Hi all,
Never did I expect so many people here sincerely wanting to know what is happening to me. Christian population here is rather big and there are huge churches of 3000 and more people. I don't like large church and attending a small preaching point of less than 50 people but the mother church has more than 300 people.
Growing up in an abusive household is not easy and fear of unsure what will happen next is rather scary. I don't feel close to any of my family members at all. Not having many people to talk to. I know very well the pain of not having anyone or anything at all. As soon as I started working, I volunteered in orphanage homes and whatever I earn, goes to them because I know exactly how it feels when you don't even have any pennies to buy a loaf of bread. I do all these willingly and happily until after so many years later, I realised I need to keep some money for myself to buy myself a place to live in. People come to me with all sorts of difficulties, I attend to them.
I changed to this church about two years ago. The pastors don't know me. Each Sunday, I will arrive not later than 45 minutes before the service begins. I would make sure there's water for people to make drinks. I would make sure the church bulletins are in order. I would make sure the computer is running and the powerpoint slides are correct. If the ushers are not here, I would stand by the door to greet worshipers and give them the bulletin.
Yet, the church pastor said I never give back and only know how to take. As I am a seminary student, they wanted to pay 50% of the fees. I've never asked from them at all. Some months later, they said I'm indebted to the church. Something unfortunate happened to me and I wanted to seek help from the church. The pastor said it's my fault and I deserved it. That's when I started to isolate myself. Back then, I joined the bible study and I shared what I learnt from the seminary. A lady from the group would message me every night on facebook asking me to shut up. I stopped attending the bible study.
I literally have no one these days to fall on. I dislike all the judgmental statements. In the past, I asked the church members to pray for me to find a partner to which either one of the following is said to me:-
- God wants you to be single!
- You are not meant to be married!
- Focus on Jesus!
There are just so many things there that I really don't feel like talking much. I'm graduating from the seminary this year and I'm planning to leave church....
