Small groups/church

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tenderhearted

Guest
#1
#1
Hello,

Is anyone a part of a small group at their church? I have been a part of a small group for about 3 years now, but I'm starting to feel a bit discouraged. I am a very open person. I share my struggles and victories with our group. Small groups are a place where believers can encourage and pray for one another. However many people in my small group are very private. I have been praying for these individuals, but have not seen much change. It's hard to be vulnerable with people who don't share their lives. I am getting to the point where I am becoming a bit resentful about it. I want to be able to be there for people, but it's hard to do that when people don't share their lives. I feel like I want to shut down because they seem to be comfortable speaking into my life, but they are not willing to put themselves out there. There are only two people in my group that share their lives and it's been a blessing. I am feeling uncomfortable around the people who don't share. It's sad that one of the people who don't share is the facilitator of the small group. Today I actually sent an email out pouring my heart with the group. I feel like I said it in love. I am just not sure how they will take it. Has anyone ever experienced this before?
 
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Billybubba

Guest
#2
#2
Isn't it easy to feel let down when we don't see something in it for us? Not to sound cruel here! I do the very same thing.
I too do small groups and have desired to start small groups. Had interest in doing one on relationships this last Winter, got some verbal's from folks. Got all set up and ended up very much alone! At that point I had a choice, be hurt or move on. I got in my truck and went across the street and "just happened" to join in on a study at another church (a study that started that night) I did not quit my church!!!! Just got to visit some other brothers and sisters for a while on Sunday nights.
Seems like God does His best work in us when we are not looking!
How does that go? We live going forward and learn by looking back. Those folks just might be storing up all of the sharing and using it with the gifts that God gave them. Be encouraged!! God wastes nothing.
 
maxwel

maxwel

Senior Member
#3
Apr 18, 2013
9,367
2,444
113
#3
Well, if you sent an email sharing how you feel, then I guess you'll get some kind of answer soon enough.

If you never get an answer you're happy with, and don't feel like this small group is for you, you can always try joining another group.

You can encourage people to open up, but they're inevitably going to do whatever they want to do.
People can be "closed off" for a lot of different reasons.... some good and some bad.
And it is possible that some people have things in their past that they shouldn't be entirely open about.
When I deal with anyone that's been through sexual abuse, I encourage them to get certain types of counseling, but I NEVER recommend they just open up to everybody... as it often carries an unwanted stigma into their future.
 
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HMSROYALPRINCESS

Guest
#4
#4
I can only speak 4 myself, but I have the sneaky suspicion that there r others who can relate... I was n a small group, many of which were very open & shared a lot, often with visitors n attendance. I'm not a big talker (I'm more a writer), so I was 1 who didn't share very much. But unhappily there were gossips n the group, & what some of the more outspoken members shared did not stay within the group...people were very hurt & angry as a result. That culminated n the dissolution of the group. :(
 
santuzza

santuzza

Senior Member
#5
Feb 12, 2013
1,609
38
48
#5
It takes a while to grow intimacy in a group, but after 3 years, the intimacy should be there. I suggest you find another group. I've been in both types of groups (those that share, and those who don't). I prefer the more intimate groups, but you can't force intimacy. And if the facilitator of your group does not encourage intimacy, the group will more than likely never have the intimacy you desire and need. So please join another group (and don't give up!). Also, don't be resentful -- so many people have so much baggage that it's hard to share sometimes.
 
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hattiebod

Guest
#6
#6
Maybe ....just maybe...God has placed you in this group to give rather than recieve :) Groups are tricky and it takes real skill through the Holy Spirit to facilitate a group where everyone feels valued and included. Just because we want to lead a group does not mean we should! It is said we will all behave in a group, as we would behave in our families, that a group is a microcosm of our primary family group. When I first heard of this I observed myself within a group setting and compared the thoughts and feelings generated to my own experiences in my family. Wow, it was very interesting! Some people take a very long time indeed to 'open up' and as you say, it will probably never happen for some if members in the group feel unsafe. Another thing to ask ourselves is, what are we in the group for? Is is to study the Bible, with the focus on Gods word and it's application or is it a place to process one's own life's challenges through Scripture....there is a difference for some and so often we attend a group with different expectations. There is no reason why we cannot attend more than one group? Interesting post, thank you! <><
 
sandtigeress

sandtigeress

Senior Member
#7
Apr 29, 2013
526
16
18
#7
Some people are never really comftable to share all their inner thoughts (me included).
People are different.
You might have to additional start your own group in order to find people with the same level of
want for sharing their problems and thoughts if you realy need that.
 
