Need help forgiving adulterous wife!

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therock085

Guest
#1
#1
I recently decided to give my life back to Christ earlier this year, after alot of problems arose in my marriage. On New Year's Eve, while I was away at work, I discovered my wife lied to me about her whereabouts. Later that night, I was able to get a hold of her and she confessed she was visiting a male friend, but that there was nothing more to it than that. Just yesterday (father's day), she finally confessed what I felt in my heart all along- she had slept with him that night. At first I was angry and wanted nothing to do with her, but the Holy Spirit touched my heart and she did seem very ashamed and full of guilt while telling me, and told me to forgive her. At this point, I forgive her but have no idea if I can go on trusting her, and I know that I am within full right of God's law to divorce her, but I know he wants to avoid divorce at all cost. Since everything has happened she has made a good effort to be a better wife, but lied to me for over 6 months and held the fact that she slept with him that night and promised nothing happened. Now that I know the truth, it hurts that she can lie to me and I feel broken, I really need advice on what steps I need to take to make this marriage work, she has repented for her sins and has not continued communication with him. I am really confused, but I know I love her, but don't know if I can ever trust her again!
 
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simplyme_bekah

Guest
#2
#2
I understand where you are coming from completely. I am so so sorry for the pain this has caused you because myself I went through it and it about made me lose my mind. If it wasn't for God I am sure I totally would have come completely undone. I say if this is happening its because something went wrong. Do you talk to her openly? Do you try to be her best friend? Do you make love to her enough and make her feel sexy and beautiful? (women truly need to hear that they are that to their mates because we have eyes for only you and need to know that we satisfy you completely mentally and physically. Do you treat her with honor and respect? Do you take her on dates and make her feel like she is the most loved woman on earth? Do you occasionally buy her flowers? Do you ever leave little notes by the coffee pot telling her how special she is to you? Do you make her laugh? Do you put the first moves on her when you want to make love or do you wait for her to come to you....women sometimes get tired and become resentful that she always has to make the first move. Be kind. Be sensitive. Read books on woman. Find out what makes her tick. You know a real woman appreciates a flower picked from the yard, or a note written on a napkin that you love her and appreciate her, or even a surprise picknick with peanut butter sandwichs....stuff that doesnt really cost a dime but do the job ;) Ask God to help you recapture the love you once felt for the woman that you call wife. Ask him to help you see her beauty and that by seeing it it heals and replaces the hurt within your heart. He will help you. Just believe...
 
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xino

Guest
#3
#3
you have to forgive her because she took courage to tell you this truth, the truth has set her free.
it is up to you to forgive her or not. If you don't, then the Lord will not forgive your sins.
we are all sinners, forgive and move on.
You need to trust her.

she confessed her sin to you and knew she was wrong, she had a conscience and this made her confess.
 
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therock085

Guest
#4
#4
thank you, no, we haven't always had the most perfect marriage, and I do admit to a giant gap for years where there was alot of neglect on both of our parts, but we moved to a new city and got a fresh start over a year ago, and I thought things were getting better at that point. We were communicating more, doing more together, and seemed all around happier. When this happened, I was actually luke warm in faith and made a token church appearance, but still believed. I guess I'm still in shock over the fact that she could do that, I thought we were getting better and working on things, but I do thank God that He found me through all this tribulation, I know my life will be victorious, but at this moment I don't know if I should give her another chance to potentially hurt me again or not.
 
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therock085

Guest
#5
#5
xino said:
you have to forgive her because she took courage to tell you this truth, the truth has set her free.
it is up to you to forgive her or not. If you don't, then the Lord will not forgive your sins.
we are all sinners, forgive and move on.
You need to trust her.

she confessed her sin to you and knew she was wrong, she had a conscience and this made her confess.
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thanks bro, I know it took alot for her to confess, and she was crying so much she could barely get it out. I dont forgive her, and I see her shame and guilt, but I guess I just need to give it time and let God work on healing our wounds so we can figure it out.
 
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therock085

Guest
#6
#6
* meant to say I DO forgive her...
 
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lesky

Guest
#8
#8
I personally know this is hard for you. Do not give up on your marriage nor your wife. Do know it will take time for you to heal and trust again. With God's help you can make it. It was her choice to do what she did, not what you did or did not do. The devil is busy. You'll can get pass this. When this happened to me it was worst than going through a death. I can honestly say it gets better with time. Stay close to God and communicate with your wife. Pray for her as well for she is going through emotions as well, just different from your emotions. I will keep you'll in prayer. Remember LOVE keep no records of wrongs. Be strong!!
 
jonathanbchristian

jonathanbchristian

Banned
#9
Feb 16, 2011
2,957
24
0
#9
It was not your fault. Nothing justifies adultery. You may not be able to trust your wife but you can trust Jesus. He will help you. The more you forgive you will be forgiven by the same judgement you use. Thanks for giving the Holy Spirit credit. He will help you forgive and help you learn how to trust again.
 
