Worrried

[EscalanteJ]

Hello. I am really struggling with my marriage. We have been married 8 months and together 1 year tomorrow. My husband is a very hard working man and I love and am very proud of him. I have made many mistakes while we were dating ( witch was only 4 months before we got married ). I relapsed after 3 1/2 years of being sober, during this time he saw someone he NEVER saw in me before. I have since not touched a drink in 2 months and we have been baptized together and are active in our church...... Problem is there is much distance between us and I feel as I've pushed him away I struggle with depression and am on meds. I recently had them adjusted and am doing well on them. Now he seems to always be tired and is not affectionate like he used to be. I had discovered that he was watching porn a couple months ago and since then he has not looked at all. He talked to our Pastor about this and I thought everything was ok.? Now I have gained some weight and my self esteem has gone down a lot. The weight gain was from the meds and that was one of the main reasoning for adjusting along with a couple other things. I don't know what to do. I was the one to push him away sexually and now it's the opposite! This is so frustrating! I need to be honest i've seriously thought about cheating. I haven't but I know just the though is cheating. I've tried talking to him and asking if it's me, something we are doing wrong, new? IDK!! Need some Christian advise, I can talk to my 'friends' but that will be NO HELP. Please understand that this was very hard to talk about and very personal.

 

[kenisyes]

You need to talk this over with him. Better yet, you need to pray through this with him. It could take many conversations. My experience says that both of you will need the other's input to discover what is really causing the problem. Certainly an approach like "I love you and I never want us to be apart, but I feel like something is going wrong, and I can't put my finger on it" can't hurt.

 

[Ugly]

You both need counseling. Both as individuals, then as a couple. Its obvious you two rushed into the marriage, and that neither of you were ready for it. Now you're stuck with the consequences of your choices. So now you both have an obligation to do everything possible to make this marriage something that honors God, and stop pointing fingers, or feeling like a victim. Neither of you are victims in this as you both chose to make a bad decision.
As i said, you both need counseling, and i think without it you guys will not last. He likely needs help with his porn. And you need help with your self esteem and maybe help on how to cope with depression and still have a good marriage.
Not trying to come of as condemning or mean, just pointing out the facts of the situation, at least based on the information you have given.

 

[LIVEANDLEARN]

TRUST AND BELIEVE. GOD BRINGS US TO IT AND HE WILL BRING US THROUGH IT. ONE DAY AT A TIME. STAY PRAYED UP ALONE AND WITH EACH OTHER. ALL THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. THE WORD SAYS HE WILL NEVER PUT MORE ON US THAN WE CAN BEAR, AND WHEN WE THINK HE HAS, ITS A TEST OF HOW STRONG OUR FAITH IS.

 

[RickyZ]

You've received a lot of good sprititual advice here and I'm going to amen those. But I'm also going to speak to the physical world issues too.

You cannot bridge distance with clingingness. And I'm not saying that's what's happening here, I just know from observation that's often what happens. People take distance by storm because they need some space, and the only way to make that better is to give them some. You know those old human sayings about familiarity breeding contempt, and absence making the heart grow fonder? Those are absolutely true. You need to stand back and make him reach for you, not crowd and make him push you away. He can't do both at the same time.

 

[joshhuntnm]

don't give up. marriage is hard as anyone will tell you. Read some good books on marriage. See if you church ever has some classes (you might mention that to your pastor.

 

[bobo]

This is identical to my situation at the momment my fella does not come near me in the bedroom months on end i know he looks at porn and i put it down to that but the more he looks at these thin good looking women on these porn sites the more i put on weight drink and get depressed. I too feel like cheating i have tryed to talk to him about it but he just says hes tired but yet he is the same if we go on holliday so i just dont know all i know is that the longer it goes on the more ugly and parranoid i find myself getting.
I am sorry i can offer no advice but i thought it may help to share my story as it is so similar to yours and at least you will find comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this situation i think its quite common.xxx

 

[kenisyes]

Can I make a wild guess, as an older man? If he has been looking at sex as recreation, he may be thinking of you as the cause of part of the problems of his life he wishes recreation from. (Part of society's unrealistic expectations placed on the man.) That's why looking at something other than you may seem more desirable. I'm not sure what you should do about it, but it starts by honestly talking and praying about it. Sex should be a joint ministry of sharing God's creative love with each other. You both need to be a shelter for each other, not part of each other's problems of life.

Fear of rejection is normal for a woman, because for a woman to make a baby is emotionally a 30 year commitment, and she needs the certainty of a husband being there. I don't think a woman's appearance matters that much as you get older (but I think health does, as life is still pretty demanding). It's the relationship through trials that counts.

 

[bobo]

Can i just ask why do you think us as women are part of the problem which causes men to go towards porn as a recreation escape just curious

 

[kenisyes]

It's not women themselves, but what society tells men about women. Men believe that it is their job to be in charge of supporting financially and emotionally, and to lead the family spiritually. Just the way I worded it is on purpose: those words sound like everything - body (go out and work), soul (emotionally), and spirit, and the burden for all falls on the man. because he is "in charge". There is nothing a man can receive in return except sex, free housekeeping, and children to carry on his name (and lately that's not working too well). If sex requires going to the person he must be "in charge of" all the time, he'd rather go elsewhere. Porn is heavily visual, therefore easy to obtain, and gives the quickest alternative.

