Need some relationship advice as a Christian

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jewilki1

New member
Jun 2, 2018
5
3
3
#1
I have a couple of questions.

So, let me say this it has been a very rough 1.5 years for me. I have been in Christian counseling for the last year and I have been a Christian for around 15 years. I'm 36 now. I was married to my wife for 10 years and together for 12. I wanted to go to counseling with her and fix our marriage but she refused. I never wanted to get divorced. However, she chose to separate from me for a while which I didn't want to do. She then had an affair committed adultery with another man and eventually forced a divorce on me without me signing anything and we have a 6-year-old child together. This has greatly affected our daughter. So, now says she may marry this guy she has had an affair with. She has disregarded our daughter's well-being and feelings and forced this man and his family on our child. I was extremely devastated she used to be Godly and would never have done this. it's like I or her daughter meant nothing to her. I was by no means perfect in the relationship myself, but even my own counselor said he had no doubt the marriage could have been repaired with God's help had she been willing to do so, unfortunately, she wasn't.

Like, I said I have been told by my counselor who was a pastor for around 40 years that I can't control her behavior or what she did. That I just need to protect our daughter and be a Godly example to her and around her which I have been doing. His advice to me 1.5 years later is to move on and if I desire to do so find another Godly woman and move on, but make sure she loves the Lord with all her heart and would be good to my daughter.

I should say I have always had the desire to be married too I don't like being alone and currently, I am living alone. I have church family and friends and I really am focusing on God. However, every so often I have this overwhelming anxiety and loneliness that is hard to overcome. All of our friends that we did things with don't want to really do things with either of us now because I feel like they don't want to pick or choose sides. I want to find a Godly woman who hopefully one day could lead to marriage again.

1)Is, this anxiety and loneliness ever going to go away?

I feel at this point I am mentally ready to see someone too. I also, feel like I can have the discernment this time around to find a good Godly woman who would be good to my daughter. I am much older and wiser at this point in my life. There is a Godly woman who I have always admired and I have been friends with her since middle school. Her husband left her and cheated on her and she is also now divorced and has 2 boys.

2)Would it be wrong to reach out to her as a friend and see where God would lead us?
I ask this because my counselor said since I did everything I possibly could and my ex had an affair that I had grounds to remarry.

However, I had another very experienced Christian of 50 years tell me I could never get remarried or serve in any public capacity because God wouldn't be OK with it. I know scripture fairly well and I have never heard of someone not being able to remarry or serve in any public capacity when someone commits adultery and leaves you. I know there are some things that do certain things in the church. However, he was saying i couldn't server in a capacity ever publically. As my counselor said I didn't have any control over my ex-wife having an affair and divorcing me those were her actions/decisions. I don't see how I could be condemned/punished or not allowed to remarry based on someone else's actions.

3) So, would I be OK to potentially start talking to the woman I mentioned given her situation, and am I able to still serve publically in worship without it being an issue?
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,932
2,372
113
#2
I have a couple of questions.

So, let me say this it has been a very rough 1.5 years for me. I have been in Christian counseling for the last year and I have been a Christian for around 15 years. I'm 36 now. I was married to my wife for 10 years and together for 12. I wanted to go to counseling with her and fix our marriage but she refused. I never wanted to get divorced. However, she chose to separate from me for a while which I didn't want to do. She then had an affair committed adultery with another man and eventually forced a divorce on me without me signing anything and we have a 6-year-old child together. This has greatly affected our daughter. So, now says she may marry this guy she has had an affair with. She has disregarded our daughter's well-being and feelings and forced this man and his family on our child. I was extremely devastated she used to be Godly and would never have done this. it's like I or her daughter meant nothing to her. I was by no means perfect in the relationship myself, but even my own counselor said he had no doubt the marriage could have been repaired with God's help had she been willing to do so, unfortunately, she wasn't.

Like, I said I have been told by my counselor who was a pastor for around 40 years that I can't control her behavior or what she did. That I just need to protect our daughter and be a Godly example to her and around her which I have been doing. His advice to me 1.5 years later is to move on and if I desire to do so find another Godly woman and move on, but make sure she loves the Lord with all her heart and would be good to my daughter.

