Pursuing Whom I Believe to Be My Wife (Even though she's in a relationship)

[wanderer6059]

Good day brothers and sisters in Christ, I'm having a very difficult issue I'm facing and although I'm leaning on God for His direction and guidance regarding the matter, I feel as though hearing from others may help tremendously, this post may be long so I appreciate those of you who read this in full. The question is in regards to if I am to pursue someone whom I believe is my wife...

I was recently in a relationship for 3 years and we broke up in June, we continued to talk for a few months until I felt that us being friends was not going to work. During our relationship, she brought and introduced me to Christ whom I had absolutely no prior relationship with, but the attending of church helped me get drawn to Jesus and with me hearing His voice, and seeking to live for Him, it caused quite a rift in our relationship. From going to church, hearing the word, to going home to have intercourse that very next hour, it was quite an experience to go through. We had our issues in the relationship (like every relationship) and I knew that everything would be much better in it, if we had just brought God into it.

I'm 26, and she is 22, so I've always felt as if we were in two different places mentally, and sometimes (I still do) would give her the benefit of the doubt because I know how I was at 22, and you couldn't get me to budge on anything. I have always had a belief that God put us together for a reason, and that we were meant for each other, as in she was the one for me, and I for her. She grew up in the church, and there's rumors out there about those growing up in church being the "worst ones" (whatever that means lol) but I still looked past that. She once told me that she has a gift of bringing whomever she dates closer to God, (a previous boyfriend of hers accepted Christ at 17) and I didn't fully accept Christ into my life until just 2 months ago (Sept. 18) when I was baptized, some 3 months after we had broken up. I told her while we towards the end of our relationship, that the reason that is, is because she would need a man that would have a strong foundation in the Lord to where he is able to bring her back to Him, something I truly believe.

I have not spoken to her since October, she ended up finding someone as a rebound, and now they are currently dating, a social media site says they've been dating since July, although I am aware that they have been talking since maybe April. In her confusion towards the end of our relationship, I felt as if she was trying to compare and contrast the differences between me and him, something I refused to be apart of which is why I let go and tried to move on. I prayed to God that He would not allow this to happen and that He would find favor in me and give me one last chance to do right by Him and her, obviously with no answer. 3 years of my life with my absolute best friend is something I could not fathom of letting go,and I was afraid of being alone, but in this time of us not talking, I was able to learn that I wasn't alone, and that God was and is with me the entire time. I've been following the leading of His spirit, and I do struggle with recognizing His voice, trying to discern whether it is of Him or if I'm putting these thoughts in my own head.

Well Thanksgiving she called me, and while I was not expecting it (was kind of hoping for it) I was very happy to hear from her. We talked for about an hour and one of my main questions was how she was doing with her relationship with Jesus. She told me that she is again starting to pray, that she's been praying for me, and that she's taking baby steps in regards to the entire situation...

This is where my question comes in because I immediately felt as if it was a duty of mine, and that everything that has happened between us, has brought us to this exact point. Although we are not together, and although she is with the other guy, I felt that as a Godly man, as a Godly husband, it is my responsibility to lead, to lead my wife, a Godly woman, to be her head, and to just be who it is that God has called me to be. Now I am still young in my spiritual walk, so I'm still unsure if I'm jumping the gun, if I'm overreacting, or what the case may be. Since she called, I can't get her out of my mind, and by the grace of God, He'a answered my prayers of bringing me peace of mind because my thoughts can literally get out of control when it comes to her, regarding the pain, regarding the joy and regarding her current boyfriend, whom I know I shouldn't be jealous of but in my mind, he's messing around with my wife and that I don't take too kindly lol.

I really don't know what to do in this situation, and I know that I need to remain patient and just wait on the Lord and He will continue to show me the way. I don't want to force myself to do anything outside of His will, and mess up the blessing of what He has planned for me but I feel as if, if there was a place to take a leap of faith, this would be it. We would routinely call each other at 5:30 in the morning just to speak before I started work and she went on about her day, and I'm thinking of doing that, but just to pray for or with one another before we head out.

