So confused and needing encouragement..

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Ashkuhn

Guest
#1
It is just so discouraging to love someone so much and have them act like they don't even like you. I have been with my husband for five years but only married about two and a half. We do alright when we are by ourselves most of the time, minus the big fights all relationships have sometimes. But when we get around friends or family, he treats me like I am stupid and like I can't do anything right. He talks down to me and treats me like a dog. People notice it and tell me I should do something about it, but I know what the Bible says about marriage and I ultimately want to obey the Lord. Plus, I love my husband. It is embarassing though. I don't feel like I really do anything to deserve it.. My heart is just aching because I try so hard to be a great wife and always do the right thing. I guess I just need some encouragement tonight.. :-(
 
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Skylyn

Guest
#2
Hang in there...because the Lord is on your side:) sometimes just spending time with the Lord early in the morning or having some quiet time with the Lord can really make a difference in how your day goes. I have been married for a while, and our marriage is far from perfect, but when I spend that quality time with the Lord, there seems to be alot more peace in my days.
Read Psalms 34..its always been one of my favorite scriptures. It just has so many jewels of widsom packed in the one chapter.............Blessings......Skylyn:eek:)
 
Apr 24, 2011
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#3
You need to speak to your husband about this... He's mistreating you, he's being cruel, and he might not even know how much it hurts you. You are equal in your relationship, he is required to treat you with respect and you deserve so much more than what you're getting. If it's too scary to do it alone, I'm sure one or two of your friends who have noticed and wants you to do something would LOVE to help you.

I guess try to keep in mind that you're better than what you're being treated like, and this is your husband's problem, not yours. I hope you can resolve this issue, because what he's doing to you isn't right.
 
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Ashkuhn

Guest
#4
I know it isn't right, but feel trapped on what I should do. I have talked to him many times about it but he doesn't act like he cares. He just gets mad and acts like just because I am "stupid" or "mess everything up" he is justified in the way he acts. I have tried everything. I even left and went home (my family lives in a different state) without getting a divorce for a couple months to see if that would make him understand (it only made it worse.) I know some quiet time with the Lord always helps me. It is the only thing that has gotten me this far. It scares the heck out of me to think about having kids with him (which we don't) with the way I suffer inside because of this because I know they will probably be treated the same, but I keep reminding myself to trust the Lord to work it all out. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I just don't understand how he can act like he likes everyone else but I am just a peice of dirt. I do not want my children to ever feel the way I feel all the time.

I know that reading my Bible and spending quality time with the Lord always helps.. Ultimately I know trusting in Him is the right thing to do.. I will read that scripture and appreciate the responses.

I guess I just keep going back and forth on what I should do. I don't know if it is God screaming out to me that I need to do something or if it's my earthly side in a battle with my holy spirit.. I wish there were just clear answers on this topic!
 
Jun 1, 2011
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#5
Hope this helps alittle -

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.(1 Peter 3:7)

Likewise, ye husbands - On the general duty of husbands.

Dwell with them - That is, "Let your manner of living with them be that which is immediately specified."

According to knowledge - In accordance with an intelligent view of the nature of the relation; or, as becomes those who have been instructed in the duties of this relation according to the gospel. The meaning evidently is, that they should seek to obtain just views of what Christianity enjoins in regard to this relation, and that they should allow those intelligent views to control them in all their contact with their wives.

Giving honor unto the wife - It was an important advance made in society when the Christian religion gave such a direction as this, for everywhere among the pagan, and under all false systems of religion, woman has been regarded as worthy of little honor or respect. She has been considered as a slave, or as a mere instrument to gratify the passions of man. It is one of the elementary doctrines of Christianity, however, that woman is to be treated with respect; and one of the first and most marked effects of religion on society is to elevate the wife to a condition in which she will be worthy of esteem. The particular reasons for the honor which husbands are directed to show to their wives, here specified, are two: she is to be treated with special kindness as being more feeble than man, and as having a claim therefore to delicate attention; and she is to be honored as the equal heir of the grace of life. Doddridge, Clarke, and some others, suppose that the word honor here refers to maintenance or support; and that the command is, that the husband is to provide for his wife so that she may not want. But it seems to me that the word is to be understood here in its more usual signification, and that it inculcates a higher duty than that of merely providing for the temporal needs of the wife, and strikes at a deeper evil than a mere neglect of meeting her temporal necessities. The reasons assigned for doing this seem to imply it.

