Toxic Family

snowhite · May 7, 2014

I can't go due to finances, if I had known earlier I may have been able to get a cheap flight. I live in a beautiful place here on the Sunshine Coast. I grew up in New Zealand which is an amazing country, I miss it terribly but Australia is a fun place with a great lifestyle. We live 15 mins from the beach and 15 mins to the hinterland ranges that runs down the coast. Beautiful!! We lived in China for 2 years from 2010 and that was amazing and it made us real use how extremely lucky we are to live in Australia. Very blessed in that respect. xx

jogoldie · May 7, 2014

It means everything to me to help young women.......I lived through sooo much...and if I had someone to tell me back then
It probably would have saved me so from making the same mistakes.....makes it all mean something....your husband sounds like
A good man......I never experianced that.....but i love being a mom and a grandmom......those little people love me
for me and my imperfect self......we go on adventures everytime im not working.....we live in florida 5miles from the beach....
Oh yeah living the life....lol....when you stay busy you dont focus on the other family who gives you grief.....and stay away
from the computer so they cant find you...lol. sorry thats mean....but its what I do....

jogoldie · May 7, 2014

snowhite said:

I can't go due to finances, if I had known earlier I may have been able to get a cheap flight. I live in a beautiful place here on the Sunshine Coast. I grew up in New Zealand which is an amazing country, I miss it terribly but Australia is a fun place with a great lifestyle. We live 15 mins from the beach and 15 mins to the hinterland ranges that runs down the coast. Beautiful!! We lived in China for 2 years from 2010 and that was amazing and it made us real use how extremely lucky we are to live in Australia. Very blessed in that respect. xx

Sounds liks a piece of heaven......you are blessed ....I love to travel.....

snowhite · May 7, 2014

biscuit said:

jogoldie said:

Childrens love is very healing. I don't know what I would do without my husband he has been my rock. You're right I need to busy myself, we have only been on the coast since December after living in the Australian outback. I have a great church and our kids to an amazing Christian College, I will get involved with them and be too busy for the trouble makers. We have moved 6 times in the last 5 years and now we want to stay put and make our home here so the kids can go through High School without moving. I have closed my Facebook account haha...

secularhermit · May 7, 2014

snowhite said:

Here we have a saying: "El que quiere besar busca la boca". It means you don´t need a red carpet set on the floor, just for you to walk but, to spare you some money or time (both) Why don´t you try to invite yourself? TELL THEM YOU WANT TO GO. If they like wine, a thing or any fruit you can use as an excuse, take it with you, but let them know you would like to be there, to SHARE.

Don´t be upset! If they say "no" you knew it, but yoare giving them a chance... I wish you knew my mom: This new year, I was surprised she touched my back, as a hug (and it´s me who is the Grinch on the things they like, but I have my limits and limitations).

Just find out where are yours, sister!

jogoldie · May 7, 2014

snowhite said:

Oh you got this girl .....you win.....thats the perfect attitude....my youngest goes to prom friday......shes so beautiful...
The grands and I are on that beach for 8 hours twice a week....its the best...I sit under the umbrella and read scripture
Ride the waves....we even do trash adventures....ever so green are we.....its renewing from life....I keep negative people
at a safe distance.....we are living the blessed life......

santuzza · May 7, 2014

Snowhite -- You're 40 years old, right?! Time to move on and don't let your family run or ruin your life. You're an adult with your own household.

Christ comes first and foremost. Family comes second -- and if they can't be respectful and they bring you down and disrupt your walk with Christ, you need to keep your distance.

snowhite · May 8, 2014

santuzza said:

Santuzza that's very abrupt and quite callus really. Yes I am 40 years old and have my own family, I don't even live in the same country as my family. Even though they cause me grief I love them. It's hard to ignore them.
I may not have been abused physically but emotional abuse is just as bad. It can bring back down to being a child over and over again. I have struggled for years to accept God into my life, I refused to fear him because I related that to the fear I have of my father. It's not healthy and affects you psychologically.
You may want to watch how you word things and show a bit more compassion.

snowhite · May 8, 2014

jogoldie said:

Thank you for all your kind words, it's so nice to have some sound caring advice. Enjoy those grandkids of yours and I hope your daughter has a wonderful prom. It's starting to get cold here now it's Autumn so we won't be going to beach as much.

Jda016 · May 8, 2014

My mother suffered deep emotional abuse from both her parents. Miraculously she has been able to love me unconditionally and she is the most Godly person I know.

As I have walked with her over the years I have helped support her emotionally as she came to realize just how bad her childhood really was. Even though her parents have passed on, she still suffers from the wounds, because they are inside of her. She had to realize that no matter how far away she got, the pain was still always kept in her heart. There were many times when the pain, rejection, abuse, and abandonment was so strong that it just brought her to tears. I would take her hands, tell her how much I love her, and then I would pray that God would heal her heart and take away the wounds of rejection and abandonment that she suffered. I have done this many times with her, but each time she is more and more healed and restored.

