Was I disrespectful?

[Jordache]

I dont think I was, but my mom thinks everything I do is disrespectful. I'm 27 yrs old and my mom is so dependent on me it's really ridiculous. Every time I set a boundary with her I get back, "you're do hateful.". "if you loved me, you wouldn't need to do this.". "you know I'm not the best mom but I deserve respect to.". These are boundaries like 1) she's cannot comment on my modesty. I have learned to look for this in other women because my mom would tell me I was immodest in a habit. 2). I told her I was taking a two week break from my phone and couldn't call or text. 3). I tell her to call her pastors wife when she asks me for advice. Etc... I have tried to
separate myself from her, but she will not let go.
Anyway, I spent a few days with her and came back today. I
held my tongue as well as I could though I'm sure it wasn't perfect. Over three days we had a long conversation about tact which began after she called me fat and lumpy. I don't know what she was thinking, but she honestly thought it was ok. My mother weighs over 300lbs. at 5'9" and I'm 139 lbs at 5'4". I really don't get it. Then she told my ain't er house smelled like pancake syrup and urine. Now I addresses the first issue because it directly involved me. I addressed the second because she asked. The next day she said I looked like a Hollywood hooker. It took me soooo long to explain why it was inappropriate.
Then I told her I was speaking at a bible study on saturday about beauty. She started offering opinions and advice and I kindly (but probably abruptly) said, "but I don't need any of your opinions". I didn't say it with attitude. I just said it. I understand why she was hurt, but I'm 27. Don't I have the right to tell met mom I don't want her advice?

 

[Liz01]

I think that you have the right but i dont think you get any benefit from that, have you tried to let her talk whatever she wants without any comment than yes or not and acting as if what she says are the most important words in the world? I do that to my mom and it works and calm her (she complains a lot too)

Is definetely difficult your situation but i have seen your posts and i think you can manage that very well.

PS I will be praying for you

 

[Jordache]

Well, there are A LOT of things I ignore, but there are certain places I draw the line. You don't fail to establish a boundary just because the person you are establishing with wont respect them. After being called a fat Hollywood hooker, I didn't feel that I really needed to hear her input on what beauty is. At some pt she has to learn that Im an adult. I have my own brain. And she's not always right.

 

[BrittanyJones]

21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
Matthew 18

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
1 Corinthians

 

[iraasuup]

I understand your problem. I have had similar issues myself, when I wished my Mother would just back out of my business.

I have come to realise it's all in how you handle it. I have now learnt to say something like this (after listening to her opinion on a subject about what SHE thinks I should do and why) I will respond with 'Okay Mum, thank you for your suggestion. I appreciate what you're saying, but I think I'd rather do this, or I have decided to do such and such instead'.

That sets clear boundaries, makes it clear you've made your decision, but without being rude or disrespectful. Mothers only want what is best for their children, so they will never stop giving advice, even when their children are no longer 'children'. It took me a while to realise this, but I'm glad I did. Let me give you a little tip, whatever you do, no matter how annoying your Mum may be at times (and she WILL be annoying), do not push her away. There will come a time even in adulthood where you will need her more than ever, and you want those arms of hers to be open to run into.

 

[jimsun]

Hi Jordache; Hope you're ok!

A wee while back I posted 'Desiderata' by Max Ehrmann.
Give it a quick read.
J+

 

[honest01]

No,You were not disrespectful. Some times, our mothers behave in such a manner and it hurt us a lot. Some times, when my mother behave badly or speak to me badly, I correct her by speaking to her with respect and honor. I suggest that you should do so.

 

[Jordache]

Love does suffer long, but that doesn't mean it gets trampled. I love my mom and I don't push her away. However she thinks I do because I'm learning to not let her walk all over me.

 

[Kimmee]

Its tough and I totally understand where you are coming from. I didn't' understand in the past what was being a good respectful child and what was standing up for ones self as an adult. My (don't get me wrong I love this women with all my heart) mother was living her life thru my life. I continued to let this happen and there for I enabled here to continue doing it to me. When my marriage was falling apart I began to take some huge steps to over all improve my life. Some steps were hard to take. This first one was to put some distance between my mother and I. I hated not having her in my life but this allowed her to begin to have a life of her own. I stopped communication with her but continued to have my kids see her and do things with her. It took a few months and then things were better. Now I keep her at a safe distance and things are great. She has her life and I have my life. Maybe taking a step back away from your mother will help. Try explaining to her that you need some time to figure out yourself and need to do it on your own. Explain that you still love her and will always love her and try very hard to get her to understand and not feel hurt.