Wedding woe

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aharp

Junior Member
Oct 29, 2017
28
12
3
#21
So quick to judge. We do not support him, I do not want to run his life. I am comfortable letting the Lord do that. I never said I was not happy for him, just struggling with his decisions. I am learning. Maybe a little grace on your part?
 

maxwel

Senior Member
Apr 18, 2013
8,711
1,924
113
#22
Well, if he was my kid, I'd definitely hire the wedding singer...

this guy.



 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
1,881
1,224
113
#23
I feel you @aharp

It does seem a little odd depending on how well he knows his family and is aware of the impact it would have and not really communicating the reasoning and giving you peace of mind...but then again, some people aren't very communicative.

Is this standard for him?
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,731
113
Texas
#24
I feel you @aharp

It does seem a little odd depending on how well he knows his family and is aware of the impact it would have and not really communicating the reasoning and giving you peace of mind...but then again, some people aren't very communicative.

Is this standard for him?
It's not odd.
He is trying to build his own life outside of his family, while trying not to alienate them. Which is normal and healthy. He already knows that they are having hurt feelings over the decision that he made. How is he supposed to answer them?
She is struggling with her feelings over a decision that he made about his wedding because it did not include them as part of the wedding party, even though it didn't exclude them from being at the wedding it self.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
18,814
5,628
113
#25
It's not odd.
He is trying to build his own life outside of his family, while trying not to alienate them. Which is normal and healthy. He already knows that they are having hurt feelings over the decision that he made. How is he supposed to answer them?
She is struggling with her feelings over a decision that he made about his wedding because it did not include them as part of the wedding party, even though it didn't exclude them from being at the wedding it self.
A wedding is a family event, a mature couple will understand that and act accordingly. You don't have to bend to every whim but it's not asking a lot for family to be included in the wedding party. He was close with his family so there is no reason why he should exclude them. That is immaturity on he and his brides part. Family will always be there for you, friends come and go.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
18,814
5,628
113
#26
Our son is getting married next year and he is not asking any of his siblings to be in his wedding. He has been away at college for 3 and 1/2 years, and has made some close friends and I understand his desire to include them since he met his fiance there. But honestly, it hurts. The previous 17 years he was here with us and we have a close family. (Or so I believed) They have dated for 2 and 1/2 years, and she stays with our daughters when she is in town. I am trying to understand this and I want to be happy about the wedding. But when your family is just guests at your own son's wedding it is difficult. We do have a large family so I understand somewhat, but they are including a the ex girlfriend of his best man who just broke up with him. I tried to discuss this with him and he said that it was nothing personal, they just weren't following any traditional wedding plans. Please pray for me and I would appreciate any advice.
Sorry folks , taking the other side of the fence on this one.I don't mean to be insulting but I think your son and his wife are being rather immature. This reminds me of my cousin, who was more like my brother. His mother passed away and we were very close to he and his sister. I moved from Canada before he married and was unable to attend his wedding. But his sister said he had all his buddies and their gfs stand at the wedding. She left her three boys and traveled a thousand miles to be there and it was all about his buddies. So he sent me his wedding pics and the first thing I said was "where are the photos of the family?!" There were only a handful. He knew what I was getting at. He used to be a Christian, but his wife and friends were not and it wasn't long before he followed them. One of his friends said to his sister at the wedding that there would be no mention of God or prayer. I said to her "well, looks like a good thing I didn't make it to that wedding!!".

So I think your son is being thoughtless and immature. Does he understand how that hurts his family considering it's the first wedding? Maybe someone needs to bring that up to him. Young people tend to focus on themselves these days and don't think before they act. I'm not saying he's doing it with intend, he's just not thinking and considering that his actions are hurtful.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,731
113
Texas
#27
A wedding is a family event, a mature couple will understand that and act accordingly. You don't have to bend to every whim but it's not asking a lot for family to be included in the wedding party. He was close with his family so there is no reason why he should exclude them. That is immaturity on he and his brides part. Family will always be there for you, friends come and go.
Maybe, but we don't have the full story.
 