Examine the argument carefully. It is full of mistakes and full of non sequiturs. I assume your phrasing "you think us as women" did not mean how I read it. I do not think women are the problem. I think unrealistic and unScriptural expectations are the problem. I think that most men and women are not aware that Scripture has marriage being a joint ministry, undertaken by two people, to prepare God's unfolding on earth for a new generation. If effort were applied by both husband and wife with that purpose in mind, God would make it a joy most days, and a joint challenge and victory when it must be.

 

[Hungry]

Escalante,

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Let's face it, men since the beginning are drawn physically to more than one woman. Just read about the multiple wives and concubines (girlfriends) that the men of faith had in the old testament. God just made women very attractive to men. Women are drawn to men for other reasons like strength and fortitude and ability to take command. That's why they are getting their fix from watching soaps. I'm not justifying it only identifying the problem. Look at these Hollywood actors who are married to some of the "sexiest" women around. They still go out and sleep around with women less attractive than their spouses. It's not the quality of the woman you are married to that causes men to look at porn it is the quality of his relationship to Christ. When I'm tempted I hear Jesus ask me, "Do you love me more than this?" As for the condition of your marriage, well, I've heard of worse turning into very strong healthy relationships. You just didn't really know each other when you got married. That takes time and commitment. Even when it's hard you just have to hold one another up. He will push your buttons, you will push his. Just try to keep you sense of humour. Don't talk so much in prayer but take time to listen. It's amazing what God's trying to tell us if we could shut up long enough to hear. Keep your hopes high but your expectations low so he won't continue to disappoint you. I've been married 14 years and counting, honestly sometimes happier than others but we always make it through the tough spots and there's been several. Pleeeease don't think children will bring you closer together. Good luck. My prayers are with you.

 

[Lucy68]

Please don't fall into the temptation of adultery...it could completely destroy your marriage. Going to counseling together may be a big help in getting the communication going. Sounds like you both have issues to work out and that can actually be a marriage-building thing by recognizing them and being willing to work on them together.

I know a lot of women feel like they're under pressure to look like porn stars. Porn really hurts a marriage relationship. I think your self esteem will improve with counseling. Exercise, eating right, and getting enough sleep really do help us mentally and physically. And, of course, seeking a close relationship with Christ will definitely fill a void. He will lead you to a good place .

 

[hellopeople]

Hello. I am really struggling with my marriage. We have been married 8 months and together 1 year tomorrow. My husband is a very hard working man and I love and am very proud of him. I have made many mistakes while we were dating ( witch was only 4 months before we got married ). I relapsed after 3 1/2 years of being sober, during this time he saw someone he NEVER saw in me before. I have since not touched a drink in 2 months and we have been baptized together and are active in our church...... Problem is there is much distance between us and I feel as I've pushed him away I struggle with depression and am on meds. I recently had them adjusted and am doing well on them. Now he seems to always be tired and is not affectionate like he used to be. I had discovered that he was watching porn a couple months ago and since then he has not looked at all. He talked to our Pastor about this and I thought everything was ok.? Now I have gained some weight and my self esteem has gone down a lot. The weight gain was from the meds and that was one of the main reasoning for adjusting along with a couple other things. I don't know what to do. I was the one to push him away sexually and now it's the opposite! This is so frustrating! I need to be honest i've seriously thought about cheating. I haven't but I know just the though is cheating. I've tried talking to him and asking if it's me, something we are doing wrong, new? IDK!! Need some Christian advise, I can talk to my 'friends' but that will be NO HELP. Please understand that this was very hard to talk about and very personal.

Firstly i would say drop the medication, if anything it is making things worse as it seems.

Psalms 51:12
Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuJ7-s3gN4k[/video]

You don't need meds for your depression you need Jesus Christ!

Matthew 11
28Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Luke 8:43-48
As Jesus went, the people pressed around him. 43And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and though she had spent all her living on physicians,e she could not be healed by anyone. 44She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased. 45And Jesus said, “Who was it that touched me?” When all denied it, Peterf said, “Master, the crowds surround you and are pressing in on you!” 46But Jesus said, “Someone touched me, for I perceive that power has gone out from me.” 47And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed. 48And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace.”

Also check out Isaiah 61:1-3!

Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

I pray in Jesus' Mighty name that your relationship may be revatilised and that God may shed his Love in your hearts by the Holy Spirit for one to another, and grant you mutual love, i pray that in Jesus Mighty name the spirit of depression will be cast away and that God may restore you to the joy of his salvation, in Jesus Mighty name, amen!

 

[bobo]

Please dont stop taking your meds for depression as a fellow sufferer stopping your meds suddenly can cause very nasty symptoms and suicidal thoughts. xxx