encouragement vs criticism

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Jullianna

Senior Member
Apr 21, 2010
12,810
119
0
#1
I've been praying a lot about having an encouraging, rather than critical spirit. I was raised around a family member who had/still has a very critical spirit. Bitterness seems to ooze from them and most people are very vocal about not wanting to be around them for this reason, which probably only adds to that bitterness, huh?

When something bad happens or we disagree with something, it is so easy to point fingers at the other party, but I wonder what we truly learn from a situation when we do that? Should we stop and consider our part in the event? Should we ask God if there is anything we should learn/change in US as a result? Should we wonder whether God was trying to show us something either in ourselves or others (so we can pray with/for them)? We are ALL imperfect people. Some of us may try more than others to be less so, but...there it is.

On the flipside, I realize that there are times with something may need to be said or done to end a truly bad situation, as long as we aren't gagging at gnats and swallowing camels. I'm one of those people who will usually just stop talking if someone says or does something I really don't like while I ponder whether I really need to say/do anything...or whether it would even matter if I did. And, honestly, there have been times when I should have spoken up and have not, particularly in relationships. That can be a problem because it can then seem to the other person like my disinterest in continuing a relationship with them came out of the blue. I should probably work on that too...

Anyway... I'm praying for greater wisdom in this area. If there is something GOOD to say, I want to say it. If there is something negative I need to say, I want to be wise/tempered in my delivery. It matters. When I read the scriptures, I see so many examples of Christ doing exactly this:

The woman at the well
The woman caught in adultery
Peter saying he would never deny the Lord, etc.

I would imagine all three of these individuals realized their errors, but appreciated the fact that Jesus said what He did in love and not venomously. It is the desire of my heart to be more like that. How about you?
 
U

Ugly

Guest
#2
Your prayers must be working. You are definitely one of the least critical people around. And you seem to be encouraging as well.
 

nw2u

Senior Member
Jun 9, 2012
894
7
0
#3
I think it is natural for me to lean toward denial. It is a protective reaction. I think it takes maturity, patience, understanding and empathy to do otherwise.

Openness and honesty are important in a relationship. Some things don't need aired. We have to choose what we believe will be the best path. Since we are all human, we may not always choose the best options.

You are working on yourself. That's all anyone can do. Life is a journey. You seem like you have a good handle on it. Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't forget to be forgiving of yourself along the way.
 

AsifinPassing

Senior Member
Jul 13, 2010
3,608
36
48
#4
I've been praying a lot about having an encouraging, rather than critical spirit. I was raised around a family member who had/still has a very critical spirit. Bitterness seems to ooze from them and most people are very vocal about not wanting to be around them for this reason, which probably only adds to that bitterness, huh?

When something bad happens or we disagree with something, it is so easy to point fingers at the other party, but I wonder what we truly learn from a situation when we do that? Should we stop and consider our part in the event? Should we ask God if there is anything we should learn/change in US as a result? Should we wonder whether God was trying to show us something either in ourselves or others (so we can pray with/for them)? We are ALL imperfect people. Some of us may try more than others to be less so, but...there it is.

On the flipside, I realize that there are times with something may need to be said or done to end a truly bad situation, as long as we aren't gagging at gnats and swallowing camels. I'm one of those people who will usually just stop talking if someone says or does something I really don't like while I ponder whether I really need to say/do anything...or whether it would even matter if I did. And, honestly, there have been times when I should have spoken up and have not, particularly in relationships. That can be a problem because it can then seem to the other person like my disinterest in continuing a relationship with them came out of the blue. I should probably work on that too...

Anyway... I'm praying for greater wisdom in this area. If there is something GOOD to say, I want to say it. If there is something negative I need to say, I want to be wise/tempered in my delivery. It matters. When I read the scriptures, I see so many examples of Christ doing exactly this:

The woman at the well
The woman caught in adultery
Peter saying he would never deny the Lord, etc.

I would imagine all three of these individuals realized their errors, but appreciated the fact that Jesus said what He did in love and not venomously. It is the desire of my heart to be more like that. How about you?
Ephesians 4:17-32 NIV - Instructions for Christian Living - So - Bible Gateway

Philippians 4:4-9 NIV - Final Exhortations - Rejoice in the - Bible Gateway

Paul was of a similar persuasion as well. I tend to agree. Good post.
 

