Needing Prespective..from other married Christian guys..Possibly wives too (not sure)

Jeff1970 · Jul 23, 2010

First of all, I am new to this Christian Chat Site. I have not quite figured out all the navigations and/or specific areas of these forums and chat rooms. Therefore, I just want to give a brief overview of an area I would like to get direction, support, perspectives,,, AND some grace and understanding without judgment. And then be directed to an area on this site to discuss,,if this is not the right area.
I have been married for 22 yrs now to a great gal / women. Both of us have been blessed (given by God) with great kids, a good home, great jobs, health and fitness (for being 40), and awesome friends and family. However, I have opened the ole "Pandora box". I started viewing porn a few years back, and it got a hold of me... and it has been very difficult getting it to release me. My wife caught me looking at it twice now. This has cause beyond what I can describe as turmoil. Our life was great; we even had a white picket fence around our house... so why would I put my relationship with my wife at risk after so many blessings?! I don’t get it. I’m very angry with myself, but the addiction is beyond what I can control at this point. And here is the thing, I am a Christian man...I read the Bible, pray, yet I have allowed this to seep into my life (our lives). My wives, who use to be kind and sweet to me, is now cool and mean at times. Please understand, I GET what I have done. I GET I have a problem... But there is no way I can come out in the open with this (thus the discrete chartroom process). I don’t excuse it, but im really having a hard time with how my wife is treating me. BOY, I know how that sounds, but I know that if she would show me some support and grace and offer to stand by me and get help, it would make all the difference. But she won’t do that. I think she sees me as a filthy person. I would like to talk to other husbands that have faced this too -- or possibly wives that have husbands that have viewed porn... However, I will be honest, im reluctant to have wives respond. I think men and women (both think its wrong) but come from different perspectives which would offer up different levels of grace and direction that would be of benefit or distructive. (im fearful) ALSO, if there is a more appropriate area on this site I should discuss this, please let me know. Jeff, and God Bless

lighthousejohn · Jul 23, 2010

Jeff1970 said:

Jeff,
You have asked for help and I must tell you that you are not alone in this. Be assured that of that. You are quite right in saying that you are powerless to stop this. But God will not leave it at that. It is not his desire that you or your wife struggle with this. The key is "Are you willing to submit this to God and to leave it with Him?" The enemy is trying to destroy your relationship with God and he will destroy your marriage in the process. You must be willing to do whatever is necessesary to overcome this with God's help. If you are not willing to do this, then you are saying that you want to continue with it.

If you would be willing to PM me, I would be willing to help as much as I can. You cvan PM me by clicking on the control panel block under the site banner at the top of the page. When the control panel page opens up, there are a list of commands on the left side of the page; click on the "send new message" command. you can then type in my name lighthousejohn into the address line, then type your message. After you are done, hit submit message. I will get it immediately as soon as I log onto the sight.

My ministry has been one of helping people with addictive behaviors. I hope I can be of help to you also.

In Christ,
John

skybert · Jul 23, 2010

I feel for both of you. In my younger days I too would look at porn,magazines then. In the military it was always around and lets face it,men are visually attracted. Now I know that looking at and lusting over porn is exactly the same as having a full blown affair,and I think you have to take the same steps to fix it. You need to honestly let go of the "other woman" get counciling together and if she says no....go alone. You have to prove beyond any doubt that you know you were unfaithful and that it will never happen again. She needs 24/7 access to everything,your phone,email,webites. You have to leave the browsing history untouched so she can see that you are really changed. Having her and a good friend as accountibility partners is vital as well.

I wish you well and God bless.

Jeff1970 · Jul 23, 2010

Thanks Skybert.... I will tell you, im at the beginning of this process...and I have to get to the point where I truely believe that looking at porn and other women in porn is being unfaithful. I need to mature in this problem more, but right now, I feel I have not been unfaithful, but also feel a sense that is a lie from satan. But, I would never in a million years cheat ,,,but I understand your point. I realize i need to grow up a bit and face it as seriouis as cheating. My wife does have access to all my accounts and she looks... but I have not told her about this site yet... Scared to even tell her about this right now.

paul1149 · Jul 23, 2010

Hi Jeff,

First, It's a good thing that you're reaching out. I hope you find the insight and support that you need.

