Considering giving up pursuing a relationship with another woman

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Aug 28, 2020
79
24
8
#1
I've recently been led on by a woman that I was interested in. Long story short, I thought she was single and had a level of interest in me, so I asked her out but she gave me a half baked answer. I later discovered, while I was working she has a boyfriend (and one that people thought she broke up with over her faith and life expectations), and it happened when I saw them on the street. This isn't new to me because almost every single time a woman I like and would just want to ask out that this happens. However, I'm just getting sick of being led on, not getting a full answer and having to find out on my own (out of the blue), and end up being extremely disappointed.

Thing is, I'm not a desperate man and can go out with another woman if I wanted to. I'm a decent looking guy who's lost a whole bunch of weight, dresses far better than what I had before, more athletic and in shape than what I was, and I'm doing more fun things, such as dancing, traveling, playing party games, hitting up good restaurants and places with adult beverages, and I enjoy just hanging out at a coffee shop or a similar establishment. I also enjoy lively conversations and, respectable and civil, debates, and I enjoy hearing what a person's opinion about a subject (and I don't judge them).

However, the women that would be after me or would go out if I asked are not what I would call godly nor trustworthy. Typically, they're single moms that have multiple kids with multiple partners or they're so far out there with the way they view life I don't want anything to do with them, in terms of dating and relationship (or a combination of all that). I've looked at dating sites and even subscribed to them. I tried going on dates through them, but nothing. And the ones on those sites that would go out are not Christians.

Basically, the only ones that keep coming back up are the ones that I am NOT interested in. It's one thing if I was in my 20s and I could go out with anyone, but being in my 30s, I know what I'm looking for in a woman. But every time I think I found the qualities I'm looking for in a woman, with a woman I met and got to know, disappointment hits me like a ton of bricks, in the form of being friend-zoned and discovering she's already seeing someone without telling me after I ask her out. Instead, the half baked answers is all I'm left with, and I'm tired of that.

I've been, internally, struggling on whether or not just giving up on pursuing a woman. The fact that I've been having such a hard time just getting a straight answer to go out on a date, even if they had shown interest in me, has me discouraged severely. And I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to.

At times, though, I wonder if it's me. I know I'm different, and I might be the type where I'm fun to be around, but not good enough to be with someone who's stable and has their head screwed on right (because of the type of person I am), let alone go on a date with me.

There's times where I wonder if I just had bad luck and unexpectedly find the wrong person who I thought met what I was looking for. Or it just might simply be many women today being taught that they're not obligated to give straight answers anymore and put guys through the ringer.

Whatever the case, I'm feeling discouraged and I am in a spot right now where I'm trying to decide if it's even worth anymore. I'm tired of the heartbreaks, the half baked answers, being put into the friend-zone, and being led on. Besides, single life isn't bad. I get to do what I want, when I want, and how I want. No obligations nor pressure from another person.

However, as easy as it is to say something like that, I have to say, as far as doing fun activities, a female companion makes it even better. They enjoy your company and makes you feel desired. The last woman I was seeing made me feel that way. Issue, again, came down to faith, and she wasn't a believer. The most recent woman I was interested is, but seemed like she thought she was too good to give me a straight answer, especially with her being a pastor's daughter.

Now that there is no woman, and after everything I've been through, I don't know what to do because there isn't anyone in my area or near where I live that I'm interested in. What'll happen next, go out of town and meet someone, and risk getting the same results, like every other woman? Continue looking for other women around where I live, only to continue being burned? Or do I stay single and risk having others continually looking down on me because I'm 35 yrs old and single with no kids?

This sounds pessimistic, but please realize these are just my thoughts and I may be overthinking all this. Again, I know I'm not the only guy going through something like this, and I would like to know what you would do in making this decision making. I'll say this, prayer will be helpful and maybe I just need to do more. If there is one thing that I think God wanted me to see it's just because they proclaim to be saved and loyal to Him, it may not be true, and those people might not be straight forward with others.
 