I should say I have always had the desire to be married too I don't like being alone and currently, I am living alone. I have church family and friends and I really am focusing on God. However, every so often I have this overwhelming anxiety and loneliness that is hard to overcome. All of our friends that we did things with don't want to really do things with either of us now because I feel like they don't want to pick or choose sides. I want to find a Godly woman who hopefully one day could lead to marriage again.

1)Is, this anxiety and loneliness ever going to go away?

I feel at this point I am mentally ready to see someone too. I also, feel like I can have the discernment this time around to find a good Godly woman who would be good to my daughter. I am much older and wiser at this point in my life. There is a Godly woman who I have always admired and I have been friends with her since middle school. Her husband left her and cheated on her and she is also now divorced and has 2 boys.

2)Would it be wrong to reach out to her as a friend and see where God would lead us?
I ask this because my counselor said since I did everything I possibly could and my ex had an affair that I had grounds to remarry.

However, I had another very experienced Christian of 50 years tell me I could never get remarried or serve in any public capacity because God wouldn't be OK with it. I know scripture fairly well and I have never heard of someone not being able to remarry or serve in any public capacity when someone commits adultery and leaves you. I know there are some things that do certain things in the church. However, he was saying i couldn't server in a capacity ever publically. As my counselor said I didn't have any control over my ex-wife having an affair and divorcing me those were her actions/decisions. I don't see how I could be condemned/punished or not allowed to remarry based on someone else's actions.

3) So, would I be OK to potentially start talking to the woman I mentioned given her situation, and am I able to still serve publically in worship without it being an issue?
I can answer some of these questions.
As I'm understanding it you've only been apart a year and half? And having anxiety and loneliness from it all? It would not be smart to start dating.
For one you've not been apart long enough to heal. The average recommended time after divorce to start dating is five years.

You seem to lament the divorce more than express anything about missing your wife. Which suggests marriage is a bigger priority than who it is.

If you're having anxiety and loneliness you will be unable to make a right decision about someone to date or marry as your judgment will be clouded.

It sounds like you've had a replacement ready for some time. Doesn't seem you were the most committed to your wife.
 

jewilki1

New member
Jun 2, 2018
5
3
3
#3
I can answer some of these questions.
As I'm understanding it you've only been apart a year and half? And having anxiety and loneliness from it all? It would not be smart to start dating.
For one you've not been apart long enough to heal. The average recommended time after divorce to start dating is five years.

You seem to lament the divorce more than express anything about missing your wife. Which suggests marriage is a bigger priority than who it is.

If you're having anxiety and loneliness you will be unable to make the right decision about someone to date or marry as your judgment will be clouded.

It sounds like you've had a replacement ready for some time. Doesn't seem you were the most committed to your wife.

I appreciate the response, but you have for sure misunderstood what I am saying/trying to convey. I totally get what you are saying about loneliness but I have to explain something about that. I have always been one who has never liked to live alone even before I met my wife I was like this. I lived with my family before being married. Then, I went to college and lived with roommates. After college, I again lived back home until I got married to my ex-wife and then we of course lived together after being married. I didn't provide this context previously because the post was getting so long. At 36 years old this is the first time I have truly lived by myself alone apart from other people. I am a social person as well I like being around other people. I truly do not like being by myself like this. The isolation feelings come from being away from my daughter, my-ex wife, and family in general etc. I never want to be away from my daughter and every time she leaves I have anxiety and I don't know how to combat that. Things were never supposed to be like this and I never saw myself getting divorced.

I also don't lament the divorce more than miss her. The reality is I will always miss my ex-wife and I will always love my ex-wife she is the mother of my child. However, she cheated on me more than 1 year ago at this point with the guy she is currently with and divorced me, and is now wanting to marry him. She has also done some horrendous that to her 94 year old grandmother who she is in charge of as well. All these things are out of my control and the reality of the situation is I have to move on because of what she has chosen. I pray for every day though because that is all I can do she will not listen to me.

Also, I know you don't know the exact situation but you are judging the situation entirely wrong it was her that had a replacement ready. The woman I was referring to is a very recent person within the last month or less. However, I wanted to fix my marriage with her for years but this was not reciprocated on her end. In fact, the last year of our marriage all my ex-wife did was threaten to divorce me if I messed up 1 more time, while the entire she wouldn't talk things through with me nor would she go to Christian marriage counseling with me as I begged her to do.
 

