Crush On My Pastor...

[RushBreeze]

Hi Everyone, I'd really love everyones advice on this, as I have no idea what to do or where to go to ask.

I started going to my new church a little over a year ago, and found the people to be incredibly kind and caring. For the first time since I graduated high school I had found a church to attend regularly (my last church has been incredibly unkind rude to both me and a friend causing us both to leave the church for quite a while). I really enjoyed the Sunday service and was excited to find out they had a young adults group, where I have been able to build great friendships. Its lead by our churches associate pastor, who also runs the youth group and preaches once a month and when our head pastor is away. He is single, and just turned 30, is very kind, charismatic and funny.

Anyway over the length of the year I have found myself starting to really like him. I am not the kind of person to tell a guy I liked him under regular circumstances, and so with being so complicated (in my opinion anyway) I am even less inclined to say anything. I am pretty terrible at reading if a guy likes me or not, but the way he has been talking and acting lately leaves me to believe that he might feel something too.

Obviously prayer and reading my bible and seeking Gods guidance through this whole situation is incredibly important. My question is if there is any advice on how to go forward in this situation?

I would really appreciate your prayer and thoughts.
Thanks everyone.

 

[Ugly]

Well, there is always the option to just be an adult and speak up. But, considering he's your pastor, you have to consider the ramifications if he turns out not to share your feelings. Will you still be able to show up at that church? Will you still be able to focus on the messages when he's there or preaching?
Normally i would just say go for it, but in this case i say think on these possible consequences if it doesn't work. if you're willing and able to deal, or have somewhere else to go, then go for it. But if it would cause you to lose out on a good church if it didn't work out, then maybe give it more time, maybe try to befriend him more. Feel out how he may be feeling.

 

[Jullianna]

It's pretty safe to ask someone if they'd like to join you for a cup of coffee or ice cream or something after a service, Bible study or other function. It could give him a nudge that you're interested without it having to be awkward. If he's interested, he can take it from there, right?

 

[TyphaniNichole]

befriend him first dont throw yourself on him not saying that you will & always remember he's the pastor, sharing the word of God preaching the gospel and its very important to listen to the word

 

[RushBreeze]

Well, there is always the option to just be an adult and speak up. But, considering he's your pastor, you have to consider the ramifications if he turns out not to share your feelings. Will you still be able to show up at that church? Will you still be able to focus on the messages when he's there or preaching?
Normally i would just say go for it, but in this case i say think on these possible consequences if it doesn't work. if you're willing and able to deal, or have somewhere else to go, then go for it. But if it would cause you to lose out on a good church if it didn't work out, then maybe give it more time, maybe try to befriend him more. Feel out how he may be feeling.

I know exactly what you mean, this is one of the main reasons I am so cautious to pursue anything on my own. It feels so amazing to have found a church that actually shows me and everyone else such love and acceptance, and to loose that would be heart breaking.

I also adhere to the friends before anything else sort of attitude, thank you everyone for confirming this for me.

Is there anyway, or clues I should look out for to confirm or deny what I am thinking I see?

 

[CC_Bride]

Oh this is a tricky one!

My husband read this over my shoulder and went on a 'this is how males act' rant:

If he is 100% sure about you he WILL pursue you. If he likes you but expects you to do all the pursuing and making yourself emotionally vulnerable, then he is weak and you shouldn't go near a man who is weak and in a leadership position.

On the other hand he may like you and may be considering you but while the same time hes facing the exact same dilemma you're facing. Hes probably thinking - "She's a member if this group, if she rejects me this will look awkward and will be very uncomfortable for the both of us."

Which puts this situation at a stalemate.

I'll put my feminine 2 cents in:
1. Men should pursue, but sometimes you do need to subtly get in his way, which you may need to do in this case.

2. Let your testimony and walk with Christ be obvious to him. Get involved in this young adults group and let him witness you doing God's work with your hands without it even directly be focused on him. Let it be obvious you care more about God's approval than anyone else (especially him). As a church leader he needs to be looking for a spouse who backs up and supports his spiritual authority as well as maintaining her own (think Proverbs 31:23) and is willing to follow his path (since its such a huge consuming role) instead of another ministry. Secondly, in this young adult group find some reason to come early and help set up, even if it means doing something low like setting up chairs and cleaning. Open those opportunities for him to watch you without him worrying if others have noticed, and also for the chance for the two of you to converse alone but in a safe environment. Ask him, if theres any thing practical that needs to be done (then do it) and what the prayer needs are for this ministry. To a godly man, a woman who prays with humility is extremely attractive.

3. While your doing the above things remember not to worry about how you look to him, if something silly happens that embarrasses you, gracefully laugh it off, mindyou maybe hes the kind of bloke who likes a girl who blushes, hard to tell. Don't overcompensate and be arrogantly confident or flirtatious with him.