Giving honor unto the wife - Using your superior strength and experience in her behalf, and thus honouring her by becoming her protector and support. But the word honor, signifies maintenance as well as respect; - maintain, provide for the wife.

As unto the weaker vessel - It is not uncommon in the Scriptures to compare the body to a vessel,(1 Thessalonians 4:4, and thence the comparison is extended to the whole person. This is done either because the body is frail and feeble, like an earthen vessel easily broken; or because it is that in which the soul is lodged; or because, in accordance with a frequent use of the word,the body is the instrument by which the soul accomplishes its purposes, or is the helper of the soul. Compare Acts 9:15; Romans 9:22-23; 2 Corinthians 4:7.

A not unfrequent sense of the word used here (σκεύος skeuos) in the Greek classics was that of an instrument; a helper; one who was employed by another to accomplish anything, or to aid him (Passow), and it seems probable that this was the reason why the term was given to the wife. Compare Genesis 2:18. The reason here assigned for the honor that was to be shown to the wife is, that she is "the weaker vessel." By this it is not necessarily meant that she is of feebler capacity, or inferior mental endowments, but that she is more tender and delicate; more subject to infirmities and weaknesses; less capable of enduring fatigue and toil; less adapted to the rough and stormy scenes of life. As such, she should be regarded and treated with special kindness and attention. This is a reason, the force of which all can see and appreciate. So we feel toward a sister; so we feel toward a beloved child, if he is of feeble frame and delicate constitution; and so every man should feel in relation to his wife. She may have mental endowments equal to his own; she may have moral qualities in every way superior to his; but the God of nature has made her with a more delicate frame, a more fragile structure, and with a body subject to many infirmities to which the more hardy frame of man is a stranger.

And as being heirs together of the grace of life - The grace that is connected with eternal life; that is, as fellow-Christians. They were equal heirs of the everlasting inheritance, called in the Scripture "life;" and the same "grace" connected with that inheritance had been conferred on both. This passage contains a very important truth in regard to the female sex. Under every other system of religion but the Christian system, woman has been regarded as in every way inferior to man. Christianity teaches that, in respect to her higher interests, the interests of religion, she is every way his equal. She is entitled to all the hopes and promises which religion imparts. She is redeemed as he is. She is addressed in the same language of tender invitation. She has the same privileges and comforts which religion imparts here, and she will be elevated to the same rank and privileges in heaven. This single truth would raise the female sex everywhere from degradation, and check at once half the social evils of the race. Make her the equal of man in the hope of heaven, and at once she rises to her appropriate place. Home is made what it should be, a place of intelligence and pure friendship; and a world of suffering and sadness smiles under the benefactions of Christian woman.


That your prayers be not hindered - It is fairly implied here: (1) that it was supposed there would be united or family prayer. The apostle is speaking of "dwelling with the wife," and of the right manner of treating her; and it is plainly supposed that united prayer would be one thing that would characterise their living together. He does not direct that there should be prayer. He seems to take it for granted that there would be; and it may be remarked, that where there is true religion in right exercise, there is prayer as a matter of course. The head of a family does not ask whether he must establish family worship; he does it as one of the spontaneous fruits of religion - as a thing concerning which no formal command is necessary. Prayer in the family, as everywhere else, is a privilege; and the true question to be asked on the subject is not whether a man must, but whether he may pray.