Runningman

Well-known member
Mar 4, 2020
3,524
2,231
113
#4
I have a couple of questions.

So, let me say this it has been a very rough 1.5 years for me. I have been in Christian counseling for the last year and I have been a Christian for around 15 years. I'm 36 now. I was married to my wife for 10 years and together for 12. I wanted to go to counseling with her and fix our marriage but she refused. I never wanted to get divorced. However, she chose to separate from me for a while which I didn't want to do. She then had an affair committed adultery with another man and eventually forced a divorce on me without me signing anything and we have a 6-year-old child together. This has greatly affected our daughter. So, now says she may marry this guy she has had an affair with. She has disregarded our daughter's well-being and feelings and forced this man and his family on our child. I was extremely devastated she used to be Godly and would never have done this. it's like I or her daughter meant nothing to her. I was by no means perfect in the relationship myself, but even my own counselor said he had no doubt the marriage could have been repaired with God's help had she been willing to do so, unfortunately, she wasn't.

Like, I said I have been told by my counselor who was a pastor for around 40 years that I can't control her behavior or what she did. That I just need to protect our daughter and be a Godly example to her and around her which I have been doing. His advice to me 1.5 years later is to move on and if I desire to do so find another Godly woman and move on, but make sure she loves the Lord with all her heart and would be good to my daughter.

I should say I have always had the desire to be married too I don't like being alone and currently, I am living alone. I have church family and friends and I really am focusing on God. However, every so often I have this overwhelming anxiety and loneliness that is hard to overcome. All of our friends that we did things with don't want to really do things with either of us now because I feel like they don't want to pick or choose sides. I want to find a Godly woman who hopefully one day could lead to marriage again.

1)Is, this anxiety and loneliness ever going to go away?

I feel at this point I am mentally ready to see someone too. I also, feel like I can have the discernment this time around to find a good Godly woman who would be good to my daughter. I am much older and wiser at this point in my life. There is a Godly woman who I have always admired and I have been friends with her since middle school. Her husband left her and cheated on her and she is also now divorced and has 2 boys.

2)Would it be wrong to reach out to her as a friend and see where God would lead us?
I ask this because my counselor said since I did everything I possibly could and my ex had an affair that I had grounds to remarry.

However, I had another very experienced Christian of 50 years tell me I could never get remarried or serve in any public capacity because God wouldn't be OK with it. I know scripture fairly well and I have never heard of someone not being able to remarry or serve in any public capacity when someone commits adultery and leaves you. I know there are some things that do certain things in the church. However, he was saying i couldn't server in a capacity ever publically. As my counselor said I didn't have any control over my ex-wife having an affair and divorcing me those were her actions/decisions. I don't see how I could be condemned/punished or not allowed to remarry based on someone else's actions.

3) So, would I be OK to potentially start talking to the woman I mentioned given her situation, and am I able to still serve publically in worship without it being an issue?
1. In my opinion, time heals many things. You probably just need more time to adjust and adapt. In my experiences, it’s actually possible for God to take those feelings away from or at least help you forget for a while.

2. Yes you should reach out to her as a friend.

That person who gave you advice about not serving in any official public capacity (within the church) is giving his interpretation about the qualifications for an overseer:

1 Tim. 3:1-7
1This is a true saying, If a man desire the office of a bishop, he desireth a good work. 2A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; 3Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous; 4One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; 5(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?) 6Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil. 7Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.

He gave you bad advice. It says nothing about divorce here in 1 Tim. 3

3. Yes yes and yes
 

Godsgirl83

Well-known member
Apr 1, 2019
9,106
6,255
113
#5
This is indeed a heartbreaking situation. It must be for your daughter too, having to bounce back and forth and accept other people as family (whether she feels that connection to them or not).

Your first post raised some questions, but after reading your second post it just raises more questions. I'm sure I'm not the only one who notice these things and have more questions, so please don't mind that I point them out.

In the
2nd post you state:
The woman I was referring to is a very recent person within the last month or less.

But then in the
1st post you already stated:
There is a Godly woman who I have always admired and I have been friends with her since middle school. Her husband left her and cheated on her and she is also now divorced and has 2 boys.
Do you mean that her availability just happened in the last month or less?
If so, are you REALLY willing to be in a rebound relationship with someone?
From what I've observed by people who do this, it NEVER works outs.


next thought/question based on this:
In fact, the last year of our marriage all my ex-wife did was threaten to divorce me if I messed up 1 more time, while the entire she wouldn't talk things through with me nor would she go to Christian marriage counseling with me as I begged her to do.
Well, what was it that she thought you were messing up with/in?



