Epidemic of childless and miserable 40+ men?
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I didn't really want to get involved in this thread, but I feel compelled to say a few things.
First of all, you should qualify what you mean by "men".
Are you referring to all "men" in general or to Christian "men"?
There's A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE between the two.
I got married as a Christian man, and I loved, spoke to, prayed for, and even sang to my children while they were still inside their mother's belly. After they were born, I not only cut all of their umbilical cords and named them, but I oftentimes told them that I wished that I could have carried them in my own belly in the sense that I loved (and still do) them so much that I wanted to have as deep of a bond with them as was humanly possible. More importantly, I've sought to teach them the ways of God throughout their entire lives, and to set the proper example for them myself. So, yes, there are some men reading this who love their children deeply, and I am most assuredly one of them.
As far as the whole older man/younger woman dynamic is concerned, after my ex-wife cheated on me repeatedly and then ultimately divorced me, I did enter into a 2 year and 2 month relationship with a woman who was 25 years younger than me. In fact, I just broke off that relationship mid-December of last year. In our particular case, money had absolutely nothing to do with our relationship. Instead, Jesus Christ had everything to do with it. Furthermore, my girlfriend repeatedly told me, without the slightest bit of coaching or coercing from me, that she did NOT see me as a "father figure", but instead she was tremendously happy that I was an older man because of LIFE EXPERIENCES. In other words, I wasn't just all talk, but, because of my age, I had lived through so many different circumstances that caused me to put my words into action, and she saw things in me or my character that she greatly coveted for herself or her own character.
Anyhow, going back to my original suggested distinction, a lot of the comments that I've read here in relation to "men" seem to apply to unregenerate "men", and NOT to true Christian men at all.
Just my two cents worth.
First of all, you should qualify what you mean by "men".
Are you referring to all "men" in general or to Christian "men"?
There's A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE between the two.
I got married as a Christian man, and I loved, spoke to, prayed for, and even sang to my children while they were still inside their mother's belly. After they were born, I not only cut all of their umbilical cords and named them, but I oftentimes told them that I wished that I could have carried them in my own belly in the sense that I loved (and still do) them so much that I wanted to have as deep of a bond with them as was humanly possible. More importantly, I've sought to teach them the ways of God throughout their entire lives, and to set the proper example for them myself. So, yes, there are some men reading this who love their children deeply, and I am most assuredly one of them.
As far as the whole older man/younger woman dynamic is concerned, after my ex-wife cheated on me repeatedly and then ultimately divorced me, I did enter into a 2 year and 2 month relationship with a woman who was 25 years younger than me. In fact, I just broke off that relationship mid-December of last year. In our particular case, money had absolutely nothing to do with our relationship. Instead, Jesus Christ had everything to do with it. Furthermore, my girlfriend repeatedly told me, without the slightest bit of coaching or coercing from me, that she did NOT see me as a "father figure", but instead she was tremendously happy that I was an older man because of LIFE EXPERIENCES. In other words, I wasn't just all talk, but, because of my age, I had lived through so many different circumstances that caused me to put my words into action, and she saw things in me or my character that she greatly coveted for herself or her own character.
Anyhow, going back to my original suggested distinction, a lot of the comments that I've read here in relation to "men" seem to apply to unregenerate "men", and NOT to true Christian men at all.
Just my two cents worth.
OK, I perused the entire thread, and far as I can tell, not one childless man 40+ has offered his thoughts. That is, until now. Yep, I am the real deal: age 57, never married, never been in a relationship and (obviously) no kids. So how I am doing? Quite well as a matter of fact! As a lifelong single I have settled into quite the groove and to be frank would not want it any different (at least at this stage in my life). Miserable? Uh, no!
For those wondering, no I do not live in my mothers basement and spend all my time playing video games. Rather, I am a well adjusted and stable adult whom is disciplined and responsible with is money and works a steady, full time job.
As for my lifelong single status? It's complicated...
First, starting as a late teen (and new believer) I went through a significant amount of personal trauma/family dysfunction that set back the development of my social skills. When most young people are growing into their social skin, I took significant steps back. So was pretty on the sidelines during my prime twenties and thirties dating years. Stayed at home. Never went out and met people. Lost track of the number of single group invites I turned down.
Yes, it is my fault, but I also do not think it fair to second guess decisions you might have made as a young person. For example, at the time I was going through some deeply rooted PTSD and social anxiety/avoidance issues, particulars I struggle with to this day but not to quite the same extent. Yes, as Christians we are called to compassion, but I also feel compassion is a two way street: compassion for others but towards yourself as well.
