NEED ADVICE....TROUBLED MARRIAGE

[Zealot]

You're in a pickle. Scripture may pardon your departing the marriage on the grounds of unfaithfulness, only. If your husband had not been unfaithful, you would be compelled to stay, as scripture directs a Christian wife to stay with her unbelieving husband. Biblical marriage leaves women under the headship of their husbands even in extreme cases, so it is imperative that Christian women have confidence and commitment to their intended husband. It is a very rough situation, no doubt, but experience and scripture always give us the best way to handle these life issues. Adultery and abandonment by a non-believer are the only acceptable basis for divorce according to scripture. Any other rules are man-made.

 

[Dread_Zeppelin]

Call the police on him.

 

[REDMama]

Question, This is not hurting you? You are strong enough to have your husband watch pornography and be invovled in legal activity and still be fulfilled as a woman, a wife, a mother, and feel safe.

I find it hard to believe in all my experience that this is not hurting you in some way, unless you have become immune and unfeeling because you have dealt with it for so long.

But I would agree that the bonds between husband and wife can be stronger than what the law says, especially if tax evasion is a way of maintaining an income, providing for yourselves and the family, because no other way is open, available or possible.

Pray and God is with you.

If you leave the home, and go live somewhere else you could still be his wife, and not dishonor or abandon him, it just may help clear up the problem you are having in being involved in this? I don't know for sure, just a viewpoint from what I read.

God Bless with knowledge and ability.

 

[Spanky370]

DEAR TROUBLED MARRIAGE, MY NAME IS SISTER TRACEY...I'M A BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN HOUSEWIFE. I CAME ACROSS YOUR POST AND WOULD REALLY LIKE TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU, WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, THOUGH DIFFERENT SITUATION. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU BECAUSE I ALSO AM FACING THE SAME KIND OF HURT RIGHT NOW AS I WRITE THIS MESSAGE TO YOU. IT IS BY THE GRACE OF GOD THAT I AM HOLDING ON WITHOUT LOSING CONTROL, ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL TEENAGE BOYS (ISAIAH 16 & JOSHUA 15)....GOD HAS SHIELDED THEM TO WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON THOUGH AS A MOTHER, I SENSE THEY KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG. THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW ME, I AM WILLING TO SHARE MORE WITH YOU OF MY SITUATION. SO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SEND ME A MESSAGE AND I WILL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. BEFORE I CLOSE, I WILL MENTION THIS...THAT AT ONE TIME, ME & MY HUSBAND USE TO HAVE AN OPEN BIBLE STUDY IN OUR APARTMENT FOR 10 YEARS. WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 17 YEARS, AND THE REST I WILL SHARE WITH YOU AT A LATER TIME. GOD BLESS YOU AND MAY THE LORD HELP YOU ALSO THROUGH THIS TIME OF TROUBLE. PS: I WILL CHECK BACK SOON TO SEE IF YOU HAVE RESPONDED AND ANY OTHER WOMAN WHO IS ALSO FACING THE SAME SITUATION. NOT TO HAVE A PITY-PARTY BUT I BELIEVE WE CAN SUPPORT EACH OTHER THROUGH PRAYER AND ENCOURAGEMENT FOR I KNOW OTHER WOMEN ARE FACING THE SAME THING UNLESS THEIR IN DENIAL WHICH WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORST, GOD NEVER INTENDED FOR US TO BE MISTREATED OR DISRESPECTED BY OUR HUSBANDS AND IN ORDER TO OVERCOME WE MUST TURN THEM OVER TO JESUS AND MAY HIS WILL BE DONE. SINCERELY, SISTER TRACEY

 

[BADDOG]

