My Mum is an Alcoholic... Losing Hope...

[littlelady]

Hi everyone,

I have been posting on these forums about various things lately, and while I've been home for Christmas one of my deepest struggles has been brought to the forefront again. I keep pushing it down and trying to forget about it because it is just too painful. My mum is an alcoholic, and has been for at least 11 years. I don't remember her not drinking, but I know there was a time she didn't, or not like this anyway. My dad left when 11 years ago when I was 16 and that was when things really went downhill. Although I remember her drinking a good deal when he was still here and in recent years he has confided that the behaviour my sister and I dealt with in the years following their split was behaviour he was shielding us from years before.

I understand that it is an addition and is a massive challenge for her so try to be compassionate but watching her get absolutely wasted every single night while I was navigating those tricky teen years into young adulthood was hard, and she has made so many promises which she broke within 24 hours. I have prayed for her healing for over a decade now and I just feel like it is a hopeless situation. My head keeps telling me God can do ANYTHING, but my heart is worn out. I have long moved out so am away from her drinking behaviour but staying with her the past few days has brought it all back. I worry so much for her and her emotional state. She refuses to seek any help, counselling or otherwise. It is obvious she cannot face it alone, and I don't honestly feel equipped to help her.

I have tried multiple strategies, done heaps of research, sought counsel from trusted friends, and of course talked with her over and over. Sometimes angry, sometimes upset, sometimes disengaged if I'm honest. Nothing resonates with her. I have prayed and prayed; sought prayer from our team in church. It seems endless. I don't want her to live the rest of her life like this, either drunk or hungover. Only half aware of the world moving around her. She used to be heavily involved in a church when she was my age but over the years drifted away, and now refuses to step foot in one. A few years ago my sister and I discovered she was gay, and this is something she has been hiding for decades. My grandparents are very religious and I don't think she will ever tell them. I don't know if this suppression has caused her drinking habit to begin or not. I still don't cope very well with it, because she is my mum and it is just so strange to me if I'm honest, but we just don't talk about it.

I will keep praying, but I am scared that by praying with such a hopeless and even faithless attitude I am hurting God and offending Him. I know how deeply He loves me, and my mum, and if He healed her of this addiction her testimony would be a beautiful thing that may lead many to Him. I used to believe He would heal her, but I just can't get my head to believe it anymore, and I feel ashamed for feeling this way.

 

[Ugly]

Firstly i doubt God is offended or upset with you for feeling discouraged, yet still maintaining enough faith and hope to continue praying.
Secondly, praying for others is a tricky prospect. People have free will and praying for them doesn't mean they are pushed to do things against their will, it's praying that the person will come around by their own choice and that God will help to prompt it. But a prompting is not a guarantee.
That said, people many times don't make an outward showing of their internal challenge and changes. Which is difficult. It's possible there is more going in internally and that God's prompting may be more effective than she's showing. Or possibly not. There is no easy answer in this situation.

It's a difficult situation for you and i'm sorry you're dealing with it. I know my response may seem redundant to what you're feeling, but sometimes having things reframed can help. Or having things that you know stated clearly by another source. I suggest keep praying, and stop feeling guilty. The guilt isn't helping you, it's hurting you. You're human, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling.

 

[maxwel]

God is capable of giving you peace.

Beyond that... we often just don't know.

I recommend posting in the women's forum, and maybe going into the live chat to find some other women to talk to.
We live in a pretty messed up world, I'm sure there are other people here who've gone through the exact same things.
If you pray, and look, I'm sure you'll find people who've dealt with the same things... so you'll have people to talk to.

 

[Depleted]

Hi everyone,

I have been posting on these forums about various things lately, and while I've been home for Christmas one of my deepest struggles has been brought to the forefront again. I keep pushing it down and trying to forget about it because it is just too painful. My mum is an alcoholic, and has been for at least 11 years. I don't remember her not drinking, but I know there was a time she didn't, or not like this anyway. My dad left when 11 years ago when I was 16 and that was when things really went downhill. Although I remember her drinking a good deal when he was still here and in recent years he has confided that the behaviour my sister and I dealt with in the years following their split was behaviour he was shielding us from years before.