Jullianna

Senior Member
Apr 21, 2010
12,810
119
0
#5
Your prayers must be working. You are definitely one of the least critical people around. And you seem to be encouraging as well.
Thank you, Ugly. That means a lot coming from you because I know you wouldn't say it unless you truly meant it. :)
I think it is natural for me to lean toward denial. It is a protective reaction. I think it takes maturity, patience, understanding and empathy to do otherwise.

Openness and honesty are important in a relationship. Some things don't need aired. We have to choose what we believe will be the best path. Since we are all human, we may not always choose the best options.

You are working on yourself. That's all anyone can do. Life is a journey. You seem like you have a good handle on it. Don't be too hard on yourself. Don't forget to be forgiving of yourself along the way.
I agree, Sir. We must learn to find that balance...picking our battles, yet being as honest about our feelings as we can.

Thanks for the reminder that it's okay for me to not get it right every time. I tend to be far harder on myself than other people. Not sure why. :)
 
Aug 2, 2009
22,858
2,629
113
#6
I've been praying a lot about having an encouraging, rather than critical spirit. I was raised around a family member who had/still has a very critical spirit. Bitterness seems to ooze from them and most people are very vocal about not wanting to be around them for this reason, which probably only adds to that bitterness, huh?

When something bad happens or we disagree with something, it is so easy to point fingers at the other party, but I wonder what we truly learn from a situation when we do that? Should we stop and consider our part in the event? Should we ask God if there is anything we should learn/change in US as a result? Should we wonder whether God was trying to show us something either in ourselves or others (so we can pray with/for them)? We are ALL imperfect people. Some of us may try more than others to be less so, but...there it is.

On the flipside, I realize that there are times with something may need to be said or done to end a truly bad situation, as long as we aren't gagging at gnats and swallowing camels. I'm one of those people who will usually just stop talking if someone says or does something I really don't like while I ponder whether I really need to say/do anything...or whether it would even matter if I did. And, honestly, there have been times when I should have spoken up and have not, particularly in relationships. That can be a problem because it can then seem to the other person like my disinterest in continuing a relationship with them came out of the blue. I should probably work on that too...

Anyway... I'm praying for greater wisdom in this area. If there is something GOOD to say, I want to say it. If there is something negative I need to say, I want to be wise/tempered in my delivery. It matters. When I read the scriptures, I see so many examples of Christ doing exactly this:

The woman at the well
The woman caught in adultery
Peter saying he would never deny the Lord, etc.

I would imagine all three of these individuals realized their errors, but appreciated the fact that Jesus said what He did in love and not venomously. It is the desire of my heart to be more like that. How about you?
We all should listen to what Thumper says... :)

 
G

GRA

Guest
#7
I tend to be far harder on myself than other people. Not sure why. :)
Compared to ourselves - we have very limited knowledge, with certainty, of the true nature of the thoughts and intents of others at any particular point in time. In our dealings with others - we can only "push the envelope" so far without taking risks of uncertainty that may affect our relationship with a person in a way that we do not want to have to deal with.

We always know exactly where our own limits are - and just how far we can push ourselves.

Also -- because we cannot avoid any requirement that we might place on ourselves - we tend to leave ourselves no escape from the self-imposed responsibilities that we have determined to be important to uphold and maintain.

( "I hope that made sense..." )

:)
 

love_comes_softly

Well-known member
Feb 13, 2019
456
503
93
#8
I remember this post way back when and it meant a lot to me then. I hope those that previously posted are all doing well, even though some aren't on CC anymore.

I've been praying a lot about having an encouraging, rather than critical spirit. I was raised around a family member who had/still has a very critical spirit. Bitterness seems to ooze from them and most people are very vocal about not wanting to be around them for this reason, which probably only adds to that bitterness, huh?

When something bad happens or we disagree with something, it is so easy to point fingers at the other party, but I wonder what we truly learn from a situation when we do that? Should we stop and consider our part in the event? Should we ask God if there is anything we should learn/change in US as a result? Should we wonder whether God was trying to show us something either in ourselves or others (so we can pray with/for them)? We are ALL imperfect people. Some of us may try more than others to be less so, but...there it is.

