A question for those who are or have been married

[Lanolin]

Hi Lanolin! 👋 My parents have never pressured me to get married, so I don't think that's it. I've always been a bit of a hopeless romantic, but I'm pretty realistic too. I accept that God might truly want me to stay single and if so I can be obedient to that, but I can't honestly say it's what I would have chosen. He does know best though, and I realize I can be a bit feisty and independent (it's a farmer thing lol), so I might be terrible at being a wife if I tried it, who knows? 🤷‍♀️

Mostly my reason for starting this thread was to understand better how others were able to feel confident in such a big decision. I have always wondered what confidence like that would look or feel like, so I thought I'd get perspectives from those with actual experience.

yea its a big decision but then if ever asked the question a lot of women dont want to say no after being picked right.

I know one guy who said he just hounded his wife until she gave in.
A lot of people just expect it after getting physical like ok lets move in the next day since we cant bear to be apart. For most its actually not romantic but more like I hate you one day and then really like you the next. ?!

 

[Lanolin]

For me....
I have a lot of "tokens". Meaning I can do a LOT of things that some women find attractive. I'm older for one and fairly healthy at the same time. You wouldn't believe the number of guys my age with diabetes and/or high blood pressure. Then I don't have any serious vices like porn, gambling, chemical dependency or anger management.
No felony criminal records either.

These things right there beat out 70% of my peers.
As a seriously dedicated Christian that elevates my status to almost unicorn level. I'm a myth that doesn't exist. Add in my education level and I'm a legend.

I'm so off the charts that most women don't believe that I exist...they dont even wish for a guy like me....but I've ALWAYS had a thing for the smart girls. (Masters level or better education)

So....
When my wife demonstrated to me that she knew me, understood my motivations, instead of the many tokens I have surrounding me...and decided she really liked who I was and not so much the things I do or know how to do....
I fell in love.

She wasn't actually sure that she believed I really was a fully trained fine dining chef. (I didn't cook fancy around her for a while) But when I baked and decorated our 4 tier Brides cake for our wedding....she knew it then. (It was at least a $3k cake) they ate all of it....we barely got away with our topper. (Italian buttercream is not exactly common...even in bakeries)

But that was how I knew....she knew me, the guy beyond all my talents who was a very dedicated Christian man that loved God more than I was ever going to love her. And she wanted to come along for the ride. She has never "needed" me to make her life livable....didn't need me to pay her bills or protect her from her past or other guys. She just wanted to live with me and be there for the journey. To help by getting in where she fit in.

And she does it wonderfully. Beyond my wildest expectations. She has her own bag of talents she brings to the table. Together we seem almost magic at times. We definitely are more than the sum of our parts. (I think God has something to do with that)

My wife is my best friend and confidante. So glad she is there.

did you say you were married 3 times what about the other 2? Just wondering or was it the same kind of thing with them as well or very different.

 

[JohnDB]

did you say you were married 3 times what about the other 2? Just wondering or was it the same kind of thing with them as well or very different.

Very different.

I have bad habits such as a penchant for the "smart girls" and overly tolerant of narcissistic behaviors. Which are VERY bad habits to have together. Most guys like the less smart girls so that they can get away with things. I'm not really looking to get away with anything so I'd rather have a companion than a partner....but I originally thought I wanted a partner. Ignored a LOT of their red flags. (Figured them out later after talking with those who actually knew what they were talking about)

I'm an imitation "bad boy". Meaning I like to appear as a jerk without really being one. Which usually makes the smart girls run far far away....they are smart enough to know that they want nothing to do with me.

(We all shoot ourselves in the foot. What caliper of bullet used is usually the determining factor of success or failure)

And I happened to get lucky one day without any ammunition for my howitzer available.

All in all, I'd have to say that God has directed my path in some rather unpopular ways. Like denying success, extending extreme grace but making me pay for my sins at the same time double what most people pay.

But...
I'd have to say that the journey itself is the interesting part and not so much the destination. But if the destination is only a way point in the journey....then you might be on the right path. Kinda like how preparing for Christmas is much more fun and fond memory making than the actual day itself.

 

[Lanolin]

Very different.

I have bad habits such as a penchant for the "smart girls" and overly tolerant of narcissistic behaviors. Which are VERY bad habits to have together. Most guys like the less smart girls so that they can get away with things. I'm not really looking to get away with anything so I'd rather have a companion than a partner....but I originally thought I wanted a partner. Ignored a LOT of their red flags. (Figured them out later after talking with those who actually knew what they were talking about)

I'm an imitation "bad boy". Meaning I like to appear as a jerk without really being one. Which usually makes the smart girls run far far away....they are smart enough to know that they want nothing to do with me.