Runningman

Well-known member
Mar 4, 2020
3,215
2,101
113
#2
I've recently been led on by a woman that I was interested in. Long story short, I thought she was single and had a level of interest in me, so I asked her out but she gave me a half baked answer. I later discovered, while I was working she has a boyfriend (and one that people thought she broke up with over her faith and life expectations), and it happened when I saw them on the street. This isn't new to me because almost every single time a woman I like and would just want to ask out that this happens. However, I'm just getting sick of being led on, not getting a full answer and having to find out on my own (out of the blue), and end up being extremely disappointed.

Thing is, I'm not a desperate man and can go out with another woman if I wanted to. I'm a decent looking guy who's lost a whole bunch of weight, dresses far better than what I had before, more athletic and in shape than what I was, and I'm doing more fun things, such as dancing, traveling, playing party games, hitting up good restaurants and places with adult beverages, and I enjoy just hanging out at a coffee shop or a similar establishment. I also enjoy lively conversations and, respectable and civil, debates, and I enjoy hearing what a person's opinion about a subject (and I don't judge them).

However, the women that would be after me or would go out if I asked are not what I would call godly nor trustworthy. Typically, they're single moms that have multiple kids with multiple partners or they're so far out there with the way they view life I don't want anything to do with them, in terms of dating and relationship (or a combination of all that). I've looked at dating sites and even subscribed to them. I tried going on dates through them, but nothing. And the ones on those sites that would go out are not Christians.

Basically, the only ones that keep coming back up are the ones that I am NOT interested in. It's one thing if I was in my 20s and I could go out with anyone, but being in my 30s, I know what I'm looking for in a woman. But every time I think I found the qualities I'm looking for in a woman, with a woman I met and got to know, disappointment hits me like a ton of bricks, in the form of being friend-zoned and discovering she's already seeing someone without telling me after I ask her out. Instead, the half baked answers is all I'm left with, and I'm tired of that.

I've been, internally, struggling on whether or not just giving up on pursuing a woman. The fact that I've been having such a hard time just getting a straight answer to go out on a date, even if they had shown interest in me, has me discouraged severely. And I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to.

At times, though, I wonder if it's me. I know I'm different, and I might be the type where I'm fun to be around, but not good enough to be with someone who's stable and has their head screwed on right (because of the type of person I am), let alone go on a date with me.

There's times where I wonder if I just had bad luck and unexpectedly find the wrong person who I thought met what I was looking for. Or it just might simply be many women today being taught that they're not obligated to give straight answers anymore and put guys through the ringer.

Whatever the case, I'm feeling discouraged and I am in a spot right now where I'm trying to decide if it's even worth anymore. I'm tired of the heartbreaks, the half baked answers, being put into the friend-zone, and being led on. Besides, single life isn't bad. I get to do what I want, when I want, and how I want. No obligations nor pressure from another person.

However, as easy as it is to say something like that, I have to say, as far as doing fun activities, a female companion makes it even better. They enjoy your company and makes you feel desired. The last woman I was seeing made me feel that way. Issue, again, came down to faith, and she wasn't a believer. The most recent woman I was interested is, but seemed like she thought she was too good to give me a straight answer, especially with her being a pastor's daughter.

Now that there is no woman, and after everything I've been through, I don't know what to do because there isn't anyone in my area or near where I live that I'm interested in. What'll happen next, go out of town and meet someone, and risk getting the same results, like every other woman? Continue looking for other women around where I live, only to continue being burned? Or do I stay single and risk having others continually looking down on me because I'm 35 yrs old and single with no kids?

This sounds pessimistic, but please realize these are just my thoughts and I may be overthinking all this. Again, I know I'm not the only guy going through something like this, and I would like to know what you would do in making this decision making. I'll say this, prayer will be helpful and maybe I just need to do more. If there is one thing that I think God wanted me to see it's just because they proclaim to be saved and loyal to Him, it may not be true, and those people might not be straight forward with others.
You might be able to set some expectations off the starting line. For example, if you find you're becoming friends with a lady, maybe you're talking on the phone, and you're interested in courting her then bring up the discussion as soon as possible that you're single, ready to date, and get answers from her about what she's interested in. If she is evasive she's probably not interested and is just being friendly.