(2) it is implied that there might be such a way of living as effectually to hinder prayer; that is, to prevent its being offered aright, and to prevent any answer. This might occur in many ways. If the husband treated the wife unkindly; if he did not show her proper respect and affection; if there were bickerings, and jealousies, and contentions between them, there could be no hope that acceptable prayer would be offered. A spirit of strife; irritability and unevenness of temper; harsh looks and unkind words; a disposition easily to take offence, and an unwillingness to forgive, all these prevent a "return of prayers." Acceptable prayer never can be offered in the tempest of passion, and there can be no doubt that such prayer is often "hindered" by the inequalities of temper, and the bickerings and strifes that exist in families. Yet how desirable is it that husband and wife should so live together that their prayers may not be hindered! How desirable for their own peace and happiness in that relation; how desirable for the welfare of children! In view of the exposition in this verse we may remark:

(a) that Christianity has done much to elevate the female sex. It has taught that woman is an heir of the grace of life as well as man; that, while she is inferior in physical vigor, she is his equal in the most important respect; that she is a fellow-traveler with him to a higher world; and that in every way she is entitled to all the blessings which redemption confers, as much as he is. This single truth has done more than all other things combined to elevate the female sex, and is all that is needful to raise her from her degradation all over the world.

(b) They, therefore, who desire the elevation of the female sex, who see woman ignorant and degraded in the dark parts of the earth, should be the friends of all well-directed efforts to send the gospel to pagan lands. Every husband who has a pure and intelligent wife, and every father who has an accomplished daughter, and every brother who has a virtuous sister, should seek to spread the gospel abroad. To that gospel only he owes it that he has such a wife, daughter, sister; and that gospel, which has given to him such an intelligent female friend, would elevate woman everywhere to the same condition. The obligation which he owes to religion in this respect can be discharged in no better way than by aiding in diffusing that gospel which would make the wife, the daughter, the sister, everywhere what she is in his own dwelling.

(c) Especially is this the duty of the Christian female. She owes her elevation in society to Christianity, and what Christianity has made her, it would make the sunken and debased of her own sex all over the earth; and how can she better show her gratitude than by aiding in any and every way in making that same gospel known in the dark parts of the world?

(d) Christianity makes a happy home. Let the principles reign in any family which are here enjoined by the apostle, and that family will be one of intelligence, contentment, and peace. There is a simple and easy way of being happy in the family relation. It is to allow the spirit of Christ and his gospel to reign there. That done, though there be poverty, and disappointment, and sickness, and cares, and losses, yet there will be peace within, for there will be mutual love, and the cheerful hope of a brighter world. Where that is missing, no outward splendor, no costly furniture or viands, no gilded equipage, no long train of servants, no wine, or music, or dances, can secure happiness in a dwelling. With all these things there may be the most corroding passions; in the mansion where these things are, pale disease, disappointment, and death may come, and there shall be nothing to console and support.


  1. Honor her maritally. Take a wife honorably. Establish right priorities, and be a one woman man–absolutely faithful to your wife.

    [*]Honor her physically.
    Be strong for your wife, not against her. Be protective of her and present with her.

    [*]Honor her emotionally.
    Be emotionally present and intimate. Take her on dates.

    [*]Honor her verbally.
    Speak honorably to her. Speak honorably of her, when she is present and absent.

    [*]Honor her financially.
    Provide for the financial needs of your family, organize your budget, and be generous towards your wife.

    [*]Honor her practically.
    Consider her needs and how you can serve her.
and i dont know him or anything so -

Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? (2 Corinthians 6:14)

and read (Ephesians 5:25-33)
 
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dmdave17

Guest
#6
Dear Ashkuhn,

Your husband has no right, Scriptural or otherwise, to treat you the way he is. Almost every place in the Bible where wives' submission is mentioned also describes how a husband is to treat his wife. A few examples follow.

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." (Colossians 3:18)
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Ephesians 5:25), and
"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." (Ephesians 5:28)

There is nothing there that says a wife should submit to her husband "just because".

While I do not normally advocate conflict, I believe that you should do whatever you need to do to get your husband's attention, and get him to discuss your situation. You could try starting with the above verses. Of course, you need to pray about the situation, and for your husband, and listen for God's answer. But you should not have to endure the sorrow and humiliation you are experiencing for any biblical reason. I don't believe that God's will for anybody is to be unhappy in marriage.

God be with you in your quest for a better life.
 