On the flipside, I realize that there are times with something may need to be said or done to end a truly bad situation, as long as we aren't gagging at gnats and swallowing camels. I'm one of those people who will usually just stop talking if someone says or does something I really don't like while I ponder whether I really need to say/do anything...or whether it would even matter if I did. And, honestly, there have been times when I should have spoken up and have not, particularly in relationships. That can be a problem because it can then seem to the other person like my disinterest in continuing a relationship with them came out of the blue. I should probably work on that too...

Anyway... I'm praying for greater wisdom in this area. If there is something GOOD to say, I want to say it. If there is something negative I need to say, I want to be wise/tempered in my delivery. It matters. When I read the scriptures, I see so many examples of Christ doing exactly this:

The woman at the well
The woman caught in adultery
Peter saying he would never deny the Lord, etc.

I would imagine all three of these individuals realized their errors, but appreciated the fact that Jesus said what He did in love and not venomously. It is the desire of my heart to be more like that. How about you?

I find that this is something I think about petty often lately. How we respond, really does say something about who we are/what we're experiencing or have experienced in the past.

I think we go through situations for a reason. We need to be aware of our reactions to the situations and to people. What should we learn about ourselves or others in the given situation.



I wonder what newer posters have experienced in this area.


Jullianna always had a way of encouraging me when I was a younger reader in the forums and re-reading this post now makes me want to be more aware.
 
Aug 2, 2009
22,858
2,629
113
#10
I remember this post way back when and it meant a lot to me then. I hope those that previously posted are all doing well, even though some aren't on CC anymore.




I find that this is something I think about petty often lately. How we respond, really does say something about who we are/what we're experiencing or have experienced in the past.

I think we go through situations for a reason. We need to be aware of our reactions to the situations and to people. What should we learn about ourselves or others in the given situation.



I wonder what newer posters have experienced in this area.

Jullianna always had a way of encouraging me when I was a younger reader in the forums and re-reading this post now makes me want to be more aware.
I remember this post too, and I'm sad that my Thumper pic didn't survive the past 6 years.. :(
 

1christian1

Well-known member
Sep 13, 2018
807
259
63
#12
I've been praying a lot about having an encouraging, rather than critical spirit. I was raised around a family member who had/still has a very critical spirit. Bitterness seems to ooze from them and most people are very vocal about not wanting to be around them for this reason, which probably only adds to that bitterness, huh?

When something bad happens or we disagree with something, it is so easy to point fingers at the other party, but I wonder what we truly learn from a situation when we do that? Should we stop and consider our part in the event? Should we ask God if there is anything we should learn/change in US as a result? Should we wonder whether God was trying to show us something either in ourselves or others (so we can pray with/for them)? We are ALL imperfect people. Some of us may try more than others to be less so, but...there it is.

On the flipside, I realize that there are times with something may need to be said or done to end a truly bad situation, as long as we aren't gagging at gnats and swallowing camels. I'm one of those people who will usually just stop talking if someone says or does something I really don't like while I ponder whether I really need to say/do anything...or whether it would even matter if I did. And, honestly, there have been times when I should have spoken up and have not, particularly in relationships. That can be a problem because it can then seem to the other person like my disinterest in continuing a relationship with them came out of the blue. I should probably work on that too...

Anyway... I'm praying for greater wisdom in this area. If there is something GOOD to say, I want to say it. If there is something negative I need to say, I want to be wise/tempered in my delivery. It matters. When I read the scriptures, I see so many examples of Christ doing exactly this:

The woman at the well
The woman caught in adultery
Peter saying he would never deny the Lord, etc.

I would imagine all three of these individuals realized their errors, but appreciated the fact that Jesus said what He did in love and not venomously. It is the desire of my heart to be more like that. How about you?
These 3 "people" did'nt tell Jesus they appreciated His input. They loved and followed him. Are you really comparing yourself to him...
 

Adstar

Senior Member
Jul 24, 2016
5,663
2,337
113
#13
I've been praying a lot about having an encouraging, rather than critical spirit. I was raised around a family member who had/still has a very critical spirit. Bitterness seems to ooze from them and most people are very vocal about not wanting to be around them for this reason, which probably only adds to that bitterness, huh?

When something bad happens or we disagree with something, it is so easy to point fingers at the other party, but I wonder what we truly learn from a situation when we do that? Should we stop and consider our part in the event? Should we ask God if there is anything we should learn/change in US as a result? Should we wonder whether God was trying to show us something either in ourselves or others (so we can pray with/for them)? We are ALL imperfect people. Some of us may try more than others to be less so, but...there it is.

