Young Mother Needs Advice.

[screambefree]

My name is Shannon, and I am 23 years old. I have been married for 2 years, off and on. I have a 1 year old daughter, named Allura. I am seeking advice on my marital situation from someone who values the Lord, and the Bible. I am at a lost. I have been dedicated to the Lord for about a year now, and have almost turned my life around completely, with the exception of a few things. My marriage. I don’t know if I should stay. When I met my husband 3 years ago, he was addicted to drugs. I felt sorry for him, and tried to help him. We were inseperatable. He did some very bad things to me, stole from me, cheated on me, and emotionally abused me. I stayed, and eventually married him. He sobered up, and we had our first child. Since then, he has made promises about being the person he knows he should be. We do attend church together, and he says his intentions are good. Sometimes I don’t believe him. My entire family thinks he is using me, because he refuses to get a job. He has “babysat” my daughter almost her entire life while I’ve worked a job, and even two jobs. She barely knows me, and clings to him. It makes me sad. His main excuse for not working is having a criminal record, and it stopping him from getting hired. That said, he’s been employed twice and quit each job because it was “too hard” and “too hot outside”. (Two outdoor jobs, car cash and painting). Now, he sits at home while I work, and plays video games all day. When I get home from work, he doesn’t stop playing the video games, and tells me to “go upstairs” if I want to watch T.V. We don’t kiss, we don’t touch, we don’t even talk most of the time. He refuses to stop the usage of “synthetic marijuana” even though I’ve voiced to him I’m against it- And he drinks every other night (a beer or two). I am not allowed to talk to my family, without him snickering and saying something judgemental about it. I’ve told him how all these things bother me ,and he blames me. I suffer from anxiety, and depression and have stressed him out a little, I admit. But one of the reasons I have so much anxiety and depression is because all the weight is on me. I’m not a millionare. I make 10.50/hour, and am expected to support a household on that. And since the birth of my daughter, I have had several medical problems that my husband claims are “all in my head”. I’ve had a rapid pulse, exhaustion, ovarian cysts, other female problems, and also my wisdom teeth are growing in sideways causing lots of pressure on my head, which makes me grind my teeth in my sleep. They’ve already cracked in half, and I’m at risk for infection and losing all of my teeth yet he does nothing. I have dental insurance through my employer and it would only cost $130 to get them removed, yet I don’t have the extra money and he says it’s my parents fault for not getting them out in my teens. He tells me to stop complaining and don’t talk to him about my medical problems anymore. To get over it.
We separated last year because I found out he relapsed on drugs. Shortly after, I found out he had been talking to an ex-girlfriend and he completely stopped talking to me. I was angry, and did something really bad. I had an encounter with someone else. We were separated, but not divorced. Before we got back together, I told him about it and he decided to still be with me. He swears he has not had physical contact with his ex, but I don’t know if he’s lying. So he brings this up constantly, telling me and everyone else that I “cheated” on him, and it makes me feel so horrible.
This is why he justifies everything he does, because he says I have to prove myself to him.
Well…I’m exhausted. I am barely breathing. And I feel bad for the thought about leaving him, divorcing him, and God being angry with me for it.
That he may perhaps be homeless if I do, but I don’t know what the right answer is anymore.
I’ve sought out church with him, and counseling and nothing lasts or really changes him. All the weight in upon my shoulders, and he doesn’t seem to care. Am I being selfish? Does anyone have any advice for me?


Thank you.

 

[Lucy68]

Wow, what a lot to deal with...no wonder you're having physical problems.

I suggest taking a break from him . Separation doesn't necessarily mean divorce. It's hard to think calmly and clearly and hear God's voice when everything is in turmoil.

Yes, your affair was a very bad idea; sounds like you regret it and repent of it. He's going to milk that for everything he can get out of it...especially since it will get him sympathy from other people.

Try not to react to what he says and does.

Can you take your daughter and live somewhere else for awhile? Can a trusted relative watch her while you work? Can you afford daycare?