Jun 1, 2011
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#7
a prayer for you -

Lord,I pray for open physical affection between my husband and me.Enable each of us to lay aside self consciousness or apathy and be effusive in our display of love.help us to demonstrate how much we care for and value each other.
Help us to not be cold,undemonstrative,uninterested ,or remote.Enable us to be warm,tender,compassionate,loving, and adoring .break through any hardheadedness on our part that refuses to change and grow.if one of us is less affectionate to the others detriment ,bring us into balance.
change our habits of indifference so that we can become the husband and wife you called us to be.
 
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Ashkuhn

Guest
#8
Thank you for the prayer and advice. It means a lot.
 
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beckyz

Guest
#9
I don't recall anywhere in the Bible where it says that wives have to put up with abuse. I would refuse to go out in public with him until he changes his ways. You're not a doormat or a dog, you are a human and an equal. God is not a god that makes us helpless and wants us to be in positions of abuse. God loves and treasures you, your husband needs to do the same.
 
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teddie707

Guest
#11
Hi,
I left my husband of three and a half years about ten months ago due to mental, verbal and emotional abuse. My husband refused to go to Christian counseling because there was no "problem" with the way he was treating me or making me feel. The nervous breakdown I almost had was of no consequence to him although it was the reason I was able to leave him. I asked the Lord to be my guide and show me what to do and He did. Instead of ending up in a hospital due to stress and depression I moved in with family until I could get back on my feet. One thing that helped me immensely was that I connected with Alternatives for Battered Women and got one on one counseling with someone who was experienced with these types of issues. It's actually quite a common issue and many man do this to their wives. They feel that once you have married him then you will stick with him no matter how he treats you or how it effects you because you are a Christian, after all. I suggest that you try this kind of counseling. It's free if you can't afford to pay for it and they will help you through whatever decisions you may need to make. I still struggle with loneliness and the whole being a divorced Christian woman but the pain and heartache of being with an abuser are gone and God is always there for us and He understands our struggle.
 
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Imm

Guest
#12
2 Samuel 22:31, "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him"

Psalm 7:1, "O LORD my God, in thee do I put my trust: save me from all them that persecute me, and deliver me:"

Psalm 18:2, "The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower."

Psalm 37:5, "Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."
 
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guess01325

Guest
#13
it's true it does say that women should not put of with abuse and i agree, but do you divorce them or just separate from them, im jus asking because that is a hard situation when you don't wanna break a convenant in less they are unfaithful of course, for example they will realize your not playing around and god might put a work in them to change.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
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#14
Hi,
I left my husband of three and a half years about ten months ago due to mental, verbal and emotional abuse. My husband refused to go to Christian counseling because there was no "problem" with the way he was treating me or making me feel. The nervous breakdown I almost had was of no consequence to him although it was the reason I was able to leave him. I asked the Lord to be my guide and show me what to do and He did. Instead of ending up in a hospital due to stress and depression I moved in with family until I could get back on my feet. One thing that helped me immensely was that I connected with Alternatives for Battered Women and got one on one counseling with someone who was experienced with these types of issues. It's actually quite a common issue and many man do this to their wives. They feel that once you have married him then you will stick with him no matter how he treats you or how it effects you because you are a Christian, after all. I suggest that you try this kind of counseling. It's free if you can't afford to pay for it and they will help you through whatever decisions you may need to make. I still struggle with loneliness and the whole being a divorced Christian woman but the pain and heartache of being with an abuser are gone and God is always there for us and He understands our struggle.

Sorry to hear about your situation, teddie. That is good advice you gave. My husband of 25 years is usually a very considerate man but when he's stressed out at work, he treats me as a doormat. I agree with Teddie about counseling. Of course convincing your husband to go to counseling can be tricky.

I would try first talking to him in a non-accusing tone....like "honey, I feel like our relationship is deteriorating and I'd like to find out what's causing it-would you go to counseling with me?" Give him some time to think about it and don't get upset if at first he blows up. Be calm and rational yourself even when he isn't. When I take this approach with my husband, he soon sees he's acting in a hysterical fashion instead of considering seriously what I'm saying. Then he calms down and begins to think rationally.