What's stopping me from doing all this, is her current boyfriend. I have issues, speaking to someone while they are involved in a relationship, especially in this manner because it's something I would not appreciate if I were him, and I always respect people and their relationships. Then this voice pops in my head and says that me and her have been together for 3 years, we were a few months away from marriage, and that she is the one whom I was to marry... my relationship with her triumphs anything they have. (Something I don't want to act on because I'm not sure if it's coming from God and because I'm not sure, I know it's not.)

So I'm really at a standstill, and am obviously feeling that I need to continue to be patient and wait on the Lord because Romans 8 tells us, that all things work together for the good of those who are called according to his purpose.

I'm really just curious if I have the correct mindset about being the Godly husband for her and leading her. Am I wrong to think this is the time for the leap of faith? Do I leave her alone and continue doing what I was doing before her call? Because I'm really unsure, and I continue praying about it, I know I truly need to continue to be patient but I'm not sure if this is God speaking to me and letting me know that my time is coming...

Really really seeking Godly advice.

Thank you for fully reading this

i was in a place much like this brother, and with all the factors you mention, the best thing to do is pray "His will, not mine." for me it worked out and the relationship was mended, but if it hadn't i would have known it was ok, because in the end i still had Him, and thats all that really matters.

 

[melita916]

she is currently in a dating relationship.

she is not single.

if her current relationship is to end, it is to be because she and her current boyfriend came to that conclusion. not because someone else intervened.

best thing to do is give her space. even if they do break up, starting a "new" relationship right after is not healthy.

focus on your relationship with the Lord.

 

[Tinkerbell725]

Those who believe in missionary dating are questionable. They are deceiving themselves. You can lead unbelievers to Christ without dating them. You could be just one of her missions. And now that mission is accomplished she moves on to the next. Even if she comes back to you, it's still not wise to trust her.

 

[presidente]

First of all, I don't know if God wants her to be your wife or not. I wouldn't take your feelings of connection and longing for her as evidence.

A dating relationship is basically nothing. I mean it is not marriage. As far as getting in the way of a dating relationship goes, the Golden rule applies like it does to everything else 'whatsoever ye would that men would do to you, do ye even so to them.' Of course, that has to be interpreted in light of what is right in the sight of God. (Some people want you to fornicate with them, shoot up with them, etc.) But breaking up in a dating relationship and dating someone else isn't adultery. It's not like divorce and remarriage contrary to the teachings of Jesus.

When you are dating, you don't have any 'rights' to the other person. That means, you don't have any rights to her as your wife. You didn't ask her daddy's hand in marriage. You didn't take her as a wife.

As far as having a duty to her, you slept with her. If she was a virgin when you did this and she hasn't been with anyone else including this other guy, then maybe you have a moral obligation to marry her if she'll have you and her father agrees. But if it were me, and the woman wasn't even married to me and slept with some other guy, I'd let her go. I say that knowing I am not emotionally involved, of course. My situation was different. My wife and I both waited.

You were an unbeliever. She was a believer, right? Or was she an 'unsaved' girl raised in church? She shouldn't have slept with you. You shouldn't have slept with her, but you may have been operating at a much higher level of spiritual things at the time.

If it were me, and I had a 5:30 conversation with her, and I wanted back with her, I'd probably tell her that. You could tell her that if she isn't interested in pursuing that kind of relationship, she shouldn't be having these phone calls with you. If she breaks up with the other guy to go back with you... they aren't married. These boyfriend-girlfriend relationships aren't real marriage. But before you put a ring on her finger, you should try to ascertain that if you do marry her, is she going to be calling this other guy at 5 AM after the "I do's". There could be a better girl out there for you. If she's head-strong, that is generally not the best characteristic for a wife. We've all got our personalities and our weaknesses. I'm just saying that's not that great of a trait.

If it were me, I'd want to know if she'd slept with the other guy. If she had, I'd try to excuse my bruised and battered emotions from a potential relationship with her. One thing you could do is apologize for sleeping with her before marriage and take the conversation from there. If this guy doesn't sleep with her because he is a believer, strong in her faith, and if she's agreed to abstain from fornication, then she may tell you that without hesitation. If she's been sleeping with him, then she may not appreciate the discussion, or who knows, she may not care the way some young people are these days. if she has slept with him, and she ends up with you, that makes things a lot more complicated emotionally. I wouldn't want to mess with it, but my wife and I were virgins at marriage, and I probably think about these things a lot differently from other people.

