Confidence and/or arrogance ./?

niceguyJ · May 8, 2012

When asked "What do you find attractive?", a lot of people tend to list confidence. It seems it's moreso women who do that . I've been thinking today about this, so I just wanted to throw some stuff out there and see what y'all have to say.

What does "confidence" mean to YOU? (Forget the dictionary definition for now. I just want to see if any of you are perhaps choosing the wrong word for what you're meaning.)

Should we, as Christians, view this whole "confidence" thing differently than the world does?

Is it fair to say there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance?
What some say is confidence could be called arrogance by others, right?
This line seems blurry to me.

With so many of you ladies saying you find "confidence" attractive, do you realize that there are a lot of guys who will put a front up to try to come off as what you'd consider to be "confident"?
Some are really good at it too. Not all of you see through that.

It seems there are more guys who come off as arrogant than women. That's just my observation/opinion. I wonder if it has anything to do with the above.

Now, lets look at a dictionary definition:
con·fi·dence

1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.

2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.

3.
certitude; assurance: He described the situation with such confidence that the audience believed him completely.

If someone asked me "Are you confident?", I think my honest answer would have to be:
No, I do not have any confidence in myself. I have a great amount of confidence in God. Anything I have or can do is a direct result of Him.. With Him all things are possible. So what boast have I except in Him? Why should I be confident in myself?

LightningClap0002 · May 8, 2012

Are you confident in your belief in God?

I would think that confidence in ones belief system should come across in their general attitude.

I think what women are seeing in "confidence" is the level of assurance. If you are firmly planted in your faith, then you most certainly are assured.

Jullianna · May 8, 2012

Not confident: I'd like to ask her out, but she'd probably say no, so I'm just going to wander off over here like Eeyore and pout about it.

Confidence: Looks a woman in the eye when he talks to her in an unpressured/non-tongue tied grownup to grownup conversation until he gets to know her, decides whether or not he wants to asks her out, then actually asks. Does what he says he'll do. Calls when he wants to or says he will rather than playing stupid games.

Arrogance: I'm such an amazing bundle of hotness that there's not a chick in this room who could say no to me, so hey baby, how 'bout it?

zeroturbulence · May 8, 2012

When women say they want a man who is confident, they are talking about someone who displays confidence in social settings. They have no way of knowing how confident a man feels about himself in his own mind. What matters is how confident he appears to be in a social setting.

I'm a perfect example of this because I am very confident in myself, but very shy in social settings so women literally don't notice me.
Now whether I am that way on purpose or not is for me to know.

Jullianna · May 8, 2012

Maybe I misunderstood the question. Are we talking about the confidence we have in Christ or the type of confidence women are talking about when it comes to what they like to see in men? How can we compare the two? It's like apples and oranges...

niceguyJ · May 8, 2012

Good responses. Thanks!

Jullianna,
I just really wasn't sure what most of you meant by "confidence". Maybe it has everything to do with how each of us defines it, which is why I asked that first. Hmm. Seemed like some women define it as a guy who is all "Oh I'm the man. I'm the best. I don't need anyone or anything, I'm the greatest." etc. Which in my mind, brought up the last thing I said. If that's "confidence" by some peoples' definition, I don't have it or want it.

It'll be interesting to see the different responses. I think everyone has had something a little different to say so far.

Jullianna · May 8, 2012

niceguyJ said:

That would most def fit in the arrogant column

The women who LIKE that will be crying their eyes out and eating a ton of ice cream next month when that guy picks his new flavor of the month.

Liz01 · May 9, 2012

In my opinion, the real confidence without arrogance comes as a consecuence of the faith in God and the knowledge of himself through the word of God.
For example:
- a man with confidence doesnt feel the most handsome man in earth but doesnt feel bad or insecure about his body because he knows exactly who he is in eyes of God,
- a man with confidence doesnt show off about his cars or money or job because he knows what things are important to God,
- a man with confidence knows how to be a leader but to serve to others
- a man with confidence say what he wants but at the same time he is humble

GreenNnice · May 9, 2012

niceguyJ said:

When asked "What do you find attractive?", a lot of people tend to list confidence. It seems it's moreso women who do that . I've been thinking today about this, so I just wanted to throw some stuff out there and see what y'all have to say.