Hi Kellyjeannie GBU

Its so easy for us to say **you have to stay in the marrage ** ,,,,,,,But its not us who are being pulled apart by this its you ,,,,,But its not only you its your 3 kids as well ,,,,Divorce is not the unfrogiveable sin ,,,being a divorced myself some 30 years ago now there is life after divorce ,,,,Now you have tried talking to him and its failed ,,,you have a plan thats 80% thought through i would say compleat your plan and follow it through !!!! yopu have 3 kids and your self to think about ,,,,you going will be the biggest walk up call your hubby will ever have !!! maybe then he will be willing to listen and grow up !!!,,,,,,,People will tell you all sorts of things BUT its not them living through this hell its you ,,,you have just one shot at this life so be the happest you can be in this life ,,,,yes it will hurt and hurt bad when you do go ,,,,but healing will come as will a new life for you and the kids ,,,,,,no one goes into marrage wanting a divorce ,,,, no one say ** I DO ** thinking there marrage will end ,,,, but people change and sometimes its not for the better ,,,

Your being broken apart ,,,,this will pass onto your kids as well ,,,,my tip for you is get you and the 3 kids out of there now !!!! ,,,,,, when you do meat with him and you will have to ,,,you will then meet as 2 abults ,,,,,meet in a public place so you can get up and go when ever you like !!

All the very best to you and the kids GBU

 

[Jon4TheCross]

I'm always sorry to hear of unpeaceful situations. Part of the word from God to you concerning this is that you are in a win/win situation here; if you trust God is wise in telling us to forgive and be long-suffering, then you'll be so happy to receive reward in heaven for suffering so that you can show be an example of that part of love also. Romans 8:1 would surely be good to discuss with your spouse. In order to truly love, an individual must first really understand what true and eternal love is. We are all currently in possesion of a measure of true love; if I were you,I would try to see and encourage the eternal side of your spouse, cause most likely it's just a matter of being under the power of something besides that which is good and perfect. There is a real you and me, and real life is not temporary. Your decision can be forgiven if you make the wrong one, but it's a decision remembered forever if it exists in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord.,
I pray for you.

 

[chuinchoy]

don't be confused sister. I salute you for your intention to save your marriage. If it were a help to you, you have done the right thing in wanting to safe your marriage. Have you consult your church pastor to discuss with him your problem? Please do if you have not. He should be able to help you.

 

[chuinchoy]

Please don't ive up on your marriage easily. i know it is very tempting to take the easy way out--leaving the marriage then to work on it. God bless.

 

[Ugly]

Guys, pay attention. This post is a year and a half old. Also, the OP hasn't logged into the site since June 2011.

 

[FormerPooky]

Brother, you and I are in the same boat!
\

 

[Wukong59]

Hi kellyjeannine,


My wife and I have separated the 1st of October after 28 years. I've never cheated on her nor her on me however I had anger & controlling issues and as she fell out of love with me about 10 years ago though I still love hear. As she wasn't in love with me she didn't like sex and I became involved in pornography. I would encourage you, if you can afford it, to separate with the goal of reestablishing a connection. If your husband really cares about you a separation will bring to the forefront of what he is losing. The separation has caused me immense pain as I'm not used to being alone and if your husband does love you he'll miss you. However he'll most likely go through the stages of grief first, i.e. denial, anger, desparation, and acceptance. At the acceptance phase he'll begin to accept what he did that was wrong and also draw closer to God. If he is having an affair I'm guessing he won't respond as I did and may not care, but I guess that is an answer too.


Not sure what page I copied this from but it is applicable..


No Quick Fix

Couples looking for a quick fix for their marital woes often become frustrated, abandoning the marriage too early, thereby missing the benefits of God's timing.
"I think the most common problem is couples try to get on with their life too quickly," explains Chapman. "They go six months and the spouse shows no response, so they start dating and become involved with someone else. A year later the spouse comes back and says 'I realize I made a terrible mistake,' and they want to reconcile, but now the other partner’s already involved with someone else. I like to encourage couples to give some time. I use two years as a guideline. For people who are separated it seems like a terribly long time, but in all of life, it's a short time."


I would encourage you to read up on Separation goals. There are a number of sites I found with suggestions on how to prepare for separation and rules / expectations to set.

Also, I found this article which I believe would be helpful for any marriage regarding how we contribute to our marriage's demise.

www . stresscure.com/14dycure/chapt10.html

(Cut & Paste above into browser and take out spaces)

May the Lord bless you and your family! Patrick

 

[chuinchoy]

since the separation has caused you immensed pain (as you have said), why not try counselling by phychologist and church pastor?