You also gotta know that not everyone's boundaries are the same. The woman you mentioned may not have tried to intentionally lead you on and disappoint you if no clear expectations were given to her. Some people of the opposite sex, fully committed in relationships, see no gray area in forming close friendships with men and some men feel the same way.

So it can get confusing pretty quickly. I think the key is just good communication and expectations. Sorry it worked out how it did, but the truth is she wasn't for you. She was already taken. As we go along and experience these kind of situations we get wiser. Remember God is always with you and sees everything. Pray for His help. Take care.
 
L

Live4Him

Guest
#3
Again, I know I'm not the only guy going through something like this, and I would like to know what you would do in making this decision making.
My simple advice to you, which is advice that I follow regularly myself, is this:

When you don't know what to do, do what you do know to do.

In other words, instead of concentrating right now on something that is apparently out of your control (how a woman behaves towards you), concentrate on becoming more of the man that God wants you to be. I mean, that's a necessity anyway, regardless if there's a woman in your life or not, right?

Anyhow, I feel for you.

God's grace is sufficient.
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
2,854
2,331
113
#4
Have you considered that perhaps it's time to reconsider what it is you're looking for in a woman? I mean if everyone that seems to fit your type is the same, shouldn't that be telling in itself?
And if a woman doesn't give you a clear answer, just take that as a no and move on. If the same thing keeps happening over and over, what sense does it make for you to make the mistake of expecting things to be different by repeating what hasn't worked previously?
Have you considered, if this keeps happening, to bring the subject up much earlier and asking them directly?

What seems at play here is you see the same pattern occurring over and over, and yet you don't change. If you aren't learning and adapting then there comes a point where you begin taking some of the responsibility.

You say you aren't desperate then go on about all the things you're doing to find a woman. And how when a woman won't give you a straight answer, you stick around anyways. No matter how many times you get screwed over. That certainly doesn't sound like the actions of someone that is more neutral on finding someone.
 

EternalFire

Well-known member
Jan 3, 2019
490
278
63
#5

TabinRivCA

Well-known member
Oct 23, 2018
8,169
7,620
113
#6
The women you seem to be bumping into are all the same? I'd say 90% of the single gals I know who are younger want to be married. I assume you don't have a large church around you? At my church they have different ministries and zoom groups to get to know other Christians.
A healthy tip is not to even get close to thinking 'relationship' ties before you go on a few dates and ask indirect questions to get to know the person. Most of the single gals I know are Christians who dream of being married and later kids.
Always ask for the Holy Spirit to give you discernment when in doubt of a person's character and He will. Also, I know couples who have met while doing volunteer work for church or good causes.
Finally respect yourself, you aren't here to be taken advantage of or deceived, but that's where your spiritual eyes and ears come into play. If something doesn't jive, don't go further til you figure it or drop it. There ARE plenty of good Christian women around, so take it easy, I'm sure you'll find the right one.
 
Aug 28, 2020
79
24
8
#7
The women you seem to be bumping into are all the same? I'd say 90% of the single gals I know who are younger want to be married. I assume you don't have a large church around you? At my church they have different ministries and zoom groups to get to know other Christians.
A healthy tip is not to even get close to thinking 'relationship' ties before you go on a few dates and ask indirect questions to get to know the person. Most of the single gals I know are Christians who dream of being married and later kids.
Always ask for the Holy Spirit to give you discernment when in doubt of a person's character and He will. Also, I know couples who have met while doing volunteer work for church or good causes.
Finally respect yourself, you aren't here to be taken advantage of or deceived, but that's where your spiritual eyes and ears come into play. If something doesn't jive, don't go further til you figure it or drop it. There ARE plenty of good Christian women around, so take it easy, I'm sure you'll find the right one.
Thanks. I think part of my problem is I over think things too easily. I know there are good Christian women out there that would like to meet a Christian guy. I thought at the time that a pastor’s daughter, who still attends church and whose family is good, would be a good place to start. But, then again, if she’s dating an atheist, I guess that shows where she’s at.