What does "confidence" mean to YOU? (Forget the dictionary definition for now. I just want to see if any of you are perhaps choosing the wrong word for what you're meaning.)

Should we, as Christians, view this whole "confidence" thing differently than the world does?

Is it fair to say there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance?
What some say is confidence could be called arrogance by others, right?
This line seems blurry to me.

With so many of you ladies saying you find "confidence" attractive, do you realize that there are a lot of guys who will put a front up to try to come off as what you'd consider to be "confident"?
Some are really good at it too. Not all of you see through that.

It seems there are more guys who come off as arrogant than women. That's just my observation/opinion. I wonder if it has anything to do with the above.

Now, lets look at a dictionary definition:
con·fi·dence

1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.

2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.

3.
certitude; assurance: He described the situation with such confidence that the audience believed him completely.

If someone asked me "Are you confident?", I think my honest answer would have to be:
No, I do not have any confidence in myself. I have a great amount of confidence in God. Anything I have or can do is a direct result of Him.. With Him all things are possible. So what boast have I except in Him? Why should I be confident in myself?

Took the words right out of my mouth, confidence in Christ, not look for a confidence (just) in self, and, really, a guy confident in self is going to be seen as arrogant. And, a guy trusting in his own ways is not good, as, scripture clearly states to 'Trust in God with all your heart.and don't believe in your own way of understanding and going about doing things, walking places good, without acknowledging God.' (paraphrase of proverbs 3: 5,6) . He IS the reason you are EVEN able to walk the way you are going and achieve the things you are doing.

Jullianna · May 9, 2012

I absolutely agree that it's awesome and extremely attractive for a man to be deeply rooted in the Lord and in His Word, but there are a lot of guys out there who love the Lord and seek to follow Him wholeheartedly who are clearly lacking in confidence. I'm not talking about humility. Humility is precious when it's real. I'm talking about christian men with seriously low self-esteem issues.

Has it been stolen from them in some way? It often seems that way..

RushBreeze · May 9, 2012

Jullianna said:

I agree! I feel as though Christian men have been told that pride is a sin and therefore almost feel ashamed to take pride in their accomplishments and who they are. In my opinion there is a definite difference between taking pride in something and being prideful. I know a number of Christian men who are very confident in their relationship with Christ but not at all in themselves. They dont take pride in the gifts God has given them and the accomplishments they have achieved in life through Gods grace. They shouldn't be boastful (nothing is more off putting then a man who does nothing but brag about everything) but should rest assured that they are worthy of love and admiration.

zeroturbulence · May 9, 2012

Shaking my head. The cliches are really starting to wear on me. The answer always seems to be either "Find the one who puts God first", or "Just focus more on God." Well, well, well.. (sigh)

simplyme_bekah · May 9, 2012

confidence is good but a lot of women get confidence confused with cockiness. cockiness is when a male is still a boy and has not learned humility yet because he is too young and life has not taught him yet hence me saying that confidence is something that you acquire with age and with hard lessons. Personally I would take honesty, honor, morals, decency, kindness before confidence. Because lets face it, life can sometimes shake anyone's confidence and knock it right off a person...that is the time when you grow and become more in character if you are smart enough to grasp the lesson life just tossed your way and not feel sorry for yourself and have a pity party *grinz*

Canadian36 · May 9, 2012

I like your attitude. But I think the term "have confidence in yourself" is just a figure of speech. It's simply the opposite of feeling inadequate all the time. I think that simply comes through experience and also becoming your own best friend. Peoples inadequacies prevent them from doing all kinds of things. So men won't approach a women because he might think he's not good enough. So women perhaps like a guy who at least is confident enough in himself to come up at talk to her, or just even act normal in any social setting so she doesn't feel strange. food for thought

rainacorn · May 9, 2012

To me, confidence is actualization...when you are the best version of yourself.

That automatically includes a strong relationship with God, but it is not exclusively that.

