She's my mother

[tmulc5]

Thank you to all of you for your comments. It has been so helpful to come here and read them. Sirk your last comment really hit home. That is exactly what my family is doing. They do the 'required' holidays, pose for the pictures, post the 'family events' on facebook. But then they rush home until next time and when I have had these issues and spoken to them although they agree they say things like you just have to deal with it, it's who she is! But then when we are together I get these wide eyed looks or 'knowing, raised eyebrows when she does something! They know it's wrong but they won't do something about it. You would think they would love enough to want to help. So when I try to tell her why noone calls or hangs out with her she attacks me because no one will speak up. Someone helped me realize I am not responsible for her happiness. The Bible says honor your parents not be their best friend.

 

[Sirk]

I've been praying that God would reveal the truth about why I have spent much of my adult years with very low self esteem and even anger issues at different times. I believe that I have received revelation that explains a lot.

My mom had me almost 9 months to the day after she married my dad in 1971. I remembered something my mom said to me a long time ago and it was....."when I was pregnant with you I realized what a terrible mistake I made in marrying your dad."

She was raised in a very religious mennonite home and my dad was a Catholic. The day I was born my Grandpa and Grandma drove my mom the 50 miles to town while my grandpa made my dad finish feeding the cows. My grandparents very much disliked my dad. I believe that after I was born my mom went into a deep depression and didn't bond with me, and that is the core wound that I have limped through this life with. After my divorce from my ex wife and her subsequent manipulation of my mom to be her buddy, it tore off that scab and I nearly bled out. But by the grace of God I am still here and even though I may never get to repair the brokenness with my mom...I at least feel empowered in knowing why I have hurt like I have for so many years, and I can begin the process of healing and grieving for that little boy who looked so much like my 7 year old son. I feel terrible for that little boy (me) and his terrified mommy.

I can say that I see a security in my son that I never had... and for that I am SO grateful.

 

[Billyd]

I know that this may seem harsh because many of us experience the same problems, but God told us in the fifth commandment when he said "Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you." He didn't give us a way out, but He did give us a promise. It took me twenty years to realize that promise. I pray that God will give you the strength to realize the promise.

 

[Sirk]

I know that this may seem harsh because many of us experience the same problems, but God told us in the fifth commandment when he said "Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the Lord your God is giving you." He didn't give us a way out, but He did give us a promise. It took me twenty years to realize that promise. I pray that God will give you the strength to realize the promise.

If by honor you mean to have a jacked up co-dependant relationship.....I'll pass.

 

[J-Kay-2]

Thank you to all of you for your comments. It has been so helpful to come here and read them. Sirk your last comment really hit home. That is exactly what my family is doing. They do the 'required' holidays, pose for the pictures, post the 'family events' on facebook. But then they rush home until next time and when I have had these issues and spoken to them although they agree they say things like you just have to deal with it, it's who she is! But then when we are together I get these wide eyed looks or 'knowing, raised eyebrows when she does something! They know it's wrong but they won't do something about it. You would think they would love enough to want to help. So when I try to tell her why noone calls or hangs out with her she attacks me because no one will speak up. Someone helped me realize I am not responsible for her happiness. The Bible says honor your parents not be their best friend.

I know most of your advice has been from men, but if you don't mind, I
would like to share an experience with my mother from a woman as a daughter
and mother too.
I could relate as soon as I saw your first sentence. Without going into my
entire life history, I want to give some highlights. Some of the things I pull
out of other posters comments.

I did have a good relationship with my Mother because she was always
there for me. Again, there is a history there too, but I won't bore you.
I realized the reason I had good relationship was because she was very
manipulative and controlling. It was subtle and I did not see it. I really
did love my mom and thought I could never live without her. My husband
changed that fact immediately after our marriage.

I marry, had children. But I had one daughter before from brief marriage
as a teen, therefore my mother felt she was 'owner' of my daughter from
time she was in womb. I do appreciate my mother taking care of my baby
so I could finish my education.

Fast forward to my daughter at age 13. She liked to visit my mom and I
never thought about it. But my mom was really beginning to show a side
that was beginning to open my eyes. I since learned it was there my
daughter learned to drink beer and became an alcoholic later in life.
That is another story.

Someone said they had to undo what the 'RELIGIOUS' mother did
to them. May I say here, when a Mother is bringing up her child as
Gods Word says, it is for the child's sake. Oh, and of course we don't
want our name defamed in anyway. I made mistakes, but I did have
2 out of 3 who were Christian .... still are. But finding Christ for their
own life.

One day I was walking down the street with my mom and God spoke
to my spirit..... "You are embarrassed to be with your mother." What
an eye opener that was. I repented and asked God to help me accept
her as she was. I loved my mom, but not her ways.

