My Stepson Bullies my 2 Boys

[only4Hymn]

Oh and to everyone..thanks for all your concern.. the kids have not been in his presence alone in months...but it just feels really stressful because there is this expectation and hope from my husband that we will be The Brady Bunch...and I was hoping that also...but it has been a real struggle...but now he is at a point where he feels like the separation has been long enough and I just don't know if you can put an expiration stamp on something like that and say when there has been enough time away. I would have to see and hear some really different things from his son than what I have seen and heard in the past before I would ever feel comfortable enough to let him come over and stay the night...Oh and for whoever asked earlier..when he would come over, we would go to baseball games, restaurants, parks, church, we were planning to take him on a cruise with us but his mom wouldn't let him miss school (which is understandable and now I'm glad about it), but we would do many things and even let him pick some things for us to do... we have a music studio and after I found out he beat his brother up and actually asked his smaller brother to hold the camera on him while he did it...i forgave him and we all moved on and I wrote him a song that his dad made music to and we let him record it in the studio. He had always wanted to do that... we treat him very well and so i really don't understand this stuff... there have been times when I knew he was probably jealous and so i sympathized with that but I can't let him get away with any and every things for the sake of his feelings are hurt... meanwhile his brothers' are being PHYSICALLY hurt.

 

[RememberTheSabbathDay]

Only4Hymn,


Clearly ur stepson is a very present danger to all of you. U never know when this child will take out his anger on u and the children. I know u love your husband, but what about the children who look to you to protect them but feel helpless because you are more afraid of ur marriage falling apart than you are protecting your children. What will cause you to wake up to this insidious danger to your home. I say, give ur husband an ultimatum and let the chips fall where they may. U will never live it down when ur other children take on the role of bullying others because they were bullied by ur stepson. Its learned behavior..and one day, they will hold you accountable for not protecting them when u had every chance to do so. God expects you to do more than what u are doing. You cant remain passive about this dangerous situation which is affecting ur children emotionally and physically. Your children cant protect themselves. U have a responsibility to do better.

 

[PeterJens]

It sounds like you and your husband do properly communicate. The sad thing with your step-son is he is now at an age where he has chosen how he wants to relate to others. He has also reached the age where the concept of repentance becomes real, accepting your heart attitude is wrong and bringing it to the Lord, and asking for forgiveness.
People have to earn respect once it is lost, and unfortunately your step-son has lost it. The hard, and I mean hard, reality is when you love someone, you hope they were different, but they are who they are, you have to impose the limits.
I know that seems hard, but the limits at that age help them realise what they are doing is wrong and they need to change. The question I would have about his home life is, are there any real limits set on him. Spoiling someone no matter their behaviour reinforces the idea their behaviour is ok, it appears to them that the parents are just wrong. A punishment has to hurt, not physically, but something they care about is restricted in a defined consistent way. My kids used to hate when I would take away their favourite toy, or stop them watching a program, or not allow them out to see a friend, for a specified time, rather than a smack, because a smack was over and done with, but the punishment made the behaviour not worth it.
On the other side, praising success, real achievement, looking to support things they were good at, and helping them discover other things is equally as important. These two factors really, and I mean really, help bond you with the person, and they know you know them and really care. I hope this helps, God bless....

 

[only4Hymn]

Awesome advice. I agree. He is at the age where he is pretty set in his ways. We wanted to have a bigger role in his life and when my husband relocated to another state for a while, we wanted to take him with us so he could have a more stable home life. So now my husband has been playing catch up and spends a lot of money because his son seems to get a kick out of hitting him in the pockets to make up for lost time. I believe his mom gave him this example by calling my husband and demanding money for so many things and even once asking him to pay for her hair to be done. They have no bounds or limits. When I saw the video of him beating my son, I told my husband and he called the provider and had the line shut off. By the next day, his grandmother had taken him to get another phone and service and began sending us texts about how are we supposed to be Christians doing things like that? At that point I realized my hands were tied and as much as we try to correct him and even punish him, there's a whole other side of people who work against us.