyone. Sometimes I hate the fact that your he can hurt me that way, but I try to remind myself its only because I love him so much. Most people never get to experience that kind of love, I am one of the lucky ones. Is it possible that I love him that much and he doesn't love me back? I don't know, if its true it makes me the greatest fool that ever lived and I have never ever been one of those women I am fine on my own never needed a man in my life. I just don't know anymore and I feel like in the process of trying to keep him happy I failed all the kids...it just kills me...God help me. I am so so sorry .
I just don'y know what to do or how to translate his action anymore. Maybe I am just too close to the fault line. He sent may an email this morning...or I got it this morning he sent it in the middle of the night. it was a link to an article aIl about making your self happy. Its was an its all about you self absorbed article. I don't know if it was for me or just about how he was feeling. He didn't discuss it just sent me the link. It reminded me of how he described him and his exwife's life philosophy about its ME time, do whatever makes you happy is the point of life. I asked him then how all the kids fit into that, every one was still kids kids then not grown. All he could say was not often. We and I still have 2 little kids how do I do that? I don't know. He isn't talking about God at all now...I don't know who he is anymore.
I need some clarity, and I can't find it, if I have been crazy living in a delusion that he actually loved me or did he just need me I don't know anymore and I need to. . Just tell me what the heck I am supposed to do.
Well I have cried through most of this and now my eyes are swollen and my head hurts lol. I pick him up in nashville tonight, its gonna be a long three hour road trip home just the two of us...say a prayer for me would you?
I just don't know what to do my inner voice( I hope it's God) tell me stay calm it's going to be oka, just stay put and be patient. But am I just delusional in denial...I don't know anymore I just don't know.
Thanks
Praying Tamie