Single Men It's Time to Step Up!

[agirlandherguitar]

I know this is a complicated and touchy subject for all of us, so think clearly before you respond. The title of this post was taken from the following article.

The first post I wrote just now (and promptly deleted after a change of heart) complained bitterly about the passivity of men in the Christian community. I had written a similar post a few years ago regarding single men and their lacklustre approach towards single women, leaning heavily on my own frustrating experiences with men who always admired from afar but were too chicken to actually approach me. I'm not gonna be easy... and no woman who is worth it is gonna be easy for you, stallion.

In my experience beautiful Christ-centred women (I know many!) are sitting there waiting for a Christ-centred man to approach them, to make a move, to be a leader, to fight... and yet there they sit waiting and waiting and the men don't come. Why is this happening? Where are you guys?

But there are two sides to every story and I'm trying to do some fair research on the topic after an older woman approached me and incredulously asked me why I wasn't married and the best answer I could muster up was, "I guess I just haven't met him yet", which sits on my chest heavily laden with spiritual concern for the men in our church. I have my own issues to deal with, as all women do, so I'm not going to blame men entirely for my own experience. But I don't want to make this post about me.

The article I linked is a good first glimpse inside this matter. If you feel that it's a TLDR (Too Long Didn't Read) type of deal then allow me to highlight some of, what I feel, are the best points made:

Women still want men to lead them. This means being an initiator of the relationship. Don't give us that "it's the 21st Century" spiel. WE. WANT. YOU. TO. LEAD.

Men are not preparing themselves to be the men they should be. That means morally, financially, spiritually and relationally.

It is okay to ask God for a wife! My favourite part of this article is this: Spiritual development also involves the building of a prayer life. Speaking of which, it is surprising how few men actually ask God for a wife. Of all things, why would we leave this matter off our prayer list? Perhaps some would argue that it is unspiritual to pray about such a thing, that if God intends us to be married we should disengage from the process and allow Him to override our neutrality. Being neutral is fine if it means surrender and waiting by faith on God's answer (which, by the way, first demands that a request be made), but it is not fine if it implies apathy or cowardice.

The key words here are apathy and cowardice. Does this sound like you or somebody you know?

Lastly, this life is a journey. Take a risk, trust in God, surround yourself with other Christians and meet single women, befriend us and don't be afraid of us! If you want to be loved then you must first love. Ask yourself this: If you believe God has already met you in the depths of your soul then what have you got to lose? Open your hearts, gents. We are waiting for you and we love you!

 

[maxwel]

I know this is a complicated and touchy subject for all of us, so think clearly before you respond. The title of this post was taken from the following article.

The first post I wrote just now (and promptly deleted after a change of heart) complained bitterly about the passivity of men in the Christian community. I had written a similar post a few years ago regarding single men and their lacklustre approach towards single women, leaning heavily on my own frustrating experiences with men who always admired from afar but were too chicken to actually approach me. I'm not gonna be easy... and no woman who is worth it is gonna be easy for you, stallion.

In my experience beautiful Christ-centred women (I know many!) are sitting there waiting for a Christ-centred man to approach them, to make a move, to be a leader, to fight... and yet there they sit waiting and waiting and the men don't come. Why is this happening? Where are you guys?

But there are two sides to every story and I'm trying to do some fair research on the topic after an older woman approached me and incredulously asked me why I wasn't married and the best answer I could muster up was, "I guess I just haven't met him yet", which sits on my chest heavily laden with spiritual concern for the men in our church. I have my own issues to deal with, as all women do, so I'm not going to blame men entirely for my own experience. But I don't want to make this post about me.

The article I linked is a good first glimpse inside this matter. If you feel that it's a TLDR (Too Long Didn't Read) type of deal then allow me to highlight some of, what I feel, are the best points made:

Women still want men to lead them. This means being an initiator of the relationship. Don't give us that "it's the 21st Century" spiel. WE. WANT. YOU. TO. LEAD.

Men are not preparing themselves to be the men they should be. That means morally, financially, spiritually and relationally.

It is okay to ask God for a wife! My favourite part of this article is this: Spiritual development also involves the building of a prayer life. Speaking of which, it is surprising how few men actually ask God for a wife. Of all things, why would we leave this matter off our prayer list? Perhaps some would argue that it is unspiritual to pray about such a thing, that if God intends us to be married we should disengage from the process and allow Him to override our neutrality. Being neutral is fine if it means surrender and waiting by faith on God's answer (which, by the way, first demands that a request be made), but it is not fine if it implies apathy or cowardice.