God is faithful and I would encourage you, if you can bear it, to really ask God to show you the hidden places of hurt in your heart so that you may grieve them, weep over them, and lay them at the cross so that your heart might be fully healed. Ask your husband to pray with you and remember that it is ok to feel these feelings. In fact you need to feel them in order to be free of them. It truly is like a grieving process, when you see just how much emotional abuse you suffered, but once you pass through, God takes it away so that it can never surface in your life or the life of your immediate family ever again.

secularhermit · May 8, 2014

Wow!

I have read some words here that I was reminded about my mom... One thing I know. When my grandmother was about to die, she was expecting my mother to come to visit her, at the hospital she was. I asked my mother to visit, I knew my grandmother wnated to say anything like "I´m sorry" or "forgive me"... My mother never went. She never heard those words my grandmother could have said to apologize or wave her last goodbye...

I don´t know how this spiritual things are viewed in heavens. I know my grandmother and I know my mom, also. The bitterness my mother has is a stumbling block in her life, also her fears of dying, any day... What a diference if she had gone to visit my grandmother in her last goodbye.

jogoldie · May 8, 2014

Rejection and cruelity has no age limit.....when we are hurt by someone who is suppose to care for us its consuming....
It affects us in ways we can never explain.....to talk of it and face it is healthy....and most of us dont realize its affect
until we are parents outselves ....

snowhite · May 8, 2014

Jda016 said:

Wow, what a lovely post. My kids are 10 and 11 yrs old and they are so great when they have seen me crying. They say they are so sorry for me and just hold me and say they love me. It's a horrible but amazing healing experience for me. I think my kids need to see it because my mother hid it from me and closed herself off emotionally. I love what you said about asking God to show the hidden places and to lay them at the cross. I am a very visual person so I think this may work well as a way to release all the hurt and leave it there, not keep reliving it over and over again. Thank you again for sharing, it is nice to hear from your perspective as I always worry about my kids seeing me so distraught.

secularhermit · May 8, 2014

Just look a Snow White, the movie (The huntsman obeyed and took Snow-White into the woods. He took out his hunting knife and was about to stab it into her innocent heart when she began to cry, saying, "Oh, dear huntsman, let me live. I will run into the wild woods and never come back.") and see how those things changed.

jogoldie · May 8, 2014

snowhite said:

Over the years ....i realized how giving my children the role as comforter makes them feel good about themselves.....
Our children are not ours.... they are a gift entrusted in us to give a loving and Godly start.....it makes them feel needed and
Understand we all have hurt...no one is immune....I did this with my girls from birth ...I allowed myself to let them see me
need them...thats how the bond should be made .....give and take...our children learn strength that they posess....
Mine are now grown and have turned into ..Godly loving,caring,individuals....they have no self esteem issuses...
Not perfect but who wants that...to much pressure for me to be ....lol
The best part ive seen in my lifetime the cycle has been broken.........all thanks be to God.....

santuzza · May 8, 2014

Snowhite -- I'm sorry you were so offended by my words. I call them as I see them and I don't sugar-coat things.

From your reaction, my advice would be to grow up. But I have a feeling that you're not truly looking for advice. You're looking for people to give you a cyber-hug and say, "There, there, it will be all right..."

Sorry if that seems cruel or uncompassionate. But if you're REALLY looking for advice, the best thing to do is get on with your life (and your relationship with Christ) and keep your distance from your family.

Sirk · May 8, 2014

Hey snow. My family stuff blew up in my face today. I feel your pain. I felt weak and hopeless today. My pastor says he can help me get over my co dependent tendencies but it will take some work. The problem with us co dependent types is that we give our victimizers all the power.

Billyd · May 9, 2014

I don't pretend to understand your situation, but I'll share my father's and my story. Maybe it will help. I left a very abusive family life at seventeen. I paid them an obligatory visit every year or two. I finally got over my anger with my father after almost twenty years, and we began to communicate on a regular basis. He passed away at 58. The first time that I ever heard, "I'm sorry", and "I love you son" was from him was hours before he passed away. It's also the first time that he had heard the same thing to him. Please keep the doors open. God gave us the commandment "honor thy father and mother" with a promise. He had a reason. Also, tell all of your children that you love them every chance that you get.

RedTent · May 10, 2014

When we grow up in toxic families, it can be an opportunity to grow in the Lord.When we don’t have the loving support of our families, we can learn better to depend on the loving support of our God.

We have to remember that God uses our parents to give us life, and we are to respect that, even if the parent has deep problems.

It takes a very spiritually mature person to simply give love when toxic people play out their dramas, letting God take care of what you can’t control.

We are not to put on what is of our family, but to put on what is of Christ.

The problem is how to be there in the storm of their lives without being part of the storm.We need to see where we can help and when we need to simply stand back and watch, only be there.

Atwood · May 10, 2014

snowhite said:

The choices are not all or nothing. Think about it on a scale of 0-10. If you go insane with constant drama, would you maintain sanity with 2 dramas a year?

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