I did go through so much later in life with her. She hurt me too, yet
she was always there for me if I had a need. I don't mean to paint
her as a nasty woman, but she did cause my husband to dislike her
even more because she believed a lie, and told a family member and
from that time on, he had total disrespect for her and dislike for
her. It only got worse.

My daughter, the one she controlled and acted like she owned... made
some bad choices, and it led to her demise. Will finish that part in a
minute.

My dad... My mother thought I should put him in a nursing home because
.... well she was just tired of him. I would not do that to him. I loved my
dad. It turned out he had amputation of leg and had to go to nursing home
and she had me sign him in. I can't even remember how many times she
pulled him in and out of nursing home and she was always having me sign
him in. I would get letters from dad begging me ....please get me out of
here. His mind was good. So sad... Finally one day God released me
by His Word and He showed me I was not responsible for my father and
I did not have to do these things she requested. When time came she
wanted him transferred again, I was free to tell her... No, I am not
going to do this anymore. Finally dad did die... that left her with no one
to control.

She began overdosing on her meds and had to finally signed herself
in nursing home. In meantime, my daughter had only found herself
sinking deeper into a pit where she needed to live a clean life. My
mother blamed me for my daughter living in poverty. I did not tell
my mother what all I did for my daughter to see she had things she
needed. That again, another story.

This all led to my mother being upset with me and I would leave her
room in the nursing home, in tears, due to the venom she could spit
out. She blamed me for my daughters lifestyle. She resented me
because she was in nursing home. ( I had a husband who refused to
let her live with us.) She blamed me when my daughter died an
early death, age 45, by hypothermia.

At the funeral home I thought my mom would want consoled. I mean
we both loved my daughter. My daughter did begin to see what I had
endured through my marriage regarding my mom. But, like me, she
still loved my mother.

I go to casket and stand with my mother, thinking she might grieve
with me as we gazed at my daughter lying there. Nope. My mom was
as stiff toward me as my daughters body was in death.

We go back to sit for the funeral, and I sat beside my mom, thinking
surely she will want me to console her... Heck I was the mother whose
daughter was lying in the casket.... I needed consoled. My mother would
not talk to me. I realized.... she doesn't want me... so I asked my brother
discreetly if he would change chairs with me, passing it off as she needed
a male beside her. I thought that was hurtful enough... NOT.
She had to go back to nursing home and we went on to the cemetery.

Okay, I just lost a child... never mind she was 45 yrs old. I gave birth
to her at age 17. We were bonded for all those years. She was a
beautiful girl and had such love for people. She tried so hard to quit
drinking, and was ready to start over with her life. But death won out.
This was my daughter..... when I went to the nursing home, I wanted
my mom to hold me.... I was grieving... we shared my daughter in life.
But, my mother never acknowledged the fact I was hurting, and I
thought she would need me to minister to her. She totally ignored me.
One more time I left in tears....

A couple of years go by. I am still visiting my Mom at nursing home.
We never discussed the way things were between us. She just let
it fester and some visits were okay and some were uncomfortable.
Her mind was great. Her body was deteriorating and I had to see
she was getting care she needed.

I tell you this to let you know, we as mothers are not perfect.
I had to go through life, especially at the end of it, with a husband
and mother not liking one another. I had to know my mother had
never forgiven me for the path my precious daughter took.

The Day of her Death the nursing home called and asked if I
planned to visit. I at this point had been hurt by her again and
was not. I asked, not really, but should I ? Yes they said, and
my husband and I went to be with her and that was 11:00 AM
and she was told by aides, that I was there and she shook her
head NO..... she didn't want me. I told the girls it was okay... I
would stay. She ignored me, and was in throes of death and I
was blessed by God to pray and talk to her .... read scripture and
her final end.... was God giving me the Words that would release
her and watch her cross over from death to life.

It was a beautiful transition..... The main thing, I saw a Mother
glow and pass over to the other side, knowing she was with Jesus.
I did not grieve for her, and still don't. That was 2009. I think
of her, and I dream of her.

I needed to share with you and let you know... You are not alone in
your feelings. Yet as a Mother... we do try to do our best . I pray
for healing for you and your mother. But don't feel guilty. God
will show you the way... God bless you and many prayers.