Maybe I should just enjoy being single for awhile and just ponder what I can do to improve myself. I figured with my work life going well, getting ready to move into a new home, and buying a new that all I needed was good woman, instead of settling into a new phase of my life first before making that leap. I am getting ready to go out of town for a few days on my own on Memorial Day weekend, so that might do me some good and get my mind off of things. And who knows, maybe I can come up with an answer quicker.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,897
4,596
113
#8
hmm I wouldnt say all young christians single girls want to be married and I wouldnt presume that just because you see a girl who isnt holding hands with a boy that they are single!!! If someone is going out with somone and giving you a half baked answer why they dont want to go out with you of COURSE they might be busy or already engaged. Ever considered that women have their own lives too and cant go out with every single guy who asks otherwise it would be a bit nuts! Diaries get full and its enough to keep track of ONE guy let alone 20!

I would say sisters really dont like to be pressured.
 

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
Feb 20, 2021
2,131
850
113
#9
I'd like to see Christians follow the Word of God . . .

1 Corinthians 7:20-28 NLT - "Yes, each of you should remain as you were when God called you. Are you a slave? Don't let that worry you--but if you get a chance to be free, take it. And remember, if you were a slave when the Lord called you, you are now free in the Lord. And if you were free when the Lord called you, you are now a slave of Christ. God paid a high price for you, so don't be enslaved by the world. Each of you, dear brothers and sisters, should remain as you were when God first called you. Now regarding your question about the young women who are not yet married. I do not have a command from the Lord for them. But the Lord in his mercy has given me wisdom that can be trusted, and I will share it with you. Because of the present crisis, I think it is best to remain as you are. If you have a wife, do not seek to end the marriage. If you do not have a wife, do not seek to get married. But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems."
 

Kireina

Well-known member
Aug 26, 2020
1,138
1,091
113
#10
Hello! 🤗

First, let me start by saying sometimes when someone mislead us, rejected us or walk away from us it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you..it is not because you are not a lovable person or worthy enough it doesn't mean any of that...sometimes it just means he/she is not the person yet... 😊

Yeah...I think some of us experienced this... and it is not OK to mislead a person... though it hurts maybe consider it a blessing in disguise...better to find out early than to find it out after 1 or two years in a relationship with the person already...


Inhale And exhale 😊 take a lil rest but don't give up yet, just rest your heart a lil bit... You never know what can happen tomorrow... Maybe she is just around the corner and is actually so close to you already... 😊
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
12,897
4,596
113
#11
exactly its a bit like the game musical chairs.
If I recall, not everyone gets a chair to sit on all the time.
sometimes its a mad scramble.
sometimes people have to share or just sit on the floor. some people are greedy and try to steal the chairs.

You might go to a dance and the girl is dancing with a boy. doesnt mean she is rejecting you. WAIT YOUR TURN. or someone might not be dancing, and is waiting to be asked. But if she says no, its not because she is necessarily rejecting YOU. Its because she might be tired or sitting it out! Be respectful.

if you want to hog a girl for the entire dance well that is just being greedy too.
 
Aug 28, 2020
79
24
8
#12
I appreciate the advice being given, fully, especially to those offering encouragement because it's helping. Now, to those who giving their two cents (but, quite frankly, sounds like you're putting me down rather than giving real advice because you haven't offered any yet nor any encouragement), let me add context to the story and myself:

So to address the part about me not being desperate, I'm not mincing words here. I'm NOT desperate. If I was, I would have picked up ANY woman. I'm not a part of hookup culture, as I believe it's far more destructive than what people would imagine. I would consider myself a decent looking guy, so attracting women on a physical level alone isn't much of an issue. I also like to say that I'm a fun person to be around, from what I've seen with others. The last woman I dated, we had a lot of fun together and people mentioned it when they saw us. However, because of my faith and how I was brought up to practice traditional dating, I don't want to ask out just ANYONE that I would deem hot.