Second, I am also exactly what you would call attractive far as men are concerned. Short and homely. Not exactly the type of qualities that are going to endear you to women. Too often I have had women either make fun of my looks or openly marginalize me ('you are short'; 'you are unattractive'), which does not exactly help in the confidence department. Few women in which I have drawn attention are gold diggers, which does not exactly leave the most positive impression either.
So to sum up, yes I am a lifelong single over 40 with no kids, but am certainly not miserable. Yes, as Christian people we often face struggles and difficulties throughout life, but it is also not a license for misery.
James 1:2-4 sums things up: Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance
As does Hebrews 12:11: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
For those wondering, no I do not live in my mothers basement and spend all my time playing video games. Rather, I am a well adjusted and stable adult whom is disciplined and responsible with is money and works a steady, full time job.
As for my lifelong single status? It's complicated...
First, starting as a late teen (and new believer) I went through a significant amount of personal trauma/family dysfunction that set back the development of my social skills. When most young people are growing into their social skin, I took significant steps back. So was pretty on the sidelines during my prime twenties and thirties dating years. Stayed at home. Never went out and met people. Lost track of the number of single group invites I turned down.
Yes, it is my fault, but I also do not think it fair to second guess decisions you might have made as a young person. For example, at the time I was going through some deeply rooted PTSD and social anxiety/avoidance issues, particulars I struggle with to this day but not to quite the same extent. Yes, as Christians we are called to compassion, but I also feel compassion is a two way street: compassion for others but towards yourself as well.
Second, I am also exactly what you would call attractive far as men are concerned. Short and homely. Not exactly the type of qualities that are going to endear you to women. Too often I have had women either make fun of my looks or openly marginalize me ('you are short'; 'you are unattractive'), which does not exactly help in the confidence department. Few women in which I have drawn attention are gold diggers, which does not exactly leave the most positive impression either.
So to sum up, yes I am a lifelong single over 40 with no kids, but am certainly not miserable. Yes, as Christian people we often face struggles and difficulties throughout life, but it is also not a license for misery.
James 1:2-4 sums things up: Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance
As does Hebrews 12:11: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
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I corrected your spelling.
Basically, what I am referring to is the 'female glare of death' I often receive when meeting women for the first time, the type of look that says 'all I perceive is how unattractive you are, and I am not going to even consider the type of person you might be outside of that'.
In terms of answering your question, I have been 'looked down' by women in that regard in both secular (i.e. work) and church based settings. It is really sad, because scripture is pretty much straightforward:
... for I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).
Basically, what I am referring to is the 'female glare of death' I often receive when meeting women for the first time, the type of look that says 'all I perceive is how unattractive you are, and I am not going to even consider the type of person you might be outside of that'.
In terms of answering your question, I have been 'looked down' by women in that regard in both secular (i.e. work) and church based settings. It is really sad, because scripture is pretty much straightforward:
... for I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).
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Why is it sad? Would you marry someone whom you didnt find attractive?
Yes we are all fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. But the scripture also says, 1 Samuel 16:7 The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.
If the women you come across aren't interested in you, then that's their right. They comitted no sin. But if they were rude about it, or deliberately hurt your feelings then thats wrong.
Yes we are all fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God. But the scripture also says, 1 Samuel 16:7 The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.
If the women you come across aren't interested in you, then that's their right. They comitted no sin. But if they were rude about it, or deliberately hurt your feelings then thats wrong.
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Hold on. Wait a minute. Let's put on the brakes. You are misinterpreting the intention of my original post. That said, perhaps I could have better clarified things.
Please note that these are NOT single women I am encountering in a social setting such as church that are either not showing interest in or rejecting me as a result of my looks. So the marriage card is not on the table- this is not a matter about who we might or might not marry and why either way. Rather, these are church based settings in which I will show up to for the first time as a guest and encounter women who as a result of me being unattractive will give me the most possible critical laced with contempt based look. That is what I find sad.
Why? It comes down to who and what we should be as a Church Body. Romans 12:10 sums things up best:
"Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves"
Basically, I cannot fault the women in these situations; rather, it comes down to a matter of church leadership- or more specifically church leadership that is dragging its heals and not setting the example of Gods love that it should. It is church leadership that refuses to set a Biblical example and standard by insisting that each individual who walks through the church doors each Sunday morning is accepted regardless of their level of attractiveness, social skills, etc.
As Christian people, we should be devoted to one another and honor one another regardless of our levels of attractiveness.