The best advice I can give you for the times you are there home alone is to get alone with the Lord. Turn to Him, talk to Him, seek Him.
Perhaps this is a season for you to grow in relationship with Him.
Because no matter what happens in life, that is the most important relationship anyone can ever have.
 

jewilki1

New member
Jun 2, 2018
5
3
3
#6
1. In my opinion, time heals many things. You probably just need more time to adjust and adapt. In my experiences, it’s actually possible for God to take those feelings away from or at least help you forget for a while.

2. Yes you should reach out to her as a friend.

That person who gave you advice about not serving in any official public capacity (within the church) is giving his interpretation about the qualifications for an overseer:

1 Tim. 3:1-7
1This is a true saying, If a man desire the office of a bishop, he desireth a good work. 2A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; 3Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous; 4One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; 5(For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?) 6Not a novice, lest being lifted up with pride he fall into the condemnation of the devil. 7Moreover he must have a good report of them which are without; lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.

He gave you bad advice. It says nothing about divorce here in 1 Tim. 3

3. Yes yes and yes
Thank you so much for the advice. Yes, I was wondering about this he was referring to these scriptures now that you posted it here and I believe he was referring to the "he husband of one wife" part in the passage to be an overseer but I couldn't remember until you reposted this. Does, this mean I could never be a minister one day if I ever had this desire? Or, is it that "the husband of one wife" doesn't apply to divorce or has nothing to do with divorce?
 

Runningman

Well-known member
Mar 4, 2020
3,524
2,231
113
#7
Thank you so much for the advice. Yes, I was wondering about this he was referring to these scriptures now that you posted it here and I believe he was referring to the "he husband of one wife" part in the passage to be an overseer but I couldn't remember until you reposted this. Does, this mean I could never be a minister one day if I ever had this desire? Or, is it that "the husband of one wife" doesn't apply to divorce or has nothing to do with divorce?
I think it means you can’t be a polygamist. So if you remarry to one woman then you’re fine to be a minister.
 

jewilki1

New member
Jun 2, 2018
5
3
3
#8
This is indeed a heartbreaking situation. It must be for your daughter too, having to bounce back and forth and accept other people as family (whether she feels that connection to them or not).

Your first post raised some questions, but after reading your second post it just raises more questions. I'm sure I'm not the only one who notice these things and have more questions, so please don't mind that I point them out.

In the
2nd post you state:


But then in the
1st post you already stated:


Do you mean that her availability just happened in the last month or less?
If so, are you REALLY willing to be in a rebound relationship with someone?
From what I've observed by people who do this, it NEVER works outs.


next thought/question based on this:


Well, what was it that she thought you were messing up with/in?



The best advice I can give you for the times you are there home alone is to get alone with the Lord. Turn to Him, talk to Him, seek Him.
Perhaps this is a season for you to grow in relationship with Him.
Because no matter what happens in life, that is the most important relationship anyone can ever have.

I apologize for the confusion. So, to answer your questions I have known her since middle school but correct her availability happened in the last month or so. I was asking now since I have since personally gone through a divorce should I reach back out to her as a friend and see what happens. She publically posted stuff on Facebook so that is how I know what is going on and I commented on a few of her posts and she responded that is it so far. No, I for sure don't want to rebound but I want her to know she is not alone in what she is going through too.

As far as what she thought I was messing up in it was basically everything. I didn't listen to her. I didn't do things the way she wanted. For example, if I did something and it wasn't done at the exact moment she wanted it done or the exact way she would get mad and tell me you never listen to what I say. If I did something to be nice or fix something in the house she would point out the 1 flaw in what I did instead of thanking me. Her mother would do the same to her father this is where she learned this from. She was critical of everything I did.
 

jewilki1

New member
Jun 2, 2018
5
3
3
#9
I think it means you can’t be a polygamist. So if you remarry to one woman then you’re fine to be a minister.
I appreciate that, I could see that as well I never thought about it in that sense. When I read that I took it literally as the "husband of one wife".