There is some old research that shows that women who'd only ever slept with their husbands were a lot less likely to get a divorce Teachman (1990). Even those who'd fornicated with their husbands before marriage, but only their husbands, had the lower divorce rate. Virginity at marriage is the ideal for a young bride.

 

[d11king]

Oh wow I appreciate all the many responses in this post as they are indeed helpful and I would like to update you guys on the current happenings as well as change some of the tone.

I think using the word "pursuing" was definitely wrong as I most definitely am not chasing after her nor am I trying to intervene in her current relationship. It's crazy how much has happened to me mentally since a one hour phone conversation on Thanksgiving, but as for the update and semi-testimony.

I can't quote you now cause I'm on mobile as well as in the middle of this post but to the last poster, I would definitely say she was more of an "unsaved" believer growing up in the church, whom probably around her teen years became more rebellious and eventually started having questions concerning God that she needed answered.

Our relationship definitely wasn't Godly, but during the relationship, maybe after the first year, God was desperately trying to get my attention. I honestly view it as Jesus knocking on the door and patiently waiting for me to answer. In that time I didn't, and I still battled the demons I had to battle, (including a porn addiction) things which ultimately led to the demise of our relationship and it was in these moments where I realized my failures with not only myself and her, but with God. ((Lamentations 3 is a chapter I always relate to when thinking of my testimony with her)). Towards our breakup, I would pray that He would give me another chance with her, (this prior to my baptism) because it was always my belief that we were to be together. Our bond was/is very strong and I really was about 4-5 months from popping the question prior to our breakup. (Weird I know)

After my baptism, my prayers for her coming back kind of stopped because obviously she ended up getting with someone and what was the point lol.... so I really just prayed for her salvation and protection and guidance. For two months we didn't speak up until the day of the phone call on Thanksgiving. My number one focus since my baptism is my relationship with God, and my faith has grown ridiculously because of the grace and mercy I have received from Him. He truly has blessed me and guided me in the time that I have spent with Him, as I'm truly one of those new believers on fire for the Lord! HALLELUJAH! Just have to praise Him for
Who He is and what He's done for me!!! Ugh I'm sure you guys understand haha.

Anyway, in seeking His will everyday and praying that that I remove myself from getting in His way with my wants and desires, I'm learning to be patient and wait on Him because His timing is better than ours. But I've also read that God is very slow with making us wait because it is during this time when we examine ourselves and find out what our true desires are.... which brings me to why I made this thread.

I did pray for her... Not saying she did, but that phone call was random even though it was Thanksgiving. Just yesterday, she calls me again. "I just need someone to talk to.." She's crying because her weight is down to 105 (unrelated but she has MS which is what I thought it could be) and everyone is telling her about herself and she's scared and she doesn't know what to do. I just reassured her that everything was going to be okay and that she didn't need to be scared because her family and myself are praying for her, so there's nothing to be afraid of. I sent her a text later just reminding her of her MS, and the importance of keeping up with exercise and the difficulties she may experience with weight gain and loss.

I wake up this morning and the verse of the day is 1 Peter 5:7 - "cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you..." I debated with myself and prayed this morning about whether to send that to her, and asked God for direction and what to do, cause like we all know, she's in this relationship and I'm not trying to put myself in a position where she thinks she has me in her palm, or that I'm chasing after her, or what the case may be, so I was kind of confused.

Surely enough she calls as I'm about to get out of the car for work, and we talk for like 30 minutes (I was late but I didn't care lol.) She's crying and this is where we kind of address what has happened between us. She said she wanted to call yesterday, but didn't because she shouldn't have and its made known that "we were supposed to work..", "you were supposed to be it..." those type things. We addressed that, moved to FaceTime and just talked for a bit.

