Why do marriages fail?

[presidente]

I just remember huge houses in the suburbs, huge supermarkets, huge cars, and the size of many of the people were double. In the US. NYC was pretty overwhelming, and New Jersey.
some US are very vociferous in their manner and language, but surprisingly,

Well, you went to New York and New Jersey. People are a little more laid back if you go west or especially south.

all the US couples I know that came to nz, or married, did not work out.

I am sorry to hear that.

I worked for an american lady and she told me that the american dream, as they call it, is for big house, big car, every year trading up to somewhere bigger and better on a never ending quest for more more more. It just sounded really bizarre.

Politicitans through that phrase around, 'the American dream.' I think it has to do with owning a house that's paid off and sending your kids through college, or whatever. Everyone who cares about the phrase probably has his or her own definition of it.

New Zealand has a lot of land for the size of the population, doesn't it? Are the houses smaller than in the US? A Welsh man who became a New Zealander I spoke with a few years ago said there were not enough builders on the islands, though.

 

[presidente]

yes but it may be genuinely wanting to marry or, is it genuinely wanting to live in another country..and who's country, you cant live in both. One has to give up their homeland. that is a big ask, to be cut off from your homeland and all the rest of your family.

My wife and I have spent about half our marriage in her country and halfbin mine. It is just how it turned out

 

[Lanolin]

yea houses are a lot smaller, and sad to say we dont have enough housing stock for new couples. the houses that we have are not that robust - many are made of wood, have no insulation, are damp and cold in winter. a lot of people extend their houses if their family expands. But with shrinking land available in cities, nowadays people are going for infill housing.
its easier to bust down a house and build a new one, rather than renovate an old one but many dont last that long. some might even have to go live on apartments, which rapidly turn into slums...


paying for college, well in the past some families can only choose for ONE child to go to college cos it was so expensive. So many had to take out student loans and left the country cos they couldnt pay it back. But now the govt has changed its policy and tertiary education is free for the first year.

not many people subscribe to typical 'american dream' as such but there is a high rate of home ownership in nz. Home ownership is still the ideal, although out of reach now for many, college education, not so much.

The way land has been bought and sold has devastated a lot of families especially with foreign investors jacking up land prices through speculation. the govt also put a stop to that.

 

[Lanolin]

In NZ, more people live in 'de facto' relationships then actually get married these days.
I think its because people cant afford to get married or, lifetime commitment is just not what people want to do anymore. In many cases, well most of the women Ive talked to, the men deserted the family.
I also think high unemployement has a lot to do with it. For many men, not having a steady job lessens their chance of staying together. to be a hsuband, and if you want to have a mortgage, the banks require you to earn a certain amount over at least 5 years or more...typical mortgage is 25 years to pay it off. that means you need to stay in the same job or field earning a base line income for at least 10 years or so.

Nowadays job security isnt guaranteed. some people I have talked to said their parents split up when they were only 2 years old. So they couldnt even stay together for 10'years!!

 

[Lanolin]

if you already own a home, or its been handed down in your family, then you dont need to worry too much about stuff like mortgages I suppose.
however most new couples want their own home away from their parents rather than stay on their family land. but you need to be prepared to work hard to get to that point, and you wont be able to have holidays or any extra stuff if your priority is to own that home/land.

This is very different from OT Bible times when the land was given and divided up into lots according to tribe. They did not have things like mortgages and werent really allowed to buy and sell land. They were commanded to look after what they were given.

 

[presidente]

if you already own a home, or its been handed down in your family, then you dont need to worry too much about stuff like mortgages I suppose.
however most new couples want their own home away from their parents rather than stay on their family land. but you need to be prepared to work hard to get to that point, and you wont be able to have holidays or any extra stuff if your priority is to own that home/land.

This is very different from OT Bible times when the land was given and divided up into lots according to tribe. They did not have things like mortgages and werent really allowed to buy and sell land. They were commanded to look after what they were given.

They were able to sell land, but it was the equivalent of a lease on the property for a maximum of 50 years, whenever the jubilee fell, and prices were adjusted accordingly, at least during times when they tried to observe this law. I think they could sell homes in the cities.

Is construction quality poor in New Zealand due to a lack of skilled labor or materials, or just because people cannot afford quality construction?

 

[Lanolin]

They were able to sell land, but it was the equivalent of a lease on the property for a maximum of 50 years, whenever the jubilee fell, and prices were adjusted accordingly, at least during times when they tried to observe this law. I think they could sell homes in the cities.

Is construction quality poor in New Zealand due to a lack of skilled labor or materials, or just because people cannot afford quality construction?

probably both.
the building trade is a bit of a joke, we have NZ standards but they dont seem to be enforced or overseen the way they should be.
Buildng developers MIGHT be able to afford quality construction but everyone seems to cut corners. You have leaky buildings that were built in the 90s. And we had a brand new library built and the roof started leaking after only 5 years. It was architecturally designed and everything.

what happens is tenders put forward a price, then do a shoddy job and pocket the difference. They want to make a profit too. I saw a lot of that in the trade. It might look good on the outside but who cares whats going on under then rug or behind the walls.

 

[Lanolin]

some people are still removing ASBESTOS from their homes. eek.

 

[GrandmaS]

Im always shocked when I hear of a married couple splitting up. It makes me question a few things, especially if its a christian couple

we know marriage is no guarantee that adultery and unfaithfulness wont happen, but why is it so common these days even in the church. Is it because couples ARE unequally yoked to begin with or some other reason? or is it because of pressure to be married, and from being young and naive and maybe a bit blind to the responsibilites of raising a family, the commitment involved? not enough preparation?

for women is the desire to have children and then caring for them outweighing wifely duties, and for men is it the pressure of providing for the family that ends up splitting couples apart?

or is it simply hardness of heart? what do divorcees say about lessons they learned from being married? when you say marriage vows, arent you both supposed to MEAN what you say or is it just a token thing you do now?

from speaking with split couples my conclusions from observations of women are that they didnt really want to be married it was pressure to be married and not being able to say no, and also pressure to have children before being too old. some wanted childen MORE than wanting a husband thats what I seem to notice, and so chose badly, or put up with abuse, a husbands personal qualities didnt seem to matter over his ability to actually sire children. I really want people to be honest about the issue. Because why would people go to all the trouble of getting married, set up a house together and then just break up after a couple of years it does not make sense. and it also doenst make sense for any children caught in the middle of the drama.

For me it was ending an abusive relationship. When he told me over and over that it was my fault and that I had to change, I finally did make the change. I changed my husband. I changed the father figure for my children. I tried for over 15 years and finally realized it was up to me to break the chain.

 

[Lanolin]

For me it was ending an abusive relationship. When he told me over and over that it was my fault and that I had to change, I finally did make the change. I changed my husband. I changed the father figure for my children. I tried for over 15 years and finally realized it was up to me to break the chain.

hooray.

It seems to me like abusive spouses are like asbestos, they need to be removed. Whoever thought they would be good marriage material was wrong sorry, and people unwittingly married someone toxic. Thats not good for your children to be living in a toxic environment.