This guy really needs to get his act together. Sitting around playing video games while you work is very irresponsible. Being back into drugs is not a good sign. Especially if he's watching the baby.

No, you're not being selfish. Take the time to think things out and to take care of just yourself (esp. your medical problems) and your daughter. Let him take care of himself.

Being married DOES NOT mean the wife has to be a doormat to her husband. You've done the right things to try to get back on track but he also has a responsibility in fixing the relationship and it sounds like he is not meeting that responsibility.

Dr. Dobson's 'tough love' teaching talks about putting down some ground rules in a relationship. One rule I would definitely give is that if he wants to get back together with you, he has to have a job that pays enough to support a family, and he has to have it for a least a year to show that he's serious. You decide what you think are reasonable rules. If he doesn't want to do these, then you know that things are not going to change. But just take the first steps and wait and see what happens.

You're going through a really tough time right now; I'm praying for strength and guidance for you, sister. Hang in there. Spend lots of quiet time with God and He will show you what to do .

 

[greatblue]

We're all selfish. I feel for you and the trials you've faced and are now facing, and I also feel for your husband, as it is obvious that he is a lost soul in bondage to habits, hurts, and sin. I am guessing he has not surrendered his life to Christ...

This is where and why the church exists corporately. He obviously needs other Christ following men who can mentor him on how to be a man after God. He needs to experience Christ in other men until he realizes, "I want that!" There is no greater joy/knowledge than realizing the husband/father role God designed us for, but it isn't an overnight experience. Have you reached out to someone at your church?

Please don't abandon perseverance just yet. All marriages have speedbumps and growing pains...we have Jesus to help us hold the line, and He wants you to know, "I got this!"

I will be praying for your family.

 

[screambefree]

I've reached out to my church, but husband refuses to be honest with them. He refuses to do the things that they advise him to do. They're told him he needs to break his habits of using marijuana, and that he needs to evaluate his anger, but he refuses. He never apologizes, or admits when he's wrong. He constantly makes excuses for being unemployed, and seems fine that I bear all the financial responsibilies alone. I don't know what to do.

 

[answers]

It is very hard being married when the two participants are on separate pages. If you feel conflicted then for me I would interpret that as I am meant to stay and fight. Flesh is unable to give you the answers you seek. We are only human and are all a work in progress. Pray, Pray, Pray! God will weigh on your heart, let him guide you. Pray for him to weigh heavy on your husband as well. Communicate clearly with your husband, give him the power to take you and your child to the next level. If he doesn't, than either God himself doesn't will that or God will do it. Don't under estimate the power of God, God created your husband for some good reason, remind your husband of his strengths and Gods will for him. Tell him all the great things about himself. "When we treat others how they ought to be we help them become what they are capable of being" -------unknown
I prayed for you, your husband, and your daughter. I wish you the best. Remember all marriages have similar stories of growth.

Bible verses:

1 Corinthians 7:2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Isaiah 54:5 For your Maker is your husband, *the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, *the God of the whole earth he is called.

Ephesians 5:23,24,32 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

Christian sayings:
“Marriage is an exclusive union between one man and one woman, publicly acknowledged, permanently sealed, and physically consummated.” ~ Selwyn Hughes
“The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.”* ~ C.S. Lewis
“A man doesn’t own his marriage; he is only the steward of his wife’s love.”* ~ Edwin Louis Cole (Ed Cole)
“God created marriage. No government subcommittee envisioned it. No social organization developed it. Marriage was conceived and born in the mind of God.”* ~ Max Lucado
“Fifty-fifty marriages are an impossibility. They do not work. They cannot work. In marriage someone has to be the final decision maker. Someone has to delegate responsibility, and God has ordained that this should be the husband. ” ~ Wayne Mack

 

[Ugly]

I'd suggest a separation as well. But this time you need to have specific conditions to be met by him before taking him back. A cheap apology and a promise to change is not appropriate conditions. If he wants you back he needs to prove himself to YOU.
Also, i'm not making a direct accusation, but if i had to guess, it sounds likely he's cheated on you. Usually when someone throws your affair in your face, and makes it so public, and ridicules you and won't let it go, many times that person is guilty as well. I've seen it many times. I don't say that to add fuel to the fire, but to help alleviate some of the guilt he throws your way. Next time he reminds you of your mistake, just think how its a good chance he's so vehement about it out of his own guilty conscience.
Sorry things are so difficult. Unfortunately we have to live with our consequences, and trusting the promises of an addict who abused and stole from you comes at a price. Though i do hope you can find a way to work this all out.