I've come across plenty of beautiful women, but never pursued them because they're ungodly. Many of them, from what I've seen, have taken advantage of men, so I want to make sure that not only am I attracted to them but also interested in their character and beliefs. I have standards of what I'm looking for but I'm not greedy, at least I try not be. Ultimately, yes, I know I'm not perfect, but I do try to follow in His ways and I realize I may stumble from time to time. I'm breaking out of my shell, I've held myself up (and that's on me), and I'm ready to live life. Now that I got that out of the way, let's move on the story.

This woman I WAS interested in (I'm not any longer) is a pastor's daughter. She seemed nice enough, checked off what I was looking for in a woman, and (supposedly) is godly (I'm questioning it, so I'll get into that in a moment). I got to know her a little better and found out we had some things in common. So I thought 'what the heck, I'll ask her out' but was nervous to do so because I kind of liked her at the time. I just didn't want to come across as needy, and I was afraid of rejection. Part of that comes from me being very overweight and had seen myself as the fat guy for a long time. That's no longer the case. I was 330 pounds, but today, I'm around 190 pounds, so I look and feel a heck of a lot better. Even then, the old mentality creeps up and pounces. That's what kind of happened here and was kind of shy for the most part around this woman.

Anyway, her ex-boyfriend is an atheist, and she called it off because of that. At least, that was the story she gave to the people we both know because when I asked them, they said she was, and they said the two stayed friends. They gave a description of the guy as well, and a week after I asked her out and the day I saw her with this guy, the description of the ex along with the guy she was with matched perfectly. Not only were they holding hands, they were also very intimate with each other. It was a brief encounter, but it told me everything I needed to know.

Now, it's possible the guy could have been saved and if it turns out to be the case, that's good. Another possibility, maybe he was willing to learn what it was like to be saved. However, given everything leading up to this point (and I'm not saying this is the reason), there's a strong possibility he's still an atheist, has no plans on changing, and she's fine with it, but might have told a white lie just to give her cover in front of the congregation.

Whatever the case might be, and I'm pushing back on the notion to what someone said earlier on hear, people NEED to be forward with the others. No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts.' If consider ourselves to children of God, we need to have our 'yes' be 'yes' and 'no' be 'no', and I can handle 'no' answers just fine because, at least, I know where we stand. What I DON'T like is this guessing game. "Does she like me? Will she go out with me? Will she come up and talk to me? Is she interested in me?" It's one thing for teenagers to do this stuff and dwell on it, but when you're an adult, most of these games need to be over and done with. Men, typically, don't have time for this stuff, but when it happens, it gets them down. I say the same thing about women wanting straight answers as well. It's wrong not to do that, and I know there are other men, like myself, and women that go through it. So let's not split hairs here and come up with excuses.

I'm sorry this seems like a novel I'm typing up and I promise I'll be done soon, but understand that I've made changes in my life that I needed to make and it feels like it's all for naught because I had reprioritized what I'm looking for in a woman many times and still nothing. Top of my list is she must be saved, then cares for others (friends or not), respects the value of masculinity in men (and men in general), and cares for herself in mind, body, and soul (again, being saved). I don't care if she looks like a supermodel or not, or if she's rich or poor, if she doesn't meet any of these things on my list, she's not worth my time. I just felt like I had a winner with this one, but I was wrong, and I realized even the people you would think would be good, typically, that's not always the case. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it's why I'm struggling with this decision of being single the rest of my life or wait for that one person. I'm done with these heartbreaks, the indirect answers, and the games that mean nothing. I know I'm not alone on this. Again, thanks to those that gave me good advice.
 