The key words here are apathy and cowardice. Does this sound like you or somebody you know?

Lastly, this life is a journey. Take a risk, trust in God, surround yourself with other Christians and meet single women, befriend us and don't be afraid of us! If you want to be loved then you must first love. Ask yourself this: If you believe God has already met you in the depths of your soul then what have you got to lose? Open your hearts, gents. We are waiting for you and we love you!

Apathy and cowardice?
Ouch, lol.
: )

Well, if I want to talk to a girl, I talk to her.
I can't account for what other guys do.

But I think you just kicked the first pebble of an ensuing avalanche of guys telling you everything wrong with 21st century Christian women, and why they have trouble approaching them.

 

[agirlandherguitar]

Hopefully we can work together on this. This is a more internal issue for men and if the best answers are, "well it's the women of this century who are to blame" then all that does is takes us back to the garden where Adam was quick to blame Eve for his own sin.

 

[1still_waters]

I think many Christian men felt like they were getting mixed confusing signals from what they perceive as the female collective voice.
(Yes I know all women don't speak the same thing.)
We heard these mantras the most...

"Treat us like equals."
"We're all the same."
"Why do we need gender specific roles."

I think out of a desire to be sensitive to what we perceived as the collective desires of women, we basically said..

"Hmmm ok. Since we're all the same, equal, and our genders aren't specific, I don't need to initiate, lead, or do anything male specific. I respect and hear you sisters. I'll play along."

So the things specific to the male role diminished.

Because of the diminishing, now we perceive a shift in the collective female voice.
Now we hear....."Hey you need to lead, initiate, etc. etc. etc. ."

Yes women don't speak as a collective.
Yes each woman is unique.
Regardless, you get enough women together saying the same thing, it starts to sound like something all women want.
So when enough of them start saying things about equality, and non-gender specific roles, well men start to perceive that as something women want. Out of respect we honor it. But then the honoring gets interpreted as them being wimps, and not stepping up.

Hmm I wonder why men are confused?

What's the solution?

Men, quit listening to the voices and ideas that originate from non-Christian based ideas and agendas.
Our Bible says the genders are specific, and that there are distinct roles, to some extent.
Listen to that and tune out all the other voices.

Problem solved.

 

[Fenner]

It's so nice to see you posting again agirlandherguitar!

 

[Mitspa]

That part of man that seeks to conquer women is not always from God, in fact I would say if you meet a very aggressive man...you better be carful and test what he is really after.... Just my thoughts as a (Godly) Man

 

[1still_waters]

Women, there is something in Christian men that seeks to serve and meet your desires.
As a husband, our job will be to love you as Christ loved the church.
He served and died for them.

Eph 5


25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church [q]in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body.

If we hear women saying things against gender specific roles, guess what?
That part of us which longs to serve you, is going to serve you that thing we think you desire.

Women, please be careful how you talk about "equality".
Be careful when you speak negatively of things that are unique to men.
We may just hear you, and out of a desire to serve you, you may be served those desires you expressed.

 

[christian74]

Good article - concentrating first on being or becoming the right person, then on finding the right person.
Thanks for reminding.

 

[Nicee]

Welcome back. I miss you.

 

[Human]

I know this is a complicated and touchy subject for all of us, so think clearly before you respond. The title of this post was taken from the following article.

The first post I wrote just now (and promptly deleted after a change of heart) complained bitterly about the passivity of men in the Christian community. I had written a similar post a few years ago regarding single men and their lacklustre approach towards single women, leaning heavily on my own frustrating experiences with men who always admired from afar but were too chicken to actually approach me. I'm not gonna be easy... and no woman who is worth it is gonna be easy for you, stallion.

There's really no point in complaining about mens' lack of directness in approaching you. If you want a man, make it apparent. Or here's a novel thought; approach him first. There's no hard-fast rule that says men have to be instigators in romance.

In my experience beautiful Christ-centred women (I know many!) are sitting there waiting for a Christ-centred man to approach them, to make a move, to be a leader, to fight... and yet there they sit waiting and waiting and the men don't come. Why is this happening? Where are you guys?