From my perspective, essentially you've opened a door that has let something in that definitely has the potential to bring your family crashing down. But the critical thing is that it's already not relegated to you, it's deeply affecting your wife, she reacting negatively, and what may be the edge of a giant wedge has already begun to be driven between you two.

If I understand correctly, she already knows about the problem. It seems to me that since the problem already affects you both, and her reactive behavior has indeed become part of the problem, in that you're not getting the support you need, that it is time to deal with it together. Because if things continue as they are going only distrust, distance and hard feelings are going to grow.

Pray on the whole thing, because only you are in the midst of the problem, but from my perspective this marital crisis is the time to get humble about your weaknesses and to seek her help. Being honest about it takes courage, and in fact carries risk, but it's the only way I know to start to rebuild trust. And the risk of not getting to the root of the problem together, and continuing on with a marital shell that doesn't come close to the oneness that it is supposed to be, is far greater. Then maybe both of you should seek help together if still necessary.

Sex is designed by the only wise God only for within the protective confines of covenant relationship. That is why viewing porn is a sin against your wife. You need to be clear on the import of what you are doing. And I think the feedback you have been getting is designed to help you in that regard. But emphatically, it's nothing to play with.

Take this to the Lord for confirmation, because it's too important to trust to someone online that you've never met. : )

Blessings,
p.

Blueberry · Jul 24, 2010

Im so sorry you are both going through this. Im sorry your wife isnt supporting you. It would be lovely if she could, but realistically she is probably going through her own turmoil to even think about you in that capacity. From a woman's point of view, if her husband has been looking at porn, the very first thing she will think is Im not good enough, Im too fat, Im not attractive to my husband anymore, etc. It would be a crushing blow to her self esteem, she would in all essence feel abandoned, rejected, hurt and so disappointed. So if you could try to understand why she is feeling angry then maybe you could try and reassure her that you dont think all those things. Porn is such a deception and lie that sucks millions of men into it. Its not realistic either. Most women dont have those sorts of bodies, especially women who have had children. So what also happens after men have visually seen something like that, is they view their wives differently, and possibly wonder why they dont look like that too. Its the same as female models, setting a media standard on what women should look like. Skinny and beautiful. Its totally unrealistic. Its a fantasy world, and not one we live in on a day to day basis. There are only a handful of top beautiful models in the world, yet the media expects women to look like that.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer up a woman's perspective on it. Try and reassure your wife she is still the beautiful woman you married. To be honest, I suspect a lot of men struggle with this. So don't feel alone. Its fantastic that you have reached out to try and get some help. If you don't it will only get worse, and you will get sucked into that black hole deeper and deeper.

Kaitlin · Jul 25, 2010

Yes, Blueberry describes a woman's perspective pretty well, and it is great that you're reaching out - you should tell your wife about this site, it will show her your willingness to work on it. Your attitude is crucial. The best thing you can do for her is accept her exactly how she is right now. Understand that her reactions come from hurt.

reformed101 · Jul 29, 2010

Hey Jeff,
I will be praying for you, your wife, children and this difficult situation you are in. First, I want to quote scripture... Matthew 5:27 "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery'; but I say to you, that everyone who looks on a woman to lust for her has committed adultery with her already in his heart". God judges our hearts and considers you to be an adulterer. But, with God's strength and grace, you can overcome this! I don't know if you've seen the movie "FIREPROOF" or not but the husband in the movie actually removes his computer from his home to keep from watching porn on the computer. He takes 'drastic measures' to remove the sin from his life. (See Matthew 5:29-30) The movie was excellent in showing how he had to earn his wife's trust back, how to love her, etc. A great christian movie that might give you some practical ideas. There are also programs that you can get (and I'm sorry I don't have a website for you to go to) to block ALL porn from any computer you would access that is FREE. I'll be praying specifically to soften your wife's heart with every positive step you take for her.God Bless you and your family ! Praise be to God the Father and Our Lord Jesus Christ .