4. Seek out a godly older woman in the church who is the very definition of discretion (a pastors wife would be a bonus), and very humbly tell her whats on your mind. Because of his leadership position this bloke could be busy with the ministry and may like you but could be second guessing himself because of the weird situation your in, therefore having another woman assist you with mentoring and drop more obvious hints to this guy while mentioning you in front of him (privately) would help. If shes a pastors wife, he may trust her enough to tell her his true honest opinion of you. And if its really positive, then she can initiate something gentle like having a dinner at her house and you and this bloke turning up and being under the loving surveillance of the mentor and her husband so you can figure each other out, and if that goes well, well by then you'd hope he had the guts to pull up this boot straps and ask you out.

5. If you have brothers, or your Dad goes to the same church, or you have brothers in Christ you love as biological brothers, you can use these guys to stake him out for you. He may like you, and he may be in a position of leadership, but he should still biblically speaking seek the approval of your male relations and be willing to answer questions from your mother and girlfriends.

6. And above all else, talk to God about it!! Find all the passages in the bible that talk about leadership responsibilities in the church, so you understand the heavy load this guy has on his shoulders compared to the average Joe Christian, and pray over it. Ask God to open doors to a potential relationship with this guy, and if doors open take it as His approval of you going a tiny step closer then pray over the next step you need to take. Also if God doesn't open doors then pray over your heart, and be prepared for the fact that this guy might not be who God is planning to be your spouse.

Please let us know if anything happens!

Many Blessings

Your sister in Christ

 

[Ugly]

So men who are shy and perhaps not outgoing are weak and can't lead their familys and therefore don't deserve to be in a relationship?

The 'only men should pursue' is a cultural standard only.

 

[CC_Bride]

So men who are shy and perhaps not outgoing are weak and can't lead their familys and therefore don't deserve to be in a relationship?

The 'only men should pursue' is a cultural standard only.

No, Im not saying that at all. Between my husband and myself I have and will always be the more assertive extroverted one, and my husband is naturally quiet and introverted. Yet I believe in submitting to my husband's God given leadership. But I believe that part of being a leader (and all men are to be leaders of some sort regardless if their married or not) is that they should lead. And an example of leading prior to marriage is standing up with your head held high and stating your interest in someone. If they don't use that authority as a single man, what makes anyone think authority will instantly occur the minute a guy marries? But with quieter men, women should understand that you sometimes need to help them along a bit by gently encouraging them.

My explanation re my advice is taken from the book of Ruth. She is in Boaz' work environment frequently so her character is shown but she also needed to get in his social environment, which she and her mother in law thought of and did. But when it came to the initiation of a courtship leading to marriage she very clearly made the first step, but she left the ball in Boaz' court to come to her and ask her himself which he did. By responding to Ruth, Boaz was pursuing her despite the fact that it was Ruth who did a more drastic approach of initiating his interest. But none the less, it was Boaz who returned the sentiment and after that conversation on the threshing floor, he did all the organising and pursuing of a marriage.

Some people view Boaz as the Brad Pitt Christian pin up of confident men, but I think the opposite. The guy was absolutely astonished that Ruth was attracted to him and wanted him as a potential husband. And if he was surprised it showed that he too was unsure and bit introverted over whether he should pursue anything with Ruth, given that he also was in a public leadership position in his community and he was probably assuming that since he was a much older man, that Ruth would reject him for a younger good looking guy.

So when I say all Christian men should pursue, I mean there are varying degrees in how much gentle hinting they may need from the opposite sex.

 

[violakat]

There are some other things you really need to consider. Are you willing to live the life of a Pastor's wife? Understand, that being a pastor's wife is not glitz and glamorous. The fact is, if you end up dating this man, and down the road marry him, your life is going to be scrutinized by every member of your church. You will be expected to take leadership roles among the women, do the dirty jobs no one else will do (especially if it's a smaller church), if you have children-then how you raise your children will be criticized by nearly every woman. And while your children are being called brats or worse, by some people, those same people will also expect your children to be the perfect role models to kids twice their age, because after all, they are the Pastor's children and must be very holy. Oh, and you and your husband are not allowed to sin, because you are not an ordinary family. Expect calls at all times of the night for all reasons. People coming to your home for handouts. I know this sounds like I'm exaggerating, but trust me, I'm not. And yes he may not be the Head pastor, but a Youth Pastor, but they still get treated pretty much the same.

Think hard about this long before deciding that you have more then a crush for him, and possibly act on your crush or accept any dates from him if he asks. You see, if he's wise, he probably already realizes all of what his future wife will go through and so he's going to be very careful of who he asks, simply because not every woman would be able to handle this.