Why should any sane, rational human being 'fight' to 'get' a woman? There's nothing to 'get', except for when the idea arises that women should be placed on some pedestal, which you seem to propagate. Really, there isn't a prize to be won, nor is there a singular defining moment of worthiness a man should ever strive to reach in order that he be able to 'get' a woman. The truth is, if a man spends his time trying to live up to a woman, to somehow 'gain' her acceptance, he will always be living up to her and trying to gain her acceptance, and that's no way to be. There's no room in real relationships for either party to have an inferiority complex or a destructive (and it is destructive) sense of superiority. Any guys reading this; don't bother trying to 'win' her. Be what you are, and you can be sure that what you are is more than sufficient on any cosmic standard of merit. If what you already are isn't good enough for her, then trust me fellas - she isn't enough for you.

But there are two sides to every story and I'm trying to do some fair research on the topic after an older woman approached me and incredulously asked me why I wasn't married and the best answer I could muster up was, "I guess I just haven't met him yet", which sits on my chest heavily laden with spiritual concern for the men in our church. I have my own issues to deal with, as all women do, so I'm not going to blame men entirely for my own experience. But I don't want to make this post about me.

Again, I don't see how men are solely to blame for your current marital status.

The article I linked is a good first glimpse inside this matter. If you feel that it's a TLDR (Too Long Didn't Read) type of deal then allow me to highlight some of, what I feel, are the best points made:

Women still want men to lead them. This means being an initiator of the relationship. Don't give us that "it's the 21st Century" spiel. WE. WANT. YOU. TO. LEAD.

You, not all women, want someone to lead, or apparently you do. Yet, you give off the signal that you are unwilling to let any man truly and freely lead because you subversively suggest he must strive for your acceptance. Striving to impress a woman above and beyond what is your normal character is setting yourself up for lifelong disappointment. If a woman does not accept me as I am, within the bounds of the character and personality I portray in my daily life, I certainly will not change my character in order to persuade her differently. I'm me, and that's that.

Men are not preparing themselves to be the men they should be. That means morally, financially, spiritually and relationally.

Really? All men? Some men? White men? Black men? Any more generalizations you'd like to make?

It is okay to ask God for a wife! My favourite part of this article is this: Spiritual development also involves the building of a prayer life. Speaking of which, it is surprising how few men actually ask God for a wife. Of all things, why would we leave this matter off our prayer list? Perhaps some would argue that it is unspiritual to pray about such a thing, that if God intends us to be married we should disengage from the process and allow Him to override our neutrality. Being neutral is fine if it means surrender and waiting by faith on God's answer (which, by the way, first demands that a request be made), but it is not fine if it implies apathy or cowardice.

The key words here are apathy and cowardice. Does this sound like you or somebody you know?

I might understand why some men feel apathy towards some women. However, just because a man doesn't approach you, is not to say all the men who 'coulda, shoulda, woulda' are apathetic cowards.

Lastly, this life is a journey. Take a risk, trust in God, surround yourself with other Christians and meet single women, befriend us and don't be afraid of us! If you want to be loved then you must first love. Ask yourself this: If you believe God has already met you in the depths of your soul then what have you got to lose? Open your hearts, gents. We are waiting for you and we love you!

This whole post is very short sighted.

 

[Siberian_Khatru]

Take a risk...Open your hearts, gents.

Nevah! I take my risks alone.

(Responding more seriously now.)

This is fair enough. Some good points were made, some are questionable. I agree with the comment on the lacklustre approach. Fear should be submitted to when it pertains to Him, while fear in relation to our insecurities is something to be conquered, including approaching [Godly] women. The common ground is there, after all, it merely needs a foundation set upon it.

 

[Mo0448]

I know this is a complicated and touchy subject for all of us, so think clearly before you respond. The title of this post was taken from the following article.

The first post I wrote just now (and promptly deleted after a change of heart) complained bitterly about the passivity of men in the Christian community. I had written a similar post a few years ago regarding single men and their lacklustre approach towards single women, leaning heavily on my own frustrating experiences with men who always admired from afar but were too chicken to actually approach me. I'm not gonna be easy... and no woman who is worth it is gonna be easy for you, stallion.

In my experience beautiful Christ-centred women (I know many!) are sitting there waiting for a Christ-centred man to approach them, to make a move, to be a leader, to fight... and yet there they sit waiting and waiting and the men don't come. Why is this happening? Where are you guys?

But there are two sides to every story and I'm trying to do some fair research on the topic after an older woman approached me and incredulously asked me why I wasn't married and the best answer I could muster up was, "I guess I just haven't met him yet", which sits on my chest heavily laden with spiritual concern for the men in our church. I have my own issues to deal with, as all women do, so I'm not going to blame men entirely for my own experience. But I don't want to make this post about me.