(We all shoot ourselves in the foot. What caliper of bullet used is usually the determining factor of success or failure)

And I happened to get lucky one day without any ammunition for my howitzer available.

All in all, I'd have to say that God has directed my path in some rather unpopular ways. Like denying success, extending extreme grace but making me pay for my sins at the same time double what most people pay.

But...
I'd have to say that the journey itself is the interesting part and not so much the destination. But if the destination is only a way point in the journey....then you might be on the right path. Kinda like how preparing for Christmas is much more fun and fond memory making than the actual day itself.

hmm interesting

when people say partner I wonder exactly what kind of partner, like a partner in crime, or a dance partner, or just someone they can hold hands with, or show off that they have someone, or is it they want to pay the rent and is easier sharing a bedroom.

Many student marriages happened because it was easier to then get a student allowance or what tended to happen was the girl got knocked up and so the inevitable thing was to just make an honest woman of her. Ive just been reading a memoir of someone whos first hubby was a surgeon and she had a masters degree in literature. He was so insecure that he didnt want her to complete her degree and become a Dr before him. Then later she was writing away and he didnt care for her writing, but she was expected to support him in all his medical conferences etc. I dont know how a marriage like that can work if you just expected to look pretty or you just really like being a doctors wife and do all the secretary work. But the thing they did wrong was get knocked up first.

Her problem seems to be she wanted more and to use her brain, and he dismissed all her efforts of being a good housewife as JUST housewife. She eventually took off with another poet who had already been married and divorced twice! Im like huh.

Then she wrote a satrical novel about the dramas of being a wealthy housewife. I mean they never had to worry about money really to the extent ordinary people do, but he was worried about promotion in medicine. Apparently theres a lot of bullying and strict heirarchy involved in medicine. Doctors should marry each other cos they both understand it, I had a classmate whos parents were BOTH doctors and work in the same practice, unfortunately, doctors spend all their time doctoring and being clever, She had everything, family trips overseas, clothes, computer, education, car etc all handed to her but I recall she was unhappy about all the expectations. I dont know why she was hanging out with me lol. Everyone at school knew she was the doctors daughter and assumed she was rich so why was she going to a state school or slumming it..

anyway, Im sure shes doing well for herself since she went of to uni that her parents paid for and has those connections and is naturally gifted and priveliged. I havent thought about her for a while and wonder if she ever married a lawyer or doctor or became a success like we all expected her to. I recall she constantly worried about her appearance and clothing choices. Most ordinary teens didnt care so much we just wore what we could afford.

 

[Snackersmom]

I'm an imitation "bad boy". Meaning I like to appear as a jerk without really being one. Which usually makes the smart girls run far far away....they are smart enough to know that they want nothing to do with me.

You remind me of someone I know in real life, he presents as a bad boy but I'm well aware that he isn't. He seems to want the right kind of girl, but attract the wrong kind. He has a lot of skills and "tokens" too. Interesting.

when people say partner I wonder exactly what kind of partner, like a partner in crime, or a dance partner, or just someone they can hold hands with, or show off that they have someone,

Yes I am wondering about that too Mr. DB. Can you elaborate on the difference between a partner and a companion? 🤔

 

[JohnDB]

You remind me of someone I know in real life, he presents as a bad boy but I'm well aware that he isn't. He seems to want the right kind of girl, but attract the wrong kind. He has a lot of skills and "tokens" too. Interesting.



Yes I am wondering about that too Mr. DB. Can you elaborate on the difference between a partner and a companion? 🤔

A partner lives with you and shares expenses and romantic moments. Each has their own set of goals and together the thing mostly works. But eventually those separate goals do end up competing with each other and the marriage/partnership ends.

A companion is your friend and looks for ways to assist you in your passions...and even likes your passions and wants to accomplish those things as well. There is no competition except for who can out demonstrate the other in their love for the other. Love is the only good competition to have. There is no 50/50 split of anything....it's always 100/100. We live or die, succeed or fail together in all things.

 

[Lanolin]

Wouldnt a business partner want the same thing though..if you went into business together. Then if you didnt want to do business with them anymore, you would just agree to be apart. And become apartners? And live in apartments.