 

[Dadfeelingguilty]

Run, don't walk, from this dude. He's bad news, and not going to change.

 

[RedTent]

I am so sorry you are needing to suffer so.

If we give ourselves to God and only follow Him, God says that once you are one with another it is binding. Besides, the promises we make are binding. God gives us divorce because we live in a sinful world, and if someone has sex with another person, that is grounds for divorce. Also, we live under the law of love. God loves you and wants you to live abundantly in a good place. Another principle that applies is that when we do wrong we are forgiven and still part of the family of God, but we need to take the consequences of what we did. Looking at the life of King David explains it. David was a beloved son of our Father. David sinned and was punished for that sin, even though it was forgiven.

So there are lots of conflicting principles here, there needs to be a decision about what has the most weight. Certainly, from this time forward in your life you are part of the family of God, in the kingdom, and know the principles of living that God gives. So that is done.

I should think that just looking at God principles, you have been punished enough yet. If you stay it is going to be very difficult to live a Godly life in those circumstances. Your children will suffer. You are not helping your husband, just supporting his ungodly ways, he will have to be sacrificed to those ways. By the law of love for all involved, I should think that if you were speaking directly to God, God would say protect yourself and your children. Run fast and far, and don’t look back or wonder about it again. It seems to me this principle has more weight than the other directives God give.

God says "Go and sin no more".

 

[loveme1]

Pray for strength, guidance and comfort my friend.

Let every experience strengthen you for the Glory of Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah.

mind altering substances have a very negative impact not only on those who use, but those around them also.

Consider this man in need of your support and each day forgive him, it may be the day he Repents.

Peace and Blessings in the name of Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah.

 

[sbuttrflyy]

My first question to you my dear is...do YOU want to stay married to this man?

I don't ask because I am suggesting you divorce him...but I ask because if you do, there are drastic measures you must take.
First of all, your husband is being heavily influenced by satan. Your marriage is under heavy attack and what is happening to you is typical of people who get together without the proper guidance from Christ as to who to marry and have children by. You married your husband out of pity and was hoping that giving him a domestic life would drastically change his mind about all his destructive behavior.
Having said that NOT to judge you, you will have to have tremendous faith to make this work. Only God can fix this situation, but there are specific things you must do for Him to work in your marriages favor. God DOES

 

[sbuttrflyy]

CONTINUED....

honor covenant marriage no matter what the carnal world might say, he will intervene.
First, I want you to look at yourself. God speaks of a sanctified wife and how she influences the actions of her husband. In order for your marriage to survive, you who is slightly more mature in faith, need to get closer to Christ. You need to develop a relationship with Him. Without your own foundation in Him, you cannot do anything. Read your bible and go to verses that will swell your faith, motivate you, and give you instruction on how to handle even the smallest things in your home. Remember, there is a spiritual war for your marriage and if you do not get in the will of God yourself, you will lose and so will your daughter.
A quick reminder is that in order for you to get closer to Christ, one thing you must do is do not take the bait of satan and react to everything your husband does. When he is rude, go to your room in prayer. When he unsupportive, thank the Lord Jesus Christ that He will never leave you. What I want you to see is that when Jesus sees that you rely on Him for happiness and wholeness, THEN he can begin the work in your husband. Your husband will see the genuine change in you and his spirit which is dead in Christ will become curious as to why your are so happy. Pray for him without stopping. Don't discuss what is going on in your house with others, especially unbelievers. Go to God in prayer with everything. The change will be spiritually and God has to create a new foundation in both of you one at a time before you can be together the way He desires. Don't expect anything over night and DO expect to come under heavy attack while you are in prayer for your marriage.
Rejoiceministries.org is a great site for people in your position and there is a lot of inspirational testimonies and resources for you to start this journey. God bless and I hope the best for you and your family.