cinder

Senior Member
Mar 26, 2014
3,974
2,019
113
#13
I appreciate the advice being given, fully, especially to those offering encouragement because it's helping. Now, to those who giving their two cents (but, quite frankly, sounds like you're putting me down rather than giving real advice because you haven't offered any yet nor any encouragement), let me add context to the story and myself:

So to address the part about me not being desperate, I'm not mincing words here. I'm NOT desperate. If I was, I would have picked up ANY woman. I'm not a part of hookup culture, as I believe it's far more destructive than what people would imagine. I would consider myself a decent looking guy, so attracting women on a physical level alone isn't much of an issue. I also like to say that I'm a fun person to be around, from what I've seen with others. The last woman I dated, we had a lot of fun together and people mentioned it when they saw us. However, because of my faith and how I was brought up to practice traditional dating, I don't want to ask out just ANYONE that I would deem hot.

I've come across plenty of beautiful women, but never pursued them because they're ungodly. Many of them, from what I've seen, have taken advantage of men, so I want to make sure that not only am I attracted to them but also interested in their character and beliefs. I have standards of what I'm looking for but I'm not greedy, at least I try not be. Ultimately, yes, I know I'm not perfect, but I do try to follow in His ways and I realize I may stumble from time to time. I'm breaking out of my shell, I've held myself up (and that's on me), and I'm ready to live life. Now that I got that out of the way, let's move on the story.

This woman I WAS interested in (I'm not any longer) is a pastor's daughter. She seemed nice enough, checked off what I was looking for in a woman, and (supposedly) is godly (I'm questioning it, so I'll get into that in a moment). I got to know her a little better and found out we had some things in common. So I thought 'what the heck, I'll ask her out' but was nervous to do so because I kind of liked her at the time. I just didn't want to come across as needy, and I was afraid of rejection. Part of that comes from me being very overweight and had seen myself as the fat guy for a long time. That's no longer the case. I was 330 pounds, but today, I'm around 190 pounds, so I look and feel a heck of a lot better. Even then, the old mentality creeps up and pounces. That's what kind of happened here and was kind of shy for the most part around this woman.

Anyway, her ex-boyfriend is an atheist, and she called it off because of that. At least, that was the story she gave to the people we both know because when I asked them, they said she was, and they said the two stayed friends. They gave a description of the guy as well, and a week after I asked her out and the day I saw her with this guy, the description of the ex along with the guy she was with matched perfectly. Not only were they holding hands, they were also very intimate with each other. It was a brief encounter, but it told me everything I needed to know.

Now, it's possible the guy could have been saved and if it turns out to be the case, that's good. Another possibility, maybe he was willing to learn what it was like to be saved. However, given everything leading up to this point (and I'm not saying this is the reason), there's a strong possibility he's still an atheist, has no plans on changing, and she's fine with it, but might have told a white lie just to give her cover in front of the congregation.

Whatever the case might be, and I'm pushing back on the notion to what someone said earlier on hear, people NEED to be forward with the others. No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts.' If consider ourselves to children of God, we need to have our 'yes' be 'yes' and 'no' be 'no', and I can handle 'no' answers just fine because, at least, I know where we stand. What I DON'T like is this guessing game. "Does she like me? Will she go out with me? Will she come up and talk to me? Is she interested in me?" It's one thing for teenagers to do this stuff and dwell on it, but when you're an adult, most of these games need to be over and done with. Men, typically, don't have time for this stuff, but when it happens, it gets them down. I say the same thing about women wanting straight answers as well. It's wrong not to do that, and I know there are other men, like myself, and women that go through it. So let's not split hairs here and come up with excuses.

