Trying to work THRU disagreements in marriage

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C

Camelot

Member
#21
Jun 15, 2016
71
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#21
notuptome said:
Gods order is for us to separate from our parents and cleave to one another. This is just like the Christian separating from the world and cleaving to Christ.

Mt 19:5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
Mr 10:7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;


For the cause of Christ
Roger
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Agreed thank you.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#22
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#22
kaylagrl said:
I don't know if you are still around Camelot. You need to be very clear with your wife about your expectations. My husband and I live in the same town as my parents,we only live a few miles apart. My father has a very strong personality and is used to having control and being obeyed. But when I married I let them both know that they were not to interfere in anyway or give advice unless they were asked. My father and I have clashed but its my job to protect my husband from my family intruding and the same with him and his family.

My mother and I are very close and she's very easy to talk to. But one day she was with us and my husband and I were having a disagreement. My mother told my husband off and as upset as I was with him in the moment I turned to my mother and said "that is not acceptable,you do not speak to my husband that way". I think I shocked them both. My issues in my marriage are our business,not family,not friends. We are very careful to keep our business and what we do in our marriage completely private. My sister lives on the same property as her in-laws and her father-in-law has come onto her property and told her husband to "get her woman in line". It would never happen if it were me,my BIL married the right sister. He's not man enough to stand up and defend his own wife. No,parents are to stay completely out of the marriage,thats Biblical. She leaves her parents and you and she become one. Your wife needs to put mommy on the outside of the marriage and she is to stay there. I would not move.Your wife needs to make a choice,you or mom. The only three in the marriage is you,she and God.
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Wow. You are truly an awesome person. I wishhhhhhhh my marriage was that way. It's been rough because not to sound pitiful but I feel so double teamed all the time and am the only one considered to be a believer so whatever it means to put on a "christian role" I'm expected to be that way, and wife just instigated this issue. I honestly just feel she doesn't love me and trying to remain committed is so difficult and easy at the same time lol
 
C

Camelot

Member
#23
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#23
Messy said:
Why does she want to go to her mother? To get help with the kids? Why does she side with her kid against you? Are you too strict? Do you spend enough time with the kids or is she always alone with them and you work a lot?
The mother and she are absolutely wrong, but maybe you do something wrong too, I dunno.
I sided against my ex with my kids because all he could do was bark and he never spent time with them. He only wanted to spend time with me, not them. If my mother came over to help me clean he just sent her away.
My parents weren't so happy with my first ex either. He never helped in the household, let me do everything alone with the kids. I had to break ties with them because they were controlling he said. Well they were just the only people who helped me and later, after the divorce, he admitted they were right.
This could be a completely different situation though. I have no idea.
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Honestly great questions.
I actually took her out to her family because we had been looking to move out that way and since my wife doesn't work we felt it would be a good time to do so. I think she doesn't appreciate male authority so her mother being around instead of myself helps her idk honestly. But she has sided with them since day 1, with my step. I am strict. I am pretty strict. But I am also even more loving, compassionate, and tolerant reason being I want the absolute best for them. My wife knows this. Honestly my wife yells and disciplines them way more often than I so I don't think that's the issue honestly. But idk anymore.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#24
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#24
Angela53510 said:
I think your wife needs to learn to leave her mother and father. Not a good idea to rent from in-laws if you don't get along with them. Plus giving up your job? Your wife needs to worry about her relationship with you and her marriage. A man needs to have a good job, and support his family. So a definite no to quitting your job, without getting another one, especially in this down turned economy.

Definitely time for some pastoral counseling. You really never talk about your relationship with God, nor your wife's relationship with God. That has to be #1, even before the marriage. But a better marriage will come out of both of you working on your relationships with God.
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You said so much....Thank You a million times.
 
C

Camelot

Member
#25
Jun 15, 2016
71
10
8
#25
Camelot said:
Wow. You are truly an awesome person. I wishhhhhhhh my marriage was that way. It's been rough because not to sound pitiful but I feel so double teamed all the time and am the only one considered to be a believer so whatever it means to put on a "christian role" I'm expected to be that way, and wife just instigated this issue. I honestly just feel she doesn't love me and trying to remain committed is so difficult and easy at the same time lol
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I said that wrong
"We are both" believers in Christ, I being a probably a little stronger helped bring my wife in and get closer to Christ.
I hope I'm not being confusing.
 