On the flipside, I realize that there are times with something may need to be said or done to end a truly bad situation, as long as we aren't gagging at gnats and swallowing camels. I'm one of those people who will usually just stop talking if someone says or does something I really don't like while I ponder whether I really need to say/do anything...or whether it would even matter if I did. And, honestly, there have been times when I should have spoken up and have not, particularly in relationships. That can be a problem because it can then seem to the other person like my disinterest in continuing a relationship with them came out of the blue. I should probably work on that too...

Anyway... I'm praying for greater wisdom in this area. If there is something GOOD to say, I want to say it. If there is something negative I need to say, I want to be wise/tempered in my delivery. It matters. When I read the scriptures, I see so many examples of Christ doing exactly this:

The woman at the well
The woman caught in adultery
Peter saying he would never deny the Lord, etc.

I would imagine all three of these individuals realized their errors, but appreciated the fact that Jesus said what He did in love and not venomously. It is the desire of my heart to be more like that. How about you?
Then always try to Love the Sinner while hating the Sin... It's an attitude thing i believe..
 

Subhumanoidal

Well-known member
Sep 17, 2018
1,589
1,331
113
#14
I remember this post way back when and it meant a lot to me then. I hope those that previously posted are all doing well, even though some aren't on CC anymore.




I find that this is something I think about petty often lately. How we respond, really does say something about who we are/what we're experiencing or have experienced in the past.

I think we go through situations for a reason. We need to be aware of our reactions to the situations and to people. What should we learn about ourselves or others in the given situation.



I wonder what newer posters have experienced in this area.

Jullianna always had a way of encouraging me when I was a younger reader in the forums and re-reading this post now makes me want to be more aware.
Too bad she was a fraud and was secretly banned. Due to her popularity they didn't want to do an obvious ban and stir up controversy and gossip, so they phased her out rather than make it obvious she was banned.
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
800
684
93
#15
I've been praying a lot about having an encouraging, rather than critical spirit. I was raised around a family member who had/still has a very critical spirit. Bitterness seems to ooze from them and most people are very vocal about not wanting to be around them for this reason, which probably only adds to that bitterness, huh?

When something bad happens or we disagree with something, it is so easy to point fingers at the other party, but I wonder what we truly learn from a situation when we do that? Should we stop and consider our part in the event? Should we ask God if there is anything we should learn/change in US as a result? Should we wonder whether God was trying to show us something either in ourselves or others (so we can pray with/for them)? We are ALL imperfect people. Some of us may try more than others to be less so, but...there it is.

On the flipside, I realize that there are times with something may need to be said or done to end a truly bad situation, as long as we aren't gagging at gnats and swallowing camels. I'm one of those people who will usually just stop talking if someone says or does something I really don't like while I ponder whether I really need to say/do anything...or whether it would even matter if I did. And, honestly, there have been times when I should have spoken up and have not, particularly in relationships. That can be a problem because it can then seem to the other person like my disinterest in continuing a relationship with them came out of the blue. I should probably work on that too...

Anyway... I'm praying for greater wisdom in this area. If there is something GOOD to say, I want to say it. If there is something negative I need to say, I want to be wise/tempered in my delivery. It matters. When I read the scriptures, I see so many examples of Christ doing exactly this:

The woman at the well
The woman caught in adultery
Peter saying he would never deny the Lord, etc.

I would imagine all three of these individuals realized their errors, but appreciated the fact that Jesus said what He did in love and not venomously. It is the desire of my heart to be more like that. How about you?
I have found that when hearts have been very hurt very deeply by the unjust acts of others, then it can be too painful for them to be advised to forgive and not allow bitterness in. When I see those I care about in this state I know that love, understand, compassion and prayer is key. I have over-looked at times, executing righteous judgement because I was so concerned about the matter of forgiveness; but whilst it I a vital to forgive those who trespass against us, it is also important to uphold righteousness. That's my take on it anyways.
 