I'm sorry this seems like a novel I'm typing up and I promise I'll be done soon, but understand that I've made changes in my life that I needed to make and it feels like it's all for naught because I had reprioritized what I'm looking for in a woman many times and still nothing. Top of my list is she must be saved, then cares for others (friends or not), respects the value of masculinity in men (and men in general), and cares for herself in mind, body, and soul (again, being saved). I don't care if she looks like a supermodel or not, or if she's rich or poor, if she doesn't meet any of these things on my list, she's not worth my time. I just felt like I had a winner with this one, but I was wrong, and I realized even the people you would think would be good, typically, that's not always the case. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it's why I'm struggling with this decision of being single the rest of my life or wait for that one person. I'm done with these heartbreaks, the indirect answers, and the games that mean nothing. I know I'm not alone on this. Again, thanks to those that gave me good advice.
So how well did you actually know this woman? Yes it's disappointing to have your illusions shattered, but it sounds like you barely ever talked to her and didn't ask her out. And if you did (and she was decent enough to be honest) she would have told you that she was with someone else. Only other ways for that to play out would be she'd lie to you that she was available and be dating two guys at once while pretending each of you were her only relationship or else she was only with ex because she didn't think she could find anything better and would dump him for you and probably dump you when she thought she found someone even better.

All that to say, don't despair because the one woman you thought could be wonderful turns out to be not all that after all. Lament with the Psalmist in Psalm 73 about "surely in vain have I kept myself pure" and then go on to realize that your moral standards are protecting you from ending up with a woman who will just make you more miserable than singleness ever could.
 

2ndTimothyGroup

Well-known member
Feb 20, 2021
2,131
850
113
#14
I appreciate the advice being given, fully, especially to those offering encouragement because it's helping. Now, to those who giving their two cents (but, quite frankly, sounds like you're putting me down rather than giving real advice because you haven't offered any yet nor any encouragement), let me add context to the story and myself:

So to address the part about me not being desperate, I'm not mincing words here. I'm NOT desperate. If I was, I would have picked up ANY woman. I'm not a part of hookup culture, as I believe it's far more destructive than what people would imagine. I would consider myself a decent looking guy, so attracting women on a physical level alone isn't much of an issue. I also like to say that I'm a fun person to be around, from what I've seen with others. The last woman I dated, we had a lot of fun together and people mentioned it when they saw us. However, because of my faith and how I was brought up to practice traditional dating, I don't want to ask out just ANYONE that I would deem hot.

I've come across plenty of beautiful women, but never pursued them because they're ungodly. Many of them, from what I've seen, have taken advantage of men, so I want to make sure that not only am I attracted to them but also interested in their character and beliefs. I have standards of what I'm looking for but I'm not greedy, at least I try not be. Ultimately, yes, I know I'm not perfect, but I do try to follow in His ways and I realize I may stumble from time to time. I'm breaking out of my shell, I've held myself up (and that's on me), and I'm ready to live life. Now that I got that out of the way, let's move on the story.

This woman I WAS interested in (I'm not any longer) is a pastor's daughter. She seemed nice enough, checked off what I was looking for in a woman, and (supposedly) is godly (I'm questioning it, so I'll get into that in a moment). I got to know her a little better and found out we had some things in common. So I thought 'what the heck, I'll ask her out' but was nervous to do so because I kind of liked her at the time. I just didn't want to come across as needy, and I was afraid of rejection. Part of that comes from me being very overweight and had seen myself as the fat guy for a long time. That's no longer the case. I was 330 pounds, but today, I'm around 190 pounds, so I look and feel a heck of a lot better. Even then, the old mentality creeps up and pounces. That's what kind of happened here and was kind of shy for the most part around this woman.

Anyway, her ex-boyfriend is an atheist, and she called it off because of that. At least, that was the story she gave to the people we both know because when I asked them, they said she was, and they said the two stayed friends. They gave a description of the guy as well, and a week after I asked her out and the day I saw her with this guy, the description of the ex along with the guy she was with matched perfectly. Not only were they holding hands, they were also very intimate with each other. It was a brief encounter, but it told me everything I needed to know.