 

[LittleBit1987]

I don't know where to start but there is too much to type so I'll make it simple and likely elaborate later. I don't like my mother, who she is, her behavior, how she treats everyone...her family, friends, strangers, my children. She's not genuine, shes constantly putting on a show, for attention. We lived a long distance away for years and now just minutes away and since we geographically are closer, it's so much worse. I find it hard to feel love anymore. I feel obligation. I feel like a horrible person saying this. Despite talks and truths, there is no effort on her part to try and change. I do feel it's hopeless but still feel sometimes that I should try harder. I really don't like feeling this cold, uncaring turned off in my heart for her but do I just have to accept her behavior and grit my teeth through it?

I am currently in the same boat as you with my mother... only I am 26 and have no kids (yet) but my mom lives 2 hours away from me, and my dad lives about 30 mins away from me. My mom I'm starting to believe has borderline personalities. She can be sweet, and nice.. talkatiave one day. Then the next be threatening me with stuff, and blowing up my phone, and saying shes gonna have me thrown in jail for something. Later, my dad finally told me the reason behind her harsh words, and what she is really up too.

I have gone MONTHS without talking to her, period. I cant stand the woman even when shes NOT mad at me for some god awful reason, and always makes it look like SHE'S the victim in every and all situations. She is for sure a manipulator, and I refuse to let her get into my heart ever again. I love her to an extent, but as for right now, when I DO finally have kids, she wont ever be around them without me or my husband present.

I could also go on a long huge rant like what you did if i wanted too, but I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone... I feel your pain, every bit of it. and I tried to do the right thing by sending her flowers for "Mother's Day" only to have that backfire on me weeks later.

 

[Sirk]

I am currently in the same boat as you with my mother... only I am 26 and have no kids (yet) but my mom lives 2 hours away from me, and my dad lives about 30 mins away from me. My mom I'm starting to believe has borderline personalities. She can be sweet, and nice.. talkatiave one day. Then the next be threatening me with stuff, and blowing up my phone, and saying shes gonna have me thrown in jail for something. Later, my dad finally told me the reason behind her harsh words, and what she is really up too.

I have gone MONTHS without talking to her, period. I cant stand the woman even when shes NOT mad at me for some god awful reason, and always makes it look like SHE'S the victim in every and all situations. She is for sure a manipulator, and I refuse to let her get into my heart ever again. I love her to an extent, but as for right now, when I DO finally have kids, she wont ever be around them without me or my husband present.

I could also go on a long huge rant like what you did if i wanted too, but I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone... I feel your pain, every bit of it. and I tried to do the right thing by sending her flowers for "Mother's Day" only to have that backfire on me weeks later.

You seem angry. It's understandable but eventually you are gonna have to face that anger and the reasons for it that lie underneath the surface.

 

[LittleBit1987]

You seem angry. It's understandable but eventually you are gonna have to face that anger and the reasons for it that lie underneath the surface.

To be honest, It won't get better until things get resolved... I'm not sure how that will happen either.

 

[Sirk]

To be honest, It won't get better until things get resolved... I'm not sure how that will happen either.

Sometimes relationships don't get resolved in the way that you want them too.

 

[LittleBit1987]

I am being patient in letting God guide me through this, he told me to send my mom flowers for mother's day, whether she actually appreciated them...Idk. but now she acts like they mean nothing to her...

But Oh well, God will get me through this, I know.

 

[Sirk]

I am being patient in letting God guide me through this, he told me to send my mom flowers for mother's day, whether she actually appreciated them...Idk. but now she acts like they mean nothing to her...

But Oh well, God will get me through this, I know.

I understand the rejection and how much it hurts. I still go from acceptance to anger at times. There is something deep in your mom and you and your relationship that has caused the brokenness.

Your mom may never get that onion peeled all the way back to get to that level, but you must search for it and pray for God to reveal it to you so you can understand it.

Now that I know the root cause of my broken relationship with my mom I feel like I can finally move on with or without her.....and most importantly...forgive her.

 

[JesusLives]