Last edited:
yac11

yac11

Senior Member
#8
Mar 24, 2013
580
19
18
#8
tenderhearted said:
Hello,

Is anyone a part of a small group at their church? I have been a part of a small group for about 3 years now, but I'm starting to feel a bit discouraged. I am a very open person. I share my struggles and victories with our group. Small groups are a place where believers can encourage and pray for one another. However many people in my small group are very private. I have been praying for these individuals, but have not seen much change. It's hard to be vulnerable with people who don't share their lives. I am getting to the point where I am becoming a bit resentful about it. I want to be able to be there for people, but it's hard to do that when people don't share their lives. I feel like I want to shut down because they seem to be comfortable speaking into my life, but they are not willing to put themselves out there. There are only two people in my group that share their lives and it's been a blessing. I am feeling uncomfortable around the people who don't share. It's sad that one of the people who don't share is the facilitator of the small group. Today I actually sent an email out pouring my heart with the group. I feel like I said it in love. I am just not sure how they will take it. Has anyone ever experienced this before?
Click to expand...
I was told by a women at my last church in small group that, "you don't share" we all share etc. etc., "but you don't". I remember leaving and feeling so sad like I messed up or something. Truth is now it's been 4 years and ironically I am at another church and in another small group because I believe for some reason God put me there.

To answer as short as possible. Everyone, everyone is on a specific path with the Lord. Do not judge others for not opening up. It can be your willingness to be open that eventually frees the demons inside of them to talk. Honestly, I have had so much in my life that I have just opened up in the last 7 months. Sometimes I have opened up when it wasn't appropriate and I would go home and do a number on myself for vomiting out my troubles etc.

I have now come to the place where God has led me where I now know that I don't have to share everything in the small group. I share when God gives me the words to share my story when it will help others. Plus, I am better at writing than speaking. So please if God is telling you to go for it and it helps you to share then just keep sharing, cause you never know who your really helping to be healed. :)
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#9
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#9
Not everyone wants to share their private feelings. I think you should respect that and not be resentful. If you wish to share your feelings with the group, then great. But people are different and mutual respect in a small group setting is essential.
 
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tenderhearted

Guest
#10
#10
Thanks for all your comments. I forgot to mention that we are doing an intense healing study where in order to heal you have to share. I think some people did not know what they were signing up for. I do respect people's right to not want to share. Otherwise I wouldn't have stayed in this group for 3 years. I have just become uncomfortable with people who don't, share, but then want to tell me what to do. They come off as insensitive sometimes. It's hard to take someone's advice all the time when they never share anything about themselves. It's hard to build that trust with people when you're the only one sharing. I am talking about even sharing the basic stuff. I am not just talking about intimate things. They won't even share their everyday stuff. They speak about everything from a general point of view. I asked God what to do a year ago and I felt him tell me to stay in the group. I am just wondering if I should be revisiting this again. I truly feel that the body of Christ should be a safe place where you carry each other's burdens. If you can't reach out to the body of Christ than there is a problem.
 
RedTent

RedTent

Banned
#11
Oct 31, 2011
8,200
182
0
#11
I would like to take this thread to the next level. It really addresses sharing God in our everyday lives, and not in a general way. I think it isn't only that some are not sharing God in the group, but not thinking of God in their day to day living.

Lots of people know scripture, they know about giving their hearts to God, but don't know to start their morning with prayer.