 

[shekaniah]

I'd suggest a separation as well. But this time you need to have specific conditions to be met by him before taking him back. A cheap apology and a promise to change is not appropriate conditions. If he wants you back he needs to prove himself to YOU.
Also, i'm not making a direct accusation, but if i had to guess, it sounds likely he's cheated on you. Usually when someone throws your affair in your face, and makes it so public, and ridicules you and won't let it go, many times that person is guilty as well. I've seen it many times. I don't say that to add fuel to the fire, but to help alleviate some of the guilt he throws your way. Next time he reminds you of your mistake, just think how its a good chance he's so vehement about it out of his own guilty conscience.
Sorry things are so difficult. Unfortunately we have to live with our consequences, and trusting the promises of an addict who abused and stole from you comes at a price. Though i do hope you can find a way to work this all out.

I agree with Ugly...

Take your daughter and leave...don't take him back until he can prove himself.
(I question the quality of care he is giving your daughter while he plays video games.)
If you have family that can you can move in with for awhile...
then maybe you can get your teeth fixed too.

You and your daughter will be in my prayers.
Love in Jesus, Shekaniah

 

[RoyalLadyJanice]

The wonderful thing about God is that He is able to save to the uttermost according to Heb. 7:25. It seems that a seperation (not divorce) would be extremely beneficial. It will allow God to work on and heal you (which you have control over) and work on Him (which you have no control over). I have been in a situation very similar to what you are speaking of and when I TOTALLY SURRENDERED it to God, I watched Him work a miracle on my behalf. I would also suggest diving in the Word of God and prayer (finding out what God says about Your situation for yourself....Hearing God in prayer and receiving strength for yourself) like never before, so that the Holy Spirit can minister healing and strength to you....and your child. Connect yourself with a Holy Spirit filled church and a Holy Spirit filled mentor who can help keep you strong in your transition. The last thing I would say is trust and HEAR God. If you're not hearing, don't make any carnal moves (made in the flesh). God has a plan for your life and you can walk in VICTORY. I'm believing God for and with you sis!

None of us can truly guide you as you need, but God can....so, turn to Him completely and make sure that the advice you do heed to lines up with the Word of God. Praying peace, healing, and a miracle for you!

-Janice (www.facebook.com/unveiledpower)

 

[CoreyMBailey]

Dear Sharron,

I agree with sbuttrflyy. Your marriage is under attack by Satan. He wants to break families up and remove them from God's will. But don't surrender to him.

I believe the first course of action is to pray and if able fast about the whole matter.

There has been a ton of hurt and strain on your relationship. Matt. 19:8 Jesus says that divorce was not permitted from the beginning. Your husband has a lot of bad or sinful habits but that doesn't mean that you should love him any less (just his actions.) We know Jesus came for the lost sheep. As you husband is going through his wilderness you need to be his rock and place of safety. 1 Peter 3:1 tells us, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives." Even though this will be extremely difficult, try to focus on his good qualities or actions. Even if it be one, praise and honor it. Constantly voicing opinions against what he's doing, even when it's wrong, will just make him more upset and the separation between you two will grow stronger. I'm not saying that you must agree with what he's doing, for that would be wrong, but you need to be wise about when to talk to him about matters and be respectful in the way you do it. As your husband he is not to answer to you, so don't act in a way that makes him feel in submission to you. Never bad mouth him to others, it will just bring his self-esteem down, he'll feel like he's becoming less of a man and you will not have honored his name out in public like the Bible tells us wives to do. Our purpose in life is to be a helper to our husband (Gen. 2:18). Show him love even when he doesn't deserve it. Engage in things he likes so you'll have a chance to not only to spend time with him but you may also be able to win him over with you positive and willing attitude. And when it comes to your daughter, don't put daddy down to her even when he's a complete jerk. Show your husband respect through a loving daughter and loving family. If he has everything at home he shouldn't want to go anywhere else.