Ricke · Aug 2, 2010

Jeff

I understand Fully what a destructive addiction can do to a marriage. Let me tell you My Story. It wasen't watching Porno, it was Gambling. What I am going to share with you is what happens to a basically sound minded person intelligent, hard worker, family man.

I had been married 7 years, had a beautiful 3 year old daughter who I adored. A wife I loved so much, and had started a thriving business the year before. I had quit a good paying Job in sales that made me stay put of town most of The week, and I just did not want to be away from.my little girl.

2 years later, things doing well, I get invited out by friends to attend A FridAY night Dog Racing (Greyhound) with my wife. I bet on various races, and only wound. Up losing like $10.00.
I go back again, the Devil is setting me up, but I cannot see it coming. Next , I'm going 3 nites a week, and taking off for The mid-week afternoon matinee. My focus now is more on figuring out the correct formula to parlay these races, then getting my business to grow I am getting obsessed, it is getting to be more of an addiction then I realized, and I am complete denial. One Afternoon I make a 3 bet....and won $6.000 and the Devil's claws dug in even deeper. My business is failing, I'm writing bad checks for cash to have money to Gamble with, then depositing the Money before the check clears my bank

My wife is now warning me if I don't stop she is leaving...my ears are stopped up. I do n' t want to listen, I know what I am doing... I'll be ok, and she will have lots of money I will show her. By now she is pregnant with my son. Be is born the following April. One night she tells me to leave the gambLing alone...her last and final warning. By now, I was addicted to the thrill of it all, I lied to her, then went again. I got home and She just told me to pack up and leave etc.

We split, and now I had Repented of Gambling but it was too late for our Marriage. I had lied so many times to her, puts in dire straight financially, and she was through. No more Marriage, no more business, no more being with my kids everyday. Satan was laughing at me, and I could not see it coming...he is a master of blindfolding people.

It took me almost 4 years to get back on my feet. Not only financialy, but emotionally. Today I have re-married almost 26 years to a wonderful Christian Girl. My kids now have kids. We are all close. I even see my ex sometimes visiting our daughter. I have no animosity for her. I blew it....Jeff I am telling you this, because Satan wants you in the same way. Think if watching Porno is worthosong your wife, kids daily?

Traderjane · Aug 5, 2010

Well, I'm a wife and not Christian (I'm Jewish) so I don't know if my thoughts on this will help but here they are. First, I don't for a moment believe that looking at pornography is the same as having a full blown affair. That does not mean that I think its fine to do but there are levels of transgression and looking at pictures of women is in no way comparable to sleeping with someone. I also think that to believe that once we are married we will never again feel any kind of attraction for another person is unrealistic. It doesn't hurt my marriage if I think Tom Cruise is cute. I'm not threatened if my husband thinks Jodie Foster is beautiful. What matters is that we come home to each other and to no one else. Again, I'm not saying that porn is fine. I'm only saying that I don't think we should be held to unrealistic standards. IF I have a "crush" on a movie star, that doesn't mean I find anything lacking in my spouse and he knows it. We are still humans with human physical reactions. What counts is that we don't act on them or let them interfere with our "real" lives. We both know that our marriage is sacrosanct and neither of us would ever "cheat" on the other.

The terrible sin comes in when an addiction --- any addiction consumes your life. I have seen a marriage break up becuase the spouse became addicted to farmville on facebook. He spent hours on it to the exclusion of all else. I have seen marriages fall apart becuase one spouse had an emotional infidelity with a good friend. No physical contact was ever made but the emotional closeness was just too intimate.

If my husband were looking at porn once in a very long while, I don't think it would hurt me very much. If he were doing that to the exclusion of everything else in life, that would be another story. If he were doing that while our own physical life together dried up then I would worry. If he were spending hours on porn and neglecting me and the children, we would have a huge problem.

