Please help!

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bobbie

Guest
#1
#1
I am looking for some advice and prayer. It’s a long story but I will try to make it as short as possible. I met my husband 8 yrs ago. I have 3 boys ages 23,22 and 20(not by him).He has a 18 yr old daughter. I love all our children but they have put us through so much. From stealing, drugs, skipping school, quitting school, being put in jail, sex, and a few other things. My husband gave up and told them all to move out. He will not speak to them and they are not allowed at our home. Before we moved to our new home the house we lived in was in my name so he couldn’t say anything about them visiting, now that we have moved he says they are not allowed there while he is alive, neither when he is dead. Yesterday his daughter called and told him she is graduating high school and getting a job. Now all of a sudden he is willing to talk to her and have lunch with her. My sons all work for me in construction and are doing a lot better but he refuses to speak to them. I am so upset, I am happy that he has decided to forgive his daughter but it hurts me so bad that my sons can’t come visit me. I don’t know what to do, my sons feel like I pick my husband over them. Can someone give me some advice?
 
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dmdave17

Guest
#2
#2
Dear bobbie,

It sounds very much like your husband is not a believer or, at best, a 'CINO' (rhymes with 'RINO'). In that case, you will probably have a very hard time finding common ground for a discussion. Only Christians are familiar with the concept that we are to forgive just as God has forgiven us. In your case, I believe, the best thing you can do is set a good example for everyone concerned. Do not speak ill of anyone involved in the relationships, and try to be open and loving to everyone.
Since you are in construction, I assume that you have your own source of income. In that case, you can choose to see your sons any time you want, as long as it is not in your residence (I hesitate to call it your "home"). Show them as much love and concern as you can, but show your stepdaughter as much, if given the opportunity. Try to make your sons understand that you are not choosing their stepfather over them; and that a roof and four walls do not constitute a relationship. Make certain your husband understands that you have forgiven your sons, just as you have forgiven his daughter, and make it clear to him that you do not share his attitude toward them. This, I believe, is your right since it seems that your husband falls far short of warranting the submission spoken of in the Bible.
Beyond that, pray for everyone involved. Ask God to intervene in your situation and to soften your husband's heart so that he is able to forgive all his children, just as God himself is willing to do. And pray that everyone in your extended family finds God through Jesus Christ, and learns what it is like to "love your neighbor as yourself".

I hope this helps.
 
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bobbie

Guest
#3
#3
Thank you, yes this helps alot, my husband was saved and baptized last year. Since then he has been backsliding and not attending church. I pray for him and my family every night. I do get to see my sons every day, they work with me, so I am fortunate to see them daily. I also treat his daughter as if she were mine. Thank you for confirming what I believe I should be doing.
 
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Crabcake

Guest
#4
#4
Bobbie,

May I also suggest pastoral counseling? Oftentimes, couples do not seek their pastor's spiritual guidance when they really should. Oftentimes, a marital relationship can be enriched by a Christian marriage therapist. God bless you and I will be praying for you and your family. In His Grace.
 
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LaraHugs

Guest
#5
#5
Bobbie, it isn't uncommon for Steps in a family to not get along, so don't feel like you are the only one dealing with these kinds of issues. I know it's sad, and maybe one day if every one puts enough energy into prayer, it would mend itself. But, now, unfortunately, this is a real-life issue that so many people get emotionally injured over it.

Steps go through various negative feelings of jealousy and resentment, and these feelings have to be validated if they are to be addressed properly.

"From stealing, drugs, skipping school, quitting school, being put in jail, sex, and a few other things. My husband gave up and told them all to move out. He will not speak to them and they are not allowed at our home. Before we moved to our new home the house we lived in was in my name so he couldn’t say anything about them visiting, now that we have moved he says they are not allowed there while he is alive, neither when he is dead."

If you look at that above, it becomes easy to see that while the home was in your name, the children were allowed to visit, eventhough he said they weren't allowed to. By him making this decision of the kids not allowing to be there, and yet, they were able to visit because he didn't have any say in the matter ~~~~ contributes in setting the environment for him to be resentful.

I'm not saying you are wrong, I'm merely pointing out how it has come to him feeling so resentful in this situation. He felt totally out of control. Now, with you seeing your children everyday, he's going to become more unreasonable, and the more unreasonable he becomes, the more your children are going to become jealous over your loyalty to your husband.

One big, vicious circle **sighs**

So, what you have to work on is joining them by means of relativity, rather than using up your love for both sides by responding to their verbal assaults on each other.

What I mean is - find something that they need each other for, work on making them feel like they need the other. For example, let's say your husband is a good painter, and one of your kids needs to paint his bathroom. Ask your husband FOR the kid and tell him it's for the kid.

Dialog: James doesnt' know what kind of paint to use in a wet room, his bathroom, honey, he wants to know if he should use flat paint.

At first your husband might bark some remark, but, after time he will begin feel like James (ficticious name) needs him, wants him.

And do visaversa .... find things that are relative, that your husband might need one of your children for, and help to build a bridge towards each other.


 
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