Le's take a look at the two 'all's and the 'everyone':
'Let your gentleness be evident to all' - Philippians 4:5
'Show true humility to all men' - Titus 3:2
'Show proper respect to everyone' - I Peter 2:17
Basically, scripture is straightforward and too the point- we treat each person we encounter in life with gentleness, humility and respect. There is not a disclaimer that says, 'Oh, and by the way, if you are a woman and encounter an unattractive man, feel free to mistreat him all you want'
Further factoring the 'one another's sheds further light on the matter:
'Encourage one another daily' - Hebrews 3:13
'Serve one another in love' - Galatians 5:13
'Be kind and compassionate to one another' - Ephesians 4:32
'Accept one another, then just as Christ accepted us' - Romans 15:7
Add all things up - the 'all's', 'everyone' and the 'one another's' - there should be no open negativity among Christian people towards each other.
Best manner in which to sum up is that it comes down to character. What can you say about the character of a person that mistreats another person (or makes them feel uncomfortable) because of their looks, and not only shows no concern for the person but does not even realize they did anything wrong.
Please note that these are NOT single women I am encountering in a social setting such as church that are either not showing interest in or rejecting me as a result of my looks. So the marriage card is not on the table- this is not a matter about who we might or might not marry and why either way. Rather, these are church based settings in which I will show up to for the first time as a guest and encounter women who as a result of me being unattractive will give me the most possible critical laced with contempt based look. That is what I find sad.
Why? It comes down to who and what we should be as a Church Body. Romans 12:10 sums things up best:
"Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves"
Basically, I cannot fault the women in these situations; rather, it comes down to a matter of church leadership- or more specifically church leadership that is dragging its heals and not setting the example of Gods love that it should. It is church leadership that refuses to set a Biblical example and standard by insisting that each individual who walks through the church doors each Sunday morning is accepted regardless of their level of attractiveness, social skills, etc.
As Christian people, we should be devoted to one another and honor one another regardless of our levels of attractiveness.
Le's take a look at the two 'all's and the 'everyone':
'Let your gentleness be evident to all' - Philippians 4:5
'Show true humility to all men' - Titus 3:2
'Show proper respect to everyone' - I Peter 2:17
Basically, scripture is straightforward and too the point- we treat each person we encounter in life with gentleness, humility and respect. There is not a disclaimer that says, 'Oh, and by the way, if you are a woman and encounter an unattractive man, feel free to mistreat him all you want'
Further factoring the 'one another's sheds further light on the matter:
'Encourage one another daily' - Hebrews 3:13
'Serve one another in love' - Galatians 5:13
'Be kind and compassionate to one another' - Ephesians 4:32
'Accept one another, then just as Christ accepted us' - Romans 15:7
Add all things up - the 'all's', 'everyone' and the 'one another's' - there should be no open negativity among Christian people towards each other.
Best manner in which to sum up is that it comes down to character. What can you say about the character of a person that mistreats another person (or makes them feel uncomfortable) because of their looks, and not only shows no concern for the person but does not even realize they did anything wrong.
Did you forget what thread you were writing in? Please take a look at the title again.
Basically you were explaing the reason for you being single, is that not so?
Anyway, i completely agree with you that we should be good to each other. But im not understanding where that fits in with the theme of this thread.
Basically you were explaing the reason for you being single, is that not so?
Anyway, i completely agree with you that we should be good to each other. But im not understanding where that fits in with the theme of this thread.
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Yes, me too. Of course, money is NOT everything. BUT, generally a woman who is much younger is not going to marry a much older man, UNLESS money is involved. Statistically speaking the average age difference between married people is 2 to 5 years. So ... when we are talking 20, 30 years age difference (women OR man younger), we are talking MONEY/POWER. And power is usually equated with MONEY ... sadly in the USA and other Western Countries. I don't know what the situation is in the East. No harm meant by my comment.
To be honest, I am married, but I am sure if I were single, I would probably be interested in a man within 5 years of me for many reasons. One is not being a widow for years and years. If Iwere to marry a man 20+ years older, that is a guarantee.
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Our twisted society has designed
This shallow, low vibration perception.
We as believers, are supposed to step away from the world in all our perceptions. This starts with the person questioning the perceptions.
It is the reason we question
Its good to question
Because our difficulty can move from the trap of the world to the action
And liberation on the indivudual.
Now you see a specific problem
Surrender it to God! Personally
Privately, and keeo knocking on Gods door- he WILL change your perception
And give you peace
This shallow, low vibration perception.
We as believers, are supposed to step away from the world in all our perceptions. This starts with the person questioning the perceptions.
It is the reason we question
Its good to question
Because our difficulty can move from the trap of the world to the action
And liberation on the indivudual.
Now you see a specific problem
Surrender it to God! Personally
Privately, and keeo knocking on Gods door- he WILL change your perception
And give you peace
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It's why certain women often fall for bad guys. He might not have a job, he might be unsuccessful by the world's standards, but he knows what he does (whether crime or similar), and does it well. Many women like that.