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Messy

Banned
#26
May 26, 2016
545
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#26
Camelot said:
Honestly great questions.
I actually took her out to her family because we had been looking to move out that way and since my wife doesn't work we felt it would be a good time to do so. I think she doesn't appreciate male authority so her mother being around instead of myself helps her idk honestly. But she has sided with them since day 1, with my step. I am strict. I am pretty strict. But I am also even more loving, compassionate, and tolerant reason being I want the absolute best for them. My wife knows this. Honestly my wife yells and disciplines them way more often than I so I don't think that's the issue honestly. But idk anymore.
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I'd ask her.

My wife lets her kid run the house. How do I change that?Many men who don’t consider the dynamic of the household before they marry the single mom they love find themselves faced with this question. The dynamic exists because the woman you love has let it evolve into what it is. The kids do what they know she will allow them to do. The household dynamic will only change with her approval and willingness to change it. A new Stepdad is not in a great position in this situation. If you try to force the kids to change their behavior they will resist or decide you are the enemy. Mom has to play the bad guy here and you have to play a supporting role. You also have to make the changes gradually. Kids don’t like change. They especially don’t like sudden and major change.
Step One: Get your wife to agree that things have to change. Step Two: Agree to specifically what will change and how. Step Three: Slowly work towards the goal.
 
Sirk

Sirk

Banned
#27
Mar 2, 2016
8,896
113
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#27
You have to be honest and direct about how you feel with your wife. Might not hurt to journal your thoughts and feelings about it all. Someone suggested writing a letter...if you do that or even just in conversation with your wife about everything...avoid any blaming language with her....AVOID AT ALL COSTS THE URGE TO BLAME HER FOR ANYTHING OR IN ANY WAY. :)

Stick to using "I" language as much as possible....avoid the word "you" as much as possible. Be open and vulnerable with your feelings....compliment her whenever you have the opportunity. Ask her what her intentions are for moving....ask her if she feels unsafe....ask her if she feels that you are not safe for your step child....ask lots of questions about her heart and then accept her answers without blaming judging. If she gets mad at you give her permission to be angry with you and then ask more questions. Ask her if she wants to know your intentions and heart....if she says no....be patient and wait for her to want to. If you do all those things well she might melt in your arms all over again. Your mission should be to foster trust for you in your wife.....something has broken that down. Or it could be that your wife is insecure about something....at any rate...chase after her pain. You have to create an environment that you become a siphon for the things inside your wifes heart.
 
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Rosesrock

Guest
#28
#28
Sirk said:
You have to be honest and direct about how you feel with your wife. Might not hurt to journal your thoughts and feelings about it all. Someone suggested writing a letter...if you do that or even just in conversation with your wife about everything...avoid any blaming language with her....AVOID AT ALL COSTS THE URGE TO BLAME HER FOR ANYTHING OR IN ANY WAY. :)

Stick to using "I" language as much as possible....avoid the word "you" as much as possible. Be open and vulnerable with your feelings....compliment her whenever you have the opportunity. Ask her what her intentions are for moving....ask her if she feels unsafe....ask her if she feels that you are not safe for your step child....ask lots of questions about her heart and then accept her answers without blaming judging. If she gets mad at you give her permission to be angry with you and then ask more questions. Ask her if she wants to know your intentions and heart....if she says no....be patient and wait for her to want to. If you do all those things well she might melt in your arms all over again. Your mission should be to foster trust for you in your wife.....something has broken that down. Or it could be that your wife is insecure about something....at any rate...chase after her pain. You have to create an environment that you become a siphon for the things inside your wifes heart.
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This is well said. Very

In the end your job is to make your wife feel loved and secure. Listen listen listen

In recent days I've been told I......and there was a long list. Honestly confused the crap out of where I even stand now.
 
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