The article I linked is a good first glimpse inside this matter. If you feel that it's a TLDR (Too Long Didn't Read) type of deal then allow me to highlight some of, what I feel, are the best points made:

Women still want men to lead them. This means being an initiator of the relationship. Don't give us that "it's the 21st Century" spiel. WE. WANT. YOU. TO. LEAD.

Men are not preparing themselves to be the men they should be. That means morally, financially, spiritually and relationally.

It is okay to ask God for a wife! My favourite part of this article is this: Spiritual development also involves the building of a prayer life. Speaking of which, it is surprising how few men actually ask God for a wife. Of all things, why would we leave this matter off our prayer list? Perhaps some would argue that it is unspiritual to pray about such a thing, that if God intends us to be married we should disengage from the process and allow Him to override our neutrality. Being neutral is fine if it means surrender and waiting by faith on God's answer (which, by the way, first demands that a request be made), but it is not fine if it implies apathy or cowardice.

The key words here are apathy and cowardice. Does this sound like you or somebody you know?

Lastly, this life is a journey. Take a risk, trust in God, surround yourself with other Christians and meet single women, befriend us and don't be afraid of us! If you want to be loved then you must first love. Ask yourself this: If you believe God has already met you in the depths of your soul then what have you got to lose? Open your hearts, gents. We are waiting for you and we love you!

You make some good points...here's where I put my 2 cents in...

I tend to over-analyze things (being a biochemist I have a more analytical mindset) and place things/barriers in the way (like distance, differences, circumstances, etc) instead of taking a chance. You're right though a lot of people need to step it up!

Now my question is are you making this a general statement about the circumstances where you live, or are you saying Guys HERE IN CC need to man up and take a chance?

Just Curious!

In Christ,

Mo

 

[Lynx]

Well I can't speak for all the guys here, but as for me personally... all the girls I know around here that I might want to marry are already married. All the girls I know around here that aren't married, there's a reason they're not married. If a new person starts working where I work, or if a new person starts going to my church, or if I happen to meet someone at the supermarket that I've never met before, well that situation might change. But for now there is nothing for me to step up to, so I'm not stepping up.

By the way, you mentioned fighting. What are we fighting for? What are we fighting against? Why do we have to fight for a woman? What would you have us do, breakdance to prove our agility? Lift heavy objects to prove our strength?

 

[Mo0448]

Well I can't speak for all the guys here, but as for me personally... all the girls I know around here that I might want to marry are already married. All the girls I know around here that aren't married, there's a reason they're not married. If a new person starts working where I work, or if a new person starts going to my church, or if I happen to meet someone at the supermarket that I've never met before, well that situation might change. But for now there is nothing for me to step up to, so I'm not stepping up.

By the way, you mentioned fighting. What are we fighting for? What are we fighting against? Why do we have to fight for a woman? What would you have us do, breakdance to prove our agility? Lift heavy objects to prove our strength?

I challenge you to a breakdance off in parachute pants!

 

[Lynx]

No thanks. We felines are much to dignified to do that. Or wear that.

 

[Yahshua]

Interestingly enough, for me the closer I get to God (growing in my spiritual walk) the less desire I have to marry. Almost like Paul, to me marriage feels more and more like a distraction (or headache?? said with love and without condemnation to womankind), as if I would have to split my focus between my wife and God. Whereas when I feel I'm getting farther away from God, becoming more worldly, my desire for a wife returns.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34

32 But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided...

I don't know how other single Christian men also feel, but this is my internal struggle; a tug of war within me. The more I become a Godly man; the more I become (what it seems) a Godly woman would want me to be, the farther away from this world I get and the less I desire a wife...my life fulfilled because I've found true love. But then as I fall back into the world the opposite becomes true for me; I become lonely and desire a wife for companionship, which is also a problem because I'm now less of a Godly man.

Additionally, while the women of this century aren't to blame, generally speaking (and noting that there are always exceptions) this generation doesn't really help tilt my decision in favor of marriage, making the life highly undesirable.

So I'm always torn. Truly it's an internal wrestling match.

For me it's definitely not cowardice...but maybe apathy (i.e. "lack of interest") does apply based on these points.

 

[Agricola]

In my experience beautiful Christ-centred women (I know many!) are sitting there waiting for a Christ-centred man to approach them, to make a move, to be a leader, to fight... and yet there they sit waiting and waiting and the men don't come. Why is this happening? Where are you guys?