I guess what I'm saying is, yes, you should give up the porn becuase it hurts her so deeply. But I don't think you need to think of yourself as a reprobate or as someone who has committed adultary.

kiwi_OT · Aug 5, 2010

Traderjane said:

Hmm see this is the tricky bit. We as Christians see Jesus as the biggest authority in the bible next to God the father and the Holy Spirit. You do not. Do you know how Ted Bundy that nasty serial murderer and rapist came to be that way? He came from a good Chrsitian family, and had good grades and had friends. It started because he had access to porn. And like alcohol and nicotine, after you've had a bit for a while, you get used to it, and it no longer gives you the "hit" you require, so you go for something a bit more hardcore. And the cycle continues so on and so forth. Until it gets to the point where a sneak peak at a naked woman turns into an actual affair, so Jesus was really ahead of his time and very wise to state that lust and adultery are the same thing. All sin leads to death.

Do you have daughters? Would you allow them to enter the sex industry? Knowing that men will masturbate to their image? How do you think the fathers of those models would react to you knowing what you do? What if those models have children? Do you think if they knew what you were doing would they be happy? Did you know incest and abuse is bootcamp into that arena?

Why arent you being accountable to your wife about this? And above all else why are you not being honest with yourself in knowing that not confessing this to an Elder at your church is exactly what Satan wants. Lying and hiding something like this, you will not be able to hide. Its like being a little bit pregant. You can hide for a while but it will show eventually. I bet people have already clicked that something is not right in your household. You are telling your wife without words that you no longer trust her to make you happy, your acting like your the victim and that its impossible to get out of this. The bible says that God never allows more temptation than we can handle. Back then you had the choice to say no. And you blew it.
Heres what I think you should do:

Read this:
http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/downloads/relit_ebook_pac.pdf
If this doesnt make you think differently about these women then your now very messed up.

Confess this to an elder in front of your wife. Be accountable and find supportive men in your church who have gone through the same thing and beaten it.

Read your bible with some serious discernment. I suggest 1 Peter and Galations.

And if your serious about beating this after recieving forgiveness from your wife, tell her to download this:
Password your Programs, Encrypt Files & Lock the Internet
It is a trustworthy download that gives enscripted password control to the user on what can and cannot be accessed on the internet by the user.

And if you have sons. Apologise and repent to them too, cos statistically most boys have viewed porn by age 11, and they need to understand how wrong it is to treat an image let alone a daughter of God that way.

Enough said.

paul1149 · Aug 5, 2010

On the practical side, a technical aid in filtering the Internet is simply to set up a free account with OpenDNS | Internet Navigation And Security and then switch your DNS settings to their servers. You don't need the account to use their excellent servers, which tend to be faster than those of most ISPs, but with the account you will be able to block entire categories of websites - porn, gore, gambling, graphics searches, and a hundred more, and it's all customizable.

The whole thing is easy to do and I would be willing to help if necessary. And if you make the changes at the router level then every computer in the home or office is covered. If any of these behaviors a serious problem, then this kind of thing could be a very significant help.

Meridoc · Aug 6, 2010

Jeff1970 said:

You have to remember, what looking at porn is, is lust. Lust according to Jesus is the same as adultery. When you look at porn you are viewing women other than your wife as your standard of beauty, this obviously is really very insulting to you wife. It would make her feel awful and not pretty enough, particularly as you and your wife get older and her view of her beauty likely is already taking a hit.

I have struggled with this mightily, including during my marriage, so if you would like to chat about this I am certainly willing to help and support you in anyway I can. I will be praying for you! God Bless you particularly during your time of struggle.

kiwi_OT · Aug 6, 2010

Im sorry for my harsh comments earlier. It is not my place as a young woman but I do believe you have grace to turn this around. My fiance (who is Meridoc) understands what your going through so please contact him. Also please read that link of that book, it is very useful.
God bless

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Needing Prespective..from other married Christian guys..Possibly wives too (not sure)

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