Also, leading men in their fields - scientists, doctors, explorers, archaeologists etc. etc. They don't need to be rich, but they know their calling, and live it. It's a type of power.
Riches can also bestow a type of power, but if men don't know how to use them, they're not as attractive.
Also, leading men in their fields - scientists, doctors, explorers, archaeologists etc. etc. They don't need to be rich, but they know their calling, and live it. It's a type of power.
Riches can also bestow a type of power, but if men don't know how to use them, they're not as attractive.
K
My husband is only several years older than me, but I think there is something to why someone would marry someone older than them. I think we're at a point in life where people are looking for mature partners, as your gf had said.For instance I had a dinner date with a guy I had gone to church with. We had a nice evening together so I had thought. He wrote me an email the next day to inform me that we were "done". His reason was that he had been dating a woman, and he didn't think she would approve !! I informed him he wouldn't have been in my house had I known he was dating someone. smh He left that woman and took up with a pastors wife and they married. One day I got an email from him wanting to contact me. I ignored it and he sent another and another. I finally wrote him and told him I was married (which he knew) and he was married and neither partner would appreciate he and I communicating behind their backs. I told him I didn't want to hear from him again. I told my husband about the conversation. Then one morning I was in church and he was there without his wife. After the service I needed a ride home because my husband was sick and had stayed home. My parents attend the same church as we do. I saw this guy talking to my father, I was avoiding him, I didn't want to speak to him. But I heard him say to my father that he was willing to drive me home. My mother came to me and I said "I will not go anywhere alone with that man!! I will stay here at the church until my husband comes to get me." My parents ended up taking me home. Again I told my husband and he thanked me for not going in a car with this guy who apparently doesn't understand the word no. My husband was ready to go to his place of business and have a talk. I told him I would handle it. The guy hasn't tried to contact me since. Hopefully he got the message.
I said all that to say this, usually older men have different values. Not a blanket statement here. Just that younger men to me seemed to play head games. They weren't ready to settle down. These were young men were Christians, or so called. My husband, a few yrs older as I said, seemed stable, mature, comfortable in his own manhood, not always trying to prove he's a man. You usually don't find that in younger men. I wouldn't mind dating someone several yrs. older when I was single. Just a matter of opinion. Had nothing at all to do with money.
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There is an active thread in the Singles Forum discussing this very topic: https://christianchat.com/christian...ow-do-you-cope-with-these-assumptions.197286/
The men you described above would probably be younger guys. Full of confidence and macho. Well yes, they do have women who get involved with them. Even some of the most infamous men behind bars have women who send them fan mail. But i wasnt referring to these sceanarios.
Leading men in their field have prestige and money- unless some misfortune had occured to make them not have money. But generally speaking, if someone is the leading person in their field of work they will have money, even if they arent rich.
Well regardless of that he still has a better chance of attracting a younger woman than one who doesnt have money. On TV Ive seen some famous cases of women marrying old men who could be their grandfathers. Do you think if these old men didnt have money they would marry them?
Older men, whether they are rich or poor or in between they can definitely find women who will want them. But the trouble in life is that some older men dont want the women who are similar age as themselves. They want younger women. And thats fine, if they can afford to.
A younger woman is not going to marry and have children with an older man and then turn around and she become the bread winner because her older man does not have any money. Thats what will happen because he will retire before she does and before the child/children he has with her are out of school. So the younger woman will be the bread winner. A Younger woman whould rather marry a man her own age than get involved with that situation. Even if She and her husband are struggling finacially, they are young and strong they can work and pool their resources together. They will see their children through school together, unlike the older man and younger woman pair.
Leading men in their field have prestige and money- unless some misfortune had occured to make them not have money. But generally speaking, if someone is the leading person in their field of work they will have money, even if they arent rich.
Well regardless of that he still has a better chance of attracting a younger woman than one who doesnt have money. On TV Ive seen some famous cases of women marrying old men who could be their grandfathers. Do you think if these old men didnt have money they would marry them?
Older men, whether they are rich or poor or in between they can definitely find women who will want them. But the trouble in life is that some older men dont want the women who are similar age as themselves. They want younger women. And thats fine, if they can afford to.
A younger woman is not going to marry and have children with an older man and then turn around and she become the bread winner because her older man does not have any money. Thats what will happen because he will retire before she does and before the child/children he has with her are out of school. So the younger woman will be the bread winner. A Younger woman whould rather marry a man her own age than get involved with that situation. Even if She and her husband are struggling finacially, they are young and strong they can work and pool their resources together. They will see their children through school together, unlike the older man and younger woman pair.