 

[Wukong59]

Appreciate the thought but don't want to hijack OP's message. The pain isn't as bad as it was, have my ups and downs. Fortunately when it was really bad I was blessed to be at a men's advance (they don't call it a retreat). My wife and I are still communicating and hopefully God will restore our marriage and we'll be much better for it. The separation in a way is good though hard as it helps me to reevaluate myself and wife from a different perspective, and, hopefully we'll both appreciate each other more.

 

[Wukong59]

LOL, just read that the OP hasn't been on for over a year... oh well, guess I'm not really hijacking it then..

 

[DiscipleDave]

As a Christian, I'm so confused....
Married 14 years, 3 beautiful children. My husband has always been somewhat controlling, but in the past 2 years controlling has turned into severe emotional abuse, use of pornography and operating a business that is illegal. (tax evasion)
My Christian background keeps me thinking, save the marriage. Stay by his side no matter what. Support his hopes and dreams, even if they compromise the 10 commandments.

He goes to church with me every Sunday. I pray that he will realize what he is doing is wrong and that he must ask for forgiveness...but he doesn't feel that he's doing anything wrong.

I'm ready to leave, I have a plan 80% in place to remove myself and my children in the next 30 days, but I just can't help but think that God would want me to stand by him in his troubled time.
Any and all advice is appreciated.

There is only ONE reason that God allows a person to get a divorce and that is sexual immorality, to look upon another woman to lust after her is to commit adultery in the eyes of God, if he is looking at pornography and will not cease from it, he is an adulterer. On the other hand, God hates divorce. A person makes a vow under God to be with that other for better or for worse, only to break that vow when it gets worse.

It seems to me, that you are struggling between flesh and spirit. Your flesh wants to leave, tired of dealing with all the hoopla, just plain tired of it all, and want to bail, start over, get a do over. Your spirit however is telling you save the marriage, Stay by his side no matter what, support his hopes and dreams, and to stand by him in his troubled time. Which will win the battle the flesh or the Spirit? Always go with your heart not what you think. Because even if you are wrong, God is pleased because you went with your heart, remember God is LOVE.

It seems to me, that he goes to church because of you, correct? if you leave him will he cease to go to Church? Is it not written the husband may be Sanctified by the wife, if then you depart, what are his chances then to come to the light?

If you do decide to leave him, and because of his sexual immorality of looking at porn you have that right in God's eyes, then it would be best for you to remain single and celibate for the time of Christ is at hand. If you cannot contain and have to have sexual relationship, then it is best for you to remain married, but if you can contain and need no sexual relationship, then leave him. But if you do plan on leaving him, i think it would be best to leave him and not divorce him, live in separate houses apart from each other to give him a chance to realize what he had, and maybe repent and desire to have you back, on the conditions that you give him. If coming back he reverts back to his old self again, then divorce him.

Hope this has helped a little bit, there is much more i could tell you, but have limited details on what the situation is in your case.

^i^

 

[Marzia]

I know what you feel. It is not easy. The first step to do is to rebuild an intimacy with the Lord. So you know what God wants you to do.


Change your focus from your problems to your mighty God. “ Don’t say : God, I have a big problem but say : hi problems, I have a BIG GOD.


Focus on the positive things of your husband not the negative ones. Count the positives of him and find at least 10 things. And then give thanks to the Lord for that. Don’t compare your husband to other guys. Gratitude makes you stronger.



You should love your husband what ever he is. Love is a commitment. You already committed to the Lord to love him until the end. You are a helper to your husband (Gen 1;18). That is why you are there to love, and to help him. You should not leave him, not caused of him but caused of The Lord. (Col 3:23). Keep praying. God will answer you in His time not in your time. God’s timing is always perfect.


God allowed this happen to you because He wants you to change, to grow in faith and to know what the true love is. Because God is LOVE. Keep moving forward. God will be there. God never fails (Job 42:2). God is in control.


I pray for you dear sista. Jesus loves you.



Marzia