BrotherMike

Be Still and Know
Jan 8, 2018
936
1,030
93
#16
I have found that when hearts have been very hurt very deeply by the unjust acts of others, then it can be too painful for them to be advised to forgive and not allow bitterness in. When I see those I care about in this state I know that love, understand, compassion and prayer is key. I have over-looked at times, executing righteous judgement because I was so concerned about the matter of forgiveness; but whilst it I a vital to forgive those who trespass against us, it is also important to uphold righteousness. That's my take on it anyways.
I was texting a lady the other day and she was pretty grumpy. Lack of sleep from texting her until 3am the night before helped 🤦🏼‍♂️ but she was complaining about her ex that she has been divorced for a year. Her ex straight up had an affair and told her he would work on the marriage but couldn’t leave her. Yeah unbelievable and she brought up some painful situations where he is stealing her joy now with the kids. It’s just eating her up. I asked if she forgave him (this would be for her to heal) and she said she doesn’t know if she ever could. 😢 So I was of the same thought that she needs to work on forgiveness and at the same time trying to be compassionate. I think I’m going to apologize incase I wasn’t sensitive enough. It was definitely a hard thing to deal with.
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
800
684
93
#17
I was texting a lady the other day and she was pretty grumpy. Lack of sleep from texting her until 3am the night before helped 🤦🏼‍♂️ but she was complaining about her ex that she has been divorced for a year. Her ex straight up had an affair and told her he would work on the marriage but couldn’t leave her. Yeah unbelievable and she brought up some painful situations where he is stealing her joy now with the kids. It’s just eating her up. I asked if she forgave him (this would be for her to heal) and she said she doesn’t know if she ever could. 😢 So I was of the same thought that she needs to work on forgiveness and at the same time trying to be compassionate. I think I’m going to apologize incase I wasn’t sensitive enough. It was definitely a hard thing to deal with.
I recently had bitterness due to seeing the long term and perpetuated impact someone's wickedness is having on other people... it was actually hindering maybe prayer-life this bitterness, which I only realised when I told God that I was not able to pray for long at all and I asked Him why because it was upsetting me. I realised then, that I was so bitter I couldn't even utter the word forgive and I asked God to help me with that.... He gradually enabled me through this time of prayer to let go of the unforgiveness, and the scripture which helped me was, 'we know all things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purposes'..... I realised that I can trust God even with the outcome of such a bad situation and was reminded of how Joseph said to his brothers, "What you meant for evil, God meant for good". Trusting Him with it all is what has set me free. I must of course keep trusting. After I had prayed I realised that because of my sins throughout my life, I couldn't condemn anyone else for theirs, because I sure do need that forgiveness, and God will not, of course, accept my hypocrisy. But I know He understands my pain and the pain of others, and that He loves us and has our best interests at heart. Vengeance is His, and to quote Holocaust survivor Corrie Ten Boom, "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find the prisoner was me."
We must pray for your friend👌
 

Butterflyyy

Well-known member
Oct 31, 2019
800
684
93
#18
I was texting a lady the other day and she was pretty grumpy. Lack of sleep from texting her until 3am the night before helped 🤦🏼‍♂️ but she was complaining about her ex that she has been divorced for a year. Her ex straight up had an affair and told her he would work on the marriage but couldn’t leave her. Yeah unbelievable and she brought up some painful situations where he is stealing her joy now with the kids. It’s just eating her up. I asked if she forgave him (this would be for her to heal) and she said she doesn’t know if she ever could. 😢 So I was of the same thought that she needs to work on forgiveness and at the same time trying to be compassionate. I think I’m going to apologize incase I wasn’t sensitive enough. It was definitely a hard thing to deal with.
I hope you can give this to your friend and that it blesses her🙂
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
5,026
1,973
113
#19
I have a mother who has a critical spirit. You just need to be breathing and she would criticise that you were doing it wrong. So I know how it feels.

I think God doesnt set out to destroy His children because they are his creation. And he does evertyhing to encourage us, and prunes us sometimes but its never to hurt or harm us. Thats the difference.

I cant say that of some people who criticise because life and death are in the power of the tongue, and some people unfortunately do use their tongue to kill people. I dont think its because people are too sensitive, sometimes it is done because people just dont know how to tame their tongues. but othertimes its just malicious, thats when you need your shield of faith up.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
5,026
1,973
113
#20
sorry but poster who was txting someone at 3am...not a good idea. please if you are going to txt someone make it a reasonable hour and do not call someone at 9pm just to say goodnight. I honestly dont know why people think that would be endearing to wake someone up while they are getting ready to go to bed.

emergency calls? fine. random texts, not cool