So to whomever posted and said make my feelings known, I guess you could say that happened, but I honestly believed it went without saying. I didn't make any moves or anything out of character... WITH ALL THIS BEING SAID! I'm thinking about God and while our wisdom is made foolish in His eyes, I keep questioning whether this is in His will, and suggesting to myself that maybe He is preparing to bless me, or that He is answering my prayers, idk what the case may be, I'm still learning. But at the same time, I don't want to get ahead of myself and lose focus on God, so I keep trying to remain humble and remind myself that He is in control and to just give it all to Him and He'll work it all out.

While this post has seemingly kind of turned into a dating confessional lol I'm just seeking Godly advice because I'm still not so sure what to do or what's happening. She calls me AGAIN after work, and this time we address her current relationship, and this is where I also told her everything from my perspective (how I felt about her, my testimonial, and pretty much laid everything all out.) One of the things she said was that it was good that I picked up the phone because of how we abruptly stopped talking previously... With how much we went through and what we meant to each other, that sort of ending was just not to be accepted, which I seemingly agree with. But she has her closure and knows that she would be able to tell someone we were good, if they asked. Part of me knows that I can't speak to her while she's in a relationship cause it'll continue breaking my heart, and part of me doesn't want to stop being able to talk to her because of the absolute deep love I have for her. I still hold on to the belief that she is the one, regardless of what you guys might say, so it's a weird spot to be in lol. Someone also posted that she may be trying to keep me in the loop just in case things fall apart, which I am completely aware and mindful of haha.

Because of that, I am aware that I am not in control and that our God is, and that the only thing I can even do is pray. But I'm not sure what I'm praying for haha. And then I'm not even sure if this is God working anyway. So I'm convinced I just need to continue to wait and trust in Him.

My question is basically am I doing anything wrong? I'm not speaking to her in a way that's suggesting to her that I'm pursuing her, although I made my feelings known which went without saying because of our history, but I'm praying for guidance and for Him to speak to my heart and she ends up calling me or texting me, ans because of my newness in this walk, I'm still trying to discern His voice from thoughts I put in my own head. I'm having difficulties and not ashamed to make known whats happening with me and just seeking some Godly advice. What would you do?

 

[spunkycat08]

OP:

I would encourage her to take her troubles to God instead of to you.

 

[spunkycat08]

OP:

Why is she talking to you about her current relationship, and why are you not stopping her from doing this?

That is a red flag.

 

[NewWine]

I've been online for a LONG time, and I have seen relationship after relationship come and go. Couple has a fight, girl goes online looking for comfort (not necessarily another man) someone chats with her and she starts spilling her guts. Knowing she's upset, the guy or girl with whom she converses sees her pain, and wants to comfort her, so they tell her ANYTHING they can to make her feel better. She believes what he/she says, even though they were only trying to comfort her....if this was a girl telling her, this gives her the courage she needs to continue what she's doing....if this was a man, she will continue what she's doing with HIM. This continues, seemingly innocently, until....he says that one thing she's been longing to hear, "I will treat you better" So she leaves her current boyfriend for this new man.
A while goes by...maybe a few weeks or maybe a few months....and the girl starts to see: This new guy isn't really much different then her old boyfriend, so maybe she made a mistake and jumped too fast. So she seeks out the old boyfriend, and chats him up a while. Old boyfriend who was devastated, willingly chats with her and tells her he has missed her......Do you see yet how this see/saw goes yet?

A few problems I see here. First.....Not one of the three in this triangle is God. Second, because of the lack of God, both guys and the girl are being played by deception. The guys are being played by a deceptive girl who's playing one man off the other, being flattered and complimented by two guys she has absolutely no intention of marrying or even seeing in 6 more months (whether consciously or not). The girl is being played by evil letting her feel loved when it's only a dream feeling. No matter how this plays out....someone gets hurt. At least one someone will be hurt here. There is no way around it.

So this brings me to the characteristics of love as spoken in 1 Corinthians 13. Does ANY of this scenario bear ANY resemblance to this passage? If not then there is no way on EARTH she loves you and you love her.
Dude wake up and see this entire scenario for the deception it is!!

 

[workinprogress]

She is NOT available, leave her alone, do not call her... do not "pray" together... pursuing her is NOT a leap of faith, it is wrong and more like a leap of destruction.
And do you even want a women like that? What will stop her from doing the same with another guy when your in a relationship with her?