Sirk, no worries about high jacking my post. Actually despite very different circumstances there us one thing in common. My husband and some family members have been constantly trying to 'help repair' my relationship with my mother. They have conversations with her then try to tell me about how it went, try to push us to spend time together like making plans then backing out leaving just the two of us. Again different but I do believe the feelings we are struggling with are extremely similar. I'm going to stick with what I told myself before I originally posted...that I would say exactly what I felt and not let shame or embarrassment keep me from biting my tongue on here. I believe it is healing to say things, in the right place or time so you can let them go.
I just want everyone to let me feel what I feel, respect how I feel even if my feelings aren't good ones. I have disliked my mom since I was a preteen. She acts like a child starved for attention then and now 30 years later still. She is inappropriate in her behavior with family and in public. She embarrasses herself and those with her but she doesn't see it, she says this is me and I'm proud of it but then she calls crying that she's so alone. Her sister and mother and son all live near us within 15 minutes and they too avoid much time with her for the same reasons. But she still doesn't get it. My husband says I should tell her, really? Should I tell her that since I was a child she has been an embarrassment? That now as an adult if I met her on the street I would not choose to be friends with her? I have wanted to talk to her but that is not possible because she can't have discussions. As soon as she hears anything she attacjs...screaming, cursing saying things to try and make the other person feel bad about themaelves. It's always about her, she won't ever take constructive criticism. My husband didn't believe me until he witnessed it once and he was appalled, didn't speak to her for months. But then he went right back to trying to 'fix things' I keep asking him to stop maybe that he should expend that energy fixing his estranged relationship with both his mother and father.
Maybe I do need to just tell her, maybe then she'she'll stop pushing. She's passive aggressive and goes on Facebook making comments about how busy I am because she hasn't heard from me. She says things to my children about how much it hurts her that I don't call her more. I have 3 boys and my husband works out of town part of each week so when one boy has a practice I ask if she wants to have the other 2 boys so she can spend time with them. So I get ask your mom why she only calls me for favors to watch you! I can easily and gladly spend some special time playing with my boys while their brother practices, I'm just trying to give her time with them which honestly the two older ones often don't want. I don't know, I hate conflict, my whole family always fights and talks about each other. Life is busy and I just want to live peacefully with my husband and boys. I know it's not right to be so introverted but what's the point of trying so hard to appease them just to have to deal with all the negativity and disappointment?

I am sure you do this already but pray for your mom. I have a cousin a lot like the part where the world revolves around her and it's all about me stuff at any rate we had some issues and it got to the place where I said to God as I was talking to Him - Lord I don't want to loose my Christianity over this situation and I give her to you. You know I have asked for her forgiveness and she is still holding a grudge because she won't speak to me so I just give her to you.

Three weeks after the prayer my cousin called me and things have been put on a path that I feel we will both be able to recover from but it was only after I gave her and this problem over to God I saw any change at all.

 

[JesusLives]

I am being patient in letting God guide me through this, he told me to send my mom flowers for mother's day, whether she actually appreciated them...Idk. but now she acts like they mean nothing to her...

But Oh well, God will get me through this, I know.

You did the right thing to send your mom flowers on Mothers day and if you felt led by God to do so it is not a bad thing to do. I have always told my daughter in situations with her absent Father to do the right thing no matter their reaction because at the end of the day we all answer to God and the other person will also have to answer and they will have a lot of explaining to do but if you do the right thing you will have no regrets. When her Father passed away in January of 2010 my daughter and I were both able to say we had no regrets.

 

[Sirk]

You did the right thing to send your mom flowers on Mothers day and if you felt led by God to do so it is not a bad thing to do. I have always told my daughter in situations with her absent Father to do the right thing no matter their reaction because at the end of the day we all answer to God and the other person will also have to answer and they will have a lot of explaining to do but if you do the right thing you will have no regrets. When her Father passed away in January of 2010 my daughter and I were both able to say we had no regrets.

I agree. You have to take the high road. Your mother may have defined you in a negative light in some way. I know that in my case, I tried desperately to convince her but I only did more harm to the relationship. Its really easy for a person to say...."do the right thing...take the high road" etc...but its difficult to do it when you have a broken heart and the other person actions continue to hurt you. The truth is..it is only when you learn to stand on the rock of Christ and look forward to YOUR life, dreams and aspirations that old wounds will heal themselves. Live your life and push through to where you wanna be and those other things will sort themselves out. Its a war that if you fight with fleshly weapons you will lose.

 

[Billyd]

If by honor you mean to have a jacked up co-dependant relationship.....I'll pass.

Shirk, please don't take my comment wrong. I know that it is difficult to honor a parent in this situation because the relationship in it is mild compared to mine with my father. I didn't honor him, I honesty couldn't stand to even talk to him. I would be depressed for hours after any conversation with him. I can tell you that I never found peace until I found the strength to put the relationship totally in the hands of God. I can say that the five years that he lived following our restoration were truly the best years of my life. His last words to me were "Son, I was the worst father a child could ever have. I'm sorry. I love you." One final comment, After I put the relationship in Gods hands, the fifth Commandment was everywhere. It took me two years to realize that God was aiming it directly at me. Yes, I pray that every realizes its promise.