I understand that it is an addition and is a massive challenge for her so try to be compassionate but watching her get absolutely wasted every single night while I was navigating those tricky teen years into young adulthood was hard, and she has made so many promises which she broke within 24 hours. I have prayed for her healing for over a decade now and I just feel like it is a hopeless situation. My head keeps telling me God can do ANYTHING, but my heart is worn out. I have long moved out so am away from her drinking behaviour but staying with her the past few days has brought it all back. I worry so much for her and her emotional state. She refuses to seek any help, counselling or otherwise. It is obvious she cannot face it alone, and I don't honestly feel equipped to help her.

I have tried multiple strategies, done heaps of research, sought counsel from trusted friends, and of course talked with her over and over. Sometimes angry, sometimes upset, sometimes disengaged if I'm honest. Nothing resonates with her. I have prayed and prayed; sought prayer from our team in church. It seems endless. I don't want her to live the rest of her life like this, either drunk or hungover. Only half aware of the world moving around her. She used to be heavily involved in a church when she was my age but over the years drifted away, and now refuses to step foot in one. A few years ago my sister and I discovered she was gay, and this is something she has been hiding for decades. My grandparents are very religious and I don't think she will ever tell them. I don't know if this suppression has caused her drinking habit to begin or not. I still don't cope very well with it, because she is my mum and it is just so strange to me if I'm honest, but we just don't talk about it.

I will keep praying, but I am scared that by praying with such a hopeless and even faithless attitude I am hurting God and offending Him. I know how deeply He loves me, and my mum, and if He healed her of this addiction her testimony would be a beautiful thing that may lead many to Him. I used to believe He would heal her, but I just can't get my head to believe it anymore, and I feel ashamed for feeling this way.

First, God does not need your consent, enthusiasm, drummed-up determination, or five dollars in the collection plate to do with her what he will do with her. He is God. He can do anything, without us.

And yes, he does say to pray and keep praying, so keep praying. That's for your benefit, not his. He's got this handled -- for better or worse. Prayer is to bring you back to his will. For you to trust him whatever his will is on the grounds that his will is always perfect and good.

Second, there is only one thing that changes people's behavior to the good -- the real good. His name is God. Alcoholism is a symptom of a problem. It is not the problem. Why talk about the symptom? She likes the alcohol to hide in. Is that any different than us according to John 3:18-20? Talk to her about the problem solver instead of the problem, if she will let you. (My father will not let me.) Talk to her about God. She already knows the alcohol solves dealing with her problem. You keep telling her to stop using the one thing that works for her. Would you give up your one thing that works for you, no matter what anyone says? Of course not! It works!

So, what changes that? God! Talk to her about him.

If it is his will it will work.

And that's the hardest part to deal with, "if it is his will." My father is an alcoholic. He's been one for 70 years, and guess what got him to stop.

Wish I could say it was God, but it wasn't. He got dementia. And because he can't remember anything one of the things he can't remember is if he poured a drink. So he had about 12 drinks floating around the house until he stayed in one place long enough to drink that drink. And between remembering nothing important (like how to drive, where he was driving to, how to wash anything, and why not set the woodpile on fire), and remembering he likes to drink, the drinking went into overtime right when it was time to get him into assisted living. Prerequisite was detox before he went, so he was forced into it. Now all he remembers is to ask for a beer.

I'm still praying. Dad has been an alcoholic for 70 years. I can't lose hope. My father is presently heading for hell. Not something I want, so I keep praying. Will God answer Yes? He's the one who has to do it all now. Dad has no idea what I'm talking about when I talk about God. This is worse than it used to be, back in the days he'd yell at me and tell me I didn't know what I'm talking about. Now he is to not knowing what he's talking about.

Did you notice something here? I'm 60 years old and Dad was an alcoholic ten years before I was born. I became born again when I was 16, so 44 years of Dad on my mind. It can be that for you or you get the good side of this story. Either way, don't make her your life. Have your own life. And pray. And talk to her about living with God if she let's you.