 

[violakat]

There are some other things you really need to consider. Are you willing to live the life of a Pastor's wife? Understand, that being a pastor's wife is not glitz and glamorous. The fact is, if you end up dating this man, and down the road marry him, your life is going to be scrutinized by every member of your church. You will be expected to take leadership roles among the women, do the dirty jobs no one else will do (especially if it's a smaller church), if you have children-then how you raise your children will be criticized by nearly every woman. And while your children are being called brats or worse, by some people, those same people will also expect your children to be the perfect role models to kids twice their age, because after all, they are the Pastor's children and must be very holy. Oh, and you and your husband are not allowed to sin, because you are not an ordinary family. Expect calls at all times of the night for all reasons. People coming to your home for handouts. I know this sounds like I'm exaggerating, but trust me, I'm not. And yes he may not be the Head pastor, but a Youth Pastor, but they still get treated pretty much the same.

Think hard about this long before deciding that you have more then a crush for him, and possibly act on your crush or accept any dates from him if he asks. You see, if he's wise, he probably already realizes all of what his future wife will go through and so he's going to be very careful of who he asks, simply because not every woman would be able to handle this.

By the way, let me just add one other thing. This does not happen to all pastor wives, but I have seen this happen to many. And I have been guilty of at least one (waking up one in the middle of the night for something, when I should have known better.)

 

[RushBreeze]

Oh this is a tricky one!

My husband read this over my shoulder and went on a 'this is how males act' rant:

If he is 100% sure about you he WILL pursue you. If he likes you but expects you to do all the pursuing and making yourself emotionally vulnerable, then he is weak and you shouldn't go near a man who is weak and in a leadership position.

On the other hand he may like you and may be considering you but while the same time hes facing the exact same dilemma you're facing. Hes probably thinking - "She's a member if this group, if she rejects me this will look awkward and will be very uncomfortable for the both of us."

Thank you so much for all your advice, i really appreciate it, it has made my heart and mind much easier. I think for everything else, I was so concerned and scared on my end that I was ignorant enough not to think that he might be having the same doubts and worries. It also confirm what my heart has been telling me to just be me, and if its something that both he and God wants then I should rely on him to do the pursuing.
I also found your other advice helpful, some of it sadly wont work for my particular situation (no dad, brothers, christian male friends. Also still pretty new to the church and haven't had the chance to build a tonne of relationships with the older women yet, but something I would like to do)

Originally Posted by violakat
There are some other things you really need to consider. Are you willing to live the life of a Pastor's wife? Understand, that being a pastor's wife is not glitz and glamorous. The fact is, if you end up dating this man, and down the road marry him, your life is going to be scrutinized by every member of your church. You will be expected to take leadership roles among the women, do the dirty jobs no one else will do (especially if it's a smaller church), if you have children-then how you raise your children will be criticized by nearly every woman. And while your children are being called brats or worse, by some people, those same people will also expect your children to be the perfect role models to kids twice their age, because after all, they are the Pastor's children and must be very holy. Oh, and you and your husband are not allowed to sin, because you are not an ordinary family. Expect calls at all times of the night for all reasons. People coming to your home for handouts. I know this sounds like I'm exaggerating, but trust me, I'm not. And yes he may not be the Head pastor, but a Youth Pastor, but they still get treated pretty much the same.

Think hard about this long before deciding that you have more then a crush for him, and possibly act on your crush or accept any dates from him if he asks. You see, if he's wise, he probably already realizes all of what his future wife will go through and so he's going to be very careful of who he asks, simply because not every woman would be able to handle this.
By the way, let me just add one other thing. This does not happen to all pastor wives, but I have seen this happen to many. And I have been guilty of at least one (waking up one in the middle of the night for something, when I should have known better.)

I definitely here what your saying, and its an incredibly valid argument, and it is something I have to admit I haven't put in as much thought as I really ought to, thank you. I must say though, as I read through your description, a little piece of me got so incredibly excited. The thought of helping so many people in such a vital capacity, being a beacon of Gods love and plan for other people is something thats so very attractive and that I would love to experience. I know that it would have its lumps and bumps, times that I would hate it and be frustrated and depressed, but really for all the good I know I would do I know it would be worth it.

 

[mystdancer50]

I don't believe only men should pursue is a cultural standard but a godly one. I do not want a man who isn't strong enough and willing to pursue me. Once there is a courtship, then I can pursue his heart as well, but if I instigate the relationship, how many other things will I have to take lead in in our ultimate marriage? I want a strong man, one who has put God first, above all things including myself and the relationship he has or wants to have with me. In truth, I believe the true cultural standard is that women should not be afraid to pursue a man they want. I feel this came primarily from a feminists view. I want a man that is sensitive to God's will and call and truly sees me as a treasure worth seeking, discovering, and pursuing. Just my thoughts.