 

[seekingg]

PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE UNLESS THEY ARE MADE TO CHANGE/

ALL YOU CAN DO IS STUDY YOU SELF TO SEE WHAT HAS RUBBED OF ON YOU BEFORE YOU GIVE IT YOU YOUR KIDS;;/

 

[Sirk]

PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE UNLESS THEY ARE MADE TO CHANGE/

ALL YOU CAN DO IS STUDY YOU SELF TO SEE WHAT HAS RUBBED OF ON YOU BEFORE YOU GIVE IT YOU YOUR KIDS;;/

I think this is true in some circumstances but more often than not a trauma happens in someones life and they either go to the right or the left. Introspection and self examination is the key to recovery from brokenness and some will never get very deep because they don't want too.....it hurts to much.

 

[LittleBit1987]

You did the right thing to send your mom flowers on Mothers day and if you felt led by God to do so it is not a bad thing to do. I have always told my daughter in situations with her absent Father to do the right thing no matter their reaction because at the end of the day we all answer to God and the other person will also have to answer and they will have a lot of explaining to do but if you do the right thing you will have no regrets. When her Father passed away in January of 2010 my daughter and I were both able to say we had no regrets.

If it wasn't for the fact that my mother is so two-faced, and has multiple personalities, and uses people like she does.. I'd say she has a chance to come back into my life and be my mom again. But she always thinks she's the victim in any and every situation. It makes me upset just thinking about all the harsh words she's said to me. The 4 bone-chilling voicemails she's left me. I honestly don't know how ANY parents can talk to their children like that. I mean seriously. My husband has already said my mother is NOT allowed to be in the same room with our "future" kids without one of us present. Ive been verbally abused by her it's not even funny, but I always forgive her.. Only to get brown down again. A part of me still loves her, I mean come on.. She's my mom, the woman who gave birth to me. But the way she talks when she's upset or mad... It's like she's a completely different person. And I have no idea who she is when she gets like that. I don't talk to her very often for this reason. You never know who exactly you are talking too. I would like to think my mom will "change" and be a godly woman like the ladies at church that I look up too, but she has to WANT to change for that to happen.. And I don't see that happening anytime soon.

 

[J-Kay-2]

If it wasn't for the fact that my mother is so two-faced, and has multiple personalities, and uses people like she does.. I'd say she has a chance to come back into my life and be my mom again. But she always thinks she's the victim in any and every situation. It makes me upset just thinking about all the harsh words she's said to me. The 4 bone-chilling voicemails she's left me. I honestly don't know how ANY parents can talk to their children like that. I mean seriously. My husband has already said my mother is NOT allowed to be in the same room with our "future" kids without one of us present. Ive been verbally abused by her it's not even funny, but I always forgive her.. Only to get brown down again. A part of me still loves her, I mean come on.. She's my mom, the woman who gave birth to me. But the way she talks when she's upset or mad... It's like she's a completely different person. And I have no idea who she is when she gets like that. I don't talk to her very often for this reason. You never know who exactly you are talking too. I would like to think my mom will "change" and be a godly woman like the ladies at church that I look up too, but she has to WANT to change for that to happen.. And I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Little Bit... I want to tell you what I had to do when my mom was
drinking heavily and she was impossible to talk to about it.

I got her photo down and laid hands on her and prayed for her.
When we pray for the person who is hurting us, the hurt in us begins
to subside. You will find God can work better .... and honey....you
really need to let her go. You are holding on to her and God can't
work when we grasp something in our fists tightly. You must
physically make two fists.... put your arms out in front of you....
turn your hands palms up, and release her to God verbally. Let go...
Let God. I know it is not easy.. But this woman has to be free
for God to work. You will be amazed eventually how it all turns
out.

There are some things you will have to carry quietly in your heart
and mind, that will never be spoken of to her. I know things my mom
did that hurt me.. was ... like in my case.. what good is it going to do
for me to go to an elderly woman and tell her she did this and that to
hurt me ? It wasn't going to do me any good because she would have
been hurt. I didn't want to hurt her. I know your mom is not elderly,
but you really must believe me, for your sake, let go of her verbally in
prayer and let God take care of it all.

You are special and this is eating you up... It is not worth it to rehash.
When you begin to recall every thing she did or said, you are only feeding
the spirit she sent with those words. Let's fight that spirit off..... it is
evil and you are its victim. Don't take it .... You make the choice to let
her words stick with you, or as I suggest.... let go and let God.

With love ~ ((HUGS)) God is on your side.

 

[LittleBit1987]

J~Kay~2

I will do this... only cause I trust you, and know what you say is right. And yes, I agree it is time to let her go and let God do his deed. It is easier said than done, and I know you all know this... but you have to think of it this way...

I love my mom, but I HATE what she has done to my childhood memories. I HATE the woman she has become now, and I HATE how she manipulates EVERYONE around her, and burned all her bridges with all her family... including myself.

Proverbs 3:5
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding"

This is the verse I say to myself all the time cause It's true in my walk with God.