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[sunshine9]

Hi I have never used a chat room before but I needed to talk to someone and I didn't want to go anywhere there might be inappropriate conversations ETC... Anyway I have been married almost 19 years and we have 5 children. It has often been a rocky road, my husband comes from a very, shall we say, angry family. I wasn't really listening to our Lord when I decided to marry him 19 years ago and I see that now but I have always tried to make the best of things. The problem is that the past 7 or so years have been a steady decline into almost constant bitterness from my husband. He only sees the negative in everything. He has decided that my family is the scapegoat for all his problems in life. I am one of 9 children from a not perfect but very loving family. For example I am not kidding when I say that if my husbands car broke down he would find a way to blame it on my family. Even if he had not seen or spoken to someone in my family in over a month it would be their fault. I have always tried to keep the peace, almost always keeping quiet in order to avoid setting my husband off but now I am really worried. Lately he has begun repeating things when he is making his points(usually in a very intense manner). What I mean is that he will say his point and I will try to respond and he will say it again and I will try to respond then he will look at me and say aren't you going to say anything? Then when I respond its like he doesn't hear me at all and he will repeat his thought or point like 5 more times, I do not exaggerate. We were having a discussion (disciplining our 15 year old) tonight. Our son responded to him and my husband started yelling at him like he had not responded at all . My son was really freaked out. He kept looking at me because he was afraid to respond but also afraid not to respond. I tried to explain to my husband but he said I was defending my son. I was just trying to explain that my son had responded and intelligently so. My husband is not an evil man and he does have a lot of good qualities but this is beginning to affect our children and it has become an almost every day thing. He wont go to counseling and he thinks as long as he apologizes everything should go back to normal .That is partly my fault because that is what I have always done to keep the peace but it is so intense and scary (his repeating himself and not realizing it) that I cant let this go on for my children's sake. Sorry this is so long I did not know where to go and if I tell my family they wont understand (and would be very hurt because they have no idea he despises them) . He waits until we get home from a family function and then goes on a rant about almost everyone in my family. He will continue to complain about them literally for days. The irony is that they haven't a clue. When I tell him i'm going to finally explain things to them he becomes irate. Sorry again this is so long. I just thought maybe someone might have some experience in dealing in this type of situation.Thanks for your time reading this.

 

[Tethered]

Welcome to CC
I'm saddened to hear such circumstance, I know there are a lot of nice active people in the chatroom's (click the 'Chat now' button on the home page ) who will help you understand navigation questions quickly and or provide a selection of people to talk one-on-one with.

Maybe we can request a mod to move this topic into the Christian Family Forum or the Prayer Forum to get attention from people more predisposed to talk this out with?

 

[danschance]

Hi sunshine9

That sounds very difficult. Even if he is not willing to see a counselor, Maybe you could? I've never heard of such a circumstance before.

How long has he been like this?

 

[kenisyes]

They call it stress. You need to get him to pray together with you about what is troubling him. Find out how you can minister to him to take some of the stress off of him. (If that's even possible, you may be just as overwhelmed, but find it easier being from a large family.) And you need to do it six and a half years ago. Each child you need to raise means less time for the two of you together. It's probably just his job, and the general disappointment at one thing and another mounting up over the years.

Realize also, that being from an angry family, expressing anger is probably what he thinks is how families ought to communicate to build a bond. Being from a large family, you probably have learned the same thing for tolerance and listening carefully for comparatively short conversations. The two of you may need to become aware of this difference, to discuss and adjust how you communciate. The more demanding life gets, the more you rely on what you believe is the "proper" method of communication, feeling it will make more time to deal with the ongoing problems. You can stop the vicious cycle, by simply becoming aware of it.

A third point, men are raised to believe they are supposed to accomplish something. As they near 50, they tend to reevaluate their life goals. If they do not feel they have fulfilled these expectations, this is additional stress.

 

[BishopSEH]

Tell your family. By not doing this you are cutting off you own support. I can from an angry family too. Yelling was how we communicated. We also had voices that carry and even from inside the house our fights could be heard over a mile away. When i joined my wife's family I was of good fortune that I was open, though I did not know it, to a different way.

So a few things. First, remove the hand a discipline from your husband. Until he can get control of his anger he can not properly discipline. An act that should never, ever be done in anger. To do so wounds the spirit instead of corrects behavior. In short it turn from discipline to abuse.

Second, and this will be hard. You need to have a family meeting in which your husband is not present. Not to conspire against him but to conspire for him. The whole family needs to respond in love when he spews his anger. All in the house literally wrap your arms around him and tell him he is loved. Get your side of the family on board to do the same.

After you inform your family of your husbands actions and words ask them for help. Next time you and your family visit together surround and embrace you husband. Each of you tell him, while embracing him. something you love about him. My belief is this will crack the armor he has on his heart which has been there since before you married him.

I am going to move outside my usual interaction here for the sake of you. Before i met my wife i was awful. Angry all the time. mean and very very violent. Look at me the wrong way and i would knock a person out violent. For me it was a survival mechanism but even when i was removed from the environment where it aided me i continued in it. My wife's family showed me love from the outset and i didn't have the foggiest idea how to deal with it. i was repulsed because i knew there was an agenda, they wanted something from me. It turns out i was right. They wanted to be loved back.

I wish I could tell you love is immediately transformative but i can't. Love like sanctification is a process, Your husband didn't become like this overnight and opening him up won't happen that way either. Everytime your husband starts showing his anger you need to embrace him and share your love for him and so does the rest of the family. It will be hard and it will hurt but it will be worth it.

Jesus loved us enough to die on a roman cross for us. Anyone think that love didn't hurt? We were abusive to God and He responded with love. Can we do any less? Granted we don't need to go to the extreme of physically being nailed to a cross but we do need to willing accept the pain that redemption requires. Which the Lord you can overcome this and in the process the Lord will find His home in your husband too.

In Christ,

Bishop SEH

 

[sunshine9]

First of all I want to thank you all for responding. I did not know what I was doing the other night but now I know the Lord definitely had a hand in it. To Kenisyes and to BishopSEH I don't know how to thank you for your words of wisdom and kindness, they have truly helped me. I have never seen the situation threw different eyes. I do believe stress and being a middle aged man are factors in this. I am going to try to come up with an actual way for us to communicate that does not involve anger and yelling. I now see how the anger he was raised with might be what is keeping him from excepting the love my family has to offer. I cried when I read about how you felt your wife's family had an agenda. That is exactly how my husband is. Everybody wants something from him and to think that they really love him or that they simply want to share time with him is something he cant believe. I have been so afraid to tell my family or friends but now I see how they might be able to help me. I think perhaps my own insecurities or shame have kept me from doing the right thing for everyone involved. I am going to pray more then I have ever done before. I do believe so much in the power of prayer. I am going to try just loving him and literally putting my arms around him when he begins to stress. I am also going to tell my family and ask for their help. Its not going to be easy but I think it is the best way. Please keep us in your prayers as you all shall be forever in mine. Thank you.

 

[jerusalem]

irrational behavior isn't nescessarily explainable in rational terms. it isn't what he is doing that is explainable but why he is doing it, he knows your family isn't to blame but he also knows that as long as he uses this tactic you have no explanation or defense for it. that is his motivational base. he is a power and control freak. the whole purpose of his behavior is to be in the dominant seat. i hope you will seek out literature and or counselling to help you to not only understand his behavior but your own response to it andfind your way out of this through prayerful search. i am sending prayers your way