And don't go home for three days if it's too much hell to be there. Schedule a hotel room for your stay or just stay for hours. Don't let her infect you with all she is. It hurts too much. Pray instead. Talk if possible. And no talk about God means nothing to say to her. Live your life for you, not her.

 

[SunsSunny]

Do not lose faith or stop praying for you mum! CS Lewis wrote in the screw tape letters that when a man has lost hope and yet continues onward it is a dire situation for the demons. He who lives outside of time will use the entirety of our lives to perfect us in love for the day He claims us as His Bride. My parents are avowed atheists who mock scoff and despise the topic of God, yet I am still confident that God will bring them to repentance. I don't see how it can be done, which makes me a bit more confident that it can be because God will certainly move to work a miracle for His glory.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Love your mum. Buy her flowers, hold her hand, go for walks. Seek the Lord in prayer and fasting. Do not give up! The prayers of the righteous availeth much! Contend for your mother ! And take time to delight in the Lord, not always in solemn petition but in joyful celebration of your own salvation, entering the bridal chamber with Him , in the secret place to find joy and peace which passes understanding.

Your mom is not an alcoholic and she is not a lesbian. She is a beloved child of God who has suffered at the hands of the enemy. Proclaim her salvation in your heart ! We were all wretched infidel God hating addicts before his supernatural grace brought our dead hearts to life. Pray for the miracle your mom needs, the very miracle you and I received! Do not despair or lose hope! Love her love her love her to life.

 

[Blik]

Dear Littlelady: Do remember that you are a child of God. We are to love others but give them free will to choose their own way. You are asked to honor your mother for being the person God used to create you, but that does no mean you are not to freely allow her to choose alcoholism. It is God's place to repay, not ours.

You have been placed in a very difficult situation to handle, God knows about it. God is using it for good for you, perhaps it has given you a strength you wouldn't have had. Perhaps you are to go to AA to join others facing this to have them help you or to give them help. God will lead you.

Paul told us to be content in any situation we find ourselves. As more and more people are not living with God everyone has the results to live with and endure. God asks us to do that, and by resting in Him and His love we can do it.

 

[Socreta93]

This is basically the theme of the song Scars from Papa Roach. Basically trying to help someone who doesn't want any help.
"I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life"


I'm not saying to give up praying and to lose hope but you basically have done all you can for her and I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

[Corbinscam]

realize you aren't to blame for your mothers behavior. Realize you can't fix her. Only her and God can do that. I know it isn't easy but you honestly can do very little if the other person isn't willing.

 

[Silverwings]

I come from a long line of alcoholics, and I got pretty close myself, BUT GOD came along just in time to save me from myself, and I am so very thankful for that. In an instant, in the twinkling of an eye, my life was changed forever more, and that was in June of 1985.

My dad was an abusive alcoholic, my grandfather was an alcoholic, my uncle was an alcoholic. All three of them went to their graves without being redeemed, at least as far as I could see as a 10 year old. Later on my sister married an alcoholic , and by this time I was saved and able to pray for him, and pray I did, and he was delivered , God even healed him of cirrosis of the liver, he never went back to the alcohol. I say all of this to hopefully give you some encouragement. I think you have been given some wise counsel. #1. You are not responsible for your mothers actions #2. You can not stop her from drinking. #3. You must separate your life from hers, and by that I mean to not allow her decisions to affect you negatively to the point that you have no life, it simply cannot be, you must love yourself enough to learn how to enjoy your life apart from her misery. I know that this is a very hard thing to say, but with Gods help you can do it. Otherwise the disease will be controlling you too. #4. Continue to pray for her as you are led by the spirit otherwise you will become weary in well doing. #5. Fast from time to time on her behalf..........Only as the spirit leads. #6. Assure her of your love continually as you are able. #7. Believe that Jesus is setting at the right hand of the Father, interceding for her and that He knows exactly what it is going to take to turn her. Trust Him with all your heart, lean not to your own understanding.............REST IN HIM, REFUSING TO GIVE INTO WORRY. Believe that He has everything under control, and that one day your mother will truly be free.