If time passes and you know he's just ignoring the problems and thinking they're going to go away on their own, ramp up the conversation..."dear, I feel like our relationship is deteriorating and I'd really like to try to fix it. Do you want to fix it?" If he still says there's nothing wrong, I would give him a choice...either go to counseling with you or you will live somewhere else for awhile in order to think things over.

If he just gets madder and madder, then it's a real problem. He would need counseling for his anger and failure to deal with real problems. If you ever feel like he would harm you, please get some help for yourself.

When my husband treats me like this I have two reactions. Part of me gets really mad and dishes it back out at him...the other part feels like a crushed person who deserves to be treated like this. All in all it makes for a ton of misery. I don't think anyone has to live like this...even Christians. Yes, we should do what we can to save our marriages but we don't have to be victims of abuse either.

Hang in there sister as long as you can and seek help for your husband. I'll be praying for you both :)
 
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Ashkuhn

Guest
#15
Thank you all for your advice.

Things are only getting worse so far.. He keeps getting mad at me because I won't go to bed with him at like 8:30 pm. I stay up until 9:30 or 10 and it infuriates him. He told me to leave last night. I told him alright. I said I needed some time to think things out anyway because I didn't feel like things were going right. I have kept trying to tell him how I feel but he won't acknowledge that he is wrong- I don't think he believes he is wrong.

So then he said he wanted a divorce and asked me what I wanted when we go to get it done. I just said what I already had and about 1/10th of what we have in savings. He freaked out and grabbed a gun and told me he was going to blow my brains out.. Then he realized what he was doing and apologized and begged me to stay.

Then- He opened up to me and told me about how empty he is inside and how he doesn't know how to change but I am the only thing he has and he needs me to get better..

So I am stuck at a crossroads. Because- what if he gets mad again and the black out lasts longer? Or what if he is being honest.. What if God wants me to help him out of this hole he is so deep down inside. I feel compassion for him and love him. But I am so tired of feeling hurt. I am so scared to have children with him..

Thanks to every who is repsonding to this. The advice is so helpful to me and I love you all and appreciate you being here.
 

Lucy68

Senior Member
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
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#16
Thank you all for your advice.

Things are only getting worse so far.. He keeps getting mad at me because I won't go to bed with him at like 8:30 pm. I stay up until 9:30 or 10 and it infuriates him. He told me to leave last night. I told him alright. I said I needed some time to think things out anyway because I didn't feel like things were going right. I have kept trying to tell him how I feel but he won't acknowledge that he is wrong- I don't think he believes he is wrong.

So then he said he wanted a divorce and asked me what I wanted when we go to get it done. I just said what I already had and about 1/10th of what we have in savings. He freaked out and grabbed a gun and told me he was going to blow my brains out.. Then he realized what he was doing and apologized and begged me to stay.

Then- He opened up to me and told me about how empty he is inside and how he doesn't know how to change but I am the only thing he has and he needs me to get better..

So I am stuck at a crossroads. Because- what if he gets mad again and the black out lasts longer? Or what if he is being honest.. What if God wants me to help him out of this hole he is so deep down inside. I feel compassion for him and love him. But I am so tired of feeling hurt. I am so scared to have children with him..

Thanks to every who is repsonding to this. The advice is so helpful to me and I love you all and appreciate you being here.

Honey, your husband has a major problem. This is VERY unreasonable and potentially dangerous behavior! Hide the gun right away! What does he mean he 'wants you to get better'?

He is manipulating you emotionally through fear and anger. A loving spouse does not do this. And he's getting mad over little things like when YOU should go to bed. I highly recommend going to a pastor or counselor yourself first to get some support and advice on how to deal with your husband.


You seem to be afraid of him which says a lot. I understand you feel sorry for him but you have to protect yourself at the same time. I really think you need outside help. I don't think it's a good idea to talk about divorce right now -that seems to really scare him (even if he brings it up).
 