I also wondered what co-parents are, are they different from just plain parents?

 

[Lanolin]

Hmm I dont understand the 50:50 thing. Is it when someone say oh lets go out for a meal and then expects the bill to be split. Even if you maybe didnt eat as much or didnt have as much money. I suppose that works better for the person who has more?

Maybe you dont drink but you actually end up subisdising that persons expensive tipple.

Instead of holding hands you just shake each others hands right? Its a deal.

Apparently partner is a term lgtbq couples use. Ive always found it to be ambiguous and not sure what the real nature of it was.

Why cant people just be friends? What is so wrong with friends.

 

[Snackersmom]

There is no competition except for who can out demonstrate the other in their love for the other. Love is the only good competition to have. There is no 50/50 split of anything....it's always 100/100. We live or die, succeed or fail together in all things.

Thank you for the explanation, that sounds really sweet..... like the way it should be 🙂.

I'm curious about one other thing you mentioned, how you had a tendency to shoot yourself in the foot when it came to love....but then your lady showed up when no ammo was available. Care to elaborate? I think I'm a bit of a foot-shooter myself, and I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do about it 😆.

 

[JohnDB]

Thank you for the explanation, that sounds really sweet..... like the way it should be 🙂.

I'm curious about one other thing you mentioned, how you had a tendency to shoot yourself in the foot when it came to love....but then your lady showed up when no ammo was available. Care to elaborate? I think I'm a bit of a foot-shooter myself, and I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do about it 😆.

Not much can be done...

We ALL have bad habits. We can't seem to break them either. And at times we find ourselves going down a path and even though we tell ourselves to stop...we can't seem to turn around and go the other way.
If I could've slowed myself down when I met my wife I likely would have...and regretted it later. But nooooo, used the full court press and kept at it. Didn't use tokens though....just was me. But I can tell some stories.

Ahhh heck....I'm happy and it all turned out wonderfully. But to this day I really don't understand why. I should have failed again. But by providence I haven't.

I knew a young lady that was typical clueless that a young man liked her. So I ratted him out. But her bad habit was the silent treatment to the point the guy thought that he was invisible to her. (She did me the same way at one point until she found out I had a girlfriend)

She never dated him. He tried but couldn't get a chance to talk with her at all. So he never got the opportunity to ask her on a date. She FINALLY got married and we all were wondering what his secret was for getting past her silent treatment. (It's off putting to say the least) But they've had their first couple of kids now....we are happy for them.

 

[Snackersmom]

Not much can be done...

We ALL have bad habits. We can't seem to break them either. And at times we find ourselves going down a path and even though we tell ourselves to stop...we can't seem to turn around and go the other way.
If I could've slowed myself down when I met my wife I likely would have...and regretted it later. But nooooo, used the full court press and kept at it. Didn't use tokens though....just was me. But I can tell some stories.

Ahhh heck....I'm happy and it all turned out wonderfully. But to this day I really don't understand why. I should have failed again. But by providence I haven't.

I knew a young lady that was typical clueless that a young man liked her. So I ratted him out. But her bad habit was the silent treatment to the point the guy thought that he was invisible to her. (She did me the same way at one point until she found out I had a girlfriend)

She never dated him. He tried but couldn't get a chance to talk with her at all. So he never got the opportunity to ask her on a date. She FINALLY got married and we all were wondering what his secret was for getting past her silent treatment. (It's off putting to say the least) But they've had their first couple of kids now....we are happy for them.

Ehhhhhh, ya just HAD to mention the silent treatment thing, huh? Yeah, I think that's my biggest obstacle. I don't even know why I do it, but it's proving to be incredibly hard to break. I hear it's called being "anxious avoidant". Guys who are married or have girlfriends (or just not my type or whatever) are not a problem, but anyone I might be attracted to I tend to avoid. I'm not sure where it came from or why I can't shake it, but I think God is telling me to deal with it. Easier said than done though.

 

[JohnDB]

Ehhhhhh, ya just HAD to mention the silent treatment thing, huh? Yeah, I think that's my biggest obstacle. I don't even know why I do it, but it's proving to be incredibly hard to break. I hear it's called being "anxious avoidant". Guys who are married or have girlfriends (or just not my type or whatever) are not a problem, but anyone I might be attracted to I tend to avoid. I'm not sure where it came from or why I can't shake it, but I think God is telling me to deal with it. Easier said than done though.