But there are two sides to every story ,....

Here is my side of the story. I have lost count the number of women, beautiful and not so beautiful women who I have gone up to and tried to engage them in conversation, but they all say the same when they realise I am single, "sorry no thanks".

All the women who reject me and that is just about every woman I know, is basically shallow and too hung up on worldly view of a perfect husband, or they are waiting for someone who is same as Christ.

SO there may well be a line of women sitting there waiting thinking "Where are you guys?" But that should really be "Where are all the handsome sexy Christian Guys?".

I know I would make a brilliant husband, I loved my ex wife unconditionally, I hate being single, I want to have a woman whom I can love and enjoy life with and grow spiritually together with God in center of it all, but I am not that attractive to look at, especailly as age and time is taking its toll, so even the women God has sent me and shown me would make a good wife, all exercise free will and decide that they can find someone better looking than me.

 

[secularhermit]

Here, sometime ago someone said on a thread: "Put on your pants, men... Stop crying..."

Later on I read a secular men said: "It is not the one who wants, but the ones who can" and it is quite balanced.

Leadership implies a lot a thing no one likes to follow unless it is convenient or easy. For example, when Jesus invited someone to follow Him He said to him: "Go sell your stuff and follow me" (No doubt Jesus was a perfect leader, because He adjusted His lift 1st to ask others the things He was doing) and that rich man said "no" and Jesus acknowledged he was too rich to leave his things behind.

Similarly, a king (a leader) invited his guest to go to a party. One said: "I bought a piece of land... Excuse me for not going". Another said: "I bought oxens... I want to try them" and, probably the younger one said: "I recently married..." and none was willing go after THEIR LEADER. Who were eager to follow their lieader and the party a king was offering? Those who had nothing!

Those who want to love are like birds. These aren't like hummingbirds kissing each flower they might encounter, they follow the one they have chosen and, those who certainly follow their "leader" are those who have nothing and those who gave all they had to be loved, following Jesus 1st. It not that one is handsome or richer than the other, it's just that they obeyed God 1st and stopped challenging "hummingbirds" who loved to kiss each flower they encountered any garden: Love is a blessing and also a miracle.

 

[Human]

Here is my side of the story. I have lost count the number of women, beautiful and not so beautiful women who I have gone up to and tried to engage them in conversation, but they all say the same when they realise I am single, "sorry no thanks".

All the women who reject me and that is just about every woman I know, is basically shallow and too hung up on worldly view of a perfect husband, or they are waiting for someone who is same as Christ.

SO there may well be a line of women sitting there waiting thinking "Where are you guys?" But that should really be "Where are all the handsome sexy Christian Guys?".

I know I would make a brilliant husband, I loved my ex wife unconditionally, I hate being single, I want to have a woman whom I can love and enjoy life with and grow spiritually together with God in center of it all, but I am not that attractive to look at, especailly as age and time is taking its toll, so even the women God has sent me and shown me would make a good wife, all exercise free will and decide that they can find someone better looking than me.

Which is essentially why I find the OP's post short-sighted. It's easy for a woman, particularly a Christian woman who tends to hear that she should 'submit' and think she should 'be led', to say 'men have to do the groundwork and take charge'. How does the OP propose a fellow like yourself 'take charge', when the women you approach and put yourself out to essentially reject your attempts to 'take charge' or 'lead them' on the back of a face-value judgement?

I see no reason why men should bear the brunt of rejection while women in Christian circles get away emotionally unscathed by romantic approach.

As far as I am aware, this wasn't a problem for men in Jesus' day, since getting a wife was as simple as asking her father and paying him a dowry. The advent of our modern semblance of parity of the sexes necessitates a shift in direction from males being the sole instigators in romantic affairs towards a custom where women are as apt and ready to instigate as men.

Outside Christianity, of course women do approach men much more often than within it. This seems to be primarily a religious problem.

 

[Tintin]

Let me just say the Christian world is screwed up. Many women say they want godly men and leaders and in the same breath pursue non-Christian guys who may or may not treat them like crap (but at least they're adventurous). You almost have to apologise for being a guy in the Church these days. There are less and less godly role models around and there's a lot of confusion amongst young men what it means to be a godly man. I think Still is onto something with a few of his posts here. The Church has pretty much emasculated young men and the results are passive, confused, insecure men of God. There needs to be more discipleship in the Church, that and mentoring.