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therock085

Guest
#10
#10
Thanks so much everybody, it is so hard to get through this. I just recently came to Christ and have turned away from old friends who were negative and a bad influence, so in my time of need I feel like I don't have anybody to comfort me. The hardest thing for me to overcome is to avoid the temptation of running to the arms of another woman for comfort, I can't help but feel there is another woman out there who will love and appreciate me and not want to hurt me.
 
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Ugly

Guest
#11
#11
hi rock
Broken trust is a difficult issue to deal with. You can forgive someone, but trust still needs to be earned. It took time for you to trust her enough to believe her for 6 months, despite you having doubts. Now, that trust is gone, you both need to be patient as she works to rebuild that trust. It can happen, just not overnight. It could be months to get partial trust back, and years for full trust. This doesn't mean you haven't forgiven. Its a natural reaction that can't be controlled. I suggest getting some professional marriage counseling to help speed up the process.
All in all expect it to take time, don't try to force it, or rush it, but let it happen naturally. And be cautious not to throw it back at her. The more you do that the more angry it could make her, if she is genuinely feeling guilt on her own.
 
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aprilandkeion

Guest
#12
#12
if your decision makes you happy then do it, just ask Lord Jesus to do what is right...
 
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NinJaGGS

Guest
#13
#13
I preface this statement with this -- i have never been in your shoes and can't give advice.. but I do know a story, ill keep it really brief... This was told in a book about a man who survived the soviet gulag... this happened to a friend of the man...

A man's wife cheated. He forgave her and lived with her without trust. They were never intimate again for many years, and lived more like brother and sister. For years the man only thought of his own pain and suffering - which was VERY real, but never considered his wife. His wife meanwhile was shamed everyday because of his treating her like a sister, being hurt. This was brought to the attention of the husband years later... he realized what he was doing and forgave his wife entirely.

I'm sorry this had to happen, but there must be a reason it happened, and God can work all things into his goodness.
I think of my cross, I wear a wooden one, I leaned over a fence and broke it on accident. I was very angry and sad, but I came home and glued it back together, now the place where the wood is bonded together with glue is the strongest part of my cross!
May God himself help you with this difficult situation, and may God also help your wife, both of you he loves and wants see happy!
 
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feedm3

Guest
#14
#14
Dont do it, it's a trick
 
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shekaniah

Guest
#15
#15
I wanted you to know I will be praying for you both...
In His Love, Shekaniah
 
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SoldatChristi

Guest
#17
#17
Well dude, I had to go through this myself, albeit I wasn't married but was engaged to be. I did give her a 2nd and 3rd chance, and she messed it up. I then left her. She is now married to the guy she cheated on me with.

With that said, don't give up on your marriage or her. Try to open up communication lines with her, more if need be. Ask her what she needs to feel loved. Be strong, be courageous. At the same time, tell her how you feel, how that night made you feel, and that you need encouragement and respect from her to be able to trust her again. That's the way to go I'd say.
 
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rauleetoe

Guest
#18
#18
xino said:
you have to forgive her because she took courage to tell you this truth, the truth has set her free.
it is up to you to forgive her or not. If you don't, then the Lord will not forgive your sins.
we are all sinners, forgive and move on.
You need to trust her.

she confessed her sin to you and knew she was wrong, she had a conscience and this made her confess.
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He has to forgive her..yes but that does not mean he has to trust her..and biblically, if he truly feels he cannot ever trust her anymore(i do not know if i could..it would be a hard/long process..she's gonna have to earn your trust again) Then forgive and maybe take a time of separation..she needs to know what she did was wrong, and it cannot be so easily overlooked. Yes there is grace, yes there is forgiveness..yes you must forgive her..but don't get it twisted by saying that forgiveness always means reconciliation! It cannot always be possible..and i wish some christians could see that and not so quickly tie forgiveness into reconciliation.
reconcilation=a possibility
trust=with time, very hard..it is all up to her to prove she can be trusted again
forgiveness=you have to forgive, in time you will heal but you must try to forgive..that's what God would want.
 
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rauleetoe

Guest
#19
#19
Ugly said:
Someones bitter.
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maybe someone is human..and very in touch with that at the moment. I am ok with someone feeling bitter..we shouldn't stay bitter..but to be all hunky doory and say all is well after you been cheated on..that's not being christ like..that's false piety and not acknowledging your feelings bro. Come on man..of course you are gonna be bitter for a while or hurt for a while..you can't just pick yourself up and dust yourself off so easily. These things take time!!
 
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YahsPrincess

Guest
#20
#20
I dont agree that there is a spiritual reason it happened, but I do agree our heavenly Father can turn it into sumthing good, forgiveness duznt mean you will instantly trust her, im in the same boat as u with my "soon to be MAYBE" husband n it is hard 2 trust, I told him I think.it mite help if he prays n tries 2 find ways 2 earn it back, it takes time.
 
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