You could try just asking him questions and listening. That way you don't have to talk.
It's not much of a step....just a baby step. But for guys it's huge. And all you might have to do is give the compulsory "uh huh" and "oh wow" at the appropriate times. Smiling and nodding helps too.

The guy will feel like that you possibly are interested in him even though you don't really say anything.

Because the avoidance behavior tells him that you ALWAYS want to be anywhere he is not. Not exactly endearing behavior AKA non-verbal indicators. We guys do pick up on those things when they are that obvious...the super subtle shy routine because you do like him? Nope...not even going to register. Guys aren't generally that astute.

 

[Snackersmom]

You could try just asking him questions and listening. That way you don't have to talk.
It's not much of a step....just a baby step. But for guys it's huge. And all you might have to do is give the compulsory "uh huh" and "oh wow" at the appropriate times. Smiling and nodding helps too.

The guy will feel like that you possibly are interested in him even though you don't really say anything.

Because the avoidance behavior tells him that you ALWAYS want to be anywhere he is not. Not exactly endearing behavior AKA non-verbal indicators. We guys do pick up on those things when they are that obvious...the super subtle shy routine because you do like him? Nope...not even going to register. Guys aren't generally that astute.

That's good advice, and I'm not much of a talker in real life so I usually do just ask people questions and listen to the answers. But I'm generally drawn to the quieter guys who wouldn't want or be able to carry a conversation very long.

Plus it's more than just being shy or tongue-tied, it's like a fight-or-flight response (which I realize sounds ridiculous). I totally get why it would be off-putting to the guy, make them feel bad or think that I think they are creepy.

So that is probably why God is telling me to deal with it but easier said than done. I might start a different thread about this issue specifically, it seems pretty common among 30+ singles in churches.

Thank you for your input, I do appreciate it!

 

[JohnDB]

That's good advice, and I'm not much of a talker in real life so I usually do just ask people questions and listen to the answers. But I'm generally drawn to the quieter guys who wouldn't want or be able to carry a conversation very long.

Plus it's more than just being shy or tongue-tied, it's like a fight-or-flight response (which I realize sounds ridiculous). I totally get why it would be off-putting to the guy, make them feel bad or think that I think they are creepy.

So that is probably why God is telling me to deal with it but easier said than done. I might start a different thread about this issue specifically, it seems pretty common among 30+ singles in churches.

Thank you for your input, I do appreciate it!

The feeling of being accepted, of being liked/admired even in a platonic fashion is something EVERY single person desires and wants desperately. Single people need their friends moreso than most think.

The feelings of being discounted, thought to be creepy/dangerous is such a heartbreak....it's no different from feeling completely discounted....like you don't matter. (One of the reasons you would like to have a spouse is to have someone who needs you on a regular basis)

And it's the start of destroying that roar of silence that surrounds you at times.

I've been single...I'm married now. I get the struggles and desires.

I knew a young lady that had a strawberry covering half her face and body. She was perfectly healthy otherwise. But it did distract from her appearance.
However she was friendly and had such a servant spirit it completely made her a joy to be around. She baked a bundt cake every Sunday for Sunday School class....
One of the guys decided she was exactly his cup of tea. He bought her a kitchen aide mixer as a present....(she didn't have one) And their wedding was beautiful.

 

[CtheUSA]

Hey everyone, most of you don't know me but I used to haunt these forums a lot back in the day. *waves*

I've been wondering about something for a while now and thought I'd get perspectives from those who have actual experience:

When you decided to marry your spouse, how did you "know" it was the right thing, or what God wanted? Like, did you ask for a sign, just had peace about it, felt like God told you something, etc?

I debated about posting this in singles, but it seems a good number of us are or have been married at some point. I would also be interested in hearing the perspectives of those who married and regretted it, thought they got ahead of God, etc. but I know that can be a really sensitive issue and I totally respect that!

Full disclosure: I have never been married and am not currently dating anyone, so I'm not looking for advice so much as wanting to hear other perspectives and experiences.

Think lust v/s an attraction to someone with Godly fundamentals. No foundation no long term relationship. The predators are waiting outside the encampment for the fire to die down. That’s when evil chooses to destroy a relationship, when there’s trouble (fire dying down) . Easy to find those types, as they are dressed up in look-at-me mode. No Godly foundation … beneath the exterior is only emptiness and pain.
But a good relationship built w/ a correct foundation will keep that fire strong through the cold nights.