In regards to the initial question, wait on God. His timing is perfect. Listen to His voice and obey His guidance. I find it is rather easy to be attracted to godly, single men in roles of leadership. It happened to me a couple years ago. How did God show me that he wasn't the one? God sent him away to another church as their assistant Pastor. He just married a couple of weeks ago. God knows who and where and when and why. I have learned to wait for God's best in my life.

 

[AnandaHya]

let him make the first move. guys like to think its their idea

at least all the ones I've meet do.

Just be friendly and get to know him and his interest and be a friend and if he wants he can move it up a notch by asking you out.

Or if you wanted just as friends go have lunch and talk about the world without any expectations for it to more then just a friendly get together.

I've found that learning to be friends works better then rushing into romantic relationships and not reading too much into little things will help, but then my husband says I'm kind of clueless when people flirt with me. lol. I figured if they are serious they will be more obvious about it.

I found I'm more attracted to the glimpses of God's Holy Spirit in a person more then the person themselves. I love their love for God and how they follow Him and His leadership. Sometimes people confuse that for romantic love but I believe we should love all people as family.

Many of the men in my life have become spiritual big brothers who help protect, guide and cherish me so that I can grow without having to worry that the creepy guys will try and harm me at parties or gatherings. I in turn try and build them up and remind them of God's love and promises and be their to listen to their worries and troubles and pray and encourage them that they can do anything if God is with them. I think that brotherly and sisterly love is to be valued and cherished as much as romantic love between two people.

I find that society likes to focus on the romantic love but God focuses on family and the love that binds us all together in fellowship.

Matthew 22:30
For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God in heaven.

ps. sorry for the typos don't have enough time to edit it.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Here's what I suggest...

Do some shopping either online or at a christian bookstore or wherever and find something thoughtful but inexpensive that you think he might like. Something tied to his role as a pastor or youth leader of course, then at your next meeting tell him you saw this while shopping _____ and it reminded you of how he (fill in the blank with something he mentioned or something he seems passionate about). Then hopefully he will accept it and reciprocate by offering to buy you a cup of coffee or dinner!

Actually, you can just get him a thank you card and write in it how much you enjoy his preaching. That should certainly show him that you care a lot about him.

 

[1still_waters]

He is in a place of leadership. There is a TON of things to weigh if you're in leadership and you're interested in dating'courting/pursuing/whatever someone you preach/teach/minister/whatever to.

He may be hesitant cuz dating someone in the church, while you're also a leader, it can open so many cans of worms.

When you're in church leadership you have to be very careful who you let in as a friend. It's even harder if it's something more than a friend.

If he's interested, he may just be weighing his interest against all the potential cans of worms it opens to date someone in the church he's ministering in.

 

[Jullianna]

Here's what I suggest...

Do some shopping either online or at a christian bookstore or wherever and find something thoughtful but inexpensive that you think he might like. Something tied to his role as a pastor or youth leader of course, then at your next meeting tell him you saw this while shopping _____ and it reminded you of how he (fill in the blank with something he mentioned or something he seems passionate about). Then hopefully he will accept it and reciprocate by offering to buy you a cup of coffee or dinner!

Actually, you can just get him a thank you card and write in it how much you enjoy his preaching. That should certainly show him that you care a lot about him.[/quote]

^ I really like this idea^

 

[zeroturbulence]

Here's what I suggest...

Do some shopping either online or at a christian bookstore or wherever and find something thoughtful but inexpensive that you think he might like. Something tied to his role as a pastor or youth leader of course, then at your next meeting tell him you saw this while shopping _____ and it reminded you of how he (fill in the blank with something he mentioned or something he seems passionate about). Then hopefully he will accept it and reciprocate by offering to buy you a cup of coffee or dinner!

Actually, you can just get him a thank you card and write in it how much you enjoy his preaching. That should certainly show him that you care a lot about him.[/quote]

^ I really like this idea^

Thanks

 

[AAAPlus]

If he's the young adults pastor and you're in that group, he would probably get fired for dating you. Bigger churches often put up restrictions like that for people who work there to maintain accountability. You can go on believing that this "might not be the case" if you want, but you're setting yourself up to be hurt.

 

[Jullianna]

23 is a little old to be in a youth group, isn't it?

 

[violakat]

23 is a little old to be in a youth group, isn't it?

Young Adults and Youth Group are two different things. Young adults are for people in their 20's. And she originally said something about him also being in charge of young adults, in addition to youth group.

If he's the young adults pastor and you're in that group, he would probably get fired for dating you. Bigger churches often put up restrictions like that for people who work there to maintain accountability. You can go on believing that this "might not be the case" if you want, but you're setting yourself up to be hurt.

Since they are adults, I don't know that that would prevent him from going out with her. But, it is a good point to bring up.