Mii

Well-known member
Mar 23, 2019
1,881
1,224
113
#28
It's not odd.
He is trying to build his own life outside of his family, while trying not to alienate them. Which is normal and healthy. He already knows that they are having hurt feelings over the decision that he made. How is he supposed to answer them?
She is struggling with her feelings over a decision that he made about his wedding because it did not include them as part of the wedding party, even though it didn't exclude them from being at the wedding it self.
If that were his intent that's fine. To cleave from his parents in order to be one flesh.

Seems simple enough to offer reassurance. I expect hurt feelings somewhere at any wedding. Hopefully just surface level hurts. I do recognize that there are tons of variables though and people can get swept up.

No harm no foul. Not that big of a deal. I will certainly include my brother as I only have one...but I have 3 sisters so that might be an issue ;)
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,731
113
Texas
#29
Sorry folks , taking the other side of the fence on this one.I don't mean to be insulting but I think your son and his wife are being rather immature. This reminds me of my cousin, who was more like my brother. His mother passed away and we were very close to he and his sister. I moved from Canada before he married and was unable to attend his wedding. But his sister said he had all his buddies and their gfs stand at the wedding. She left her three boys and traveled a thousand miles to be there and it was all about his buddies. So he sent me his wedding pics and the first thing I said was "where are the photos of the family?!" There were only a handful. He knew what I was getting at. He used to be a Christian, but his wife and friends were not and it wasn't long before he followed them. One of his friends said to his sister at the wedding that there would be no mention of God or prayer. I said to her "well, looks like a good thing I didn't make it to that wedding!!".

So I think your son is being thoughtless and immature. Does he understand how that hurts his family considering it's the first wedding? Maybe someone needs to bring that up to him. Young people tend to focus on themselves these days and don't think before they act. I'm not saying he's doing it with intend, he's just not thinking and considering that his actions are hurtful.
Yeah I have some family up in Chicago, they are my cousins. They were all real close; family reunions, and everybody's birthday at Mom's house and from all outward appearances they appeared close. They were really just all trying to control each other. I moved up there among them, the most smothering, toxic, controlling, back biting, thing I ever witnessed. Yea they were there for you, as leverage. After their mom and dad died they rarely even talk to each other. But even they would say how wonderfully close they were.
Not that this is the case with the OP, my point is just that we don't know the whole story.
I have a philosophy for this type of thing. I call it, participate at your level relationships.
 

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
Oct 25, 2014
4,891
2,532
113
#30
Sorry folks , taking the other side of the fence on this one.I don't mean to be insulting but I think your son and his wife are being rather immature. This reminds me of my cousin, who was more like my brother. His mother passed away and we were very close to he and his sister. I moved from Canada before he married and was unable to attend his wedding. But his sister said he had all his buddies and their gfs stand at the wedding. She left her three boys and traveled a thousand miles to be there and it was all about his buddies. So he sent me his wedding pics and the first thing I said was "where are the photos of the family?!" There were only a handful. He knew what I was getting at. He used to be a Christian, but his wife and friends were not and it wasn't long before he followed them. One of his friends said to his sister at the wedding that there would be no mention of God or prayer. I said to her "well, looks like a good thing I didn't make it to that wedding!!".

So I think your son is being thoughtless and immature. Does he understand how that hurts his family considering it's the first wedding? Maybe someone needs to bring that up to him. Young people tend to focus on themselves these days and don't think before they act. I'm not saying he's doing it with intend, he's just not thinking and considering that his actions are hurtful.
You misunderstood because of how the OP worded it. The family is of course going to be at the wedding and take pictures.
The bride and groom just want their best friends to fill special roles like bridesmaids etc, and organize the event. Family is family always; family members cannot lose their positions... With this they likely want to also give significance to the people they love most outside of the family, and somehow make them also part of the family, by giving them roles in this event. This does not diminish the family, nor can a best friend ever take away the honor of being the bride's mother, etc. Why see this in such a negative way? I don't know how this turned into them not being Christian...
 