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Ashkuhn

Guest
#17
He means he needs me to help him get better, I guess.. This has been going on for a long time. Pretty much ever since we have gotten married. I have been pushed, cussed at, things have been broken, talked down to, spit on even.. And now this. I am not perfect in this.. I go back off on him sometimes when I feel in a corner. I have sought out help so many times. I think I have tried everything.. This is just crazier than anything else.
 
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spirit

Guest
#18
Re: So confud believesed and needing encouragement..

I have a feeling this is passive aggressive behaviour as my husbands younger brother has this type of behaviour according to my sister in law and my husband was like that 10 years ago but with God and church he got better with his coping skills. Bascially your husband does not know how to cope with anger. It is passive behaviour through you. Even though I don't know you, I can tell you have lost all self confidence in yourself, and it happens beacuse you are good target. Firstly he sees you confused which means you don't even know if your feelings are right in yourself. 2nd he knows you are meek so he will bully you further to make himself feel better. Perhaps he had an ignorant Dad whom he did not know how to cope within the family problems so therefore he has not been taught. Look into Google and research under "Passive Aggressive Personality" and see if he has those characteristics behaviour. With therapy and counselling there is hope that he will change. Unfortuntaly with my sister in law , her husband thinks he is right so one day when she is strong enough she may have to leave him especially when they think they are right. In the meantime , talk to someone yourself as you can't please anyone him or anyone else if you are not ok. God Bless!
 
Oct 31, 2011
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#19
Your problem is so MUCH more serious than mine was, but here is what I did to solve mine. My husband’s temper tantrums were so bad that I felt I had to leave him so I went to a psychiatrist. We were SO broke, so I told the psychiatrist I wanted one time with him, wanted to tell him my problem and see if he could come up with a way I could handle it. I gave both of our backgrounds as concisely as I could, gave him the problem in as few words as I could. I think I was successful in giving a clear picture of both of both me and my husband.

The psychiatrist spotted the problem my husband was having, he told me how to handle it. I followed his instructions and we had a wonderful marriage after that. All I had to do was to convince him that my education that was superior to his did not equal intelligence and pointed out why his life proved he had plenty, and then to never, ever give my views when we had a disagreement until he knew I understood his side. Then I could give mine.

The answer to your problem is probably different than mine was, but just wanted you to know there often is an answer with understanding. Our problem was solved when I took these simple steps and it was a doctor of psychiatry who knew the right steps. Some psychiatrist are better than others, but for me it worked.

The Lord bless you and keep you.
 
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Blooming_Violet

Guest
#20
Thank you all for your advice.

Things are only getting worse so far.. He keeps getting mad at me because I won't go to bed with him at like 8:30 pm. I stay up until 9:30 or 10 and it infuriates him. He told me to leave last night. I told him alright. I said I needed some time to think things out anyway because I didn't feel like things were going right. I have kept trying to tell him how I feel but he won't acknowledge that he is wrong- I don't think he believes he is wrong.

So then he said he wanted a divorce and asked me what I wanted when we go to get it done. I just said what I already had and about 1/10th of what we have in savings. He freaked out and grabbed a gun and told me he was going to blow my brains out.. Then he realized what he was doing and apologized and begged me to stay.

Then- He opened up to me and told me about how empty he is inside and how he doesn't know how to change but I am the only thing he has and he needs me to get better..

So I am stuck at a crossroads. Because- what if he gets mad again and the black out lasts longer? Or what if he is being honest.. What if God wants me to help him out of this hole he is so deep down inside. I feel compassion for him and love him. But I am so tired of feeling hurt. I am so scared to have children with him..

Thanks to every who is repsonding to this. The advice is so helpful to me and I love you all and appreciate you being here.
Ash,

I am begging you. Secretly go to your nearest domestic violence service. They can help you make a smart safe plan. It will take time, but you are young. I know you love him because no one actively chooses this type of spouse. This behavior is not healthy. Do not wait until it is too late. You are on here for a reason. No one on this site will encourage you to divorce, but the bible does say if an unbelieving spouse leaves then let him go. Clearly his actions do not identify with the fruit of the spirit. Please get advice safely now and have a plan.

Blooming_Violet