I believe the reason he started talking with an ex and you had an affair is that you are both looking for something that's missing. If he's being honest about not having an affair with her, then maybe he's just looking for a companion to listen and talk with. For you, I think you were looking for something more intimate like what you want your husband to provide. But who better for both of you to do these things with rather than the one you love.

Unless he's physically abusing you I would not reccommend separating. If you separated you would have less chances of ministering to him and showing him the love he so desperately needs.

Remember that if all your efforts fail it doesn't mean that you've failed. God has His timing and your husband will have his day of choosing which side he wants to be on. The only thing you can do is be there for him and bring God glory.

"Love bears all things."

P.S. Look into things that you can do to help you family, like WIC and Medicaid and maybe even foodstamps. I am pregnant and had to have an emergency removal of two of my wisdom teeth. I found a doctor locally who accepts Medicaid and got those teeth removed with no cost to me.

 

[shekaniah]

Prayers continue...

 

[Ariel82]

get your wisdom teeth removed

and

who is watching your daughter while her dad is high on drugs? how is her health?

keep your money out of his reach, express to the bank he is not allowed to use your card and cancel all credit cards unless they insure he will not be able to use them.

tell him its a test, does he love you or your money and remind him, he left you first by hooking up with his ex.

so all it proves is that you choose to stay with him but you could have chosen to leave him for another, so he should value you more and not less...

if he wants a say in the way money is spent, he should earn his own and be thankful for food, clothes and a roof over his head.

 

[Ariel82]

oh... it won't let me edit..... (not that adultery is good but since you forgave him, why is he unable to forgive you?0

 

[Powemm]

Rmember. The enemy comes to kill steal and destroy... He will use anyone and anything to attack.. Will do anything To try and take your focus off God..."cling to, rely on and trust what Gods word tells us to do in such times. PRAY! Remember the enemy wants you to do anything but that.
I learned a process called REED when I came under such attacks
Recognize what's happening
Express emotions to God
Evaluate gods word and action
Decide , your way or Gods way

Emotions during such times can be very deceiving in our responses
They are put in us as an alarm system to go off when we have bought into a lie
Keep a check on them regularly
Fear- shows up when we believe or have bought into a lie that someone or something is in more control than God
No one and no thing is in more control than He is.
His word tells us "I am the Lord thy Gid there will be no other Gods before Me

Stress of any kind- shows up when we believe or have begun buying into a lie that we do not ask for Gods help
His word tells us "you can do nothing without Me"

Anger- shows up when we believe or have begun to buy into the lie that we do not have to release mercy or forgive-
How many times does his word tell us to forgive? 70x's 7

Loneliness - shows up when we believe or have bought into the lie that someone or something can love us more than God can ...
His word tells us "I created you for
My enjoyment ". You are his precious daughter and he loves you more than anyone else can.

My heart goes out to you during this time - you are Gods precious daughter and he cares for you so.. Cast all these burdens on Him, and every tear you shed he bottles up.. Run to him and his word , His truth will illuminate and guide you in this valley
With God all things are possible .. Ask God First!
Praying for and with you across the miles
Michelle
His word tells us

 

[intercessorginger]

Dear Scream,
Well you are angry and frustrated and you certainly have reasons, unfortunately, as believers we must confront these feelings (justified or not) and find a way...through Christ....to forgive. Once you forgive all ( drugs, drug addictions, your own mistakes, his mistakes etc..etc.) then you will be able to hear from God and get direction. I know it seems too hard, and naturally it is too hard..but if you are willing to say the words "I want to obey you Lord, I want to forgive"..then God will help you the rest of the way.
What you need is to hear from him. IF you do this...you will.