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
Oct 25, 2014
4,891
2,532
113
#31
Our son is getting married next year and he is not asking any of his siblings to be in his wedding. He has been away at college for 3 and 1/2 years, and has made some close friends and I understand his desire to include them since he met his fiance there. But honestly, it hurts. The previous 17 years he was here with us and we have a close family. (Or so I believed) They have dated for 2 and 1/2 years, and she stays with our daughters when she is in town. I am trying to understand this and I want to be happy about the wedding. But when your family is just guests at your own son's wedding it is difficult. We do have a large family so I understand somewhat, but they are including a the ex girlfriend of his best man who just broke up with him. I tried to discuss this with him and he said that it was nothing personal, they just weren't following any traditional wedding plans. Please pray for me and I would appreciate any advice.
I believe, when you see your son getting married and founding his family, you will feel such pride, joy and a bit of melancholy mixed in, that the thoughts like who's the bridesmaid and so forth that has been upsetting you so much, will not even cross your mind...
There is no reason to feel threatened, or less important. Not one of his friends can fill your spot, or the spots of his siblings. I understand that you had your own ideas and plans about the wedding, as most parents do, but I'm also sure you ultimately want him to be happy.

I think the thing to think about is this:
"The previous 17 years he was here with us and we have a close family. (Or so I believed)"
It looks to me more like you are scared of the family falling apart, and relationships changing/severing as your son is becoming more independent. Rather than wedding roles assignment, correct me if I'm wrong but I think this is what's really giving you stress... This is something to give to God. First, in Jesus' name we pray God give you peace and comfort with His love. Jesus heal sister aharp's wounds and strengthen her in peace that transcends understanding. Bless this family and bind and restore unto the love of God if any are broken and scattered, in Jesus' name. Amen
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
18,814
5,628
113
#32
You misunderstood because of how the OP worded it. The family is of course going to be at the wedding and take pictures.
The bride and groom just want their best friends to fill special roles like bridesmaids etc, and organize the event. Family is family always; family members cannot lose their positions... With this they likely want to also give significance to the people they love most outside of the family, and somehow make them also part of the family, by giving them roles in this event. This does not diminish the family, nor can a best friend ever take away the honor of being the bride's mother, etc. Why see this in such a negative way? I don't know how this turned into them not being Christian...
Please read my post, I didn't say anything about them not being Christian.
 

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
Oct 25, 2014
4,891
2,532
113
#33
Please read my post, I didn't say anything about them not being Christian.
Not that they are not being Christians, but that they are being unchristian. I got that because you talked about these other people it sounded like you implied it was unchristian to want to organize your own wedding and give your friends importance at the wedding, as you compared them with the people who used to Christian but are not anymore because he followed after wife and her friends... You made that parallel... Please do not stir up thoughts in his mom against his future wife. That is recipe for disaster. Especially since you based your post on misunderstanding the OP... (If he wanted to exclude the family from the wedding, I'd agree with you and say it's wrong, but this is not the case...)
They are likely planning only closer family members and friends, which may be understandable for financial reasons. His mom doesn't quite agree with their priorities about some friends invited. But fact is that these are the people who are truly present in their lives. Most people see majority of cousins only at weddings and funerals.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
18,814
5,628
113
#34
Not that they are not being Christians, but that they are being unchristian. I got that because you talked about these other people it sounded like you implied it was unchristian to want to organize your own wedding and give your friends importance at the wedding, as you compared them with the people who used to Christian but are not anymore because he followed after wife and her friends... You made that parallel... Please do not stir up thoughts in his mom against his future wife. That is recipe for disaster. Especially since you based your post on misunderstanding the OP... (If he wanted to exclude the family from the wedding, I'd agree with you and say it's wrong, but this is not the case...)
No, sorry I wasn't drawing that parallel. My point was that my cousin excluded the family from standing at the wedding, the same as the OP said. I did not say they that the OPs son was not a Christian. And I wasn't stirring anything up against the wife. I said they are being thoughtless and immature, and they are. As I said ,friends come and go. If this is upsetting his family then feelings will be stirred up against he and his wife because of it.