Now, it's possible the guy could have been saved and if it turns out to be the case, that's good. Another possibility, maybe he was willing to learn what it was like to be saved. However, given everything leading up to this point (and I'm not saying this is the reason), there's a strong possibility he's still an atheist, has no plans on changing, and she's fine with it, but might have told a white lie just to give her cover in front of the congregation.

Whatever the case might be, and I'm pushing back on the notion to what someone said earlier on hear, people NEED to be forward with the others. No 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts.' If consider ourselves to children of God, we need to have our 'yes' be 'yes' and 'no' be 'no', and I can handle 'no' answers just fine because, at least, I know where we stand. What I DON'T like is this guessing game. "Does she like me? Will she go out with me? Will she come up and talk to me? Is she interested in me?" It's one thing for teenagers to do this stuff and dwell on it, but when you're an adult, most of these games need to be over and done with. Men, typically, don't have time for this stuff, but when it happens, it gets them down. I say the same thing about women wanting straight answers as well. It's wrong not to do that, and I know there are other men, like myself, and women that go through it. So let's not split hairs here and come up with excuses.

I'm sorry this seems like a novel I'm typing up and I promise I'll be done soon, but understand that I've made changes in my life that I needed to make and it feels like it's all for naught because I had reprioritized what I'm looking for in a woman many times and still nothing. Top of my list is she must be saved, then cares for others (friends or not), respects the value of masculinity in men (and men in general), and cares for herself in mind, body, and soul (again, being saved). I don't care if she looks like a supermodel or not, or if she's rich or poor, if she doesn't meet any of these things on my list, she's not worth my time. I just felt like I had a winner with this one, but I was wrong, and I realized even the people you would think would be good, typically, that's not always the case. It's a hard lesson to learn, and it's why I'm struggling with this decision of being single the rest of my life or wait for that one person. I'm done with these heartbreaks, the indirect answers, and the games that mean nothing. I know I'm not alone on this. Again, thanks to those that gave me good advice.
Really? I quoted the Word of God and His command. That command transcends any human advice. :)
 
Aug 28, 2020
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#16
So how well did you actually know this woman? Yes it's disappointing to have your illusions shattered, but it sounds like you barely ever talked to her and didn't ask her out. And if you did (and she was decent enough to be honest) she would have told you that she was with someone else. Only other ways for that to play out would be she'd lie to you that she was available and be dating two guys at once while pretending each of you were her only relationship or else she was only with ex because she didn't think she could find anything better and would dump him for you and probably dump you when she thought she found someone even better. All that to say, don't despair because the one woman you thought could be wonderful turns out to be not all that after all. Lament with the Psalmist in Psalm 73 about "surely in vain have I kept myself pure" and then go on to realize that your moral standards are protecting you from ending up with a woman who will just make you more miserable than singleness ever could.
Thing is I knew her fairly well from church and we have talked. Even where I work we talked. So this isn't over one woman. It's just I have been in relationships that I thought would go somewhere but, in the end, don't. And where I'm at now, for the first time in my adult life, I am not interested in anyone. No one's catching my eye, no one is interesting me, literally no one. I'm at a lost, but I'm not scared. Nor am I holding out any hope this pastor's daughter dumps the guy she's seeing and goes for me. That's her own mess to clean up and I refuse to be Option B.

What I'm looking for is an answer, but, unfortunately, I don't know what that will look like. A sign, an answered prayer, I don't know, and that's what has been eating at me. All I can say is, with this woman, it might have been God telling me "don't pursue her", like what He might have done with the last ones. In addition to all that, I'm getting strung out and, honestly, I'm just not liking this anymore. I'll admit to any faults I had done, but I know these things are not entirely on me, and it seems that's what it's becoming over and over again. I'm not trying to sound like a downer, but rather trying to piece it together, I guess. But you are right that moral standards have been keeping me safe. So if it turns out that there's no one out there for me because of what I believe and what I'm looking for, so be it. I'd rather be around someone who appreciates my company rather than someone who doesn't respect it.