H
Hello All,
I've been reading the archives and already have received so much help. There are some wise people here. I have no one to talk with about my situation and am hoping there are people here who can help me through this and hold me accountable.
Background and beliefs:
Marriage is for life, divorce is not an option.
We've been married 30 years.
I love dh.
He loves me.
Dh is a good man, will give you the shirt off his back, will do anything for you.
Dh doesn't run around, drink, carouse or anything like that.
Dh is a hard worker, great father, excellent provider.
Dh brings flowers on a regular basis.
Dh indulges me with whatever I want.
There are many women who would give their eyeteeth to be in my position.
And ... I'm incredibly, chest crushingly lonely and mourning what our marriage could be.
Our day consists of:
Coffee in the morning.
Kiss good bye.
Call at lunch.
Kiss when dh comes home.
Dh watches TV and falls asleep on the couch.
Sometimes we have sex.
Start all over.
I'm afraid to even pay attention to how little conversation we actually have.
I make sure that I spend no significant amount of time with any man because I know how fragile my emotional state is. It would take just a smidge of attention from any man for me to have an emotional affair, if not an outright affair, and that is not a path I want to even start to go down.
Over the years I've tried to tell dh how I feel and even to engage him in regular conversation. He does talk. When someone else talks to him, he's all chatty.
I've planned fun things for us to do, either just plain fun, or things to do while the kids were at AWANA which was supposed to be "date" night. Things you do with just your spouse. The first year he made it home 3 times in time for us to have a date. The next 4 years he never made it home even once. I spent 3 years trying to be more sexually appealing. Finally threw the lingerie in the trash because it was too depressing for me. I couldn't handle the seeming rejection. He either didn't notice, didn't like it, or didn't like the body in it. I'm sad to admit that I am about 30 lbs overweight.
For years I was just angry that he did not see the value in spending time with me or having a conversation with me even once a week. I'm sure that my anger was evident and didn't help.
The thought of 30 more years like this are overwhelming. I can't even begin to imagine it. The thought is like a black cloud looming over me. A couple of years ago, in an email, I told him how I feel. I even suggested that if I did not know his character better I would think he was either having an outright affair or an emotional affair. I know he read it because of things he said afterwards. He never denied having an affair and I never asked. I would assume that if someone accused you of an affair and it were not true, you would at least deny it. At this point I don't want to know and it would be hard to believe him now if he did deny it.
Anyway, things got slightly better. I told myself to be grateful for whatever and however long it lasted ... because it would eventually end and things would go back to how they were. It did. It lasted about 6 months though. I was fine until this year. I've had a lot of reminders of what a truly close marriage looks like. There have been opportunities for us to connect in Bible studies on marriage, but there was always something more important. (I admit that is my slant. He had to bowl with his mother. That makes him sound like a mama's boy, but in his mind he had made a commitment to her and the team). We had our 30th wedding anniversary party which was probably the most painful time in my life. How does one look and act like you are celebrating something like that when inside you are aching. I told myself that 30 years is an important milestone in itself. And finally our own son is getting married in October. I desperately want to tell him, "Don't stop talking to her. Don't stop spending time with her. Don't stop telling her you love her."
I've considered leaving, but discarded that idea because I know it is unscriptural.
I've considered suicide, but haven't found a way that would be foolproof and wouldn't leave others hurting.
So now I am trying to accept and resign myself to a lonely marriage ... for me. Dh is seemingly happy with a coffee in the morning/ TV at night/sometimes have sex/start all over the next day marriage. I have been focusing on how blessed I am and ministering to others. I TRY to be cheerful, but I confess more often than I am, I'm not.
Believe me I am no saint and can be hard to live with. I read the article on 13 ways to tell if your wife is emotionally abusive. I'm saddened to admit that I saw traits in myself. He's probably been waiting for me to shut up for 25 years. Poor man.
Why is it coming to a head now? Our youngest is going off to college in a month. Then I will have nothing to distract me. The silence (and snoring ... just a little attempt at humor) will be deafening. I've tried pushing and engaging him over the years. All it has gotten is an angry wife, changes for a few months, and then back to the same old thing. For whatever reason he can't or won't or doesn't want a close relationship. Maybe what I want is unrealistic. Maybe all marriages are like this and I just believe the load of crap that I read about. Although I try not to think about it, I do think about, and consequently I'm sad all the time. I need to redirect my thoughts, wants, desires and dare I say needs.
I need a mature wise Christian woman to hold me accountable to be the wife I should be. I cannot talk with anyone in my church because I do not want anyone to think poorly of dh. He really, truly is a wonderful man. I'm extremely blessed to have him. Just also extremely lonely. I'm scared to death of what might happen to my resolve when it is just the two of us.
So that is a long way around saying, anyone here who can hold me accountable to
- being a cheerful, supportive, encouraging wife;
- focusing on God and being what He wants me to be, His wants for me, God fulfilling me
- not being the sad, crying, angry wife I am inside
I know that once my attitude and expectations change, I won't be sad anymore or in danger of running off with the first man who shows me any attention. Please don't say, "Tell your husband." I've tried talking with him until I was blue in the face. The pain of things getting better and then going back to the same old ways would be more than I could bear. Sadder than imagining a marriage relationship wasted at the end of our lives.
I made my user name "hope" because I have hope to get through this. I simply must change me. If there is no one who feels like they can help me, I have found some things in the archives and I will be concentrating on those wise words. (Gosh this was long. Sorry about that.)