They are likely planning only closer family members and friends, which may be understandable for financial reasons. His mom doesn't quite agree with their priorities about some friends invited. But fact is that these are the people who are truly present in their lives. Most people see majority of cousins only at weddings and funerals.
I think you need to re-read the OP. She said his friends are standing instead of his siblings. You don't get any closer family than that. She didn't say she was upset about friends being invited, she said she was upset that they were standing and his siblings weren't. We aren't talking about his cousins, again you need to read the OP over again.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
18,814
5,628
113
#35
Not trying to be rude but here is the OP...

Our son is getting married next year and he is not asking any of his siblings to be in his wedding. He has been away at college for 3 and 1/2 years, and has made some close friends and I understand his desire to include them since he met his fiance there. But honestly, it hurts. The previous 17 years he was here with us and we have a close family. (Or so I believed) They have dated for 2 and 1/2 years, and she stays with our daughters when she is in town. I am trying to understand this and I want to be happy about the wedding. But when your family is just guests at your own son's wedding it is difficult. We do have a large family so I understand somewhat, but they are including a the ex girlfriend of his best man who just broke up with him. I tried to discuss this with him and he said that it was nothing personal, they just weren't following any traditional wedding plans. Please pray for me and I would appreciate any advice.

So my understanding is that he is putting his friends in the wedding instead of his siblings. And this has caused hurt in the family. As to "just close family" an ex girlfriend isn't exactly close either. Not as close as a sibling or a cousin for that matter. Again it's just immaturity on the son's part. Hopefully he'll think about it and change his mind.
 

SoulWeaver

Senior Member
Oct 25, 2014
4,891
2,532
113
#36
No, sorry I wasn't drawing that parallel. My point was that my cousin excluded the family from standing at the wedding, the same as the OP said. I did not say they that the OPs son was not a Christian. And I wasn't stirring anything up against the wife. I said they are being thoughtless and immature, and they are. As I said ,friends come and go. If this is upsetting his family then feelings will be stirred up against he and his wife because of it.
Ok...

I think you need to re-read the OP. She said his friends are standing instead of his siblings. You don't get any closer family than that. She didn't say she was upset about friends being invited, she said she was upset that they were standing and his siblings weren't. We aren't talking about his cousins, again you need to read the OP over again.
When I mentioned cousins, it was related to the number of invitations (as mom said, we do have a large family, but then expressed disagreement about some girl friend being invited). So I concluded the number of guests was limited, to closer family and some friends. She did say in the post family will be guests at the wedding...

I did not get the impression that the siblings will be absent from the wedding, just that they didn't get assigned certain roles at the wedding... That's what everyone's been talking about from the beginning of the thread, various roles, like bridesmaids. Which I really don't see as the end of the world, why is that so terrible?

But if her son doesn't want his siblings at the wedding, unless there are strong causes for such (which we don't know), that's another matter. Maybe the OP should jump in and clarify it for us, so we wouldn't go back and forth...
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
18,814
5,628
113
#37
Ok...



When I mentioned cousins, it was related to the number of invitations (as mom said, we do have a large family, but then expressed disagreement about some girl friend being invited). So I concluded the number of guests was limited, to closer family and some friends.

I did not get the impression that the siblings will be absent from the wedding, just that they didn't get assigned certain roles at the wedding... That's what everyone's been talking about from the beginning of the thread, various roles, like bridesmaids. Which I really don't see as the end of the world, why is that so terrible?

But if her son doesn't want his siblings at the wedding, unless there are strong causes for such (which we don't know), that's another matter. Maybe the OP should jump in and clarify it for us, so we wouldn't go back and forth...