In a dating scenario, it's when you're sure that you are fairly and accurately representing who you are to another person with little concern for how it is received. You aren't actively trying to impress someone, you're trying to get to know them and see if you'd be good for each other.

Jullianna · May 9, 2012

Gabe, I’m sensing from your comment that you may see the same disconnect that I have in my head regarding this topic, the apples and oranges thing. There are a lot of guys out there who have the sort of confidence (NOT arrogance or cockiness) that women like who are not Christians, as well as devout Christian guys out there who do not have it. I don’t know that it follows any other pattern either, as there are all sorts of guys who have this quality, from the business man, to the guy on the road crew, to pastors, to the incredibly good looking guy who doesn’t flaunt it, to a lot of what some would deem “nerdy” types.

I don’t know that who we are is solely about what God has or hasn’t done in our lives. What we do or don’t do and outside influences in our lives affect us as well, don’t they?

I’m wondering whether things a guy hasn’t learned yet are a factor? Whether the women in a guy’s life have intimidated him in some way? Whether he hasn’t been respected as a man as perhaps he should have been? Whether he has been hurt deeply? Whether he has something shameful in his past that he’s still dealing with? Whether he was bullied? Whether he simply hasn’t been around women much? …who knows

These are the thoughts bouncing around up there…

Liz01 · May 9, 2012

I dont think confidence is acquired imediatly after accept Jesus in their lives or a cliche. I think it depends if the guy know exactly who he is according to God and i mean really know it, for that i think that its necesary a lot of faith and a strong relationship with God.

I have known devouted christian guys that are not confident but they believe in God and i think its because they need to grow in faith and in his relationship with God, maybe the bible refers to them as "infants".

And i have known non-christian guys that seem to be confident, but their confidence are based on their jobs, on their money, on their successes, or their cars, or the women they had, or the name of the company in which they work. But that kind of confidence is empty, its not real confidence in my opinion because if those things are taken away (and i have seen that in some guys i knew) then nothing left inside of them and what was "confidence" in the begining it turns to be nothing.

The words like "Find the one who puts God first", or "Just focus more on God." are not just cliches or saying it with the mouth, they have a deeper meaning that come as the result of practicing the bible (and not only reading it), from rediscovering us and changing the way we see the things around us.

Ritter · May 9, 2012

We are human. We are modern/post-modern. Therefore, we bastardize words like "love," "confidence," and even "good" to mean things they do not. That or we just say words themselves are meaningless.

Suffice to say, stress over the word "confidence" is both expected and overblown. It can mean "pride" to some people...particularly those who are prideful. Often though, I think "confidence" is used in the right context. There is nothing wrong with being a confident Christian. Jesus is a figure of supreme confidence. So were Moses (well, after a certain point), Paul, Stephen, etc.

If confidence is attractive, I think it is ultimately because confidence is a Godly characteristic.

Jullianna · May 9, 2012

I did some searching in the scriptures and found this regarding confidence:
Philippians 1:6 - being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

So, any confidence we may have in a biblical context should be in Christ alone, not ourselves, right? Can anyone find any other scriptures about confidence?

Since James 1:17 says:

17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

If we consider confidence to be a good thing (and it seems that most of us do

) and if we consider it to be a gift rather than a personality trait, then we could agree with Ritter that it is a gift from God.

God gives gifts to unbelievers too though: Matthew 5:45 - He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

So, I find myself right back to wondering how someone's confidence level is a reflection of where they are in their walk with Christ if unbelievers also have it. It starts to have the same ring as the-marriage-stork-will-drop-the-perfect-woman/man-down-my-chimney theory or the "A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man must seek Him in order to find her" singsong that Maya Angelou made up.

Liz01 · May 9, 2012

I think that both (christians and non christians) can have confidence, but i think there is difference between real confidence or false confidence (like a deception).

I found this verse :

Jeremiah 17:7 "But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him"

and I found this one another:
2 Corinthians 3:1-5 "Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."

So any confidence funded in other thing different from God is not real confidence. And i think that the gift is not the confidence but the faith.

Confidence and/or arrogance ./?

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