God knew that was necessary when He trained the Hebrews in his ways. Even the food they ate was an expression of being clean in thought and spirit as they ate only animals who ate clean food. When Christ came, he explained it really wasn't the food they ate that was the important part. But I don't think that our way of not including God in everything we do is working for the best for us, either.

As you share, you are really saying that you are living your whole life for God. He is included in your problems. Some who are not sharing are saying they obey in a general way, but what does that have to do with everyday living. Not all, but some.
 
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dyingeveryday

Guest
#12
#12
Wow, it's like I wrote that. I can relate for sure. I'll put it my way. I am open and I confess my sins openly. I believe that's how it should be and we should hold each other accountable. For the purpose of lifting each other up and encouraging. However, when nobody else does this and nobody confesses anything but are very quick to point out your sins and ask you about them etc... But appear to have no sin of their own. It does get old. You start to feel like the only one living in a glass house. People may fool themselves and try to fool those around them but God see's all. So I found myself getting angry. And at the same time being angry with myself for being angry knowing full well that my anger was sin. I had to just let it go and continue to be myself. Let the people who judge do exactly that. The way you are is exactly how you should be in my opinion. We just can't fall into the trap of letting this bother us. It was a lesson I had to learn. I'm glad I did. 1st John 1: 8 and James 5: 16
 
D

dyingeveryday

Guest
#13
#13
Billybubba said:
Isn't it easy to feel let down when we don't see something in it for us? Not to sound cruel here! I do the very same thing.
I too do small groups and have desired to start small groups. Had interest in doing one on relationships this last Winter, got some verbal's from folks. Got all set up and ended up very much alone! At that point I had a choice, be hurt or move on. I got in my truck and went across the street and "just happened" to join in on a study at another church (a study that started that night) I did not quit my church!!!! Just got to visit some other brothers and sisters for a while on Sunday nights.
Seems like God does His best work in us when we are not looking!
How does that go? We live going forward and learn by looking back. Those folks just might be storing up all of the sharing and using it with the gifts that God gave them. Be encouraged!! God wastes nothing.
Click to expand...
That is good. This thread touched a nerve in me but you have some good advice here.
 
sandtigeress

sandtigeress

Senior Member
#14
Apr 29, 2013
526
16
18
#14
I'm one of the people, who do not like to share. Oh I can share, if there is a thema, or to say yes, I experiance somthing
similar. But to come and share fresh out of the box, that is not me. I have always been more of a listener than a talker :)

But when you feel uncomftable and it effects the way you relate. Then yes, ask god if that is still the right place for you to be. Thinks can change in a whole year.

tenderhearted said:
T I truly feel that the body of Christ should be a safe place where you carry each other's burdens. If you can't reach out to the body of Christ than there is a problem.
Click to expand...
True.

That is why you can reach out to us, f.ex.
 
L

Lucy68

Senior Member
#15
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#15
tenderhearted said:
Thanks for all your comments. I forgot to mention that we are doing an intense healing study where in order to heal you have to share. I think some people did not know what they were signing up for. I do respect people's right to not want to share. Otherwise I wouldn't have stayed in this group for 3 years. I have just become uncomfortable with people who don't, share, but then want to tell me what to do. They come off as insensitive sometimes. It's hard to take someone's advice all the time when they never share anything about themselves. It's hard to build that trust with people when you're the only one sharing. I am talking about even sharing the basic stuff. I am not just talking about intimate things. They won't even share their everyday stuff. They speak about everything from a general point of view. I asked God what to do a year ago and I felt him tell me to stay in the group. I am just wondering if I should be revisiting this again. I truly feel that the body of Christ should be a safe place where you carry each other's burdens. If you can't reach out to the body of Christ than there is a problem.
Click to expand...
How many in the group will share? Maybe you could meet with them at another time. It does sound frustrating to have people commenting on your life without sharing any of their own experiences. I think it's pretty rare to meet people who you connect with on a deep spiritual level ....but it is possible. The Holy Spirit will be our closest spiritual companion when we make that our main goal. Praying for you....may He lead you in this.
 
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