Not sure the OP will be back. But we do need some things cleared up. She indicated the family is close so I'm just going on that. Let's see if she fills us in on the details. Right now we don't have much to go on.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,731
113
Texas
#38
Not sure the OP will be back. But we do need some things cleared up. She indicated the family is close so I'm just going on that. Let's see if she fills us in on the details. Right now we don't have much to go on.
I was talking to my daughter last night about this very thing, (I refered to this thread ).
She told me some very interesting things that I didn't think of.
She is the older sister and I going to get married in November. I told her I would never given it a thought about who she and Marcus chose as bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Any way she said that when she was still at home, she would be going to do something of a social event, and that Mom would try to always get her to take her brother with her, and that even though she is close with her brother, she just wanted to go be herself, and have her own fun.
I think as parents we do this, often not thinking but there by robbing the older of their independence and freedom by thrusting the siblings upon them.
So I'm thinking that the fellow just wants to have his independent life, and not be responsible for the siblings for once.
There is a lot to family Dynamics.
I have a some philosophy in the matter. I let everyone who wants too participate with me and at their level. I have just a few ground rules.

1. I don't go stupid places to do stupid things with stupid people.
2. If I have plans you can join but the plan isn't changing. They can be modified to include, but the plan is the plan.
3. Appropriate to the situation behavior is expected. I don't tolerate drunkenness, drug use, overtly foul language, or disrespect from or toward anyone with me.

Otherwise come along join in be a part have fun.
 

kaylagrl

Senior Member
Oct 18, 2014
18,814
5,628
113
#39
I was talking to my daughter last night about this very thing, (I refered to this thread ).
She told me some very interesting things that I didn't think of.
She is the older sister and I going to get married in November. I told her I would never given it a thought about who she and Marcus chose as bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Any way she said that when she was still at home, she would be going to do something of a social event, and that Mom would try to always get her to take her brother with her, and that even though she is close with her brother, she just wanted to go be herself, and have her own fun.
I think as parents we do this, often not thinking but there by robbing the older of their independence and freedom by thrusting the siblings upon them.
So I'm thinking that the fellow just wants to have his independent life, and not be responsible for the siblings for once.
There is a lot to family Dynamics.
I have a some philosophy in the matter. I let everyone who wants too participate with me and at their level. I have just a few ground rules.

1. I don't go stupid places to do stupid things with stupid people.
2. If I have plans you can join but the plan isn't changing. They can be modified to include, but the plan is the plan.
3. Appropriate to the situation behavior is expected. I don't tolerate drunkenness, drug use, overtly foul language, or disrespect from or toward anyone with me.

Otherwise come along join in be a part have fun.
I'm going to be honest, my opinion still hasn't changed. But I'd like to ask how you came up with your philosophy and how do you make it stick? Especially the second one? Because I have some issues with family over that one.
 

Locoponydirtman

Well-known member
Oct 9, 2018
2,872
1,731
113
Texas
#40
I'm going to be honest, my opinion still hasn't changed. But I'd like to ask how you came up with your philosophy and how do you make it stick? Especially the second one? Because I have some issues with family over that one.
On the first point about changing your opinion; you are entitled to it. Its of no consequence to me.

As to how I enforce rule number two; it's quite simple actually and I have a story that exemplifies.
A couple of weeks ago I traveled out of state with three purposes in mind, my wife had her own purposes. Mine were to see my daughter, to see my dad, and to have a conversation with the pastor.
On Sunday evening when I was had planned to see the pastor, I invited a friend of mine to come and join us, as there would be other fellows from the church there as well. My friend's wife tried to manipulate the situation so that I would be at their house rather than the pastor's house. She spent extra money on food and tried to get us to stay through dinner, but this was the time that I had scheduled to spend at the pastor's house. I had agreed to pick up her husband and he could ride with me. so when I showed up and they had this spread of food out and my buddy said let's eat before we go.
I told him to pack up his dinner and take it with him he could eat it in my truck. His wife looked at me in her upset way, I asked her are you upset? To which she said yes. I told her, these have been my plans since I came here. I hugged her kissed her on the forehead told her that I love her, and then told her husband if you're going; come with me, and we left.