 

[DiscipleDave]

Hi everyone,

I have been posting on these forums about various things lately, and while I've been home for Christmas one of my deepest struggles has been brought to the forefront again. I keep pushing it down and trying to forget about it because it is just too painful. My mum is an alcoholic, and has been for at least 11 years. I don't remember her not drinking, but I know there was a time she didn't, or not like this anyway. My dad left when 11 years ago when I was 16 and that was when things really went downhill. Although I remember her drinking a good deal when he was still here and in recent years he has confided that the behaviour my sister and I dealt with in the years following their split was behaviour he was shielding us from years before.

I understand that it is an addition and is a massive challenge for her so try to be compassionate but watching her get absolutely wasted every single night while I was navigating those tricky teen years into young adulthood was hard, and she has made so many promises which she broke within 24 hours. I have prayed for her healing for over a decade now and I just feel like it is a hopeless situation. My head keeps telling me God can do ANYTHING, but my heart is worn out. I have long moved out so am away from her drinking behaviour but staying with her the past few days has brought it all back. I worry so much for her and her emotional state. She refuses to seek any help, counselling or otherwise. It is obvious she cannot face it alone, and I don't honestly feel equipped to help her.

I have tried multiple strategies, done heaps of research, sought counsel from trusted friends, and of course talked with her over and over. Sometimes angry, sometimes upset, sometimes disengaged if I'm honest. Nothing resonates with her. I have prayed and prayed; sought prayer from our team in church. It seems endless. I don't want her to live the rest of her life like this, either drunk or hungover. Only half aware of the world moving around her. She used to be heavily involved in a church when she was my age but over the years drifted away, and now refuses to step foot in one. A few years ago my sister and I discovered she was gay, and this is something she has been hiding for decades. My grandparents are very religious and I don't think she will ever tell them. I don't know if this suppression has caused her drinking habit to begin or not. I still don't cope very well with it, because she is my mum and it is just so strange to me if I'm honest, but we just don't talk about it.

I will keep praying, but I am scared that by praying with such a hopeless and even faithless attitude I am hurting God and offending Him. I know how deeply He loves me, and my mum, and if He healed her of this addiction her testimony would be a beautiful thing that may lead many to Him. I used to believe He would heal her, but I just can't get my head to believe it anymore, and I feel ashamed for feeling this way.

It is written that if you draw close to God, He will then draw close to you. Alcoholics has their brain chemically changed. They will not get helped until they realize they need it. Nothing is their fault, but everyone elses fault, and you will rarely if ever here them say "I'm sorry". Your Mum will only seek help, when she wants the help. So your prayers should not be for God to Heal her, but your prayer should be that God helps her to see she has a problem with alcohol. You can't tell her that, the Church can't tell her that, she has to tell herself that, before she will ever try to get help. So as long as she does not see it as a problem, she will not seek help. Therefore pray to God that He opens her eyes to the problem that she has. Her first step for treatment, is to realize that she has a problem. pray for that.

^i^

††† In His Holy and Precious Name, Jesus Christ †††

DiscipleDave

 

[Dan58]

She refuses to seek any help, counselling or otherwise.

Its difficult if not impossible to help someone who refuses to help themselves. I doubt that even God would aid in a situation where a person is content being like they are. Your mum has got to seek help from within herself first, without that honest desire, God doesn't generally intercede. As they say in AA, the first thing a person must do is stand up and admit they have a problem... But keep praying for her, perhaps God can bring her to a point where she'll develop a conscience and conviction to make an effort to quit. But for now, it doesn't sound like she cares, and God won't make her do that.

 

[AmmaBev]

You have been through a lot of trauma in your life and I hear how heart broken you are over your Mum. The Holy Spirit is the only person who can change her and you must persevere in your prayer for her. You may be the only one close to her praying.
"The eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to show Himself strong for those whose heart is completely His." 2 Chron. 16:9 "Let us not lose heart in doing good for in due time we shall reap if we don't grow weary" Galatians 6:9 God's timing is not our timing. Please call Focus on the Family 855 382 5433 for encouragement. They want to help. Here is an article meanwhile:
If You Love an Alcoholic | Focus on the Family