I've been reading the archives and already have received so much help. There are some wise people here. I have no one to talk with about my situation and am hoping there are people here who can help me through this and hold me accountable.
Background and beliefs:
Marriage is for life, divorce is not an option.
We've been married 30 years.
I love dh.
He loves me.
Dh is a good man, will give you the shirt off his back, will do anything for you.
Dh doesn't run around, drink, carouse or anything like that.
Dh is a hard worker, great father, excellent provider.
Dh brings flowers on a regular basis.
Dh indulges me with whatever I want.
There are many women who would give their eyeteeth to be in my position.
And ... I'm incredibly, chest crushingly lonely and mourning what our marriage could be.
Our day consists of:
Coffee in the morning.
Kiss good bye.
Call at lunch.
Kiss when dh comes home.
Dh watches TV and falls asleep on the couch.
Sometimes we have sex.
Start all over.
I'm afraid to even pay attention to how little conversation we actually have.
I make sure that I spend no significant amount of time with any man because I know how fragile my emotional state is. It would take just a smidge of attention from any man for me to have an emotional affair, if not an outright affair, and that is not a path I want to even start to go down.
Over the years I've tried to tell dh how I feel and even to engage him in regular conversation. He does talk. When someone else talks to him, he's all chatty.
I've planned fun things for us to do, either just plain fun, or things to do while the kids were at AWANA which was supposed to be "date" night. Things you do with just your spouse. The first year he made it home 3 times in time for us to have a date. The next 4 years he never made it home even once. I spent 3 years trying to be more sexually appealing. Finally threw the lingerie in the trash because it was too depressing for me. I couldn't handle the seeming rejection. He either didn't notice, didn't like it, or didn't like the body in it. I'm sad to admit that I am about 30 lbs overweight.
For years I was just angry that he did not see the value in spending time with me or having a conversation with me even once a week. I'm sure that my anger was evident and didn't help.
The thought of 30 more years like this are overwhelming. I can't even begin to imagine it. The thought is like a black cloud looming over me. A couple of years ago, in an email, I told him how I feel. I even suggested that if I did not know his character better I would think he was either having an outright affair or an emotional affair. I know he read it because of things he said afterwards. He never denied having an affair and I never asked. I would assume that if someone accused you of an affair and it were not true, you would at least deny it. At this point I don't want to know and it would be hard to believe him now if he did deny it.
Anyway, things got slightly better. I told myself to be grateful for whatever and however long it lasted ... because it would eventually end and things would go back to how they were. It did. It lasted about 6 months though. I was fine until this year. I've had a lot of reminders of what a truly close marriage looks like. There have been opportunities for us to connect in Bible studies on marriage, but there was always something more important. (I admit that is my slant. He had to bowl with his mother. That makes him sound like a mama's boy, but in his mind he had made a commitment to her and the team). We had our 30th wedding anniversary party which was probably the most painful time in my life. How does one look and act like you are celebrating something like that when inside you are aching. I told myself that 30 years is an important milestone in itself. And finally our own son is getting married in October. I desperately want to tell him, "Don't stop talking to her. Don't stop spending time with her. Don't stop telling her you love her."
I've considered leaving, but discarded that idea because I know it is unscriptural.
I've considered suicide, but haven't found a way that would be foolproof and wouldn't leave others hurting.
So now I am trying to accept and resign myself to a lonely marriage ... for me. Dh is seemingly happy with a coffee in the morning/ TV at night/sometimes have sex/start all over the next day marriage. I have been focusing on how blessed I am and ministering to others. I TRY to be cheerful, but I confess more often than I am, I'm not.
Believe me I am no saint and can be hard to live with. I read the article on 13 ways to tell if your wife is emotionally abusive. I'm saddened to admit that I saw traits in myself. He's probably been waiting for me to shut up for 25 years. Poor man.
Why is it coming to a head now? Our youngest is going off to college in a month. Then I will have nothing to distract me. The silence (and snoring ... just a little attempt at humor) will be deafening. I've tried pushing and engaging him over the years. All it has gotten is an angry wife, changes for a few months, and then back to the same old thing. For whatever reason he can't or won't or doesn't want a close relationship. Maybe what I want is unrealistic. Maybe all marriages are like this and I just believe the load of crap that I read about. Although I try not to think about it, I do think about, and consequently I'm sad all the time. I need to redirect my thoughts, wants, desires and dare I say needs.
I need a mature wise Christian woman to hold me accountable to be the wife I should be. I cannot talk with anyone in my church because I do not want anyone to think poorly of dh. He really, truly is a wonderful man. I'm extremely blessed to have him. Just also extremely lonely. I'm scared to death of what might happen to my resolve when it is just the two of us.
So that is a long way around saying, anyone here who can hold me accountable to
- being a cheerful, supportive, encouraging wife;
- focusing on God and being what He wants me to be, His wants for me, God fulfilling me
- not being the sad, crying, angry wife I am inside
I know that once my attitude and expectations change, I won't be sad anymore or in danger of running off with the first man who shows me any attention. Please don't say, "Tell your husband." I've tried talking with him until I was blue in the face. The pain of things getting better and then going back to the same old ways would be more than I could bear. Sadder than imagining a marriage relationship wasted at the end of our lives.
I made my user name "hope" because I have hope to get through this. I simply must change me. If there is no one who feels like they can help me, I have found some things in the archives and I will be concentrating on those wise words. (Gosh this was long. Sorry about that.)
my favorite type of post, even though I pray your situation will improve. 
